The truth is: I want to quit often, but I can’t… not only because I have little eyes that look up to me, or because I have a pattern of not completing certain things… I can’t quit because if I do, it means I give in to the voice that tells me I can’t do it, then I will never do anything. I have to keep pushing through all my fears because if I don’t my life will fall into a dark space that I know only too well. I can’t allow myself into that space because getting out of it is really tough and sometimes feels impossible, especially when you are drowning in the darkness that many give into.
The truth is: I am afraid often, but I can’t stop pushing through my fears because the feeling of being on the other side of a conquered fear is indescribable. The freedom of not letting fear kick your ass is the most rewarding feeling of freedom you will have. It’s how you free yourself one fear at a time in the realm of complete freedom from everything that holds you back.
The truth is: Bad habits linger in the background, they never 100 % go away, they wait for you in the dark corners, ready to pounce as soon as you are struggling, but you can’t allow them back in, and if you do, you have to remember why you stopped in the first place. You have to keep working at your positive reinforcements that got you to push those habits out in the first place.
The truth is: NOBODY is perfect, nobody ever will be perfect and if you expect perfection in people you are going to be dissapointed. Holding others to a high standard is a reflection of the standard you hold yourself to. I have no issues with high standards, but perfection is impossible, so stop looking for it and instead look for happiness, joy, love and peace in people and therin you will find what you are looking for.
The truth is: I want more, but I know that in order to get to where I what to be I have to work harder than I have worked before. That to whom much is given much is required and the responsibility of more can sometimes be overwhelming. Where I am now is preparing me for my next step and I have to conquer this stage before I can move to the next.
The truth is: you are a reflection of your inner thoughs and beliefs and if you are internally dark and damaged then your external life will reflect that in some way shape or form. But its not impossible to rectify darkness and fill those gaping holes with light and love.
The truth is: Nobody truly know the point of it all, we try to understand as best as we can. We look for God in the only ways we know how and we search for redemption the only way we know how. Religion separates us more than it brings us together, but God is love and he unifies us in ways beyond our understanding.
The truth is: Sometimes I’m confused about what it is I should be doing and sometimes its crystal clear. So why is there doubt? Which direction do I follow? The truth is the only direction to follow is the one inside of me, my inner feeling of this feels right or this feels wrong. Thats the direction I am meant to go.
The truth is: Nobody actually knows what the truth actually is, we are all just winging it through life, doing the best we can with the information that we have been given, whether it be correct information or incorrect information.
It’s easy to sit on the outside and watch in making comments about what people should and should not be doing. The real test is when you are faced with the same situations and if you take your own advice, or do you cower away. I never write about things I have not experienced for myself, or just how I see a possible path to be the most likely one for me. I couldn’t possibly be throwing information into the world about experiences I have not yet had. That being said I would like to say that it’s easier said than done. Life is tough, these lessons are tough and the solutions are not going to come easily. You have to actively want to make the changes and find the answers for there to be any hope.
It’s not easy to have difficult conversations with people, especially if we love them, and sometimes choosing to ignore a problem seems like the better option. I wish someone taught me healthy self expression at a younger age. It would have made my life so much easier. Learning how to express myself in a healthy way has become my greatest blessing. Communicating with those I care about regarding both positive and negative feelings have created a path of peace for me. It still makes some members of my family a little uncomfortable though and I’m also still selective with who gets to know my true feelings and who doesn’t. I still maintain that NOT EVERYBODY deserves certain parts of you. But those people that do get to see the real me, the ones that get the inside scoop to my diary version, those are the ones I reserve for intimate conversations. You may only fit on one hand, but I don’t believe I need to expose myself to everyone, only those that genuinley are there. Real life requires real conversations. If they leave because you have a conversation, you are better off without them, friendships, family and romantic relationships. You should be able to express yourself with your inner circle and they should be able to equally share with you too, without anybody running away. Lifetime friendships/relationships are reserved for those that are willing to stick through both the good and the bad times. Those are the relationships worth keeping.
I used to be afraid to share how I really felt with people close to me because I was afraid they would leave. The fear of them leaving literally paralized me to silence. Healing that wound and finding the root of the problem was vital, it has allowed me the freedom of expressing myself and my concerns and also accepting that those who leave have chosen to do so out of their own and it has no reflection on who I am as a person. I need to remember that when I am unhappy in situations I too have left them, and so I should allow others to do the same without me placing my happiness or well being on their shoulders. It’s so sad how childhood experiences get carried into our adult choices without us even realising it. It’s also easy to blame those childhood experiences for every bad or negative experience. As adults, it’s our responsibility to heal the wounds that hold us back and to push ourselves past our fears. We can never live a full life in the shadows of our past. Finding solutions and accepting help from others with regards to your emotional growth is so important.
Nothing lasts forever, people change, things are not meant to stay the same. Embracing change is one of the most important lessons I have learnt and not holding on to things or people because nothing and nobody actually belongs to me. In the end, when my life transitions to its next phase, I will leave everything here, with the living, so why hold on so tightly.
I used to look for love in all the wrong places, because I didnt really understand how to love and how to be loved. I struggled with receiving love from friends and family because, well… life. I’m not gonna go into how I should have had this and didn’t have that, and blame people that should have given me x and gave me y instead. No, because who I am today is a direct result of everything that I have lived in my past. How I love now is a direct result of how I couldn’t love back then.
Lets not confuse what I’m discussing as romantic love. To me romance happens naturally based on a mutual connection that grows and it takes time to evolve into what you can call being “In Love”. You can’t be in love with someone that you dont know. You can be in lust with them, attracted to them yes, but romantic love… it takes time, and work, along with a solid foundation of understanding and respecting each other for who each person truly is. Jumping in the sack doesn’t mean love, kissing doesn’t mean love. Love is more than physical attributes and hotness levels of the other human. Does he or she make and effort, do they show up, do they keep promises, are they consistent and do they ensure that you are confident in your place and position in their lives?
OK. Back to what I’m actually talking about, love in general. People get awkward around love? Why? If I love you, it means you hold a special place in my heart and I cherish the relationship we have and the person you are. Telling the people that you love how you feel strengthens relationships. Why do we wait till death or sickness to realise how we could have shared more and loved more openly. The world needs to open their hearts more. Love surrounds us all, lets embrace it and open our hearts more. The ocean is filled with love, the trees, flowers and even animals. Why do we choose not to emerse ourselves with this overflow of happiness and instead drown our lives in stress, anger and awkwardness. If you are with the right people you can relax because you know that they have got you.
Let go of the past by embracing now. Forgive those that hurt you and free yourself of the hold they have over you. Love is so much better than playing games with life. One day your life will end and how will you be remembered? Will you have been loved or will you be resented.
Just live your life with love. Fill it up with everything around you and be your best. I personlly love my tribe, I would not change them for anything!!
Today is my last day to be in my 30’s. Tomorrow is a new decade for me, my new chapter, the next leg of my life. I am truly being tested though, with many things being placed in front of me to try and shift my peace, but I am not that weak, and the world needs to know that when peace is rooted deep inside your soul, no amount of tugging can move it. I will always stay rooted in the peace that I have fought so hard to find.
Yes sometimes I am stirred by people’s behaviour and want to react, but I seem to have mastered pulling myself together. No amount of testing is going to get a reaction out of me… Not today. You probably thinking what is going on? She’s rambling but not telling us. Let’s just say; people sometimes seem to go on power trips and want to control other people… I am not a person that responds well to people trying to control me in any way. I am grown, I control myself. You don’t see me out there controlling what other people do.
So I find myself having to breath through this day, to remember who I am and how I react is in my control ALWAYS. Shrugging off negativity and embracing the positive is what I choose. Embracing NOW and appreciating NOW, because tomorrow is never promised, only today, only NOW. I am blessed and one power driven person does not get to shift my focus or my peace.
Thank you all for taking the time out of your lives to share this time with me. I appreciate you.
3 years ago I made a choice between a deskjob and my sanity. I chose my sanity. I knew the risk was great, I was giving up a stable job with benefits for the unknown. Yes I saved and planned to take a year off to find myself in the chaos of this world. 3 years later I can say it was definately the best decision I had ever made. The career change was drastic and the satisfaction in the challenges I am faced with makes every day worth it.
I want to say ‘look at me now’, look at the staircase of my life, each step I take in an upward direction, making moves and changes and just embracing life as it comes. Walking through doors that once scared me into silence and speaking at tables I was once not even invited to sit at. I may not be where I want to be as yet, but I certainly am on my way. I may not have found what I am looking for just yet, but I have found so much more along this path that is true to who I am and my purpose.
People put so much pressure on themselves when they feel that they cant, instead of realising that even what seems impossible is worth a try because you never know what you might find at the end of that can’t once you change into “let me try”.
It’s taken a village to open my eyes, a tribe of people that I celebrated in my previous post. Each one contributing in their own way to showing me love, light and helping me find my way. Next week I turn 40, it’s a new chapter for me. It’s a new direction for me and it’s my time to take everything that I have been pushing to learn and to start enjoying the rewards for a while.
One of the members of my tribe gave me this to think on, and I dont know if he realises the impact he has when he says these things but here it is: ” you 40 cause man made up that time frame. Although you cant change it on your ID you dont have to let it change how you think or feel“… Mind absolutely blown! This human seriously throws me into some deep waters when I’m feeling a little shallow.
Here I am celebrating my tribe again. They have no age limits, or personality requirements, some are 20, others are retired. None of this matters because very single human in my space and in my life has everything I need and more no matter which side of the age line they happen to fall. None of it matters, I love them all, I treasure them all and I would not be here today if not for them.
My 30’s chapter is coming to a close, it was a learning chapter, a growing chapter and a chapter of change. It was the chapter that I put so much work into healing that it changed me. It was was one of the most important chapters that I have lived through so far. Who knows what 40 will bring? I dont know but I can tell you that its gonna be one hell of a ride. One week left of 30’s, presents coming in already… let the celebrations begin!
Live your best life! Who cares how old you are, dont stop for anyone!
When I look around I notice how things have changed for me. The world hasn’t changed much, it’s still the same place it was back in the day, but I have changed. My life has changed, my mind has changed. I am no longer that person that I was back then. My default is no longer anger and pain, there are alot more smiles and I’m genuinely at a place of peace. Every now and then I’m reminded that I am still a work in progress, and not to get too confident in this new place of peace, because deep down I am still processing through the pain of the past and layer by layer I tackle each item as my mind is able to unfold them.
I realise that the difference between inner confidence and outer confidence shows only when you allow people into your intimate space. From the outside looking in people will see a strong and confident woman when they see me. They will not see the inner flaws that I battle with on a daily basis, because it’s not for them to see. I think part of the reason I havent settled down as yet is because I haven’t trusted anyone enough to let them in. I mean I can let you in the door, sure and show you around the living room of my life, I can even let you in my bedroom and show you some intimate parts of who I actually am. But will I let you read my diary? Are you worthy of best friend material? Can I trust you with the most delicate and intimate details of myself and also trust that you wont use this to hurt me one day? This is the risk I hadn’t been able to take since I was 25 years old.
You see I did it once, the love thing, the 7 year relationship that moulded me for the longest time. In fact I spent my best years loving someone, who in the end made the choice to not be loyal and to live a double life. I dwelled on this for so long that it started to turn me into a cold, disconnected person. In turn took me down a path of destructive encounters, I can’t say relationships, because can you even call it a relationship when you didn’t let them into those parts of you that requires openness an connection in order to be in an actual reltionship? So the ‘encounters’ I had were pretty destructive, and the one ‘encounter’ that I actually felt could have been more, turned out to be the perfect one for me to sabotage because my fear of closeness and of actually being loved was just greater than my desire for it.
When you are so afraid of pain, that you harden yourself to feeling intimacy and you steal from yourself huge pieces of life that you could have lived, but instead chose to hide in the comfort of your distance to others. It’s easy to avoid love connections when you have a solid friendship base and you are busy raising a little human. It never really gets to the point of lonliness until that solid friendship foundation is ripped from under you. It’s been just over 5 years now that I lost my friend to a car accident, and until she was gone I didn’t really understand the need to want to share my life with someone in the form of a partner because I shared my life with her. For as long as I can go back all my memories or most of them had her with me. We did most things together and when her time here was over, I had this missing piece that I know I can never replace. But realised it’s the trust that I lost, the closeness, the ability to bare my soul and still be loved through my imperfections. I realise that she filled the gap. When I lost my trust in romantic relationships, she filled that gap through a close friendship. So even though I was unable to trust in romance, I was never alone, ever.
Her leaving the world has forced me to face my fears and to actually allow people in, and I have. I have found peace with myself and who I am and I am no longer holding the world at an arms length. I have had to learn to love myself enough to let people love me. Do you know how tough that is for a guarded person? To break down the walls of the past is a process, that I would go through over and over again to get to this point of peace and love within myself. The turmoil one feels with being guarded is painful and can be lonely, not to mention alot of work because you find yourself doing everything on your own. Not allowing others to help, goodness what a tiring way to live! I’m grateful to have this new perspective, one that allows others in, one that understands that imperfections come with being human, but your tribe will embrace you as you are and those imperfections become the thing that makes you perfect to them.
Find your tribe, open yourself to love, open yourself to happiness, open yourself to peace and live your life free from the chains of your past.
One of the lessons I learned this weekend is not to wait for other people to lift you up or get you moving, you have to snatch up the opportunities as they come or you will miss out on so much. Another lesson is, if you surround yourself with trustworthy consistent people then you can trust that they will be consistent in the role that they play in your life or that their friendship/relationship with you is never something you have to doubt.
If you have been promised something by an individual that doesn’t deliver and you get offerered assistance by someone else, you cannot hold onto the undelivered promise; especially if they have let you down continuously. You have to put yourself first and walk through the doors that open for you. Life will continue to open doors that you are ready to walk through, fear will always do its best to hold you back and make you doubt yourself. You have to push through the fear.
People that consistently let you down or keep you waiting are not people that respect you or your time. Surround yourself with humans that appreciate you and the time you set aside to be with them. This way when you do spend time with people, it’s always time well spent and worth every minute. I may only have a handful of people I allow in my intimate circle now, but they are a well chosen few and I’m so blessed to have them.
My cup runs over, thank you for all the blessings.
We are not built to live in isolation. Humans are social beings. being isolated can open gates to many unnecesary dark corners in your mind that feed off each other and cause people to do things they would not have normally done if they were not so isolated from the world.
I’m writing about this because I have isolated myself many times and I find that it’s in those periods of isolation that my dark moments come out more regularly than they should. I begin to feed off my negativity and it is a dangerous space to be in. Having someone to share your life with is so vital to our well being. In the form of friends, family or partners. There has to be a level of interaction and love in our lives for us to function on a healthy level.
When my person past away I was lost for a very long time. I was lucky to have surrounded myself with more than one friendship to lean on when my heart was broken, because they carried me through the pain of losing a vital person in my life. I went into darkness regularly and was pulled out by love and support of friends and family. I don’t even want to think about what could have happened had I not had such a strong support base.
If you are alone, I wish you could understand that you dont have to be. There people out there that reach out and want to share themselves with you. You just have to open your heart to the possibilities of allowing a person into your space. We are not built for living alone, it has this habit of driving us insane. Isolation is used as a punishement, so why do we punish ourselves by isolating ourselves from the world and all the love it has to offer. Yes there is eveil, but if you look for evil you will find evil, if you look for good then good people will find you. Give yourself a chance and reach out, it will make the world of a difference in your life.
Everybody needs somebody, even those people that think they are good on their own. Open your heart to the love of the world and the love of the world will surround you with hugs in the form of warmth and beauty. Let mother earth hug you with her warmth and share her love with you.
I’ve being trying to do better with opening myself up to new and different possibilities for a while now. So far it’s taken me to places I’ve never been before and it has me bonding with people I would never have given a chance before. It has also helped me to open my eyes to the general nature of people outside of my norm and I realsied that people are generally kind and considerate in nature with the odd exeption obviously. However the majority seem have a general kindness in them helping me to understand that if you are surround by judgy unkind people you are in an unnatural environment and should remove yourself from that. Especially if you find yourself becoming like them.
