Tug of war

This weekend has been a game of tug of war between the new me and the old me. You see I’ve taken so many steps forward… I see the progress and I see the rewards to the efforts I’ve put into myself. Yet I find myself in a place where the things that I have been holding onto for security and my new path just don’t get along with each other anymore and they are playing tug of war with me and it’s painful. I feel like I’m being torn apart. I keep reminding myself that this is a growth process and growth is always painful, at least significant growth is. So I’m holding onto the positives and I’m looking at the negatives, those things that hold me back are so cozy, but I’ve been leaning on them for security for so long that letting go really is creating a level of anxiety in me that I have never experienced before.

I have been raised to follow a path of stability, but my life is taking me down a path of risk, and the risks that I have taken in the past have always been worth it and I stress myself out before I take that step every time. But this time its different. This time letting go means that it will be gone forever. Why am I holding on so tightly to this thing that no longer serves me, why am I so afraid of this new path, it’s not a dark path, its a well lit path, an eluminated path, but I don’t know what’s further up ahead and I’m walking it alone, which makes it even scarier.

I preach risk, I teach risk, but never before have I been so afraid because never before has the jump been such a great distance from where I was before. This is a leap of faith, but the leap is over a distance that I have not leapt before, It feels like the old me is holding me on this side of the path and the new me is calling me to leap. I have been taking baby steps because they are small risks, but this is a giant leap and its a huge risk.

This is the path of growth, it’s scary, it’s risky and it is not for the faint hearted. I guess its time for me to really practice what I preach, it’s time for me to act and not just speak. If I allow this tug of war to continue it will tear me apart. I have to decide if I’m going to leap or if I’m going to stay. But letting go of one is vital for my survival. As I type this out I am overcome with clarity. I realize that I have to push through, because if I stay where I am I will regret never trying, never standing up for myself and I will remain in this place of torment longer than I need to.

So to all of you beautiful humans, please wish me well as I take a leap of faith into the next phase of my life, one where I am serving others and growing myself in the process. There’s no turning back now. šŸ¤ž

Love and Light.




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