I promised myself that if I’m going to do this it’s always going to be an authentic journey both for me and for those who choose to read my posts. Sometimes I stare at a blank screen and have no idea what I want to share with you and sometimes my energy and words flow freely and nothing can stop the words from pouring out of me.
It has me thinking about the things that cause blocks in my productivity and my inspiration. When my mind is blocked the words don’t flow and sometimes what I write just feels wrong so instead I choose not to post anything until my energy is up again. While looking into what causes me to blank out I realized that energy is the greatest factor. Next to my lack of energy is fear. The fear that creeps up in me stems from the past, and the little voice in my head tells me so many negative things that I know are not true but something in me seems to hold onto these past feelings. Feelings of not being good enough, feelings of insecurity, ‘what will the neighbors say’ was the biggest thing that got drummed into my head. I never want to disappoint my family, nobody does really, but I realize, that as I venture into my purpose using my gifts, that pleasing my family or my friends becomes less of a priority. the priority is being an authentic person, staying true to my calling, my purpose and my journey. Understanding that people will always have something to say and that no matter what, I have to push through to continue building myself and my strengths in order to persevere.
As I continue with my journey and heal my wounds one day at a time, I realize that not everybody that I once called friend will stay with me on this journey, and that is OK. I realize that even when I lose the most precious things to me, that I’m never left with nothing and what I have left will always be the tools I can use for my new ending. I realize that I may not be able to change the beginning of my story, nobody can change the past. It is set in stone, it will never change. However I can change my future, my now, my new choices. Yes, there will be people holding me to a standard that I once was held to, but those people will have to understand that who I am now is not I was 10 years ago. They will have to let go of their requirements of me and realize that I have my own requirements and standards now that are no longer in alignment with what they once knew.
One of my blocks is the guilt of letting go. Letting go of relationships that no longer have a positive impact on my life. Understanding that change is not supposed to be an easy process and that the discomfort I feel when making transformations is necessary for me to grow. I have to allow myself to say goodbye to my past and leave its darkness behind and instead choose to find the light and the lessons in the pain that I had to endure.
So when I find myself staring at a blank screen I have to remember not to limit myself to what I think you want to read but instead share the truth as it stands for what I want to share. My truth may not be what some want to hear, but as long as it helps those that need to hear it in order to grow,to learn and to realize that they are not alone, I will continue to share myself as best as I can with those who need me to. I will continue to stare at the blank screen until the words come flowing out and I will continue to serve you with honesty and realness, with authentic versions of my truth as long as you need me to.
Thank you for sharing your love and your light with me.
Isn’t it so sexy when you see a person that takes care of themselves even in the midst of chaos? When the peace that flows through them is so apparent that u just wanna be close to them so you can maybe catch some of that energy flow and hopefully just hopefully get a glimpse into their peace. Where in a world filled with chaos theres that person that just look so… together?
I’m not talking about smooth talking, good looking or even financially able people. I’m talking about the ones that just got this sense of calm about them, all the time… That is my kinda sexy. Not boring… calm. Not perfect but healthy, looks have nothing to do with it, but the effort and love that goes into their appearance is noticeable.
It probably has something to do with my own habits, because I feel sexiest when I’m taking excellent care of myself, when my skin is soft and when I’m soaking in a bubble bath completely immersed in peace and calm where not only my body gets to relax but my mind too. When I know that I’ve groomed and had a facial or neatened my eyebrows. When I am balanced and I get a good session of exercise in my day and my diet is one that serves my body not destroys it. This is when I’m feeling sexiest and happiest and no matter the shape of my thighs or the chub on my cheeks or the crooked in my smile, nothing can take away the joy and the glow in me when I am truly balanced.
I guess because this is when I am at my highest high and when I got my shit together so I find myself attracted to this type of person in both my love life and my friendships. I know how out of whack I feel when I’m eating unhealthy and not exercising, this happens all the time, I also know how I lose my confidence and how I just don’t feel alive in myself and bright. You see if you surround yourself with my kind of sexy, then when you lose your spark or your balance every now and then it’s that person that will push you back into it, nudge you in the right direction and make sure that you find your glow again and vice versa. This is how it’s supposed to be, this is what true sexiness is. Finding your best and always striving to improve, but also being in your worst and having someone that pushes you through, not for any other reason but for your benefit and your happiness.
Be sexy, be that person for yourself and for others when they need you, surround yourself with people like this and you will surely follow in their ways or use their methods to find you own way.
Thank you to my sexy people who push me into balance and pull me out of sluggishness when I fall in the trap. I love you and I appreciate you.
It’s so easy to fall into the trap that people have set up for us. Where we find ourselves blindly following and obsessing over things that we have been convinced actually matter. Like money and having lots of it. Yes, I know, money makes life easier and I’m not saying that money is bad, how could it be? It’s just a piece of paper or a coin that we as humans have given value to and have made life extremely difficult to live without.
We find ourselves sacrificing precious time with family and loved ones for money. We even sometimes sell our souls to make more of it. We have been convinced that we are nothing if we don’t have an exorbitant amount of it and we even look for life partners that are able to promise us financial stability if we choose them. But what about life itself? Actual life? How much of our time are we investing on prioritizing staying alive, being alive and, well, taking care of ourselves and our loved ones in every way that is needed and not only wanted in the form of finances.
Are we taking time out of our day to nourish our minds, our bodies and our souls? If we are that’s great! Have you taken the time out of your day to share your balance and your abilities with others? Or do you feel like sharing knowledge just isn’t your thing? I find that my success in any form only feels truly worth it to me when I have managed to share it with others. When give someone the tools and the knowledge to also find success in their lives. Whether it be in the form of writing or sharing verbally. What good is my life work, my life pain and my life’s success if not to share it with others to take from it any knowledge or strength that they may need. I’m happy to share and exchange energy and stories with you because I know that true success for me means that I have achieved my own personal goals as well as shared with whoever wants to listen, how I overcame challenges on the way in the hopes of them finding the will and the strength to overcome as well.
Recently the world has been ‘caught with its pants down’ and is now trying to do damage control, but this damage that’s being done is irreversible. Lives are being lost and people are getting sick. Everybody else sits in fear of the unknown waiting to feel safe again, waiting for things to go back to normal. So many people have lost their jobs and now face the challenge of feeding their families and paying for the roof over their heads. Some are panicking others remain calm but in the midst of all this we are all just fighting to survive. Because if we lose our lives then none of it matters anymore. Not the money, or the pretty things. Just the love that we share and the impact that we made will be left behind. So while we all sit at home, or even go to work in this uncertain time, what are we doing to maintain a balance in our lives and in our hearts? Are we mindlessly watching the news all day or peoples social media opinions and fear based rants and feeding ourselves with fear too? Or are we actually taking this time to reassess what’s important to us and how we have been living our lives thus far? For those of us that are able to use this time to make adjustments to our lives, to our priorities and for those of us who are losing what we know and have to find new ways to survive, how are we changing our lives in a way that will create a new path for us? A new perspective, how are we using this time to adjust? Are we reading more? Are we meditating? Are you taking the time to give yourself what you need while you actually have this time? Are you brainstorming ways to make an income if yours has been compromised? Or are you just allowing yourself to fall into the trap of absorbing all the dogma that is being spewed out to us, which seems to be blindly accepted and has been blindly accepted throughout the years.