Looking outside of your usual boundaries can be scary yes, I would know because I found comfort in my negative space and to have to recieve love and warmth was very uncomfortable for me for the longest time. A gentleman was assumed to be flirting because guys were only nice if they wanted something in my old life, until I stepped out of it and realised that being nice was just a part of having a good nature. I could be nice without people assuming it was because I wanted something. Do you know how long it took me to get out of this mindset. It’s so sad to know that there are good people living in bad environments that mask their goodness to the point of invisibility and all they allow the world to see is this hard exterior that refuses to crack. All in the name of self preservation, survival and protection. The closed doors that they face all because they cannot open themselves up to vulnerability. It makes me look at the world I grew up in and just want to shout from the mountain tops that its ok to love, not everyone is that guy or that girl or that friend that did you wrong. The pain isn’t forever, you dont have to protect yourself from EVERYONE. There are so many amazing humans that will love you if you just let them. And that is where the key to the door lies, you have to let them. You cant pretend like you dont need anyone and inside be screaming for love and affection. You have to give love and affection and it will find its way to you in ten fold. You have to let the doors be opened and allow your life to progress. You have to push your boundaries, get on that flight and find and adventure. Meet new people, learn new cultures and just embrace what the world has to offer. If you stay where you are, you will never learn more than what you see around you everyday. You have to look for new things and find new ways to earn your way through life. You have to push past what holds you back and push towards more. Because there is more out there, more of everything you dream of. You just have to believ in yourself and go for it.
Live you life with more in mind, always. Be better, do better, live better.
Sometimes I look at the world and think, what is the point of all of this. We can’t all just be here running around trying to pay bills and impress everyone with untruths. When you get down to the nitty gritty of your life, have you ever really wondered why you are here? Does there even have to be a why? Can it all just be pointless? I met someone a few years back that truly believes everything is pointless. How do you live a full happy life when you believe that nothing matters? How does that level of emptiness actually feel? Convincing yourself that you are free of burden by believing that nothing matters. OK if nothing matters why do you do everything in your power to keep your kids alive? Or to keep your pets alive? Or why do you water your plants? Why bother getting up in the morning to earn a living if none of it actually matters?
I cannot allow myself to fall into this trap of non belief. What I believe is that we have built in internal systems for a reason. Fight or flight reflexes for a reason. We have to follow our natural instincts and our internal guide to find our way and to stay alive. We use it to protect our families, for a reason. we may not have the reason but we cannot go through this life believing that its pointless, because if it was then we all mights well not bother to eat, drink or move and just die. We eat food and drink water for a reason – to live. We protect our families because we have a built in connection to them, its called love. We get up and do everything we can to survive and to live our best lives because we want to be successful for our families more than for ourselves. We take care of trees, because they give us Oxygen and we will die without them. If it was pointless then we wouldn’t need to bother because dying would just be one of those things, but its not. When someone dies we feel sadness and loss, because we have a connection to them somehow. Just because we cant explain it doesnt mean it isn’t there. All you have to do is pay close attention to feeling the world around you, closing your eyes and taking the time to connect to yourself, to nature, to life for you to know that everything has a purpose, there is a reason and nothing is pointless.
There is a lesson in every failure, making failure useful. There is satisfaction in being surrounded by love and knowing you belong. Everything is full of purpose, you just have to look deeper, stop being distracted by unnatural things, social media is not life, without it you will not die. Trees are life though, without them you will certainly die. Learn to appreciate the beauty of the world around you, the purpose of each LIVING thing and connect yourself to them. Surely this way, you simply cannot believe that there is no point. When you see how connected we all are, how we need each other to survive, how our energies move from one to another and how we can share positive energy with someone who needs it.
You just have to stop for longer than a minute, to breathe and connect or you will miss it and what a sad thing that will be if you go through this life missing all the beauty that we have been given for free.
I was introduced to my first Salsa festival in November 2016 when I was convinced to attend the Cape Town Salsa Festival with a group of Durban dancers who are now more family to me than anything. It was nothing I could have imagined and everything I didnt know I wanted! I had zero dance experience and still mangaed to have the best time because people in this community are very welcoming to absolute beginners. It’s very refreshing to see.
Since then I’ve done a few more local Festivals like the Mzanzi Jozi weekender (Mar 2017), Annual Ahora sea weekender at the Johannesburg Country Club (November 2017), International Akoma Dance Spirit Festival in Johannesburg (Aug 2018), Johannesburg Afrolatin Festival (March 2019), Mambo City in London UK (May 2019) and my last festival was Croatia Summer Salsa festival in Rovinj (June 2019). My biggest regret of 2019 was not being able to attend the Mother City Dance festival in Cape Town because it was one that I held close to my heart and I heard it was off the chain! 2020 Mother City festival is not negotiable I cant miss it again!
It seems I have become a festival junkie… It should say something to you about the energy one experiences in these types of environments. Not everyone has the experience I have, I know, but I can only share with you my experience to be truly authentic.
My next festival will be a repeat of the Johannesburg Afrolatin festival! ( you can find all information here: https://www.afrolatinfestival.co.za )Why am I doing this festival again you ask! Have a read on my previous post called influencers I wrote on 18 March 2019 (here is the link for your ease of access https://tamstame.com/2019/03/18/influencers/). I didn’t focus so much on the dancing because the impacts that were made on me at this specific festival were more internal and self improvement moments were had. This year with all the internal work that I have put into myself, I can now attempt to focus on actually doing this dancing thing properly and not making excuses for my lack of knowledge or ability anymore… It’s simple, I need to focus on the musicality (which I can begin to learn at this weekend), I need to find my own ways to express myself, I need to get out of my head and last but certainly not least I need to practice! I dont aim to be a professional dancer that has a career in dancing, my interest is purely on a social basis, but if I’m gonna hang with this crew I HAVE TO UP MY GAME. Coz boy are they not waiting for me they are flying by!
Everyone has a process that they have to follow for their individual situation, my process has been a complicated one, but certainly not an impossible one. The key to my 2020 year is to finish and to not throw in the towel because its out of my comfort zone. Yes it’s difficult, but it’s not impossible. This doesn’t apply to dance only, it applies to everything outside of my comfort zone. My internal struggles that happen in my mind. 2019 was my year of placement, 2020 is my year of using where I have been placed to the fullness of it’s capacity in ALL aspects of my life. Career wise, in how I mother my daughter, in learning to dance and in my travel opportunities. I just want to stop wasting momentes that I could use based on fear or embarrassment. I look at 2019 and so much was handed to me that I didnt fully utilise, I could have grown so much more if it wasn’t for fear of being in the spotlight. This year even if I make a fool of myself I will not shy away from the challenges thrown at me. Starting from today, challenge accepted is no longer just on my weight or in my videos or my writing. It’s extended to everything that challenges me, that stirs a little bit of fear in me… I accept the challenge that life throws at me. To everyone who will see this as an opportunity to be a negative force and amuse yourself in my challenges, let me help you now by saying I accept your challenge anyway and I hope that the darkness in your heart that pushes you to hurt others will be outshined by the light I hold in me to help others.
To all my South African readers, if you have never attended a dance festival, I guarentee you that you will have an out of this world experience! Check out the links provided and grab yourself a weekend of PROPER dancing and entertainment! Don’t fret if you dont know how, there are local schools in your area that can teach you a thing or 2 in the next few weeks and there are also beginners classes at the festival for those of you that are just having a looksy. Trust me, it”s worth every cent that you will spend!
For my international readers, if you ever needed a reason to visit our beautiful country, this would be one of them, come and experience the vibrance of the South African Dance community doing what they love and sharing it with everyone who dares to show some interest.
Lets challenge ourselves in 2020 and for all the years to come. Dont be stuck in your comfort zone, you only have this life so live it to the fullest while you have breath in your body. Find where your heart is happy and then do as much of that thing as you can. For me its dancing, for you it could be anything else.
Live your life in the midst of the things and the people that bring you happiness!
It’s been so long since I’ve actually dated that I don’t think I remember how anymore. I’ve run out of excuses now and realise that fear of sharing me intimately with another is not going to overcome itself, I have to actually try. Also by intimately I don’t mean sex, to those who define intimacy as a physical characteristic. Also; I’ve done the “be alone” work in 2018 when I took time from dating (so yes I took time off to be alone on purpose), then in 2019 I dipped my toe into a little situation that ended up opening Pandora’s box in the form of every insecurity and fear that I had hidden inside of me and forced me to face them ALL at once. It was an internal storm that I needed to experience to resolve so many issues I had developed over the years of my life. I think it closed me off even more to the possibility of intimacy for a very long time, but opened my eyes to the many things I have yet to heal and have already healed in myself. I realised that all these disasters have nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with where I am in my life and what I am allowing in my space!
So this post is about healing and overcoming brokenness as you have possibly realised by now. It’s inevitable that your heart will break at some point in your life, even if you found the one at 12 and married him and lived happily ever after. Life still happens and hearts still break. So if you are that person that have their happily ever after, I send love and light into your life for the rest of your days.
Now let’s move onto the rest of us, the ones that tried and failed. the ones that failed even before they could try and the ones that didn’t even know how to try and ended up broken and alone.
Can I begin by acknowledging that you are whole! Even alone, you are whole. Whether you have been broken down, trampled on, abused, rejected, neglected or even thrown away; you are still whole! The emptiness you feel inside is not because you need another half, it’s because you have some darkness that has cast a shadow over your light. Yes, you thought he loved you and you glowed with everything from within because you felt like HE was your everything, so you gave him all of your power… now he is gone and it seems like he has taken a part of you with him, right? WRONG… All of you is still with you! No matter how much pain you are in, you are still in one piece, you have just momentarily allowed another to cast their shadow over you but if you just take a few steps forward, away from his or her darkness into your own light you will see that he/she hasn’t taken a single thing from you, but instead has given you the freedom to find your light again… it may take a while, I agree this is not a fairy tale where everything falls in your lap. No, you have to cry the tears , feel the pain, acknowledge the hurt, understand that it was never about you, people do what they do because of their own desires, so you have to let the guilt of what you could have done go and you have to ask yourself what can you do now to heal and improve your life and make better choices. Let the crazy out if you have to, don’t hold back your emotions because you think you might offend somebody. Sometimes releasing all the frustration you feel inside is key to your healing process. Every situation is different, every person is different, nobody heals the same way, but you have to find a way! The freedom of healing after brokenness is like standing on a mountain top with your arms open wide and taking a deep breath, with the wind blowing through your hair and the clouds around you as you look down on the world and just exhale allowing peace to overcome your mind, body and soul.
Overcoming emotional pain is one the most difficult things you will have to encounter, but overcome it you certainly can. Can we please clarify though, that overcoming does not mean sweep under a carpet and pretend it didn’t happen, because it did happen and you have an obligation to yourself to acknowledge that it happened and to face the pain. Give it a stern look in the eye (or in the mirror because you are talking to yourself here) and tell it that your light will overcome this darkness, no matter how long it takes! Stare it right in the eye and declare victory over it before it gets a chance to sink its teeth into your soul and seep its darkness into you. If it’s already taken a chunk or 2 and you feel like you are half a person remind yourself that you are created to heal, if you are not dead you are capable of healing and no amount of pain or trauma can defeat you once you declare victory over it… There are people with no legs and no arms that have declared victory over their lives and are winning! Here you are, all of your limbs, all of your senses and losing a battle that others are fighting with not even 1/4 of what you have! You have to pick your head up, you have to stare that shit right in the face and you have to tell it that the ride is over, it’s time to get off the bus and walk yourself to safety, to love, to light.
I write these words because I lived them, more than once. I write these words because I too at some point felt that giving up was an option until I realised that it wasn’t. It’s taken me over 10 years to unravel the pain and suffering in my heart caused by the turmoil of what was meant to be love. It’s taken me even longer to heal from the pain of another’s actions violating my body and then leaving me to face the world in shame. I write these words and tears fill my eyes because I know the sharpness and the depth of pain that we have had to face or will have to face in the future, and I feel with you the suffering of a broken spirit. I know the fight you will have to fight, the wars you will face within yourself. I also know that you can do this! You have to find the glimmer of light that nobody can extinguish but your maker, you have to look inside yourself until you find it! Then you have to nurture that glimmer of light and love it and appreciate it until it grows and shines and pushes the darkness out. You have to do it, because if you don’t you will drown and you will be defeated, not because you are weak, but because you didn’t even try. Give yourself a chance, lift your head up high and you look yourself in the eye and you declare victory over whatever situation you find yourself in! Then forward march into the battle of overcoming your own darkness and watch how the light in you will take over and push you to levels you didn’t even once imagine were possible!
I believe in you, because once I didn’t believe in me and now I believe not only in myself but in you as well. Because if I can do it you can too.
It’s my first post of the year and I’m really excited to get back into it, my break was well deserved and I am truly blessed to have had the opportunity to enjoy such a magnificent festive season. I hope that you all were out there living your best lives this festive and staying true to you! If not, its never to late to try and make those changes because every day brings you to new beginnings and a fresh new start.
I chose to enter my 2020 year in high energy and the New year squad was just what I needed. Positive energy vibes all around me, full support in every aspect of who I am, and just plain reallness. Teary speeches, leaving my mascara running down my face but, no problem because we had a make up rescue genius on hand. Look, it’s so important to surround yourself with positive energy, but also to know that if for a moment you have a small hiccup and a song decides to tug at your heartstrings in public, that the same level of energy is put into caring hugs and warm smiles so that the dip of energy lasts just for a moment. When they let you feel what you are feeling and immediately pick you up by just being themselves… this is what friendship is. This is what I have surrounded myself with! Good people, living their best lives, making changes to themselves and to the world one moment at a time.
My life has made a full postive turnaround, if I think of where I was 5 years ago and 5 years before that and even before that the growth in me has been exponetial and at one point last year I panicked because I felt like everything was happening way too quickly, but all it took was a breathing moment and for me to allow myself to feel and express myself instead of avoiding it. I didn’t believe in Tammy back then, now I am my greatest supporter, I know that with hard work and determination everything is possible. If I learn to celebrate the little things before I know it, all those little things add up to a huge step in the right direction. To this day people have negative things to throw at me, the difference now is that I don’t take them to heart anymore and their words move past me so quickly that I hardly even notice. You teach people how to treat you and if someone is treating you badly the only response is to remove yourself from their negative space, that way they will have the opportunity to either see the error of their ways or to continue spewing negative everything somewhere else.
2019 was an amazing year and 2020 is going to be an even better one. TO BIG HAPPY CHANGES was the cheers/toast to our new year! I’m all about fresh starts and new beginnings, I don’t care if you use the beginning of the year as a reason or the beginning of a month. Just as long as you start somewhere, no matter how small, because everything counts in the the long run. I’m so excited to see what this year will unfold for everyone and I cant wait to watch the people around me grow into themselves and find success in who they are. It’s going to be spectacular just to be a part of and to witness!
It’s Christmas eve and the world has pulled out all the stops in preparation for tomorrow. Some people are rushing through last minute shopping, others are home prepping for the meals they have planned, others have to work and are at their respective jobs, just doing what they need to do in order to survive, wishing they were home but understanding the importance of being employed and committing themselves to the tasks they have promised to fulfill. Then there are people who are alone, with nobody to celebrate with, some are homeless and others have been abandoned by their loved ones and others have lost loved ones and long for their presence, holding onto the memories for dear life.
This christmas while you celebrate, lets be joyful and full of cheer. Lets also be kind to EVERYONE not just those we see fit for kindness. It’s a time for love and hope, so create hope where you can and spread love how you can. It may even change your life! It’s so important to be mindful of others even in our time of celebration, because not everyone has what you have and not everyone is as strong as you are. Give more, live more, love more, laugh more and sing more this Christmas.
