I realise that even though I have taken many steps forward I have still not fully accepted myself for where I am right now. Its taken some time and reflection to understand this tug of war and many conversations have been had with myself and with others regard the tug. Its easier to overlook your flaws and pretend that that they are not there, however pretending never really gets me any closer to my ultimate goal of freedom from all the restrictions life has imposed on me over the years. Yes I have been freed from many, but not all.
I understand now that I have been clinging to what my life should look like by now and not actually truly celebrating what it does look like. Accepting myself, even with the flaws is something I thought that I had accomplished, but I see now that there are deep seated flaws that I have not yet addressed, and complete self acceptance is one of them. I have to accept who I am now, where I am now and what I am right now, in this moment. Even with the tugging, I must accept that the tugging is there for a reason and its to steer me in the direction that I need to go.
Holding onto what should be and not addressing and accepting what is seems to be where my limitation lies at this moment. I think I have always thought that acceptance means contentment and a lack of movement. But I realise that accepting now for what it is, doesn’t mean there is stagnancy. It just means that I am ok with each moment as it comes. It means that as the world changes around me, I am still ok. That as I face adversity I am still ok. That there is no real timeline to anything and it will happen as it happens and I have no control over that.
I need to release the control factor, which I thought I had, but after a small squabble with my teen this morning I realise that some part of me is still holding onto an element of control. I took some time to reflect, and to pray, got out into the sunshine and just released it all. My job is not to control her, but to guide her and to love her. yes guidance comes with a level of discipline, but guidance is not control. I need to stop deflecting my expectations onto her. she is the complete opposite of me, and she is teaching e how to look at the world differently. Most of the time its a breath of fresh air, until she hits a sensitive spot, then I default into my old mindset. I’m glad that I have picked up on this and I realized that I have to be ok with not being perfect, I have to learn to embrace each moment as it arrives and to stop fussing so much over what would be or could be. What is, is what’s real. What’s in front of me is what’s real.
I have so much to be proud of. I have this beautiful space to share with all of you, I have my podcast to grow my voice and to continue searching for different aspects of myself, I have my course that I am so proud of for people that have been sexually traumatized. I have a beautiful home that I can call my own now, I have family that stands by me and friends who support me no matter what. I may have lost plenty, but when I look at the greater scheme of it all I have gained so much more that what I have lost.
Today I feel different kind of weight lifting off of me. a weight of expectation, one that I have been holding myself to for the longest time, one that has been holding me hostage, expectation is the killer of my dreams, and my dreams are slowly growing into fruition, moment by moment. The ideas are flowing and I believe that one day one of them will take root and blossom. Which one? who knows? As long as I get to express my true self along the way and help as many people using my gifts that I can. So my reach may be limited, but my heart is not. I will continue to spread my light to every corner of darkness that crosses my path, no matter how feisty it my be.
My wish for you is that you free yourself of expectation and set yourself free, the self that is hiding in the corners of your mind, afraid to be seen. For true freedom comes with releasing that version of you that longs to be set free. no matter who has what to say.
Love and light to all of you.