Instead of just following the collective consciousness of the world, why don’t you take the time to find your own consciousness? Who you are and what you truly think and believe. Why don’t you take the time to look in the mirror and for once stop allowing external input to dictate to you who you are and what you should be doing. For once look inside yourself and follow your own instincts and be guided by your own true thoughts and beliefs. The time is now to make the changes you need to make, the time is now to use the isolation to your benefit and grow yourself in some way, the time is now to fight for your survival and to be bold in your convictions. Do not let the limitations of others stop you from surviving this time, from pushing through the boundaries of collective consciousness and finding your own way to live without the worry of “what others may think.”
Everything at this point is unknown, so instead of choosing fear, choose faith, choose life, choose hope and choose love. Choose to find a way even when there seems to be no way. Look to your maker, your God, look within yourself for everything you need is in there and everything you don’t have your creator will provide, for grace and love will always find its way to those that surrender themselves to life itself. The very being the gives us breath, the source of life.
At the end of the day, when you look at yourself in the mirror you have to be pleased with what you see and who you are because it’s you that has to live with whats inside of you, for nobody else will ever know but you.
My mother tells a story of me helping my drunken neighbor, who had passed out on the pavement next to our house. I was young about 13 years old and he needed help, so I helped him. Do I remember this incident? Absolutely not, do I believe her? Absolutely, because I know that my heart today could never leave a neighbor on the ground when I could help, so my innocent (ish) 13 year old self would definitely not be able to let that go. Why am I telling you this story? Because today I decided to just let whatever comes out of me come out freely and that I will share it with you without being too concerned with what the neighbors will think or the church will think or just anyone really. My life is my life and all this shame that people feel they need to force on me and on you is just not cool.
I’m not supposed to talk about many things because it will bring shame on me or my family. But truthfully the only one that allows the shame to manifest is me. I am the one that feels shame. Why because we are raised in shame. People just mustn’t know because they will think badly of you. I get how this was important many moons ago, when the world was still in black and white and priorities were different and women basically were just there to make babies and be a wife to some man. Mixing races was a ridiculous thought back then and so was same sex marriages. Slavery was a thing too, but hey lets not raise our sons and daughters in this decade with the same shame that was placed on people in the past.
Last night I cried a little, not because a virus is taking over the world, not because people are dying and its out of my control, this is something that my heart cries out for every single day and I cant bear to imagine the level of pain families are going through at this time. It weighs heavy on my heart every day as we are asked to stay home and protect not only ourselves but everyone else too. No last night my tears were closer to home, I cried because I felt like a failure. I felt like a failure because I lost my cool AGAIN and used words to express my frustration that no 11 year old needs to hear. My kid never hears me use curse words, only when the level of angry does not allow for any other words to describe the amount of frustration.
One “f*#en hell” and the tears ran down her cheeks because she places blame on herself when she sees frustration in me. I know this because she tells me its her fault that I am frustrated and then she self shames because it’s how she relates my anger to herself. Now let’s understand that I immediately rectify her thoughts with a greater understanding of how my frustration is not her fault, that I love her unconditionally and she is the joy in my world. That my frustration comes from my own choices and my own failures and they have nothing to do with her. I had to remind her how precious she is to me and to the world and that sometimes being an adult is really tough and that we don’t always know what we are doing. That we feel just like she does but we don’t always get to express ourselves as freely as kids do. Eventually she smiled again and told me that she understands and that she loves me and will try to do better tomorrow. (meaning chores and schoolwork etc) because obviously this was the reason I lost my cool a little bit.
Once she fell asleep I was allowed to finally let the tears out and feel everything. Overwhelmed with just everything at this point, for the first time in a very long time I felt alone, I felt like I had nobody that I could call at 1am when my world was falling apart because, well, that person died 6 years ago and lets be real, people are asleep at that time and finding people that will drop the world and answer a call at that hour is just ridiculous. Or maybe its just me that doesn’t feel like burdening my tribe with tears at 1am because I know they are like me and the phone is on silent and sleep is not gonna be disturbed, so it would be pointless anyway.
I felt like a failure as a mother, I felt like a failure as a person and I felt like a failure as a woman.
Being a single mother comes with guilt, guilt of not being able to give her everything I feel in my belief system that she deserves. 2 parents, white picket fence… you know the supposed dream that we as girls are taught to believe is the way to be. It doesn’t help that all my child wants are these things and I spend my time explaining to her why she doesn’t have them
My feeling of failing as a person comes from the general expectation the world had on me when I was younger. That I would do more and be more and success would find me. I look at my life and one day I feel truly blessed , and then the next I feel overwhelmed with bills. How will I have enough to cover everything and now that my salary is uncertain how will I cover anything? I used my savings to travel last year, now what? I honestly feel like every choice I made has left me a failure. I’m supposed to have done so much to help change the world by now, I wanted to help so many people, but darkness in my heart, pain from my past and fear just kept me making shitty choices. My choices are better now, yes but look at how behind I am? I’m supposed to be doing this stuff in my 20’s not at 40. But here I am making better choices, now, rather late than never I guess. I have grown so much and achieved so much in a short time, but last night my heart would not allow me to see these things, just pain and regret. I know I haven’t ACTUALLY failed as a person, when the darkness becomes light all is well and all the sorrow is forgotten because Joy comes in the morning with the gift of another day to do better to try harder and to love more… right?
My feeling of failure as a woman comes from the expectation that the world has always had on me to marry. My fathers heart will rest only when he knows that I have found someone to share my life with. Half the world says I’m better off and the other says I’m not. My heart was hardened to marriage because of the poor examples I had of it around me and the pain that it caused me as a child. As a teen I would dream of meeting someone and doing the whole family thing yes, because that was the dream all little girls were told by their grandmothers and their aunts and their mothers. but after a failed 7 year relationship by 25 lets just say I closed my heart off to love, I didn’t believe it was for me and so sabotaged every chance I had to find love back then. I didn’t even realize I was doing that until I began to work on healing that pain of my past. It’s amazing how we protect ourselves by avoiding the thing that hurt us. My father always teased that I wouldn’t be young and pretty forever and I should snatch someone up before the wrinkles came, hahaha. But I was too busy avoiding life to see that in his joking he was really concerned for me. I know in reality I have not failed as a woman and that this is just a way of punishing myself for the many bad choices I’ve made in the past, but last night my heart wouldn’t let me see any light and so I had to feel the pain that my heart felt.
So I cried and let a layer of pain leave my body because I know that the only way to heal is to feel and I know that the only way to resolve is to face the feeling and work through it in the morning. So here I am today, I decided that this blog cannot be just about happy days and happy times, but also about whats real, and whats real for me right now is that I feel vulnerable to many things because I am alone in my personal struggle because only I can resolve the conflict within myself. But I also know that I am not actually alone in my struggle because even in this lock down where my movement is limited and things are scary and unknown, I know that I may physically be alone here in my space, but I am not really alone in the world because the people that I have chosen to be in my world are amazing people and even though they sleep at 1am, I know that if I reach out to them that they will reach right back as soon as they possibly can.