Travel safely to all your destinations and have an absolute blast! Merry Christmas everyone! It’s time to rest up re-assess our lives and plan for the future. Lets be better next year, lets do more and live larger!
It seems dance will always be a part of me and curiosity definitely keeps me close by, no matter what challenges I may or may not face it always brings me in full circle right back to dancing! It’s only those that have a love for something that will truly understand how it feels to have something connect to you in ways that nothing else does! As you all have gathered by now writing is my number 1 love and that is why you are here because I believe that sharing my love for everything life is vital in this world! So I’d like to offer an extension to those who share my 2nd love … dance, to find something special in the New Year, something they wont regret!
Dance may be my 2nd love next to writing but it definitely is the heart and soul of Mambo City’s Jean and Robert White! These two are amazing at what they do! Organising events to bring dance communities together and not only teach dance but also live through dance. Earlier this year for the first time ever Mambo City held an event called Mambo Con Son. It was first of its kind, different to their many, many events that they have held over the years. This event was unique in the sense that the Weekend was for dancers who dance On2, want to learn On2, or want to connect to the timing and rhythm of Son. They brought together some of the leading dancers in the world of Cuban and New York Dance and their workshops used live percussion to aid with understanding of the rhythms and timing.
The event was so successful that they decided to do it again next year, January to be exact and the response has been through the roof! It’s clear why though; focusing on just On2 is not something that is common and assisting On1 students with the transition between the 2 is not always the easiest, so a weekend like this is truly important, not only for the students who wish to transition but also for those that love On2 and just wanna splurge without having to give in to the occasional dance partner who isn’t familiar at all. Lessons with live percussions are magical, as they teach you the elements of the music as well; I experienced this previously and found it to assist me with understanding the music more than I did previous to the lessons!
I personally would give my left toe to be able to share this experience with Mambo City because it sounds simply out of this world amazing! I had a look at the line-up and boy is everybody in for a treat! They have Maykel Fonts & Sylvia Chapelli, Adolfo Indacochea & Lorenita, Tania Cannarsa, Osbanis Tejeda & Anneta Kepka, Anne &Anichi, Delia Madera, Luanda Pau Baquero, Damarys & Juan Carlos, DJ Julian The Duke, DJ Rumbero, DJ Dmitri, DJ Tuli, Abu (Pachanga) Gibril, Julian Summers and Olu Kongi. Look I may be biased because some of my favourites appear on this list, but let me just say that this weekend will definately be worth every cent and all the effort to get there! I recommend getting your tickets ASAP and planning your trip if you are not located in London. I see no better way to start the New year than with a fresh dose of Con Son!
Your excitement should be through the roof because these kinds of weekends really do make a huge difference to your progression in dance, whether you are still crawling like me or flying like the listed stars of the weekend, it always pays off to take the time to invest in your self and your love for everything dance and music. So if I have made your feet itchy and you just have to go and see what I’m on about I suggest you go to http://mamboson.co.uk where you will find all of the information that you need! Book your tickets through Eventbrite (which you also find on http://mamboson.co.uk ) and plan your first weekend of January (03rd to 06th Jan 2020) to be one filled with the chemistry of dance! It will absolutely blow your mind!
You can also find all the information you need about Mambo city on http://salsadance.co.uk feel free to browse and feed your curiosity. You will not be dissapointed!
P.S. I wrote this piece because Robert and Jean are two of the most genuine souls I know, and I honestly believe that taking the time to share this experience with them will be an investment to not only your dancing but to your soul.
I have wanted to give up on my dreams oh so many times, because its really tough to hang in there and push through the hard times. Nobody ever really wants to admit that they struggle, they prefer to just silently suffer in the darkness of their minds; some never break through but there are some that always do. Have you ever found yourself in total admiration of the strength and determination that those who push through their pain and come out on the other side acquire.
People often look at the rich and famous and think; how lucky they are! If you look closely you will realise that it has nothing to do with luck at all, most of them are just average people like you and I who have pushed so hard against the grain that they eventually made it through to the other side. They didn’t give up, they cried their tears, slept in their cars, moved in with their mothers, slept on peoples couches and even went hungry before they got to where they are now. I love how their stories are now told to help others going through hard times in order to motivate them to push through. It’s important to share you progress if you know it will help others come closer to finding themselves.
When I was growing up I didn’t really have anyone to help me push through my pain, as a result I dwelled in it for the first 25 years of my life. I just accepted fate to be what I had percieved it to be. I was not surrounded by people who lifted me up and pushed me in ways that I responded to. I did however find it fascinating how people who had nothing, broke through and found something in themselves to work with even when it seemed like they had nothing. It was definately too good to be true. I dont want to mention any names because there are just too many to mention, and I dont care how many haters there are in the world, because when I hear the success stories of others and I see how the world has a way of giving you what you ask for in its time not in your time, but you still get what you ask for in some way, shape or form. It’s so difficult to believe in yourself when everyone around you keeps telling you its impossible, who do you think you are and why on earth you would want to do something so ridiculous. I’ve learned that the people closest to you will be your greatest deterent, they will tell you everything you DON’T need to hear and then a complete stranger will come your way and say everything you need to hear in a positve light and help you to keep pushing through.
It’s all about knowing your pain, accepting your pain and then healing it through forgiveness, peace and understanding. Knowledge is key, you must know your enemy before you can destroy it, don’t just go in blindly and hope for the best. It’s not easy to do the actual work on yourself, nothing is, but as you rid yourself of one bad habit at a time, one dark space at a time, one bad relationship at a time, you will find that over a few years of building yourself up and pushing your pain out that you have the clear mind to start creating a new foundation, one that isn’t build on pain anymore but on peace , love and joy; one that has a full understanding of what you intend to build and therefore is structured to hold everything your dreams are made of. Sounds amazing, I know, but first youhave to clear out the clutter, push out the dirt and breathe in the fresh airomas of a clean slate.
Push through your pain, find your peace and heal your wounds, know who you are when you come out on the other side and then live everyday being that person, no matter who tells you not to.
Allowing yourself to process a disagreement is really vital to your growth and understanding of yourself. It’s when we overlook the confusion or the pain and pretend that it doesn’t exist, that we create a negative space for darkness to grow in our hearts. I was inspired to write about this because I had an experience yesterday that opened my eyes to something I mostly overlooked.
Meeting new people can be a smooth ride or a bumpy one, depending on the circumstances. Due to my life experiences I have always found it easier to just remove someone when I feel that they are not in alignment with my journey, what I failed to realise that in some instances it’s important to also have the uncomfortable conversation with that person if they are important to you and try to see where their hearts are actually at. Maybe if they hear what you have to say they will actually understand and instead of losing a person you will gain a stronger relationship. I have been removing myself from people’s lives without even giving them the opportunity to defend themselves or even telling them how I feel so they can be made aware of why I removed myself.
I am grateful to have been called out yesterday by a new friend, where I was ready to pull myself out completely and not even think twice, and the question was raised… How are you going to deal with a relationship or a partnership in the future if you can’t discuss differences in opinion when they happen and you just ignore and go silent avoiding the situation entirely? I see the importance now of pushing through and having the courage to say what you feel and thereafter you can decide if the friendship or relationship is for you or not. I have walked out of too many friendships without a discussion, not because I couldn’t have one, but because I didn’t want to face the confrontation that could possibly create chaos for that moment. I see now that this is a cowardly thing to do and not only is it unfair to the other person but also to myself because I have been avoiding how I really feel about that person or situation and just “sweeping my feelings under the carpet”.
My eyes have been opened and my courage has been increased and I am really grateful to have this layer of truth exposed for now I have a responsibility to face confrontation instead of shying away from it. I truly believe that once you have the truth in your hands it’s your responsibility to follow that truth and to always keep it in your path to finding your true self and growing into the person you were created to become. Once you know a thing, you cannot UN-know that thing; it will forever change how you see the world to be.
I do still believe that respect goes a long way and just because you disagree with a person does not meant you have to be disrespectful towards them, because how you treat others really is a mere reflection of how you feel about yourself.
Live your life always respecting yourself and others.
I had no intention to write today, Mondays seem to have become the day I post on here especially since my inspiration has been low and my energy has been out of balance. Today I was scrolling through facebook and i realised so much is happenning around me, its my brothers birthday, my nephews no longer look like babies they are teenagers now, my friends are facing emotions I never thought they would face because they seem so together, some people that were close to me seem so far away now and then people that were far away have pulled themselves closer, people are dying, mothers are crying, others are celebrating life, travelling the world, dancing to their hearts content, the homeless guy of the corner that I greet and chat to every day when I stopped at his traffic light wasnt there today and I missed that smile and short conversation we have every morning.
So as I’m scrolling through facebook, literally looking at everyone elses lives, smiling at the accomplishments and feeling heartsore for those that have difficulties ahead of them, I decided to stop scrolling and take a short account of my life, to evaluate why I have cucooned myself in this protective bubble I find myself in when everyone else is out there clawing at everything to live, fighting to survive and here I am, complacent because something inside of me stopped fueling my fire. It was inside of me that the bubble formed, that I decided I’m safe here and I wont step out too much more, that I’ve pushed enough now and its time to stop. But look at the guy who stands at that traffic light every single day fighting to survive, and the man who I saw washing his face on the road because one of the pipes had burst and it was his ”gap” to get clean and feel fresh, he grabbed at the opportunity. He didn’t care that people could see, he cared that there was water and he could wash. Why am I so afraid to be who I am consisitently, to do what I need to do when the opportunity arises? When I know that its up to me to push, to fight and to create my own opportunities. The world offers me so much, doors are opened all the time, I knowso many people who would give their everything to be exposed to as much as I am exposed to, in both my working life and my personal life. Why am I not pushing more, why am I so afraid of success? Because its literally knocking on my door screaming for me to let it in???
Today as I sit here, I realise that everything I haven’t been doing, is not because I can’t do it, or because I dont know how, it’s because I’m afraid that once I do, theres no turning back and I’m terrified that I wont be ready; because to transition from being just someone who follows and goes with the flow to someone who leads because even in trying to be invisible my entire life I was not able to be invisible and now I have to just be who I was born to be and allow the natural progression of things to flow freely from my core without trying to contain it all in this bubble that I use as an excuse to hold myself back from being something greater that I could ever imagine.
You must be reading this and thinking what is she on and where can I get some!!! Hahaha, well it seems that today I broke through a layer of fear that has been holding me back and I have this feeling I should buckle up and brace myself because whats coming is going to be one hell of a ride! I’m gonna ride this wave confidently because I know who I am and theres just really no point in hiding myself anymore.
Thank you so much for being here, I absolutely love sharing myself with you and I really hope you enjoyed reading this post as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Live your life out of your bubble and keep pushing!
Opening yourself up to new people and to different things isn’t always as easy as it seems. For some of us it takes defying everything that we have installed in our current operating system (mind). There are very few people that I connect with on a real level. What I find is that whenever I do find such a person it is always someone that has the ability to push me to the next level. I don’t ask for these people to be sent into my life, but I’m truly grateful that they do.
If one attracts what they are, then the improvement in the state of my being has really grown exponentially over the last few years. I find myself in circles of positive people, filled with support of who I am and what I want to do; and I am distanced from those that criticize and put me down. This change is also not something that I asked for, but as I learned to love myself and improve myself, being around anyone that treats me less than I deserve just isn’t worth my time. So I found myself alone and isolated from what I knew because it just didn’t feel right anymore. Yet from that isolation and distance the people that enter my life now are on a different level to what I was used to, and more concurrent to the path that I am now on.
Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that every single person from my past is toxic, because that would not be true. I just needed to separate myself from everyone to finally hear my own voice and figure out what direction I needed to go. When your life is too noisy and you cannot hear your own voice, it’s necessary to take drastic steps to quieten everything down in order to find your bearings. As I progress in finding my true voice, the one I was born to be; the one that is not silenced by pain and suffering, I believe I will find my way to all those both in my past and future that are true to me and my calling. For I know in my heart where I belong and the journey to find that place is what makes me stand tall and strong; able to face adversity and overcome obstacles thrown in my way.
I am not on this journey alone, I have never been and I am truly grateful to every single soul that has played an important role in my growth. Whatever role it was whether positive or negative. If I had not crossed every path, met every person, made every single mistake and endured so much pain; I would not be the woman that I am today, I would not be the power that I am today and I certainly would not be the strength that I am today. So to every person place and thing that has touched my life and molded me into the woman I am right now, I thank you, I embrace you and I definitely needed you, because now I see that no matter what I’ve been through or what you have done to me or deprived me of, how you loved me or hurt me, that it was all necessary to break me, mold me and create the person that stands tall today with her head held high – I have survived it all – I am still here!!
I haven’t written in a while and the reason is that I have felt somewhat deflated over the past few weeks. What goes up must come down… right? The important part is that we don’t stay down for too long and get our butts back in the game.
So here is the story… I have always written everything down. It’s in my blood to pour myself onto paper. It was only until a few years ago that I acknowledged this as part of who I am and decided that I should be doing it all the time. But the thing that got me was, why am I doing this? It started out because a few birdies whispered to me that I should give it a try and I was too afraid so I didn’t at first, but then it became a challenge to face my fear of “showing” myself to the world and just do it, so I did but I didnt let anyone know that I was writing, I just wrote and left it out there for whoever to stumble across it by chance. After a year I got the confidence to show the people in my world and on facebook etc. what I’ve been up to and I only recieved positive feedback from those who supported the page.
So what is the actual problem? Why have I not been writing? What is actually holding me back? Well it’s because I write the truth, and my truth felt deflated for a moment and I didnt want to impose my darkness on you! So I climbed into my hole and hibernated, feeling like a fraud, like I’m letting you down and also letting myself down. All because I chose to hide and not fight through the blank space and make the time to write something, anything. But I didn’t; I chose to hide.
In my hiding space I went to a friends wedding and met some very interesting people. While in Cape Town I met a young lady, around 24 years of age who asked my friend for his lighter. Little did I know that this soul would awaken inside of me what was always there but afraid to come out. As she stood there and smoked her cigarette she complained about a few things in her life and by default I found myself giving her some advice about the choices she makes for herself and how important they are. After our chat she said I should start a blog because she thought people would be interested in what I have to say. It was then that I felt guilt filling in my core, guilt for not writing, guilt for hiding and guilt for not pushing harder.
I think in the frustration of having to maintain a 9 to 5 job in order to keep my family a float and my bills paid I found myself frustrated. Frustrated because I had not managed to balance the two and chose one over the other, when I had made a promise to myself to prioritise doing what I loved no matter what tried to distract me. I think this feeling of guilt and frustration was due to my promise to always do my best to share my experiences and my findings in order to help and then I realised how dissapointed I was in myself when I opened my page this morning and found it neglected and stagnant for so long.
My wake up call was the young lady who soaked in every word that came out of my mouth as I reminded her of her worth and her capabilities if she put her mind to her goals. Along with the realisation of my own goals as I spoke to her and how I too need to practice what I preach and remember my very own worth along with my very own goals. It reminded me that I am important and I have to focus on myself and my state of mind even when things become testing and frustrating its up to me not to allow the emotions to take over and the frustration to rule over my choices.
I have been unkind to myself, by not maintaining a balance between mind, body and soul and in return have been unkind to my family by not giving them the best version of myself allowing myself to fall in the trap of straight lines when life is not a straight line at all.
I write these words with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart. Hope for a renewal of spirit, hope for my balance to return and hope for my days to be brighter and full of more of me and less of “them”. What will “they’say? It doesnt matter, because no matter what I choose “they” will always have something to say. So more of me and less of them. More courage less fear. More pushing forward and less hiding in the shadows.
I had a conversation with an old friend of mine who has not had an easy life due to the choices he had made. But life keeps giving him the greatest opportunities to re invent himself and to make the positive changes he needs in his life. If only he could grab a hold of one of those opportunities and use it to stabalise himself, or to create a positive life for himself. Look, I realise its up to him to see how blessed he actually is and to make the necessary changes he needs to create happiness and abundance in his life. I also realise that pain can sometimes blind us to what we actually have and make us dwell in what we feel inside.
It made me take a moment to think about all the opportunities I have let slide past me in the name of fear, or not believing in myself. I realise that I have to be the change I wish to see in my friend, not only for my own benefit but for those around me. I cannot control what other people do, but I do control what I do and if they have an example, someone to show them that there is a way out and that life does not have to be a pit of misery no matter what you have been faced with. I will never dial down anyones pain, pain is real and felt in the depths of a persons being, they are entitled to feel what they feel. My wish for those that have been broken, hurt and violated is to show them that they are not doomed to a life of misery and that they CAN overcome the darkness that takes over, it is not forever and they really are able to move past the darkness and find their light once again. I know there are people that will say “easier said than done,” and I agree it really is easier to say all these things than to actually get them done. Which is why I choose to focus on what I can change, and thats myself. If they see that I can heal my own pain and not be dark anymore then maybe, just maybe, I can motivate someone to do the same, or at least try and look for a silver lining to the cloud they may find themselves in.
My daughter looks to me for everything, and I have to show her that there is always light even in the darkest moment, if she just looks within herself and tries to find it. No matter how difficult it may be. I know that I am not perfect, I know that there are people that are better equipped to be the change I wish to see in the world, but the reality of the matter is that we all have to play our part, and if I can be brave and find my light then hopefully you will want to be brave and find yours too. After all, we cannot allow darkness to win, no matter how hard it tries , light must always prevail.
The only thing thats guarenteed is death and taxes? This is what I constantly hear from people when expectations are not met. As I think on it, it becomes clearer every time how true this saying ACTUALLY is, because absolutely nothing is truly guarenteed. We are “winging it” through this life, grasping at straws and holding onto whichever concept works for us at that moment, but who truly knows?
This piece was inspired by a picture of a lady entering “Heaven” and hugging Jesus and it occurred to me that even this may not look like what we percieve it to look like. The picture of Heaven and Hell that has been painted in our hearts and minds may not look like what we think it looks like. The picture of marriage that has been planted in our minds may not even be what it looks like, just what we made it up to be along the way.
Things are constantly changing as the years go by, nothing really stays the same, so if you look at the greater scheme of things a question asked to me by someone last year re enters my thought process… “does any of it actually matter in the end?”
Man has created the need for money , its become a necessary evil required for survival, it gives strength to the rich and takes strength from the poor. People with money are treated better becasue they have more to offer and people without it are starving to death because without currency they cannot eat. Land is now something that is so controlled that people cannot freely move around the earth as they wish because borders have been put up and if you dont have money you cannot cross them.
It makes me look at everything that I do for survival and it makes me scared for my grandchildren and what they will have to endure. It’s not a matter of surviving the wild anymore and we dont have to worry about wild animals. It’s our own kind that threaten us, it’s our own kind that we have to be alert around and it’s our own kind that will be the death of us. We have caged the wild animals and kept them in parks, not allowing them free access to the land we are all meant to share and we cage ourselves in little boxes and then call it surviving. We work for money and then pay bills to keep what we have. the circle is so vicious that when I look at what is happening I think what the absolute F*#$!
The human race is in such a fast paced downward spiral that I don’t think they will be able to stop in time, and before we know it… there will be nothing left. Nothing left for our children to see but burnt offerings of a world we once got to enjoy. Nothing left of nature because we killed all the animals that lived with us. Nothing left of the earth because we destroyed it to the point of no return… and then what? Will we then meet our maker? Will we still get to run into the arms of our maker after we destroyed everything?
I’m struggling, I really am… to grasp the point of it all. I work hard all day and am a slave to bills so my family can be fed, educated and have a roof over their heads. Money is basically the driving force of the existence of most people and we can never have enough of it; the poor need more and the rich want more. It’s a never ending story of greed and pain that has become the new circle of life. We are born, we have a moment of actual bliss where we get to be free (because our parents are doing all the work) but then we have to go to school to learn how to function in a world created for people to fail so that the rich can stay rich and the middle class can be content with working for the rich and the poor will just stay poor because they dont have the tools to make the changes they need to make. Then in the end everybody dies and becomes the dust and then what?
I have to believe there is more! I have to believe that I am more than just a mere blink in the the greater scheme of things. I don’t care that it seems stupid to some, It has to be true, because the alternative just makes no sense to me at all. If I have to choose in believing in greater or just believing in this, I’m goint to choose that there is more to everything than just doom and gloom. I’ll rather be blissful fool than a miserable realist … Either way death will come… I’ll just be smiling more on the journey!
Live your life true to your beliefs and the rest is history, because in the end it’s what YOU believe that really matters.
So I finally made this video, because my time is just about up and next week is my deadline for posting a video. This is the link to watch the video: https://youtu.be/nQRnGHb-mWM .
It took me 6 months to actually post a video. I would like to share with you why I took so long to do this; I was scared, I didn’t believe that I could face this fear right now, I am too critical of everything that I do, I want perfection and nothing is perfect, I have some underlying confidence issues that I am working on, and lastly I was just scared and had to go through the process of trusting myself all over again like I did with this blog.
Please let me know if you enjoyed my video and subscribe to my youtube channel if you are interested in what I will put out there.
Always remember that nobody else is going to do this life thing for you. It’s all on you, and yes you will share it with people along the way, some will be givers and some will just take, and then you will get those well balanced individuals that know the importance of both giving and receiving.
Whenever I get into a funk about my progress I noticed that I retract myself from people. Not because I don’t value them or care but because I value myself enough to know when I need to reset myself. You know, stop, listen to your mind, body and soul and then assess what’s out of balance to make the necessary adjustments you need for progress.
Whenever I’m in a funk I always try to remember that this too shall pass and only I can make the shift needed to get out of this mind-set of being in a funk. I immediately know when I am out of balance, I don’t immediately adjust though, I have this habit of going into autopilot mode and then after blindly going through weeks of imbalance I get to a point of “no more”. Where I just can’t do it anymore and I have to snap out of it to find my balance again.
This business of sleepwalking through life is a topic discussed by many, and it is a real thing. People are like zombies going through their lives with no ambition or drive and just get through the day to get through the day. They don’t know any better and are numb to their daily routine. These people are the ones that resist change because they are very comfortable in their pain and find too much discomfort in change, even if it is a positive one. Sometimes when having conversations with this type of person I have to remember that I too once lived like this and rolled into every day just to get through and so I have to believe that the seeds of information that I could plant in a lost mind may one day grow into fruition and I have to remember that those conversations are important to have and so I need to be balanced because how will I find the patience to be my best self for these conversations if I myself cannot snap out of my own funk.
I try to remember that nobody is perfect and that everybody is doing the best they know at that moment. So just because I am at the point of moving forward and growing does not mean that everybody else is at this point with me. I have to remember that I am a work in progress and I am worthy of the work I put into myself, this way I can be a blessing to others keeping my struggle in mind while attempting to understand others.
I was in a funk for a little while, a few days of retracting didn’t hurt anyone, but I have found my way back to my balance and can continue to search for progress and share my journey with all my struggles and my success along the way. Being me was never an easy task, but as I learn to embrace myself more and more I find myself enjoying the journey and what seemed like a task at one point has now become such a joy to explore.
Happy Monday everyone, I hope the weekend brought good things your way and if it didn’t I hope you find peace in knowing that everything will work out as it should in the end. Just hang in there.
Getting out of my head has proven to be an extremely difficult task, I don’t think its impossible because I win sometimes and actually set myself free of my critical mind, but when you have been criticising yourself ALL your life because you were criticised all you life its difficult to break that habit entirely in one go. It’s a creeper this habit, creeps up on you when you are most unsuspecting and boom before you even realised it you have talked yourself out of something, because your internal voice told you to stay in your lane.
This habit is covered in great detail by many life coaches, motivational speakers and even psychologists. I’ve heard it being referred to as the internal dialogue, the continuous tape playing over and over in your mind and even negative seeds that have been planted in the garden of your mind. I agree with all of these, I have even tried ALL of the methods to help break the chain. Look we all want to pick up a self help book, or go to a seminar and think its going to fix us. Let me be the one to burst your bubble… It’s NOT. The only thing thats going to fix us, is us. We have to do the work on ourselves every day to rid ourselves of this virus we have in our minds, killing our dreams day by day. Telling us we are not good enough and that we cannot do great things. The only cure is YOU. YOU have to decide that you are will to make the effort and make the changes, to do the exercises and with time I do believe it will make the biggest difference.
If I had to compare me now to me 10 years ago, I have to tell you that I am a completely different human being. Not only has my thought process changed, but with each little step that I have taken for myself, I have changed my life completely! I think differently, speak differently, I’m passionate about things now, I express myself now, I even show happiness and sadness every single time i feel them. I used to be such a cold person that was too afraid to show myself, my true self because I was afraid that the world would reject me. NOW I show myself because I ACCEPT ME and whether the world rejects me or not is not my problem, because I am here, and as long as I breath I will keep trying, keep pushing and I will keep believing.
Am I immune to rejection? Hell no! Does it hurt tremendously when I am rejected? Hell yes! Does it stop me from trying again? Sometimes, but not always… I am a work in progress and I have come a long way. Once I find my place in MY world, then I will be truly free. Once I believe 100% that everything is going to be alright then I know I will let go of that small amount of doubt that I seem to still hold onto. But I am more than halfway there. I have come a long way from where I used to be and I still have a very long way to get where I want to go. What is the key to all of this? Have a picture, have a plan, and then work your butt off to get closer to that picture or that goal. Sometimes you might not like the route you have to take! But you have to wake up every day, show up everyday and be the best that you can be at that very moment!
This morning it took everything out of me to get myself out of bed and show up for this day. EVERYTHING told me to get back into bed curl up in a ball and just sleep. But I decided to ignore this loud noise that clouded my better judgement and listen to the whisper telling me that I have work to do, that I have to push, that this is not forever and it will pass. I have to push myself harder sometimes, on those days when I feel hopeless, like today, I have to push harder, because if I dont, who is going do it for me? I have to learn to get out of my head sometimes , because if I dont, who will push me ? Who will believe in me? Who is going to convince me that ita all possible? It’s all me? Nobody else can live this life for me, I am my only hope and I have to keep trying no matter how huge the obstacle appears to be. I have to remember that perception is everything and everything is not always as they seem.
I have to believe in me and you have to believe in you. You are the one that’s goping to break your own barriers as soon as you get out of yor head!
Thank you for reading and following me. I really appreciate all of you and I love sharing myself with you.
Live your life out of your head and try to stay grounded.
I read a few years ago that success is finding out who you are, and BEING REALLY GREAT AT THAT! Dont ask me to remember who said it, because I dont, but whoever you are, I salute you.
Success to me lies more in my inner peace than the amount of material things I have accumulated. I’m not saying that I don’t like nice things, of course I do. I am saying that I will determine my success by the level of peace I feel no matter the storm that approaches. I want to be so rooted in peace that even the roughest of storms will not uproot me. That for me is success.
Knowing myself so well that nothing can uproot me, finding my stability in who I am and not who the world thinks I am. Looking for approval from myself rather than external approval, and in that way not being too concerned with the criticism of the world outside of myself. Don’t get me wrong, this is not an arrogant approach, because I value the input of the people that I know have constructive input and are not out to put me in their respective boxes, but if they see a possible problem, they make me aware of it. I value that because those are the people that have my back and help me find solutions as well.
I am still climbing the ladder of success. I am a late bloomer, its been a very recent thing that I have discovered my value and how much I can accomplish if I just allowed myself to be who I am and stopped looking around for approval. I have to let you know though, that this journey is not for the faint hearted and it is more difficult than it sounds, to stick to the plan and to believe in your purpose and just go for it. There will always be obstacles in the form of people or finances that will try and keep you from your vision. It’s important to hold on tight and continue even when you feel like giving up. It takes momentum to reach your destination and you cannot create momentum standing still and not even trying. You have to keep pushing up that hill because there is a reward once you reach the top, once that ball starts rolling on its own, and you can watch it pick up speed knowing that it was your hard work and dedication that allowed that to happen.
I wish success was easy, but it’s not. Even when it looks easy, it”s still not. It is hard work getting there, and once you are there the responsibilities are even greater. With great success comes great responsibility (Who was it that said that? I’m so bad at remembering who said all these wise things).
Sometimes I wish that everything would just happen NOW! Then I remind myself of the responsibility that comes with everything that I am working towards and I realise that there is no rush, its OK to build on myself and learn more so that when the time comes I will be armed and ready for what I have to carry.
Live your live aiming for the success that you are looking for.
It’s amazing how when we have joy everything seems to fall into place and when we have sadness everything seems to fall to pieces. Yet there is always that point of change when sadness lifts and joy finds it way back into our hearts. Sometimes it’ s a quick process but depending on the depth of the sadness it may take years again to find your joy. Apparently “joy comes in the morning” because the morning is a new day, a new beginning a time to start afresh, and your “morning” could happen at any time in your life. you can start afresh right now, in the afternoon or even at night. your fresh start , your new beginning is when you decide to lift the past , release the sadness and allow joy into your heart again.
It sounds like what I’m saying is be happy… No. real joy is eternal, happiness is an emotion, a feeling, one that can leave as quickly as it came, but joy sits right in there with peace and love. It’s a root, a source. Part of the foundation you need to have before you begin to build. If you build your life without joy then how will you smile on the inside, how will you trust on the inside, how will you let go of the past? Joy definitely does come in the morning because every morning I wake up is a new day, a day for me to look at my life and say ‘this has been one hell of a ride”, through all these crazy ups and downs , the grin on my face is joy, because I’m here, and I’m happy. I made it through EVERYTHING. I didnt die, not spiritually, not emotionally and certainly not physically. I’m still here doing what I was born to do, creating what I am here to create with a heart filled with love for my life, peace in my heart and joy in my spirit.
Sometimes the universe tries to whisper things to you about who you are and you hear it, but sometimes you don’t and you need to bump your head really hard before you pay attention. This was me, God needed me to bump my head really hard for me to learn this lesson and to have this feeling. The spirit of my creator has always been in my heart, even through the rough times. I know because I felt comfort when I was alone and I managed to make it this far. Who knows what the future actually holds, I certainly do not. Yet I Plan for it like I do. If there is anything that I have learned is that the journey does not always go the way you planned it, but as long as you have a destination and a plan, as long as you have movement and good intentions then no matter how bumpy the ride may be, you are learning and growing and finding yourself along the way. Eventually you will get to where you are MEANT to be.
I believe that we create as we move and we make what we believe into our reality. The whole idea of manifesting in our external world what we feel and believe internally has been proven to be true. Proven by me, to me and for me. I know that if I am dark inside, my world outside is darkness and if I find light inside, my world outside is full of light. I also know that no matter how dark one may be internally, light can always be found, because as long as there is breath in your body then there is light in your soul, you just have to find it, it’s in there and it will only come out if you search for it.
Joy definately comes in the morning and as I look to the sunrise I see a new day, a new promise and a fresh start. In order to find your joy, you have to look for it, but before you look for it you first have to want it and then you will do everything in your power to find it.
The last few weeks have been a little touch and go for me, in the sense that everything I have set my heart on seems so much harder than the other stuff. I sometimes wonder why the things worth having and doing take so much more effort than the easy way out.
I have been feeling somewhat despondent about my goals, but I know that its just a dip in energy and I need to take the time to center myself again and I will be back on track. Yesterday a friend voicenoted me and checked on my dancing… (I haven’t danced in 2 weeks). The fact that I felt guilty, knowing that I have made goals and JUST BECAUSE IT’S BEEN CHALLENGING DOESN’T MEAN I GET TO GIVE UP. Which is kinda what I did for a minute, I just gave up. But after hearing her voice reminding me of who I am and what I am and where I’m going has given me a little push in the right direction, so today I dance because I love to dance and the only way to beat this slump I’m in is to get on my feet and dance.