This morning I am once again filled with hope, filled with light and the pain of last night resolved and the lesson taken with me into the future. I am not perfect, I know, but I am doing the best I can with what I have, and yes the pressures of the world may make me feel insufficient at times but in truth I know that I am not measured by the things that I have or the money that I make but I am measured by what is in my heart and how I choose to live my life from this day forward. So the past is not there to haunt me but to grow me and teach me and guide me, and my tears are not there to torture me but to heal me and help me to shed the internal pain that I carry with me. One day I know that it will all make sense, I know that everything I’ve lived will not seem as confusing to me as it did before and that all the pain in the end will have purpose.
I share this with you because I know i am not alone in these feelings of insufficiency and because I want to do all that I can to help whoever I can to resolve their pain and to feel less alone even if all I can do for now is write down my story, or parts of it at least, Its the on thing that I have to share and giving love and light right now in any way shape or form means one step closer to fighting of darkness and warming up cold hearts with feelings of love and understanding.
We are all doing the best we can, so please cry if you must, feel what you must but when morning comes and a new day begins, lift your chin up, hold your head high and start again, try again and never give up the fight for life, for love and for purpose. We are all worth the fight, nobody is worthless, together we can overcome everything.
Fear is ruling the world at the moment, people are afraid of the unknown, they always have been and probably always will be. People that allow fear to be their ruler are dangerous people, because fear is from darkness and it tries to put out the light that shines in all of us. But all hope is not lost because courage has overcome fear before, and it will again, there are always warriors of light that in the face of fear look within themselves and find the courage to overcome it even when all hope seems lost. I say ‘seems’ lost because we can never completely lose hope as long as there is a glimmer of light that shines in us.
People that are self serving will try to put out your light and try to make it seem like there is no hope, but let me remind you that even in the greatest test that we are now facing, the test that will be remembered for the rest of our lives, there is always light and there is always hope. These people that spread darkness will spread fear, but lets not forget that even they have hope in them, and it’s in our light and our love that we are sharing and spreading with each other that will help them find their light and their hope. With all the light bearers and light warriors that we have in this world, I have complete faith that hope will be restored as long as we fight together.
Today I was reminded that I am a part of a global family, that I am loved and supported not only by my blood but by my extended family in the world. Until today I took for granted the support and love that I receive from so many, literally from all the corners of the world. In one week I have received video calls, normal calls and text messages from loved ones all over the world, Australia, Canada, USA, UK and so many from my loved ones in South Africa. It took a heartfelt message from a beloved friend who lost a loved one and in this time of pain where many choose to hide in the darkness, they found courage and faced their fears and instead of dwelling in darkness chose light, to share light, to live in light and just to be light in the midst of our darkest times. I was reminded that in times of struggle and pain to remember that we are never given more than we can handle and that the greater the test the greater the person.
I have always preached living in light, I have always spread a message of love, but I too sometimes fall in the realms of fear and that sometimes I too am surrounded by darkness and have to fight. We have to remember that we are in this together, there is no escaping this. Where fear lives in the hearts of many and when love is the only way to fight through this battle. I sometimes lose hope, but there is always a fellow warrior of light who spreads just the message I need to hear to re-ignite my flame before it dims. I hope to be that light for anyone who needs to be reminded that in the midst of darkness, there are always warriors of light fighting their way to you and if you can just open your heart to face your fear and find your courage to spread the love and light that you were born to share.
In the midst of all this fear, don’t give in to darkness, don’t let anger take over and don’t spread hate, look to life and find ways to heal and love instead. Don’t be a part of the problem, choose to be a part of the solution, choose to be a part of togetherness in sharing love and light in a time that we need it most. Please remember that together we are stronger, so lets support each other while the world weeps in pain, as she loses her people, as she watches her children starve and cry out to their God to save them. It’s a time for togetherness even if we have to do it in separation, let’s show solidarity in doing what we can to minimize the risk of spreading this problem and doing what we can to love and support those in need instead of spewing hate and spreading darkness where light is the only hope we have in making it through this. It may not seem like a big deal to many, that’s because you have not felt a loss or have not had to suffer because of it, I pray that you never have to because this pain you would not wish on anyone.
Live your life spreading light not darkness and be the light that you need, so you too can help others.
So today is day 16 of South Africa’s official lock down but day 26 of my self isolation and now things are starting to get interesting. It’s time for me to start looking into how the bills will get paid with me not being able to work a single day in the month of April. How do I know for sure that May will be cleared for movement, and if its not, how will I get bills paid? I haven’t had to ask this question in a very long time , but here I am faced with a dilemma. This is what the general population has to face when they have a job that they actually have to physically be at in order to get it done and get paid. My domestic worker has rent to pay and quite frankly, so do I and if I’m concerned can you imagine how worried she is? As a human being its my duty to make sure that she has a roof over her head and that she and her kids have food to eat, she is a member of my family and we love her dearly. Yet how do I manage if my salary is cut or no existent? How will I send her money even though she cannot work, I am her only source of survival, if I dont get paid how do I extend myself to her and her needs?
Before this pandemic, I was very comfortable. most of my needs were met and I honesty lived a pretty protected lifestyle. As a single mother to an 11 year old and a woman that financially has a household to single-handedly keep afloat, but on top of that my domestic worker and her family is my responsibility too as she too is single-handedly keeping herself afloat. It’s a domino effect really, if I crash she crashes and I simply cannot have this situation play out in the worst case scenario.
This pandemic will undoubtedly change the world forever, we don’t know how, but things will never be as they once were. In times like this where worry creeps in, where not much is in our control, I look to God, the maker of us all, whether you believe in God or not, when challenges are out our hands and we can only do very little to make change, I look to the creator of everything that is alive, at life itself and I call for mercy, I call for peace, I call for sympathy. I am so thankful for the life I have been blessed with thus far and when things have been tasked to me I try my best to follow the call that I hear through the whispers of life.
It’s in times like these however that our true character shines through and who we actually are will show. To those that are not willing to sacrifice their freedom for the good of mankind and still go for runs, walks and swims in public areas when the rest of the country is trying to fight an enemy that is yours too, your character and selfishness is being shown to the world. In the end, while we are trying to overcome obstacles like survival, it is you, that feels the struggle of every South African is beneath you and that you are too self important to follow rules and regulations. We see you. You lose the respect of the nation when you are so self absorbed in your own needs that the needs of those less privileged than you become obsolete. We see you, and we pray that you have a change of heart because when you actually open your eyes and see how the earth is crying because so much life has been lost, when you stop for just a moment in your bubble of self absorption and see that over 100 000 people have lost their lives and families are mourning the death of their loved ones from afar. I pray that as you take your jog and possibly spread and move around a virus unknowingly because you touched something, or someone, that the pain of every potential person you could infect due to your stupidity finds it’s way to your heart and helps you to change your mind about being the self absorbed human that you are portraying yourself to be. I can only pray for your change of heart, that you change your mind and realize the potential damage you could be doing to all of us that have mouths to feed and that do not have the privilege of unlimited financial resources. That you heed the cries of children that have lost their parents and parents that have lost their children, along with the cries of those that were already struggling before this pandemic hit us and now they are at a point of all hope being lost in hunger and pain as their lives and what little they had to begin with fall to pieces with little or nothing they can do to prevent it.