I’ve also fallen off the healthy eating band wagon for 3 weeks now, carbs, cake .. all my guilty pleasures in life that I know I fall into when I’m a bit troubled. So yes I felt despondent and I stopped doing everything that is good for me. I’m human and I’m allowed to have some time to be a failure. Today another friend asks about my eating and my exercise… What is this lol check up on Tammy week? Clearly the world needs me back on my balanced feet and doing what I do because it won’t leave me to dwell in darkness for too long. So I have to go grocery shopping and chuck out all the biscuits … fun times ahead. I also have to get my exercise on again beacause as he clearly stated , all he was hearing were excuses… caught in my own little circle of excuses. So I acknowledge this and I will change my behaviour. One step at a time.
I think that I am still exactly where I need to be, because if it wasnt for my moments of weakness, I wouldnt take the time to re-asses my challenges and I would just blindly march on, this way I get to see how negatively these bad choices affect my mind and my body and it gives me strength to pick myself up and move forward.
I have very few people in my life that take the time to check up on me for real, but I’m blessed for those that do because without them my life will be such a bore. I know that they love me enough to tell me what I need to hear. I look at my small circle of friends and I truly am blessed at the positive changes I’ve made in my life. I’m also grateful for this negative patch that I have just gone through, it has opened my eyes to many things and I am now able to adress them and grow.
I am so thankful for everyone in my life and every relationship I have where there is a mutual love and understanding. My circle is a genuine one and the people I have surrounding me are full of the positive energy and upliftment that I need right now. I love you guys, ALL OF YOU.
Thank you for following my posts, I look forward to hearing from you and sharing more with you.
Live your life surrounded by positive light and love.
Love is everything that is good around you. Love is all the kindness shown to you by every living being. Love is that stranger opening a door when they absolutely didnt have to. It’s that little child that doesnt even know you but gives you the biggest sweetest smile ever. Love is the beauty of the world we have been blessed with; the trees, the seas, the birds and the bees, it’s in the air that we breathe and the songs that we sing. Love is in every kiss on the forhead, or on the cheek or on the lips. It’s in every drop of rain that falls from the clouds to nourish the earth. It’s in the eyes of your children as they watch your every move, and in the hands of your mother as she cooks your food! It’s in the actions of a friend, who sees you for you and values you for you and it’s in the hands of your father as he labours everyday to uplift his family in all that he does. It’s in the art that we create in any of its forms. It’s in the way a soul carries itself through the world and shares itself with everything it touches and when we close our eyes it’s in the pictures in our minds that always bring a smile to our lips every single time!
I’m not saying that its perfect, because sometimes love is painful and hurts us when lose it, but it’s in the pain of the loss, that we feel the intensity of the love our hearts have felt. I’m not saying that its easy, because sometimes it takes a lot of work and patience to truly love, to truly and unconditionally express love, it takes commitment, blood, sweat and so many tears. I’m not even saying that sometimes love can be more painful than hate, because who we love and what we love can sometimes be harmful to us and we have to learn to let it go when it hurts us but try not to fall into hate because love is alwasy the answer. you dont have to be in a persons space to show them love, it can be shown from a distance. Sometimes tough love is what is needed, but I think this is even more painful for the the person on the giving end because we want to take that person in our arms and fix them, but that would hurt them more and sometimes to help someone we have to push them towards helping themselves first.
Love is a tricky thing, it can bring so much joy and so much pain, but in the end I believe that this is what we are made of. The core of our existence and every living thing is made of love it is our natural instinct to love first and all the rest is learnt from pain and suffering, sometimes even survival. But in the beginning , at the core of everything and everyone, is love.
Live a life full of love and everything will flow from there.
Have you ever just had the feeling of nothingness, when your focus is faded into the distance and you are in a place of complete, well, nothingness. When you look at everything and see how no matter how hard you try it just gets harder and harder. Then you see how relief seemed to be reachable at one point but now it’s drifted off into the distance and disappeared from sight.
Now you have this life that must go on and these people that still rely on you and bills that must still be paid. You are just lost in the midst of this dream you have of floating away into the sunset and not having any of these responsibilities. A dream of freedom from this chaos that the world requires us to live in, where people are actually free, to go where they want, be who they want and live how they want without the harsh judgments that get passed onto them if they choose not to conform to the norms and standards of other people.
Where borders don’t separate us and money doesn’t dictate to us who belongs where, and how we see each other becomes a human thing, not a status driven vision. So we can have a clear vision through our spiritual eyes and not only look through our physical eyes where we see the souls of each other instead of outside appearances; we make choices based on who we are, not what we look like, because the world is full of so much body shaming and negativity even though we are not our bodies.
Sometimes my soul takes me out of this place that my body is stuck in and moves me to a place of peace and love, where dreams are a reality and I can see the world through spiritual eyes not physical ones where colours are different and feelings are a language spoken through the beauty of nature given to us by mother earth. Where energies flow through everything and the world is connected through life and nothing is discriminated against, nothing is compared and everything JUST IS.
Live your life, but take the time to see more than what the physical eye can see.
What goes up must come down because, well, gravity. Also because Newtons 3rd law says every action has an equal an opposite reaction. Can this concept possibly apply to life as well? Do our highs and our lows balance each other out? So when you experience a really high high, then at some point you can expect a really low low? Right? When you are head over heels in the clouds of happiness, is there always that rainy day that will bring us right back to the ground and remind us that nothing is forever? Do we have to fall in order to feel?
This year has been truly mind blowing for me, in both the highs and the lows. I have been floating on clouds and also felt gut wrenching emotional pain. I’ve learnt that I have SO MANY people that I have just met that will move heaven and earth for me and in the same breath people that I thought would move heaven and earth for me that have been in my life forever really just wont even lift a finger anymore… As you grow into yourself it appears that people grow out of you. I guess the important part is that you keep your head held high through the pain and disappointment and that you don’t jeopardize yourself because of the choices other people have made.
I really do believe that people will always do whats best for themselves in the long run and the ones who feel that considering you is best for them, those are the ones to keep close to your heart. Once you find love and respect for yourself its very difficult to overlook people who lack love and respect for you, but its also very important to remember that you should always treat others like how you would like to be treated because nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes every once in a while.
When you are on a really high high and you are not expecting to be kicked in the gut by people that you love, it can actually destroy you if you don’t actively have ways to protect yourself from the energy that these kinds of experiences can take from you. I find that when I have these moments I have to take time , a day, to reflect, assess and process what I need to change in order to move past what is hurting me. I generally write my feelings down and then read through them and once I fully release the negative emotions that have been created inside of me, I then write down what I need to change in order to move forward. Taking into consideration every aspect of my situation. Its easy to run away from a low emotion and pretend everything is OK, this doesn’t work for me, I find that bottling up emotions just creates a bigger explosion later on when I can avoid it by processing each incident as it comes.
In the end I’m grateful for every positive experience I get to have in my lifetime and I appreciate every negative encounter as well, because without the negatives I never truly would be able to appreciate the positives that I have had the privilege of experiencing. To every person who shines light into my life , who loves me, supports me and considers me, I am truly blessed to have you. To every person who contributes negatively to my life and takes from me but never gives, who expects from me but never assists me, I am grateful for you as well, because I will continue being myself and learning how to properly balance myself even while you create challenges. And even though sometimes your actions may make me cry, that’ s OK too because in my tears I find strength and healing and there is always joy in my morning. No matter what you do to create chaos, the sun will rise and I will heal with every morning I am blessed with, I will ALWAYS have the strength to overcome ANYTHING that gets thrown my way.
So even though what goes up must come down, its not how many times I fall that counts its how many times I find the strength and courage to get up again and throw myself right back up there where happiness and joy lives, and even though it wont last forever, its those moments of bliss that will get me through anything else that life throws my way.
I look forward everything that life has to offer, after all, this is the only one I have, so I might as well enjoy every moment that allows me enjoyment and when I have to endure low moments that’s OK too because nothing lasts forever and that too shall pass.
It’s so fascinating to me how the universe aligns you with EXACTLY what you need when you need it. You learn about the laws of attraction, in so many different books and as you read them sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it feels like that is just for other people and doesn’t apply to REAL life.
I started planting seeds of positivity in myself about 14 years ago, and a lot of the time the books I read didn’t blow me away with the information they gave me. Some of them helped in my healing process when I ACTUALLY did the exercises they had in them and others planted seeds that I would only use now with a greater understanding of the concepts fed to me back then.
The power of positive thinking can seem silly to most. It sure seemed silly to me most of the time, but I did it anyway, I changed the dialogues I had within myself and forced myself to catch the negative things I would say and change them there and then, until they went away… Did they go away? Yes, they really did. I’m not mean to myself like I used to be, in fact I actually say really nice things to Tammy nowadays. Changing my internal dialogue has been one of the most rewarding exercises that I continue to practice to this day. Because once you change your thoughts into positive ones and then you actually start believing in yourself, and as a result you make the changes that are NECESSARY to improve your life. You make those difficult decisions that create a sense of fear inside of you and you do what’s best for you even though you feel that fear. It’s like a domino effect, once you start one exercise everything else begins to fall into place. Choices change, lifestyles change, friends change, circles change and jobs change. You become a truer version of yourself with each passing day or at least I do.
I find that sometimes I slip into a negative mode for a moment and in that space someone comes along really quickly and just in time and nudges me in the right direction, with the simplest of gestures, without even realising that they are helping me to find my positive space again. People that cross my path now are people that add value to my life. I am not selecting them, it’s a mutual crossing of like-minded people or people on the same level of energy vibrations that are drawn to each other. I look around me and I see so much change, so many new faces, so many old faces and so much light in my life.
Whoever said that it would be easy to make these changes lied. Because it’s HARD work and endless hours of doing things that sometimes even make you feel silly. But in the end the result is always growth. Learning new ways to be, new ways to see, new ways to live and new ways to grow is so vital to personal mastery. Practice is key, we can’t learn something and not practice it and then expect to master it! Personal mastery takes work and effort and if you look around you, and you see positive vibrations all around you like I do, then you know that all the blood sweat and tears have been worth it and that the big man upstairs is smiling at your progress pushing you along to be the creator that HE CREATED YOU TO BE.
GOD is in all of us, we need to remember that. We are not useless, we are not hopeless, in fact we are made in the image of our creator and we are born to be great, if only we took the time to tap into our capabilities as beings we would all learn to fly (not literally) because we are runners and dont have wings , but we can create them, build them and improvise! We are all born creators. Do the work and find your gift and start creating!
Look around you, what do you see? Don’t like it? Change it! Find yourself and run as fast as you can with all of your being and be the greatest at being you. But don’t forget that the people you meet along the way are there to grow you, teach you, love you and unplift you, so take care that you are kind and loving as well. Arrogance will get you nowhere and people will be scarce as a result. Always be grateful and humble.
Remember to whom much is given , much is required.
Live your life with humility, because we are all fighting our own struggle.
Everything in nature seems to have a cycle. We are born, we live and we die. The sun rises and it moves across the sky (or appears to because the sun doesnt actually move) and then it sets in all of its beauty and wonder. Plants have their own cycles too, each one unique to the individual plant. It’s beautiful to watch, this thing called life in all of its forms. Sometimes when we are really in tune with life we get to notice the little things that will take our breath away every single time!
I noticed though that it’s only us humans that within our cycle of life we create circles of destruction that not only affects us, but the entire planet as well. I see this within my own life as well as many others. We react to a scenario whether negative or positive, and then we base everything around that one thing, that one thought, and for years we have the same scenario playing out repeatedly because we do not see the circle that we have placed ourselves into. Facebook memories shows me every year on that day what I posted every year on that date for as far back as when I first started posting on facebook. I found that everything I did had a time and a path, I would want to lose weight every year around about the same time, I would feel the need for changes more or less the same time, I would date the same kind of man repeatedly not growing from previous experiences. I literally went in circles for about 10 years making the same mistakes in different forms and not learning from them, thus making them repeatedly without even realising it and spinning in circles not moving forward nor backwards.
Change came only when I realised that I was not moving in any direction, it came when I was willing to make the tough choices that made me uncomfortable; when I left the job that held me hostage, when I started the blog that I was afraid to start, when I stood up for myself instead of just pretending it was ok, and when I took time off from dating to assess why I was making these choices and what I needed to heal in myself before dating again. Change came when I started listening not only to what others had to say but also to what I felt inside, it came when I began to prioritise myself and look into who I am not who they want me to be. Change only came when I changed … and the circle was finally broken and instead of trying to lose weight for a month and then again in 6 months, I have made consistency a priority and therefore changing my eating as a whole and making it a lifestyle choice instead of a short term diet. It came when I overcame my fears and travelled even though it was out of my comfort zone. It came when I took a dance class, and made the difficult adjustments to improve my lifestyle.
Your life cycle does not have to be a circle of repetitive mistakes, you do not have to spin out of control. If you take the time to catch yourself no matter how fast you are spinning, to stop yourself from getting dizzy with the noise and fear and confusion that life throws at you. It can be a cycle of truth and love and challenges, and not a life spinning out of control because you didnt take the time to STOP, and ASSESS. and BE QUIET enough to listen to your heart and to live your life with eyes wide open instead of sleepwalking through a circle of dizzyspells.
Make your life one that counts, one that leaves behind a better path for your loved ones, one that creates a legacy in your name and when people speak of you, there are smiles on their faces when they remember the person you once were. Make your life the best one that you can have, and don’t accept the scraps that the world wants you to believe is all that you are worth, because you ARE worth EVERYTHING your heart desires and you can HAVE EVERYTHING your heart desires, if you only take the time to stop, and listen to your inner voice that whispers and guides you through everyday. Take the time to DECIDE who you WANT to be and then work every day to become that person. It’s not and easy process, it’s tiring and its overwhelming at times, but everytime you reach a milestone, EVERY SINGLE TIME you achieve a goal, no matter how small, the reward is so great and the feeling of accomplishment is so beautiful and you realise that one step at a time you CAN bring everything your heart desires and one day at a time you can build the life that you wish to have.
Dont listen to the noise, move away from the negativity, focus on your self and your goals and always be kind even when you dont want to, always be grateful even for the negative experiences, because from them you will grow. Always learn the lesson so that you dont have to repeat the test, because life WILL keep giving the same test repeatedly until you learn to master the skills needed in order to pass the test and move to the next phase of your life. It may not get easier, but it will get better and with every accomplishment will come great reward, and with great reward will come great responsibility, because that i the cycle of prosperity and that’s the cycle you want to find yourself living.
Live your life in a cycle of growth of self and not in a circle of repeated mistakes and self destruction.
Thank you so much for the support and the love! i feel it , I embrace it and I am so grateful.
I have been blessed with the most amazing sunrise to welcome me to life every morning. It has become an inspiration for me to have my early start even though the winter chill tries to keep me all tucked in the warmth of my bed. It’s been a fight, I can tell you that, but whenever I do pull myself out of the warmth to experience the sunrise I am blown away every single time!
There are so many beautiful parts of our day that we can focus on to improve our mindset, and there are so many breathtaking opportunities to savour in nature that if we just quietened the noise of the world and for a moment stopped to breath in the fresh air, or admire the sunrise, watch a child in pure bliss playing in the distance, walk barefoot on the grass, put your feet in the water when you are at the beach or the lake, make a snowman when it snows and even dance in the rain every now and again! Why do we wait for our lives to be where we percieve it to be in a good place before we can enjoy anything? This morning it was a menstrual cramp that woke me up earlier than usual, yes I said it… it happens… lets not be weirded out by this. Instead of complaining, I got my butt out of bed, soaked it in a hot bath to sooth my cramping, had a small bite, took a pain tablet and then sipped my coffee as I watched the sunrise.