I’m worried that these inconsiderate people will be the reason I can’t go back to work along with the rest of South Africa, the reason this lock down will keep getting extended, the reason the spread of this virus will not come to a halt and the reason I will run out of savings and whatever funds I was able to put away for this type of emergency. My money will stretch to a certain extent, yes, but it too will come to a complete end and then what, what do we do then? How does my helper eat then? How does my family eat then? Who will pay my rent? these are the questions going through minds of the majority of people in the world that actually have to get up and work for a living, where no work means no pay, and no pay means no food and no shelter.
For the love of humanity and the survival of our people, before we start losing lives to starvation as well as this pandemic, can we just do our part and stay the f*#! at home people. Don’t be that person that feels they are beyond this, you are not.
Live your life responsibly please, our lives are in your hands.
It’s not easy to be productive when you are home and have fallen into the cycle of late nights and sleeping in every day. However today am inspired by the many talented people who are being an inspiration to the world despite their circumstances. What I found is that the more I watch these people on social media platforms share themselves through their talents to keep the world spirits up and to do what they can to make their mark in the midst of this crisis. We can only control ourselves and what we do. So its up to us not to fall into the lazy trap and just binge on everything that we can find.
Food is meant to provide us with nourishment and give our bodies energy to perform at its best. It’s not meant to keep us busy while we are bored. If you are going to eat out of boredom then expect your energy levels to drop because too much food does more harm than good to our bodies.
I read once that if you find yourself bored it means that you are not making enough of an effort to be your best and to grow because there are never enough books to read or online courses to take, there are always ways to self assess and make moves to create change no matter how small in your life. Boredom is a reflection of the choices that you are making for your life, and the way to overcome that is by taking the time to assess why you don’t have the motivation to improve yourself and instead choose to call it boredom.
I write about this because I too fall into lazy spells where days go by and I have done nothing to improve myself and binge watching series or movies is all I can bring myself to do. I’m lucky enough though to have friends that remind me to be productive and to make an effort. I also have access to the internet where I get to watch all these inspiring connections being made, where DJ’s from all over the world continue to play sets online, dance teachers continue to offer free classes online and musicians are not only sharing information but collaborating in singing songs to keep the world positive and hopeful.
I’ve been in isolation for 24 days today, first it was self isolation after my attendance to a festival to keep whatever germs I may or may not have been carrying to myself, but now it’s because of the national lock down that the entire country has to adhere to. It hasn’t been too much of a daunting task to stay home because I’m blessed with a garden big enough to keep me sane and to take a walk when I need to. However I have definitely not been as productive as I normally am, and its time to step up and begin to make the changes in my daily routine to boost productive energy. How am I going to do this? Well I have to start with self care. If I don’t actually take care of myself an my body how can I be productive? So starting today I have to find the motivation to exercise in some way, whether it be yoga, dancing ,weights, skipping or even just a good skipping session. I’ve already made changes to go back to my healthy eating habits because the carbohydrate overloading was making me uncomfortable and just bloated. So that one seems to be under control. I also need to make time to read every day, instead of screentime, I need to take time to read a book, challenge my brain a bit to use its imagination and to create its own pictures instead of the tv or laptop just doing it for me. Household chore that I have been avoiding are getting tackled one at a time because my helper is also on lockdown and I am left to do it all. Maing sure to prepare healthy meals every day keeps me bouncing around in the kitchen happily to my favorite playlists.
So it’s time for me to improve myself where I can every day and to use this time to make the most of all the things I won’t be able to focus on when its back to the hustle and bustle of life as we once knew it. I call on you to look at the choices you are making every day and to ask yourself what positive changes can you look into making while you have this downtime. How are you using this time to improve your family life or to reach out to people who you normally would not have the time to reach out to. Make that call, read that book, play that game your kid has been asking you to play for so long, make that video you keep putting off or do that online course that you said you didn’t have enough time to do. There is nothing but time now, to focus on all the things that are not on your radar when you have a full time job to do. Write that book you started and didn’t finish!
Live your life even staying home turns out to be harder than you thought. Live your best life anyway!
There is a fight going on between light and darkness. Anger vs calm, fear vs peace, joy vs sadness and love vs hate. This is not a new fight, its been here since the beginning of time, but it looks like the source of darkness has upped its game a notch or 50. The world is in chaos, literally. People are living in fear, fear of an invisible enemy, one that came to steal joy from those that are joyful by killing those that are weak.
I’ve been keeping an eye on the statistics of this Covid 19 virus that has us all on our knees, it’s real, it’s here and its out to infect whoever it can get to. The call is to stay at home, this virus doesn’t have legs, we are its legs, and by moving around we move it around. We risk either touching something that it’s sitting on, or we risk sharing it with our fellow friends unknowingly because we have it on our hands. Don’t touch your face they said (this is impossible) so at the very least we need to wash our hands as often as possible and keep the surfaces in our homes disinfected because you will never know what you have brought into your home at this point. You have to behave as if you have it on you all the time, you have to behave as if every cough you let out and every sneeze you have is spreading this virus everywhere and you have to do your bit to contain it as much as you possibly can. You have to remember that everything you touch outside of your home is a possible carrier including yourself. Just because you don’t have the virus doesn’t mean you can’t carry it around and bring it home to your family and your loved ones. You have to be made aware, you have to try and do what you can to kill this virus off.
The reality is that our weak are dying and even the slightest infection is a torturous affair, where you find yourself with the risk of fighting off a virus that trying to take over as much of your lung power as it possibly can. Breathing is how we live, without breath we die. If we cannot get enough oxygen into our lungs we suffocate and die. This enemy is trying to suffocate us, to dim our light and finally extinguish it, but we cant allow it to win like this, we have to put our big girl panties on and our big boy undies on and we have to kick this things butt.
It’s not a virus that we can take lightly just because we are not weak or because we will most likely not die. Before too long you will know someone who knows someone that has died of this virus, and not too long after that, you yourself will know someone that has died of this virus. Please note, you probably already know someone that is infected or has been infected and has already recovered, because this thing is everywhere. The good news is that it cannot live forever, it dies if it doesn’t find a host to devour, it dies even if it does find a host. The bad news is the more we choose to move around the more we are helping the enemy kill our neighbor and infect our friends and family.
Please, for the sake of humanity, for the sake of the poor and the weak, who don’t have the means to fight this like you and I who are strong, please for this time of lock down stay put and protect those around you by not contributing any more than you already have to to the spread of this thing.
I’m not writing this to install fear in you, fear is another tool used to destroy the world, I’m writing this so you can have the information that you need to do the right thing, not only for you and your family but for me and my family too.
Covid 19 can be beaten, it will be beaten! WE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO WIN THIS FIGHT, BUT WE NEED YOU TO PLAY BY THE RULES AND STAY AT HOME.
I haven’ t written in a long while for so many reasons which from week to week keep changing. But I realize that its time to pull myself up and get back out there. The world is in crisis and here I am trying to stay in my own little corner trying my best not to do any harm.
So Covid 19 is the name of the game at the moment and by game I mean life game not haha funny game. It’s not amusing in the slightest, I should know, isolation isn’t the easiest, especially when you have so much counting on you then boom, out of action. What will we do in the midst of this Covid 19 outbreak? We will remain calm and do what we can for humanity in our own little corners of the world. That’s what. Do go about spreading unnecessary panic, yes we are all a little afraid of what could be, but in the end, its what we choos to do now that matters, so make calm choices… please.
I love how social media is have having live DJ sessions and the dance community has online classes for free. Everybody is coming together to do their part. It’s amazing how in crisis we are pulling together instead of tearing each other apart… I obviously can’t speak for everybody though, there is always one spoilsport kid in the class that wants everyone to be as miserable as they are, so my words exclude you.
South Africa is on a 21 day shut down, I have to say that as my President ended his speech last night, I felt the sincerity, and the emotion in his voice and my heart reached out to him. I don’t care how many people that have left want to bash my country, I am proud that our leader has taken a stand and is doing his people proud. The world needs calm leadership in this moment, and I pray for those countries that don’ t have that.
So for today, big ups to my president, I am proudly South African and keep calm everyone. It’s going to be a little overwhelming at first, but remember if you stay in your lane and follow the rules, everything will be OK. We have survived worse, we will survive this, as a nation. Stay positive and remember together we are stronger.
Last year I challenged myself to lose 17kgs I started the year weighing 92 kg’s and by the end of May 2019 I was 84.1 Kg’s, just a few grams away from my actual halfway mark. I didnt track my progress after this date but I do know that there was a Croatia trip involved and boy was I not watching my eating habits on that trip. Before I knew it the numbers on the scale were climbing again and by January 2020 I was weighing 89 kgs again. A mere 3 kgs from where I started my health challenge in 2019. It’s safe to say that I did not reach my goals in 2019 and somewhere along the road I lost my motivation to push, and then discipline went out the window.
So I started this year at 89 kilograms and as everybody seems to do they get on a scale after the holidays and torture themselves with all the weight they have put on. I joined the party this year and boy did my eyes open really wide. I made a decision to make healthier choices and not hold myself to any goal or standard, but being human I still had that 75kg goal at the back of my mind. I realise that I work well when I motivate myself with realities and reward myself with each small step I take. So far I have read up about my blood type and realise that I have been eating so many things that are bad for me even if they are healthy for someone else.
I am not on a diet, I have simply made a few changes in what does not agree with my body and given it a chance to prove itself right or wrong. I feel less bloated and I feel alot more energetic when I am excluding the the food that does not agree with me. I cheated last week, and oh boy have I been suffering. Headaches, bloated and I have learnt that my body really does not like wheat at all.
Following these changes my weight is down to 84,3 kgs. Almost 5 kilograms down in just under 2 months. It’s an achievement for me because I am very uncomfortable in an overweight body, not only because of how I look but how I feel. My knees get affected and my back. I am happier with less weight to carry around and my body moves with so much more ease. I can truly feel the difference already and the change in my energy levels with each kg that drops off me.
Since I have made a change in what I put into my body, I have realised that I really should be more mindful of what I eat. Not for cosmetic reasons but for my health too. There is nothing better than being healthy and being able to do a task without struggling with aches and pains caused by extra weight.
Someone told me to embrace my curves, and if I actually had curves I really would embrace them, but I get bigger square not curvy and my waitsling dissappears, So in order for me to have any type of curve I have to remove the body fat from my waisteline… I love curves on a womens body, but let’s remember that we are not all built the same and we have to embrace the body that we have and be the best version of who we are.
So my challenge to you and to myself is to love ourselves as we are, with all the extras or lack of extras that we come with, but in loving ourselves we have to be healthy first and foremost. We must love ourselves enough to change what we can for the healthier and accept what we can’t change and have enough knowledge about our bodies to know the difference… Yes I used a prayer and changed it up.
I finally understand why I have been such a control freak all my life. It’s because I have rarely been in situations that have not been controlled in one way or another. I panic when control is lost, because the reality is control is comfort for me.
It started with my mom, she loved control, but from stories I get the sense that her parents were even more hectic than she was. My mother and cleanliness on are on a level of their own. I mean cleanliness is great, but yoh, I’m really happy to see her relax as she ages and realises that a fork in the sink will not end the world. (I’m exaggerating mom) I get it, when you are in control you feel safe and feeling safe in those days were important because alot was going on with brown people and white people and Apartheid here in South Africa. So I get it, saftey and control was a matter of survival, and to date we hold onto it like its the very breath that we breathe. My mom chose a career from one of the few things coloured women were allowed to choose back then, she was a teacher, I honestly do not know how she managed, but she was a brilliant teacher and she genuinley had the heart for it.
My dad was into control too, but kinda different from my mom, his was more of a mind control, observe and quitley coerce people into seeing it his way kinda guy. My dad has a brilliant mind, he could have been anything in my opinion, but again limited by Apartheid our men had to be some sort of tradesman and of course my dad was an amazing tradesman ( I’m clearly biased). He started as a carpenter and moved to shopfitting… I loved how he used to take me on site with him as a child. It moulded me into that tomboy child that ran a mock on sites instead of wearing pretty dresses and playing with makeup.
I turned out to be a solid mix of both these humans, and then a sprinkle of just me on top. Control practised in all senses of the word, I even find control when I’m spiralling out of control. I look at my life and it hasnt been a bad life, its been pretty darn good actually. But something has been niggling at me for the longest time. The word freedom. I feel like my greatest frustration is not being free. Free to really just do what I feel is best and free to not feel guilty about disagreeing with certain things.
I mean, first school controlled me, do as you are told they said. Then Religion controlled me, if you don’t do it this way then you are sinning, then family belief systems controlled me, not only immediate family, just family dynamics in general… I have always been held to a certain level and I remember always fighting it by rebelling, but I’m grown now and all that nonsense stopped a long time ago. But then work controlled me, because it pays the bills. When will I begin to actually just be free to live my life outside of this control?
I’m really struggling with this concept of freedom, mostly because I really don’t know how to address it. I’m so afraid of it, but I so badly need to break free of these chains I’ve been allowing to hold me back from living my life how I want to live it. My chains are in the form of guilt. I’m guilted by what I’m “supposed to do” and I’m afraid to do do what I actually “want to do” because I feel so guilty.
I see my little girl being indoctrinated with the same control lines, and I think to myself…Is this what I truly want for her? Do I want her to be struggling with guilt because people told her what she should and should not be doing? I’m so control driven that if something is out of my control I completely freak out, I have to learn to breathe and just wait for an outcome and I’m learning that I can only really control my reaction to the things out of my control. But does this make the process easier? It certainly does not.