Have I lost my mind? NO, what I’ve lost is the need to mope about over something I cannot change, to change what I can and to enjoy the blessing I was given in the process. Yes its Monday, but why are we fighting with this poor day again, It’s my choice to get up and earn a living so that I can live the life I want to live, it’s my choice to get out of bed every morning, so if Saturday is more enticing than Monday, then you seriously need to have a look at the career choices that you have made and try to get your life in alignment with what makes you happy.
I’ll be honest, I can’t wait for the day to be free of a 9 to 5 day job, and to be able to earn a living doing what I love, writing, talking, helping and inspiring. Does my 9 to 5 stop me from doing what I love? Hell to the no, I write in the morning as I watch the sunrise before I head off to the office, I try to inspire as many people in a day as I can in every day life situations, I talk non stop when given the opportunity; about my passion, about life, love and all things growth (spiritual & emotional) related, balance related, and making positive changes. I’m never going to stop being who I am and doing what I love because I have bills! What I will do though, is work my butt of to move closer to not having to work a regular 9 to 5 so that my day job CAN be my passion.
I have found my love for dance again, I try to dance everyday now, not because I have to, but because I want to! I used to do Ballet, I stopped when I was 17 because I lost my love for it and moved onto other things, also my teacher moved over the sea and by the time I was 17 my head was pretty messed up enough to not be passionate about about much. I found a love for dance again, but not ballet, more Salsa /Bachata/Kizomba vibes for now. I’ve been teaching myself Spanish for the past year and a half now! Why? Because if I’m going to listen to Latino music most of the time, I have to learn the language. Do you know how excited I get when I understand a full sentence in a song? It’s like Christmas for me… The reward of all the hard work I put in is that moment where you ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND SOMETHING! I may not be great right now, at the language or the dance, but I will some day because I found something in this lifestyle that lights up all sorts of amazing feelings, experiences and passion in me that I had lost along the way. Yes I may still tramp a toe or 2, but it wont be forever!
Nothing worth having in life comes easily. You have to do the work to reap the rewards. You have to work hard to create a momentum of freeflowing movement, you first have to push really hard before you can watch the ball roll. I’m pushing! I’m pushing and nobody can stop me because when you are hungry for life, then the world is at your fingertips and the love of it in its entirety will envelope you in its beauty until you become one and you learn to be in harmony with everything that surrounds you.
Just a quick note to myself and whoever needs to hear this…
If you stay true to who you are inside you will always win, if you always doubt yourself, you allow weakness to creep in and give negativity a gap to take over.
Other people are always acting in their own best interest, even if they dont think they are, its human nature, just like how you are always acting in your own best interest.
Don’t do anything without putting your heart into it first, because if you do something half heartedly whats the point?
When you love someone, love them unconditionally without any expectations in return. True love expects nothing but gives with all its might. You learn this when you become a parent. You love your little one unconditionally and you will give them everything no matter the cost. This is true love, this is how you love in all areas, if love is what you feel. Not many people will have this capability, but thats ok too because they too will be loved unconditionally and without expectation, because if you love and expect something in return, then your love is a self serving one and only meant for your benefit.
Nobody is more important or less important than you are, not the millionare and not the beggar, you will all die just the same even though you live very differently. RESPECT EVERYONE!
You are worth every effort you put into yourself, dont give up. Believe in your dreams and spend time working on them every single day.
Inspiration doesn’t come from a single place. It’s a collective of things and experiences that occur over a period of time. After a series of pictures and words, there is that one moment of… ‘I can do this’ that sparks a flame inside of your soul and only you can hold you back from leaping into the joy that it creates inside your heart and the picture that it creates inside your mind.
Once upon a time I had a picture in my mind; it was created by the things that I’ve seen and the things that I’ve experienced. One day the picture in my mind that I held onto became a reality and I wondered to myself ‘how did I get here?’ It was a dark picture of pain and suffering, but something inside of me knew that I was more than this pain and I was better than these choices. It came in the form of people telling me how creative I was, how talented I was and in things that I would see randomly in the form of videos or even in books. People saw things in me that I could not see in myself; I was regularly told that I was full of potential. As the years went by, I had overlooked all the seeds that were planted in my mind, because I didn’t really believe I was any of those things. Not deep down in my core. It took a wakeup call of near death to show me that I am full of so much more than darkness. It took years of little signs and signals to remind me that I was made for more. Once I realised that I am more than this dark space, the seeds of light that had been planted in me began to grow, they began to surface. I took the time to find love for myself, to forgive myself and to heal myself through books and through research and going through the process of acknowledging EVERYTHING that I am and accepting it. Layer after layer I peel information about myself out of my brain and process it for what it is.
I meet people every day that inspire me to be better. I see love every day that inspires me to love more. I see joy every day that inspires me to be joyful. The more I live my life to its full capacity and potential the more I grow within myself and the more I grow within myself the more I see the potential in everything and everyone around me. How nothing is by chance, how broken watches and cracked sunglasses all happen for a reason. I may not have a full understanding of the reason, but I acknowledge it for what it is; a sign , a signal and a part of my process.
My eyes were closed to the reality of my choices. Once I opened them and took a close look at the choices I had made and chose differently, my world opened up before me and created a new reality one that I could have never even imagined. But now I do, now I see, now I dream, because now I know that the true potential in me has always been there and it’s up to me to unlock every corner of my ability. Nobody else can do that for me. It’s in everything I say and everything I do. Every choice I make and every step I CHOOSE to take.
When I look around I see the beauty of all my answers at my fingertips. They are everywhere all the time. All I have to do is surrender myself to the possibilities and close my eyes and let myself fall into myself.
Live your life with open eyes, not your physical eyes but your spiritual eyes.
I wrote this because it is the essence of how I felt with regards to many situations in my life. My relationship with my parents, my relationship with my brother, with myself, with work and with love… I had always felt trapped because of the sensitivity and harshness of my life and not wanting to be a dissapointment to anyone. Recently I realised that it had nothing to do with them at all and it was all about me not dissapointing myself, and my expectations of the relationships I longed for required me to stay in a proverbial box out of fear of losing the picture of perfection in my head. Which I didnt get to have anyway… so this is my story… this is my song.
All my life I’ve tried to hide myself from you, and in the process I’ve hidden myself from me. Do you know how I’ve longed to be free and just trust that you would love me anyway?
But I knew that no matter which way I looked at it, I would never be what you were looking for, because I’m broken and because I don’t live by your rules.
I always looked for your approval and I never really got what I was looking for, I looked for that person you wanted me to be and I tried, I really tried, but I just couldnt find her. She doesnt exist , you see. She’s a fictional character that you have created in your mind on who YOU NEED ME TO BE, but that is not me , I am not her.
And so I hid myself in the shadows, hoping you would not see that I was not her and she was not me. That what you thought was true simply was what you CHOSE to see.
The me I really am is so afraid to come out, because what will you do when you see who she truly is, what she truly believes, and where she truly flies.
You like me in this box that you have put yourself into, but its cramped in here now and I cant seem to fit anymore, every time I step out you pull your love back just enough to make me feel the pain of your absence to want to get back in.
Your love is all I’ve ever known and all I’ve ever really looked for, but now that I am grown into my own can’t you see its hurting me to stay in your little box that has kept me warm for so many years of my life.
Don’t you want to know the real potential in me and not just what you wish to see, if you let me go I promise to always be true to me and let the things inside my heart set my spirit free.
You hold so tightly onto this dream you wish to see, but can’t you tell there’s so much more in life than what YOU see. My wrists are full of bruises, your grip is way too tight. I need for you to let me go and just trust in my light. I cant promise you that I’ll be perfect, like how you like me to be, I can’t promise that I’ll fullfill all you hope for me.
I can tell you though that I will give it all I’ve got, if you can just let me go and if you can just love me unconconditionally and absolutely … No matter what.
I think amidst all the hype what I found to be most rewarding were the friendships created! The time day 3 arrived for me it was already time for my roomies to leave because they had been there for the full 2 weeks and my first goodbye to Mirta over drinks at Havanna cocktail bar was the start of my day. If I may note that it is 4pm and my day was just starting. The plan was to do one last round of Amarin after my goodbyes to Mirta. But there I was scrolling through facebook, and I see that there are tickets to go on the Bachata boat party… I had not been on a boat party as yet, because when you make last minute trips everything is sold out by the time you want to get them. I was so 2 minded , do I, dont I? So when Pat arrived to go to Amarin I let her know what my dilemma was. As always Pat was a YES girl and said “Go for it!”. But her and Gen were still doing Amarin. Or so they thought because once I got my tickets I saw them running towards me with a changed mind! YES! The girls were in it to win it!! Spontaneous parties are always the best ever!
I’m going to say that the Bachata Boat party with DJ Julian Mr M and DJ Latin Master was of epic proportions! The energy on this Boat was up in the sky! We had our South African squad, doing it the South African way! We are not a quiet bunch, that’s all I have to say! When the DJ said everyone can jump off the boat now I was like, wait… what? No freekin way! Then everyone jumps in the water, including Genevieve. Uh… I’m good thanks, we have sharks where I come from… staying on the boat especially when Julian said there are Jellyfish on the other side of the boat… Nope, not happening. Happy to watch! Happy to dance and soak in the energy. My energy tanks were so filled after that party! Positive absorption for days! It was such a vibe! Next year I’m on that boat, that’s a promise!
Dinner vibes after the boat party were just as lit, I mean when you are surrounded by amazing people ALL THE TIME you cannot avoid having the time of your life… Dinner with friends as the sun sets after the most epic boat party ever… we brought all that energy with us.
Saturday night celebration party! I have to say that the guys on this particular evening were looking VERY JUICY all cleaned up and dressed in their smarts. I mean, it was eye candy for days… what? Looking is for free, I was very well behaved on this trip! I managed to escape the pull of temptation and just dance my way through! The shows were off the chain, and before I knew it, I had to say goodbye to my roomie Prideel. Left to myself in the apartment … mmm whatever will I do?? Hahahah just kidding… I slept, that’s what I did for half of Sunday because I needed rest before the mother of all pool parties were to happen. By now I had officially gate-crashed Gen & Pats duo, it was now a trio, but then there were the boys, and we had evolved into what became theee best squad we could have ever put together. Not by choice, not by chance, but by the sheer pull of amazing souls toward each other!
I’m going to rave about this pool party, because it deserves every second of me raving! I was not ready! I was dancing in the pool, out the pool, I’ve definitely found a happy place in Bachata, I know Robert is going to give me a hard time for saying this… But even though I can’ t really dance it properly YET, I have found a happy place in it… I blame Angelica, hahaha she did this to me and grew a little something in my heart in London. I love her for it though… Again the Dj’s on the bachata/Kizomba floor were off the freakin chain! Everyone who knows me knows I hardly ever let my hair down , and not for long periods of time… These guys had me jumping up and down, shaking things that haven’t been shook in a while and did I mention by the end of the pool party, my voice was gone. Poof … no more voice. I was a kid again, free of all the stresses of life, this is what its meant to be like, this is what freedom feels like! My love for this day cannot be explained. I loved it so much that when it was over I went to sleep. It was midnight though, but there was no room left for more… I literally crashed, for a solid 8 hours and then some. It was a good thing too because Gen & Pat had more boat party ideas!
So the guys had bought tickets for the sensual mix boat, and we were winging it AGAIN because we had no tickets for this boat. The struggle was real, but fingers crossed we could get tickets … and we did. It’s very unlike me to behave like this, I’m usually very prepared and together, but it was so much fun winging this holiday and just hoping for the best. Ah Sam was on this boat with us! Yay more friends. I felt like we had our very own private party because our squad found a corner and we stayed there causing all sorts of havoc! This time I jumped off the boat!! It was such a freeing experience to just do it without thinking too much. It was easy when every single person from your squad was shouting jump, jump , jump. Talk about peer pressure. But I am no party pooper and so I jumped in the fire with everyone else .. oops did I say fire… I meant water (hehehe).
Our last night in Croatia and we had to have one more dinner to remember, at the Mexican restuarant (cannot remember the name). Dinner and dancing (well my friends were dancing, I just watched). I was honestly done. Tired was not the word to describe me. I was happy to laugh and eat and just soak in the final moments of these amazing people that I met and the ones that I already knew. We brought our A game to dinner though… we were the vibe that night at the restuarant! Thank goodness I had packed already before the boat and I didn’t have much left to do.
My last night, I danced once. The rest of my evening was a night of photos and bonding with Jean. I’m so glad I got to spend a decent amount of time with her before I left. What a lovely human being she is and I am so blessed to have her in my life. Some last minute retail therapy, to heal our tired souls. Some last minute photo sessions. Lots of squeezes and finally it was over. I chose to spend my last moments in the bachata room because I knew that DJ Julian Mr M would be bringing the house down until the last second (I have proof) and because all my friends were there (hahaha)! Lights on, music off. Everything was over, I had a ferry to catch but not before I got to say goodbye to all my favourite people… sadness filled some eyes, I saw a tear or 2, but there was nothing but love that filled the air as everyone made their way out of the Adris Tobacco factory, feeling a mixture of emotions in disbelief that it was actually over!
It has to have been one of the most eye opening experiences I have had in my life. Where I experienced so much love in so many different forms with so many different people who all had one goal in common… to dance. I made new friends that I will always cherish, I got to see old friends (not so old, but not new anymore). What I realised is that THIS IS LIFE. It is the very moment you are in right now. It is not only when you do something amazing that you are living, but EVERY SINGLE MOMENT. As I write this I LIVE. As I remember these moments I LIVE. I live as brightly NOW as I did while I lived all these moments.
My wish for you is to not let your NOW pass you by, because your NOW is your life. If you dont like where you are now, then work towards making the changes you need to make. 2 years ago my now was not what I wanted and I took the time to make the changes. Every day I see the rewards of all the hard work I have been putting into my changes and my now. Make your now the one you always dream of living.
Live your life NOW, dont wait for later because it may never come.
Can we begin by acknowledging the perfect weather in Rovinj, 33 degrees, but I wasn’t uncomfortable at all , it wasn’t a dry heat and it wasn’t humid like back home. A perfect day for a pool/beach party! But first we need to find some food and the we are off to OLU OLU’s COFFEE LOUNGE to meet the legends of the New Swing Sextet!
This coffee lounge was a little different to the one we had in South Africa, I was pleasantly surprised at the changes Olu has made to his setup. We had snacks, and some tea/coffee/juice/water but I was more focused on the sangria that was calling my name… yeah baby! To my surprise Robert White from Mambo city walked in the door! I got a little excited because I thought Jean would follow but my dear friend had decided the Vineyard party was where she needed to be! It was so great to see Robert! Such a gentleman, so much fun to be around!
So as my roomies (Prideel & Mirta) and I sipped on sangria and mingled with everyone around us it was interesting to see how busy the coffee lounge was! I loved that people were genuinely interested in having a conversation and that they too were as curious as I was to absorb as much information as I possibly could when it was offered to me! I have to say that these guys were hilarious, they were charming, excited, warm and so very open to discuss every question thrown at them. I was pleasantly surprised by the discussions and will definitely continue to support OLU in his Coffee lounge adventures! But now its time to party, and off to Amarin beach party we go!
But first I need cash, because everything is about cash at this festival so far, so Gen, Pat, Robert and I go ATM hunting on our way to the ferry so I can actually pay for my ferry! It was the easiest thing to do because apparently there is an ATM on practically every corner in this little city of Rovinj. At the dock is where the rest of the squad (that I was yet to meet) waited, from second 1, these guys were the friendliest , happiest bunch I could have ever met! Remember I’m still soaking in all this new information, the beauty of EVERYTHING still has me in total awe! The ferry ride was an experience on its own , we met so many people on that ferry, made so many new friends! It just made the beach party even more of an epic experience! Julian Mr M was on the decks! that meant that the party was LIT because this guy knows how to entertain the shyt outta anyone! Before you know it you are all up in the animations doing things you never thought you would do in a million years! But first before we hit the dance floor, tequila sunrise with the crew and some shots, because we are going to need it once we get to the dance floor!