Whats brought this on? I’m so tired of being told what to do, by people that don’t even have a clue about their own lives. I’m so tired of being manipulated into being who “they”want me to be and not who I truly am. I’m tired of this guilt I feel inside when I go against how I was raised and do what I want. I’m 40, surely by now this should not even be a factor? But it is, it really is. I am truly mindfucked by things that have controlled me for so dam long and breaking free of them is really turning out to be one of the most difficult things I am faced with. Just when I think I have found freedom, I realise that I’m so deep in this controlled lifestyle that the little bit of freedom I have found doesn’t even cover the tip of the iceberg of freedom and now I have to find a way to break these chains that I didn’t even see in the first place.
Wish me luck, this is going to be an interesting year of big happy changes.
The truth is: I want to quit often, but I can’t… not only because I have little eyes that look up to me, or because I have a pattern of not completing certain things… I can’t quit because if I do, it means I give in to the voice that tells me I can’t do it, then I will never do anything. I have to keep pushing through all my fears because if I don’t my life will fall into a dark space that I know only too well. I can’t allow myself into that space because getting out of it is really tough and sometimes feels impossible, especially when you are drowning in the darkness that many give into.
The truth is: I am afraid often, but I can’t stop pushing through my fears because the feeling of being on the other side of a conquered fear is indescribable. The freedom of not letting fear kick your ass is the most rewarding feeling of freedom you will have. It’s how you free yourself one fear at a time in the realm of complete freedom from everything that holds you back.
The truth is: Bad habits linger in the background, they never 100 % go away, they wait for you in the dark corners, ready to pounce as soon as you are struggling, but you can’t allow them back in, and if you do, you have to remember why you stopped in the first place. You have to keep working at your positive reinforcements that got you to push those habits out in the first place.
The truth is: NOBODY is perfect, nobody ever will be perfect and if you expect perfection in people you are going to be dissapointed. Holding others to a high standard is a reflection of the standard you hold yourself to. I have no issues with high standards, but perfection is impossible, so stop looking for it and instead look for happiness, joy, love and peace in people and therin you will find what you are looking for.
The truth is: I want more, but I know that in order to get to where I what to be I have to work harder than I have worked before. That to whom much is given much is required and the responsibility of more can sometimes be overwhelming. Where I am now is preparing me for my next step and I have to conquer this stage before I can move to the next.
The truth is: you are a reflection of your inner thoughs and beliefs and if you are internally dark and damaged then your external life will reflect that in some way shape or form. But its not impossible to rectify darkness and fill those gaping holes with light and love.
The truth is: Nobody truly know the point of it all, we try to understand as best as we can. We look for God in the only ways we know how and we search for redemption the only way we know how. Religion separates us more than it brings us together, but God is love and he unifies us in ways beyond our understanding.
The truth is: Sometimes I’m confused about what it is I should be doing and sometimes its crystal clear. So why is there doubt? Which direction do I follow? The truth is the only direction to follow is the one inside of me, my inner feeling of this feels right or this feels wrong. Thats the direction I am meant to go.
The truth is: Nobody actually knows what the truth actually is, we are all just winging it through life, doing the best we can with the information that we have been given, whether it be correct information or incorrect information.
It’s easy to sit on the outside and watch in making comments about what people should and should not be doing. The real test is when you are faced with the same situations and if you take your own advice, or do you cower away. I never write about things I have not experienced for myself, or just how I see a possible path to be the most likely one for me. I couldn’t possibly be throwing information into the world about experiences I have not yet had. That being said I would like to say that it’s easier said than done. Life is tough, these lessons are tough and the solutions are not going to come easily. You have to actively want to make the changes and find the answers for there to be any hope.
It’s not easy to have difficult conversations with people, especially if we love them, and sometimes choosing to ignore a problem seems like the better option. I wish someone taught me healthy self expression at a younger age. It would have made my life so much easier. Learning how to express myself in a healthy way has become my greatest blessing. Communicating with those I care about regarding both positive and negative feelings have created a path of peace for me. It still makes some members of my family a little uncomfortable though and I’m also still selective with who gets to know my true feelings and who doesn’t. I still maintain that NOT EVERYBODY deserves certain parts of you. But those people that do get to see the real me, the ones that get the inside scoop to my diary version, those are the ones I reserve for intimate conversations. You may only fit on one hand, but I don’t believe I need to expose myself to everyone, only those that genuinley are there. Real life requires real conversations. If they leave because you have a conversation, you are better off without them, friendships, family and romantic relationships. You should be able to express yourself with your inner circle and they should be able to equally share with you too, without anybody running away. Lifetime friendships/relationships are reserved for those that are willing to stick through both the good and the bad times. Those are the relationships worth keeping.
I used to be afraid to share how I really felt with people close to me because I was afraid they would leave. The fear of them leaving literally paralized me to silence. Healing that wound and finding the root of the problem was vital, it has allowed me the freedom of expressing myself and my concerns and also accepting that those who leave have chosen to do so out of their own and it has no reflection on who I am as a person. I need to remember that when I am unhappy in situations I too have left them, and so I should allow others to do the same without me placing my happiness or well being on their shoulders. It’s so sad how childhood experiences get carried into our adult choices without us even realising it. It’s also easy to blame those childhood experiences for every bad or negative experience. As adults, it’s our responsibility to heal the wounds that hold us back and to push ourselves past our fears. We can never live a full life in the shadows of our past. Finding solutions and accepting help from others with regards to your emotional growth is so important.
Nothing lasts forever, people change, things are not meant to stay the same. Embracing change is one of the most important lessons I have learnt and not holding on to things or people because nothing and nobody actually belongs to me. In the end, when my life transitions to its next phase, I will leave everything here, with the living, so why hold on so tightly.
I used to look for love in all the wrong places, because I didnt really understand how to love and how to be loved. I struggled with receiving love from friends and family because, well… life. I’m not gonna go into how I should have had this and didn’t have that, and blame people that should have given me x and gave me y instead. No, because who I am today is a direct result of everything that I have lived in my past. How I love now is a direct result of how I couldn’t love back then.
Lets not confuse what I’m discussing as romantic love. To me romance happens naturally based on a mutual connection that grows and it takes time to evolve into what you can call being “In Love”. You can’t be in love with someone that you dont know. You can be in lust with them, attracted to them yes, but romantic love… it takes time, and work, along with a solid foundation of understanding and respecting each other for who each person truly is. Jumping in the sack doesn’t mean love, kissing doesn’t mean love. Love is more than physical attributes and hotness levels of the other human. Does he or she make and effort, do they show up, do they keep promises, are they consistent and do they ensure that you are confident in your place and position in their lives?
OK. Back to what I’m actually talking about, love in general. People get awkward around love? Why? If I love you, it means you hold a special place in my heart and I cherish the relationship we have and the person you are. Telling the people that you love how you feel strengthens relationships. Why do we wait till death or sickness to realise how we could have shared more and loved more openly. The world needs to open their hearts more. Love surrounds us all, lets embrace it and open our hearts more. The ocean is filled with love, the trees, flowers and even animals. Why do we choose not to emerse ourselves with this overflow of happiness and instead drown our lives in stress, anger and awkwardness. If you are with the right people you can relax because you know that they have got you.