The party was so off the chain that I didn’t get any pictures! In fact my phone stayed in my bag! I was dancing in the pool, next to the pool and at the beach, too much fun was being had to remember photos! Time flew by and before we knew it the last ferry was there to drag us away into the sunset! But all was not lost because we still had some time to relax at Mulini beach for a little while before darkness settled in! That exactly what I did, relax for a while because I knew that this was my only downtime before the party that evening!
I was excited for the evening, because it was my first energetic night of dancing! I had gotten my rest in and I was fully recovered from my very long Journey! I have to admit I had a very interesting evening as I realized that my watching from the sidelines is not going to happen at all. People here ask you to dance! All the time! Everyone who’s everyone is here, the dance party of a lifetime! I blinked and the sun was coming up! Wait… no this cant be I just got here, it couldn’t be time to leave already? But alas, it was and so Prideel and I with heavy hearts left for home, but first a chat on a bench by the water, because who can resist the view of a lifetime every chance you get. But sleep was needed because the best was yet to come!
I slept in because I’m not a young person anymore and I had to pace myself. My roomies went off to Amarin without me as I decided I needed to take my time and have some me time. It was Friday afternoon and I knew that the weekend will be a crazy one. I’m glad I took my time tho because I got to have an awesome chat with my new friend Jo on the ferry across! Again I didn’t take pictures, it was like as soon as my feet hit Amarin beach my phone was forgotten!
OK, so there was a massive party in the main square Friday night and I was not missing it for anything, the shows were spectacular, the band was wow! I’m surrounded by positive energy exploding at every angle! I found Jean and Robert and had an amazing time with them watching the shows! Look I have to say the preparation put into this event was on point! The organizers have got their game sorted because if there were any hiccups I certainly did not notice them, everything ran smoothly and I didn’t encounter any negativity at all. The shows were so well organised for such a huge event! The energy of the artists were contagious!!! Friday night main square concert night… One of my first ABSOLUTE highs of the trip so far. I say absolute high because EVERYTHING was a high at this point but this peaked higher than expected and up until this point was the highlight of my time in Rovinj!
I partied until the sun came up yet again, pizza and beer with Ben at sunrise and then I crashed, but first … a selfie, because who knew I could still be in one piece at this hour after a full night of dancing!
I’m so blessed to have all of you in my life and I’m truly grateful for your support! My CSSF adventure part 3 to follow, boat parties and pool parties and loads of epic stories!!
Live your life full of adventure and travel as much as you can.
It’s time to look back and review all the happenings of my adventures in Croatia. First I’m going to say, “I was never ready for this experience! It pulled me into its crazy summer energy and then flung me straight into heaven. Don’t believe me? Go and see this for yourself next yearhttps://www.crosalsafestival.com/!! You will not be ready for what you are walking into!
Before I even got off the ferry as we came close I could feel the energy pulling me into its vortex as if there was an invisible rope tied to my body and tugging me closer every time. Before I left South Africa in fact, from the moment I had the thought of possibly going, the pull of this festival had me, every turn I took it was there, every move I made fell straight into my lap, when I had doubt my phone rang and boom it was someone pushing me to make this leap and just do it. So I said ” If I get the visa I’m going” and then 4 days later… BOOM … Visa! WHAAAAAAAT! Accommodation, sorted in a day, flights, tickets, I arrived in Rovinj Croatia sorted, all I needed to do was feed myself and entertain myself!
My first steps on Croatian ground and all I could say was WOW! The beauty of this place drew me in immediately, I had not seen anything like it> It was buzzing literally from all the people who had already been there for a week! Seriously there was a buzz of chitter chatter, it was like I was walking into the craziest Sunday market I’ve ever been to but people were dancing salsa. Did I mention that it was 8.30pm and the sun was shining so bright that it looked like early afternoon. I was given 15 mins to put my bags down freshen up and off to the Beach we went.. at 9pm at night and we were off to the beach in bikinis and towels ready to swim. The sun went down just after 10pm, if heaven had a sunset, it would look like this! The beauty of it was so overwhelming that I sat in awe staring at it amazed that this was happening, emotional that I made it and so grateful that I got to be here and have this experience!
At 11pm we made our way back into the main square towards our apartment. It was a totally different look to the one I was received into , the sun was down, the street lights lit up the city of Rovinj and turned it into a show of lights shining on the ocean water creating a show boasting its beauty all over again in a different light. The buzzing continued, everyone walking by on their very own adventures! Excitement came from all the voices around me and again I took a deep breath and soaked it all in. As we approached the main square we heard salsa playing and people were dancing in the square, it was an open air party, it was spectacular to see! The music changed and the crowd changed their moves to the beat of bachata, connecting so beautifully with their partners. I watched them in awe of how beautiful everyone danced, at how everyone looked like perfection and how they just went with the flow of the rhythm. I watched and wondered to myself if I will ever reach this place of total immersion of myself in the music and if I will ever reach the place of harmony between my soul and the music. because its one thing learning a move but what these people did connected to their souls.
I had to get to the apartment to change for the party, it was my first night, and then my nerves crept in and boom my mindset went from excitement to fear. Being an improver dancer is not something these dancers take lightly. Am I really good enough to do this? What if nobody wants to dance with me … The questions in my mind ran wild. But guess what? This was the most short live moment of insecurity I had had, ever, because it wasn’ t long before I was dancing up a storm and having a blast. In fact it appeared that I was even dancing for 3 or 4 songs with the same person with more than one person … uh this was new … and surprising. I’m definitely not used to this very interesting behavior. Maybe my dancing isn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe I should be listening to my friends more and just going for it because when I actually did that and let my hair down, BOOM all sorts of amazement followed!
I had never seen so many people in one place at the same time having a blast of a time, It was so jam packed that I chose to stand outside because my height allows me to see more than most and fresh air was the name of my game after a 26 hours of travel. My friends were as surprised as I was that I lasted that long! I expected to crash early but FOMO is real I wasnt missing ANYTHING!!!
Seriously though? Am I actually in heaven? Have I died and nobody told me? Thats exactly what it feels like to experience this place called Rovinj, with the dancing family of the world to celebrate the 15th birthday celebration of the Croatian summer salsa festival. It feels like heaven, and this was after only 1 night. Walking home after a night of dancing and meeting new friends, seeing old friends , learning new moves and just having the time of my life, Rovinj threw one more truth bomb at me … the sunrise! WHAT THE … wait really? There’ s more? The sunrise was even more breathtaking than the sunset and I could not even contain myself as I soaked in this memory and imprinted it to my brain so it can stay with me forever!
It was time to rest, to get ready for day 2, and I was just not ready for what was to come! But for now the bakery, a slice of pizza, a beer and sleep.
#CSSF day 1 blew me away, and I am a better person for going and the fun has not even really begun as yet? Little did I know what was still to come!!!
Before I had my daughter, I was definately sleepwalking through life. She woke me up like nobody else could have! I learned very quickly how to put everything in perspective and how important my well being is! If I struggled she struggled, if I cried she felt it, if I was stressed so was she. This really made it NECESSARY for me to learn how to breathe through chaos instead of trying to get everything in the order I needed it to be in.
Children have a way of taking your life and turning it upside down! The funny thing is I prefer my life this way… upside down; it seems to be the better version. Before her , I partied ALOT, I basically worked to party, I made SO MANY bad decisions and passed up SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES. I had blinkers on. I was the victim of my circumstances and I didn even know it. By 26 I had identified that I had to make changes or I’m going to die. I was just always in the wrong places, with the wrong people doing things I really had no business doing.
My life changed for the better when Taelyn came into it. I learned alot about unconditional love, I learned that I was valuable (at least to this little girl) and I learned that I had to pull my life together quickly, so that she didnt have to experience my pain too. Over the last 10 years that’s what I’ve done, pulled my life together one moment at a time, one decision at a time and one step at a time. The greatest lesson that I’ve learned is TO PUT MYSELF FIRST because if I dont have my shit together then neither does she. If I dont have peace then neither does she, and if I cant even love myself then how can I love her properly? So, I do as much as I can to keep my tanks full and when I feel empty I take the time to make the changes needed to refill them, whether it be a holiday or just an hour at the ocean, a visit with friends or for some love and laughter, sometimes a good cry can do the trick too, or a day at the park, or just quiet time reading a good book. If I feel myself off balance I never ignore it because I know it will affect her in the end.
I’ve taught my daughter that its good to take time for yourself, to have moments just for you, to breathe when things get stressful and remember that it will pass. I’m so grateful that I learned to love me first because it has given me the strength to love her wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Parenting is difficult in general, children are going to test you in every way possible, you need to take every opportunity to rest and to refill your energy levels or you will lose and if you lose , they lose.
Parenting 101, make yourself and your needs a priority, because a strong, healthy, happy parent makes a strong, healthy, happy child and a broken down parent cannot create that strong , healthy and happy child.
Live your life filled with all the things you need , because you cannot give what you do not have.
I’ve spent most of my life not liking myself. For many reasons of course … it started when I was a little girl, because when someone older than you tells you that you are bad and thats why bad things are happening to you, you tend to believe them. I was criticised alot by this specific person as I grew and he picked on everything I did whenever I tried to look nice. He told me that I looked cheap when I wore makeup, always pointed out the negatives on me and never had anything positive to say. I felt horrible about myself as a teenager, I was the most awkward teenager you could find. Not only was I awkward , but I was angry and I really disliked what I looked like.
I carried this with me most of my adult life. It’s so sad that I had to because it was such a heavy weight for a young person to carry. I wish I had learned how to set myself free earlier in life, but here I am, finally free.
I’ve learned so much about myself, and as I learn I’m in awe of how mean I had been to me. There is so much good inside of me and I had chosen to completely ignore that and only focus on the bad, for most of my life. Looking back I feel for the young lady I used to be, how she longed for the freedom I now have.
I have finally freed myself of me. My judgements, my expectations, my hateful attitude. I’ve had to forgive myself for all the choices that I had made in the past and accept myself for who I am and embrace everything that I had done in my past for what it truly is… the past, it’s over. I am now free to love myself unconditionally and allow others into my heart without anything holding me back.
My friendships have even changed and become uplifting and supportive, my work is almost in alignment with my wishes, my space has become everything I asked for and I am for the first time in a very long time without any reservations, truly happy.
How do I know this? Well, I feel happy, I feel free, I feel light hearted, I’m smiling for no reason more than usual, and also for so many reasons at the same time. I look at my space and feel blessed. All my frustrations of yesterday have been lifted. All because for the first time in the history of me… I finally accept myself just as I am, with all my quirks, all my mistakes and all my choices, to explain the freedom in this, the freedom in knowing that no matter what anyone says or does to you that you are free of needing their approval. It has to be by far the most lighthearted I have felt to date.
My wish for you is for you to find your light and to forgive yourself for all your mistakes, to look at who you are, who you once were and to accept that person with an unconditional understanding , forgivness and love. Free yourself of your own judgements and just accept who you are because if you dont, then nobody else ever will because if you can’t truly see the ultimate value of you, then how can anyone else appreciate that value? When you can’t even appreciate yourself.
Live your life as a true reflection of who you ACTUALLY ARE, not who you think you should be.
I hope this creates a pattern of thought for you, into how you ACTUALLY feel about who you are.
When you know in your heart that you are on the right path you have to put your trust in the process. Sometimes things will seem nearly impossible, but if you have it in your heart you have to let it out into the world. We are born to create. We are ALL creators in our own form. We create art, music, skill, inventions, food is a creation, we create families, we create from the time we are born till the time we die. Born creators because our creator lives in us, with us and also through us. We are the extention of our maker, the hands we reach out to others are the hands of our maker reaching out to others.
When we use our gifts we use what we have naturally inside of us to build around us a world that we create in our minds, a world full of whatever we see inside our hearts and souls. Look around you? What have you build around you? What does your creation look like? The creation of the space you have filled your life with… Is it filled with love and kindness, with laughter and joy? Does the air that surrounds you fill your life with a sense of peace and accomplishment? Are you doing what you were created to do? Have you created what you were born to create?
It begins with a thought, a concept , a picture that resonates with you. It then should be followed by some sort of action, whether you write it down or speak it into being with words but from your mind it must be created with words in the form of writing or speaking. After which you will have to do the research, find the tools, look for ways to begin a process that may seem far away and maybe even impossible, but you have to trust the process. You have to believe that its possible and you have to make the time to build on your dream every day. Creating every little corner, putting the pieces together slowly and carefully. Starting over more than once, changing the strategy and even changing the people you have around you because sometimes we are surrounded by people who DONT believe in our vision, in our dreams and thats our cue to remove them especially from our projects, our creation is too important to have negative energy involved in the process. You have to protect your work with all that you have and in the same breath, you also have to celebrate every single accomplishment.
Nothing just appears. EVERY single thing that you are surrounded by is your very own creation, the stress is all yours, the sadness is all yours, the people, they are all yours. Take a close look at your surroundings and assess what changes need to be made and make them, one step at a time, one day at a time.
Think about the person you wish to be and then work everyday trying to become that person. Never stop working towards your goals and dreams, no matter how long it may take you to climb the mountain, focus on reaching the top.
I may not be where I want to be as yet, but I certainly have begun to create the world I wish to be surrounded by and I may have a very long way to go but I surely have already come a very long way from where I used to be. I definately have faith in the process, I trust the plan that I have set out for myself and I trust the plan that has been set out for me by my maker. I have had to work harder than most to overcome the obstacles placed in front of me, but my strength lies in those that have had to endure even more than me and that have suffered so much more than I have. My strength lies in the truth of their stories and the only way to create a change is to create the change within yourself first. Only then can what I have to do become relevant, only then can I stand tall and say the words…’Íf I can do it, then so can you’
Live your life creating everything your heart desires.
I’m writing this post because, well, I was asked to by my dear friend after having this conversation with her this morning. She felt that she needed it in black and white so here goes. this is for you darling!
I’m a daddy’s girl. My dad is amazing ( I’m biased, but I’m allowed to be) because the life lessons that he taught me through not only my experiences but his as well are pivotal for me.
I have found myself in some interesting situations in my earlier life that had placed me in some really difficult situations financially. I have borrowed money from people not knowing how I will repay them and I have borrowed money that I did not have in order to help people who could not pay me back. In my previous post I mentioned a case when I borrowed money and was left with paying that debt back even if it wasnt really mine.
This post isnt only about borrowing to and from people, this post is also about credit cards and loans. because that is where I find we all fall short. In my twenties I was in so much debt I could not breathe. I had a loan that was not mine, I had taken it out to help someone but it became my problem, I had 3 credit cards and I earned a salary that was not enough to cover everything. I also had rent to pay and a car to maintain and I was just living beyond my means. I was so naive to everything that the world was about and was just worried about having more and what the image was that I was portraying to the world. In return I found myself having to borrow money from people just to get by. It was a vicious circle of crazy that I had no business being in so young in life.
The pivotal moment in my life was when my person passed away. I had just lost my cousin and my aunt in the space of a week and then just over a month later Orrin died. That lead to a series of choices in time that lead me to a debt free life. I moved cities, had a baby and after having a baby realised that I could not live like that any longer. I drew up a budget in 2008, after the birth of my kid, where my mother had to step in and assist finacially because I was just not coping. I went back to work after my maternity leave, put together a strict budget over 4 years to pay off all R70k of the debt I was in and religiously stuck to my plan until I owed nobody nothing! I was debt free by 33 years old. I refused to own another credit card or take another loan or open another store account for at least 3 years after that, I even bought my car cash because I was not going to be in debt.
My father and I had a conversation, before I drew up my budget. His words changed my life. He said to me, ‘you have to let it go, forgive them for not being true to their word, lets pay off this debt and give it to him, free yourself from the anger you feel’ What my father didnt realise at the time was that his words freed me, from the bondage of anger and resentment. Not only did I forgive the person that I took the loan for, but I also had to forgive myself for making such silly decisions regarding all the credit I had.
Both my parents helped me pay off my debt, I worked my butt off too, but I would have never done it in 4 years if I didnt have their assistance. I was blessed to learn this lesson and I have a few tips to help you if you ever find yourself in this situation.
Never borrow money with the expectation of getting it back, if you borrow money, treat it as a gift and never expect it to come back, if you NEED it to come back, DONT BORROW IT OUT because the chances are that the person doesnt have it now and may not have it in 2 weeks like they said. If the money finds its way back to you, great! Recieve it graciously, but if it doesnt , let it go graciously.
Dont enable a borrower – If a person is struggling there is nothing wrong with helping them out. If they continuously ask you for money and pay you back , great , but if they are not paying you back… are you actually helping this person by giving them money all the time, or are you enabling a bad habit?
If a person asks you for R1000 for something they need. Offer to give them half and make them put effort into finding ways to recieve the other half. If they are not grateful for the half you gave them and complain, never help them again, because if you extent a finger they should not try to grab your whole hand. Meeting someone halfway is more than you had to do and its generous of you to even do that.
If you are in a situation where YOU need to borrow money from someone and you are unsure of how you will pay them back, BE CLEAR that you will make every effort to pay them back but you are not sure how long it will take! Dont lie in order to get what you want.
Do not spend more than you earn … It not a very clever thing to do.
Do not borrow what you dont have, you will put yourself in debt and be liable.
Money can flow into your life just as easy as it can flow out of your life… remember that!
Don’t be stinjy, if you have more than you need and you are able to make a difference then you should be doing that! There are many people who can do with assistance even if they are not asking.
Just because a person doesnt have things, this does not make them less of a person, given half the chance that you had, they probably would have learned to fly even higher than yourself. So be kind and respect EVERYONE.
I hope this helps. Love yourself enough to make wise choices.
Live your life with open eyes and see what is in front of you.
I love taking care of others. I love the feeling of loving other people through whatever it is that they need. It brings me joy to know that I am a source of safety to those that are close to me because they know that I will drop everything for them. I do this because I know how it feels to not have this in my my life. To feel like there is no one that you can count on and nobody you can trust with yourself. It’s always been in my nature to help those that need it. It’ s also in my nature not to have to brag about it. Most of the stuff I do will never come to light, because why should it? If I help someone its because I wanted to help someone and not because I am looking for recognition or validation from it. The validation comes in knowing that that person can now breathe and their lives have been made a little bit easier. No matter how small the assistance is.
I learnt a valuable lesson in my twenties. Never give what you cannot do without. Never give more than you can afford and never give with the expectation of getting it back. If you need to get that thing back that you are giving or borrowing, rather say no because the chances are it may never be returned. I learnt this lesson the hard way in borrowing people that I thought I could trust money that I needed at a later stage and of course it was never returned and I was stuck with paying a debt off that was not even mine to begin with. I blamed that person for the longest time for it. Until I learnt to let go of what had already been done and to move forward. Also to move forward wiser with a lesson that had been learnt. I didn’t allow this to harden me though. I realize that I am more a giver than a taker and I love to give.
It’ s never been easy for me to receive though. This is something that I have struggled with but as time passed I learned how to receive and I also realized that if I expected people to receive from me then I will need to learn to receive graciously from them. Because with giving comes receiving and in being able to receive you are able to give more.
I went through a phase when I totally disregarded myself and only lived for other people. I lived to please them, to make sure that I didn’t step out of line and to make sure I followed their rules. I’ve been free of this for a while now, but there are still times when I find myself cowering into conformity even when I know its not for me. I stay silent and let it be. But as I grow in self I realize that I can no longer live quietly. There is too much at stake in MY life and in the lives of my loved ones for me to just remain in line and follow the leader. I cannot follow the leader any longer and I cannot allow other people to control my life in any way shape or form. This is my current reality. I am unable to conform to the norms and standards that you require me to follow. I am my own person and I have my own mind, its not a mind that I can be silenced because its voice has already been heard and it will not be silenced by anyone or anything.
My thoughts are important too. My opinions matter and so do my beliefs and my ideas. I hear everything that everyone has to to say and I respect your information , in fact I appreciate your information BUT I have a voice too and my voice needs to be heard. What I have to say matters and what I have lived and experienced in this life is valuable. I will no longer be silent for the comfort of others. If my voice makes you uncomfortable then you need to sort that out with yourself because what I have to say will be heard and what I believe is just as important as what you believe. I will not have anything or anyone sit on my opinions and my essence will flow freely through the world.
I am important too , not only you and you and you.
Live your life loving who you are and acknowledging yourself too.
My weight journey has never stopped, I have been off and on with healthy eating since January 2019 and after London it took a while to get back on track. My weight is sitting at 84.1Kgs with a total loss of 7.9 kilograms and just 0.6kg’s away from my halfway mark. Which would be great if I reached it in June, halfway through the year! My goal is to lose 17kg’s and sometimes I feel like its impossible but im so close to halfway but at the same time my body has decided it’s staying here. I’m going to have to increase the intensity of my exercise or lower my calorie intake because we have reached a standstill. I’m a little frustrated to be honest and just wish I could quit, but everytime I eat something I shouldn’t I actually feel like im cheating on myself! Hahaha interesting concept, I know!
My energy is low, I need a boost. I’m not sure whats causing the lag but I need to find a way to fill my tanks soon because old habits can creep up on a person without you even blinking. I havent made my video as yet. I will tho soon, I think im over thinking it and I should just do it and move past this hurdle. Easier said than done, yes I know.
I realise that I struggle with things that don’t have a purpose or a positive effect on the world. It’s difficult for me to focus on what I don’t see as important. Even though in order for me to survive I have to focus on all things in my life or I will fall behind and not know whats happening in the world. I realise though that I’m just not AS interested in these worldly things as the rest. My interest lies more in, how can I help? Where do I need to go to make a difference? Who needs to hear this message? How can I share my passion?
Anyway, its been an interesting time for me as I filter through the corners of my mind to make decisions about where my future will lead me. At the same time I’m searching in those same corners to see what “now” has in store for me and how I handle the cards I’ve been delt today, because thats how I build my future, with today. The decisions I make today affect my tomorrow. I have to remember that always.
As I lose this weight, I seem to be be losing many other things as well. I’ve lost the weight of expectation I have always held myself to, the weight of needing to be accepted, the weight of trying to hide myself from everything and everyone that means anything to me. As my weight dissapears, so are my insecurities, my need for approval, my need for acceptance. I am realising as I accept myself, that everything I’ve ever needed lies within me and nobody else can give me what I have been looking for. I’m not even half way to my healthy weight and I already feel this change in my mindset. So this thing thats holding me back and trying to make me lag behind, thats draining my energy and keeping me from pushing forward, whatever it is, needs to be found and removed.
It’s in times like this where I learn the most about myself, because I am literally figuring it out as the minutes tick by. At the same time I have to maintain everything else. I have to remember that I am blessed because I GET to be in the situation where I have these choices and this path to follow. That it’s not a burden because others don’t have what I do, and so I carry my choices with me everyday, walking through the valley, aiming for the hills and hoping to find myself on the top of a mountain someday.
Thank you for reading, I appreciate you all.
Live your life questioning everything, never take anything for granted.
It’s been almost two months since I have moved into my new space and in that time so much has changed for me already with regards to mind body and soul. Sharing a small room with my daughter for 7 years originally wasnt so bad when she was 3 but at 10 let’s just say the comfort levels dropped to ‘claustrophobic’ for both of us. It took me almost a year to find something suitable for us but in the end the wait was worth it.
I may not live in a mansion, and I may not own my own house yet, but the freedom of renting my own space, being able to live by my own rules and being able to breathe and just be, has to be the most freeing release of energy I have had in a very long time. When I came home from Port Elizabeth to live with mom it was meant to be just for a short while and then 1 year turned to 7 in the blink of an eye. The comforts of living at home with mom are truly amazing and coming home to a cooked meal, having someone see to all the house stuff while you are at work and of course having a ‘live in’ babysitter has to be the best thing ever. Not to mention the feeling of being taken care of, because that’s what mothers do, they MOTHER. All this would be amazing if an 18 year old was typing out this blog post, or even a 25 year old could get away with it, but I turned 39 this year and it just became inexcusable to STILL be living with MOM. Not only because I am capable of taking care of myself but also because it began to stunt MY growth and development as an adult. LESS adulting gets done at home because technically you ARE STILL the child in the household if YOU live with MUM. Ideally because my mum is getting older, I aim to get myself a place with enough space for all of us. BUT there is a distinct difference when the space belongs to me and I’m taking care of HER not the other way around. This is why it became such a priority for me to cut the umbilical cord. I love my mother and I will always be there for her, but in order for me to take care of her in her later years I have to take care of me now.
So to all the people that tried to guilt me into staying, I would like to say that nothing pleases me more than to prove all of you wrong. That it’s best you keep doing you and let me do me. Because in all my craziness and in all the things I do that don’t make sense to you, I’ m ALWAYS taking care of the people that I am responsible for in one way or another and I’ m always making sure that we have what we need. That is my priority and always will be. Even though in the eyes of some I may seem unworthy, I know that I am worthy and I don’t need to be validated by any person other than myself and my GOD.
I am so blessed and its important to remember to share blessings and to always keep those less fortunate than you in mind when living in the midst of all your blessings.
Change will only come when that extra mile is taken and when you close your ears off to the naysayers and follow your OWN path. Stay true to who you are ALWAYS, never compromise yourself and your values for another. They will not be there when its time for you to answer for your actions.
I haven’t been writing as much as I did when I started off this year, I’ve been distracted with so many different things lately and what I found is that the thing I once looked for to shift my focus in the past, I realise now is the thing that keeps me off balance from the me I strive to be.
In the past I looked for distractions to shift my focus off a painful feeling or emotion, but my choice of distraction was never good for me. They came in tall, dark and handsome, with good arms and no good for me at all. I think I always ended up worse off than the thing I was distracting myself from.
Now I dont have to look for distractions because life has become my distraction. I made the decision to be true to my authentic self , but I also need to eat and so the sacrifice I make to eat distracts me from where I ACTUALLY need to be and from doing what MY SOUL wants to do. It can never be an equal balance between the two, unless you find a way to do the thing that your soul longs to do to pay the bills. Unfortunately this is not the case with me and so I find myself so distracted from my dreams.
I have hope though, I havent given up, I still write when I can and I still plan my future when the moment comes. However my energy is low, I feel it. I’m not 100% energised in all that I do at the moment even when I do what I love. I’m too distracted by the things that need to be done and the things that stop me from doing what I need to do and the people that need me.
So last month I said screw it all and I just up and went to LONDON for a week. Best feeling ever, I felt free to be me and guilty that I left my daughter behind but at the same time my tank was running low and I needed to refuel the life source inside of me. It worked, I came back ready to take on the world, well, ready to take on MY world not the world. I also came back realising that MY world doesn’t have to be as small as I have made it in the past. MY WORLD is so great that I actually have no boundaries, and the things I called distractions before were holding me back from WHAT I REALLY WANTED, WHAT I REALLY NEEDED. I distracted myself from growth and purpose and freedom. I distracted myself through self sabotage from success. I distracted myself from love though toughening up and choosing to believe it doesnt exist when it really does. I distracted myself from true connections with people, connections in the form of friendships, relationships , family. I didnt allow the world to see me because I couldnt even see me and it took 1 comment, 1 person, 1 distraction to make me realise that I really dont want people to see me. I have hidden myself from MYSELF and from the world for as long as I can remember, and slowly as time went by as I found little things like my voice in the form of writing , like my true feelings about myself in the form of dance. Dance showed me how little I liked myself and how little I trusted myself with others, and I am so grateful for that because every day I grow into a new person, who learns to trust more and more every single day. A person who likes herself more and more every single day. A person who has learned that comfort is over rated and I am finally realising that I was the distraction, it wasnt really them. It was always me, and now I know that in every situation that I find myself in , whether good or bad, that the thing I choose is always just a reflection of where I am at that very moment, and I’m not always going to be ok and that alright.
I finally see that the truth is right here inside of me and everybody that has been blamed for my truth had nothing to do with any of it. With all this information, with my head held high, I peel one more layer of shame off my body, I peel one more layer of understanding from my brain, I take one more piece of information and plant it in the roots of my soul to water it until it blossoms into a fountain of love and understanding and acceptance for EVERYTHING that I am and not only some things that I wished I could be. This is me. and I will not apologise for it anymore!
Live your life how YOU want to, not how THEY want you to!
What is a priority? Something you have CHOSEN to be more important than another thing. That other thing that got left behind could also be a valuable candidate to be a priority, but because of a choice that you made, it got placed second on the list.
How do we decide what a priority should be? Our families? Children? Boyfriends? Husbands? Who trumps who over Husband and children? Travel and work ? Travel and kids? Your life vs another? What makes your life more important than any other life? What is a priority really? Just another name given to choice? Because at the end of the day is one thing really more important than the other at any point? Probably not, but by our choices we make it more important and then make up 10 reasons why that is the better choice, but I bet you could come up with 10 reasons why you could have made another choice, and instead chose that one.
Priorities… A list of choices in order of importance according my standard that I have chossen for myself AT THIS CURRENT MOMENT. At any point I can change my mind and shuffle the list… right? I’m struggling with this term at the moment. Because I really want to do something, but in the hierarchy of things its not something I HAVE to do, I just REALLY WANT TO. But then theres work, and financial implications, and family, and time away and am I being selfish doing what I want instead of what others want or even need? As a mother, is it wrong to put myself first more than I’m used to? Creating confusion in everyone else! As a daughter is it wrong to lean on the support of my mother to help with my child when there is no assistance from a spouse (because I dont have one)? When does one draw the line of me vs them or mother vs daughter or expectations vs reality?
Today is a questioning day and I’m looking for some insight from my readers this time.
Thank you for taking the time to read my work and follow me. I appreciate you all.
I have so much to say about being real, because fake just does not work for me! I recently expereinced this on a level of its own where a person that I spent some time with accepts zero BS and keeps it real 100% of the time living his own truth. If another person sucks up your energy, you have no reason to spend any time with them and no need to even explain why. Keeping in mind you may come accross as a total douchebag in the process, but there is a point in all of this. Why do we allow other people so much power in our lives? With regards to the decisions we make, why do we allow our families and friends to guilt us into things that we are not happy with, or into being people that we are unhappy with. As long as they are happy we keep following their lead.
I cannot imagine living my life free from the words and coersions of other people, and that is so sad, because it’s all I know. It’s like it’s been engraved in my being, that other people will say something if you do this and that. After 39 years of living this way my eyes have been opened by the most unlikely person. But fortunately for me, once I see a thing , I cant unsee it, I have to do everything to understand it, to change it if its wrong and to fix it if its broken in me. I’ve been better in the last 3 years, I have been doing more of me and I have made some major changes in my life FOR ME. But I didn’t realise the extent of my need to please other people. The amount of pain I allow them to cause me so I can avoid an awkward situation or so I can avoid hurting their feelings. It’s amazing how in all these years my feelings were pushed aside for the comfort and apporoval of others. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a complete pushover, the people that get this right with me are the people that found their way into my heart, not just any random people. I dont like dissapointing the people I love. But what kind of a life will I live if I keep doing whats right for them and ignore whats right for me?
I have to shed this weight of their expectation from my core and allow myself to be unapologetically me. Will this make me a bad person? No, because I know that I have goodness in me, will this make people angry? Yes! Because they will not be able to manipulate me as much as they used to. It’s time for me to cut the emotional ties I hold to people that control me and call it love. The real test will be, do you still love me even when I dont live up to YOUR expectations. I know that in the end I HAVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR THOSE THAT I HOLD DEAR, THE QUESTION IS… ARE THE FEELINGS MUTUAL? Or am I just a puppet on a string living my life being controlled by other peoples wishes???