Let go of the past by embracing now. Forgive those that hurt you and free yourself of the hold they have over you. Love is so much better than playing games with life. One day your life will end and how will you be remembered? Will you have been loved or will you be resented.
Just live your life with love. Fill it up with everything around you and be your best. I personlly love my tribe, I would not change them for anything!!
Today is my last day to be in my 30’s. Tomorrow is a new decade for me, my new chapter, the next leg of my life. I am truly being tested though, with many things being placed in front of me to try and shift my peace, but I am not that weak, and the world needs to know that when peace is rooted deep inside your soul, no amount of tugging can move it. I will always stay rooted in the peace that I have fought so hard to find.
Yes sometimes I am stirred by people’s behaviour and want to react, but I seem to have mastered pulling myself together. No amount of testing is going to get a reaction out of me… Not today. You probably thinking what is going on? She’s rambling but not telling us. Let’s just say; people sometimes seem to go on power trips and want to control other people… I am not a person that responds well to people trying to control me in any way. I am grown, I control myself. You don’t see me out there controlling what other people do.
So I find myself having to breath through this day, to remember who I am and how I react is in my control ALWAYS. Shrugging off negativity and embracing the positive is what I choose. Embracing NOW and appreciating NOW, because tomorrow is never promised, only today, only NOW. I am blessed and one power driven person does not get to shift my focus or my peace.
Thank you all for taking the time out of your lives to share this time with me. I appreciate you.
3 years ago I made a choice between a deskjob and my sanity. I chose my sanity. I knew the risk was great, I was giving up a stable job with benefits for the unknown. Yes I saved and planned to take a year off to find myself in the chaos of this world. 3 years later I can say it was definately the best decision I had ever made. The career change was drastic and the satisfaction in the challenges I am faced with makes every day worth it.
I want to say ‘look at me now’, look at the staircase of my life, each step I take in an upward direction, making moves and changes and just embracing life as it comes. Walking through doors that once scared me into silence and speaking at tables I was once not even invited to sit at. I may not be where I want to be as yet, but I certainly am on my way. I may not have found what I am looking for just yet, but I have found so much more along this path that is true to who I am and my purpose.
People put so much pressure on themselves when they feel that they cant, instead of realising that even what seems impossible is worth a try because you never know what you might find at the end of that can’t once you change into “let me try”.
It’s taken a village to open my eyes, a tribe of people that I celebrated in my previous post. Each one contributing in their own way to showing me love, light and helping me find my way. Next week I turn 40, it’s a new chapter for me. It’s a new direction for me and it’s my time to take everything that I have been pushing to learn and to start enjoying the rewards for a while.
One of the members of my tribe gave me this to think on, and I dont know if he realises the impact he has when he says these things but here it is: ” you 40 cause man made up that time frame. Although you cant change it on your ID you dont have to let it change how you think or feel“… Mind absolutely blown! This human seriously throws me into some deep waters when I’m feeling a little shallow.
Here I am celebrating my tribe again. They have no age limits, or personality requirements, some are 20, others are retired. None of this matters because very single human in my space and in my life has everything I need and more no matter which side of the age line they happen to fall. None of it matters, I love them all, I treasure them all and I would not be here today if not for them.
My 30’s chapter is coming to a close, it was a learning chapter, a growing chapter and a chapter of change. It was the chapter that I put so much work into healing that it changed me. It was was one of the most important chapters that I have lived through so far. Who knows what 40 will bring? I dont know but I can tell you that its gonna be one hell of a ride. One week left of 30’s, presents coming in already… let the celebrations begin!
Live your best life! Who cares how old you are, dont stop for anyone!
When I look around I notice how things have changed for me. The world hasn’t changed much, it’s still the same place it was back in the day, but I have changed. My life has changed, my mind has changed. I am no longer that person that I was back then. My default is no longer anger and pain, there are alot more smiles and I’m genuinely at a place of peace. Every now and then I’m reminded that I am still a work in progress, and not to get too confident in this new place of peace, because deep down I am still processing through the pain of the past and layer by layer I tackle each item as my mind is able to unfold them.
I realise that the difference between inner confidence and outer confidence shows only when you allow people into your intimate space. From the outside looking in people will see a strong and confident woman when they see me. They will not see the inner flaws that I battle with on a daily basis, because it’s not for them to see. I think part of the reason I havent settled down as yet is because I haven’t trusted anyone enough to let them in. I mean I can let you in the door, sure and show you around the living room of my life, I can even let you in my bedroom and show you some intimate parts of who I actually am. But will I let you read my diary? Are you worthy of best friend material? Can I trust you with the most delicate and intimate details of myself and also trust that you wont use this to hurt me one day? This is the risk I hadn’t been able to take since I was 25 years old.
You see I did it once, the love thing, the 7 year relationship that moulded me for the longest time. In fact I spent my best years loving someone, who in the end made the choice to not be loyal and to live a double life. I dwelled on this for so long that it started to turn me into a cold, disconnected person. In turn took me down a path of destructive encounters, I can’t say relationships, because can you even call it a relationship when you didn’t let them into those parts of you that requires openness an connection in order to be in an actual reltionship? So the ‘encounters’ I had were pretty destructive, and the one ‘encounter’ that I actually felt could have been more, turned out to be the perfect one for me to sabotage because my fear of closeness and of actually being loved was just greater than my desire for it.
When you are so afraid of pain, that you harden yourself to feeling intimacy and you steal from yourself huge pieces of life that you could have lived, but instead chose to hide in the comfort of your distance to others. It’s easy to avoid love connections when you have a solid friendship base and you are busy raising a little human. It never really gets to the point of lonliness until that solid friendship foundation is ripped from under you. It’s been just over 5 years now that I lost my friend to a car accident, and until she was gone I didn’t really understand the need to want to share my life with someone in the form of a partner because I shared my life with her. For as long as I can go back all my memories or most of them had her with me. We did most things together and when her time here was over, I had this missing piece that I know I can never replace. But realised it’s the trust that I lost, the closeness, the ability to bare my soul and still be loved through my imperfections. I realise that she filled the gap. When I lost my trust in romantic relationships, she filled that gap through a close friendship. So even though I was unable to trust in romance, I was never alone, ever.
Her leaving the world has forced me to face my fears and to actually allow people in, and I have. I have found peace with myself and who I am and I am no longer holding the world at an arms length. I have had to learn to love myself enough to let people love me. Do you know how tough that is for a guarded person? To break down the walls of the past is a process, that I would go through over and over again to get to this point of peace and love within myself. The turmoil one feels with being guarded is painful and can be lonely, not to mention alot of work because you find yourself doing everything on your own. Not allowing others to help, goodness what a tiring way to live! I’m grateful to have this new perspective, one that allows others in, one that understands that imperfections come with being human, but your tribe will embrace you as you are and those imperfections become the thing that makes you perfect to them.
Find your tribe, open yourself to love, open yourself to happiness, open yourself to peace and live your life free from the chains of your past.
One of the lessons I learned this weekend is not to wait for other people to lift you up or get you moving, you have to snatch up the opportunities as they come or you will miss out on so much. Another lesson is, if you surround yourself with trustworthy consistent people then you can trust that they will be consistent in the role that they play in your life or that their friendship/relationship with you is never something you have to doubt.
If you have been promised something by an individual that doesn’t deliver and you get offerered assistance by someone else, you cannot hold onto the undelivered promise; especially if they have let you down continuously. You have to put yourself first and walk through the doors that open for you. Life will continue to open doors that you are ready to walk through, fear will always do its best to hold you back and make you doubt yourself. You have to push through the fear.
People that consistently let you down or keep you waiting are not people that respect you or your time. Surround yourself with humans that appreciate you and the time you set aside to be with them. This way when you do spend time with people, it’s always time well spent and worth every minute. I may only have a handful of people I allow in my intimate circle now, but they are a well chosen few and I’m so blessed to have them.
My cup runs over, thank you for all the blessings.
We are not built to live in isolation. Humans are social beings. being isolated can open gates to many unnecesary dark corners in your mind that feed off each other and cause people to do things they would not have normally done if they were not so isolated from the world.
I’m writing about this because I have isolated myself many times and I find that it’s in those periods of isolation that my dark moments come out more regularly than they should. I begin to feed off my negativity and it is a dangerous space to be in. Having someone to share your life with is so vital to our well being. In the form of friends, family or partners. There has to be a level of interaction and love in our lives for us to function on a healthy level.
When my person past away I was lost for a very long time. I was lucky to have surrounded myself with more than one friendship to lean on when my heart was broken, because they carried me through the pain of losing a vital person in my life. I went into darkness regularly and was pulled out by love and support of friends and family. I don’t even want to think about what could have happened had I not had such a strong support base.
If you are alone, I wish you could understand that you dont have to be. There people out there that reach out and want to share themselves with you. You just have to open your heart to the possibilities of allowing a person into your space. We are not built for living alone, it has this habit of driving us insane. Isolation is used as a punishement, so why do we punish ourselves by isolating ourselves from the world and all the love it has to offer. Yes there is eveil, but if you look for evil you will find evil, if you look for good then good people will find you. Give yourself a chance and reach out, it will make the world of a difference in your life.
Everybody needs somebody, even those people that think they are good on their own. Open your heart to the love of the world and the love of the world will surround you with hugs in the form of warmth and beauty. Let mother earth hug you with her warmth and share her love with you.
I’ve being trying to do better with opening myself up to new and different possibilities for a while now. So far it’s taken me to places I’ve never been before and it has me bonding with people I would never have given a chance before. It has also helped me to open my eyes to the general nature of people outside of my norm and I realsied that people are generally kind and considerate in nature with the odd exeption obviously. However the majority seem have a general kindness in them helping me to understand that if you are surround by judgy unkind people you are in an unnatural environment and should remove yourself from that. Especially if you find yourself becoming like them.
Looking outside of your usual boundaries can be scary yes, I would know because I found comfort in my negative space and to have to recieve love and warmth was very uncomfortable for me for the longest time. A gentleman was assumed to be flirting because guys were only nice if they wanted something in my old life, until I stepped out of it and realised that being nice was just a part of having a good nature. I could be nice without people assuming it was because I wanted something. Do you know how long it took me to get out of this mindset. It’s so sad to know that there are good people living in bad environments that mask their goodness to the point of invisibility and all they allow the world to see is this hard exterior that refuses to crack. All in the name of self preservation, survival and protection. The closed doors that they face all because they cannot open themselves up to vulnerability. It makes me look at the world I grew up in and just want to shout from the mountain tops that its ok to love, not everyone is that guy or that girl or that friend that did you wrong. The pain isn’t forever, you dont have to protect yourself from EVERYONE. There are so many amazing humans that will love you if you just let them. And that is where the key to the door lies, you have to let them. You cant pretend like you dont need anyone and inside be screaming for love and affection. You have to give love and affection and it will find its way to you in ten fold. You have to let the doors be opened and allow your life to progress. You have to push your boundaries, get on that flight and find and adventure. Meet new people, learn new cultures and just embrace what the world has to offer. If you stay where you are, you will never learn more than what you see around you everyday. You have to look for new things and find new ways to earn your way through life. You have to push past what holds you back and push towards more. Because there is more out there, more of everything you dream of. You just have to believ in yourself and go for it.
Live you life with more in mind, always. Be better, do better, live better.
Sometimes I look at the world and think, what is the point of all of this. We can’t all just be here running around trying to pay bills and impress everyone with untruths. When you get down to the nitty gritty of your life, have you ever really wondered why you are here? Does there even have to be a why? Can it all just be pointless? I met someone a few years back that truly believes everything is pointless. How do you live a full happy life when you believe that nothing matters? How does that level of emptiness actually feel? Convincing yourself that you are free of burden by believing that nothing matters. OK if nothing matters why do you do everything in your power to keep your kids alive? Or to keep your pets alive? Or why do you water your plants? Why bother getting up in the morning to earn a living if none of it actually matters?
I cannot allow myself to fall into this trap of non belief. What I believe is that we have built in internal systems for a reason. Fight or flight reflexes for a reason. We have to follow our natural instincts and our internal guide to find our way and to stay alive. We use it to protect our families, for a reason. we may not have the reason but we cannot go through this life believing that its pointless, because if it was then we all mights well not bother to eat, drink or move and just die. We eat food and drink water for a reason – to live. We protect our families because we have a built in connection to them, its called love. We get up and do everything we can to survive and to live our best lives because we want to be successful for our families more than for ourselves. We take care of trees, because they give us Oxygen and we will die without them. If it was pointless then we wouldn’t need to bother because dying would just be one of those things, but its not. When someone dies we feel sadness and loss, because we have a connection to them somehow. Just because we cant explain it doesnt mean it isn’t there. All you have to do is pay close attention to feeling the world around you, closing your eyes and taking the time to connect to yourself, to nature, to life for you to know that everything has a purpose, there is a reason and nothing is pointless.
There is a lesson in every failure, making failure useful. There is satisfaction in being surrounded by love and knowing you belong. Everything is full of purpose, you just have to look deeper, stop being distracted by unnatural things, social media is not life, without it you will not die. Trees are life though, without them you will certainly die. Learn to appreciate the beauty of the world around you, the purpose of each LIVING thing and connect yourself to them. Surely this way, you simply cannot believe that there is no point. When you see how connected we all are, how we need each other to survive, how our energies move from one to another and how we can share positive energy with someone who needs it.
You just have to stop for longer than a minute, to breathe and connect or you will miss it and what a sad thing that will be if you go through this life missing all the beauty that we have been given for free.
I was introduced to my first Salsa festival in November 2016 when I was convinced to attend the Cape Town Salsa Festival with a group of Durban dancers who are now more family to me than anything. It was nothing I could have imagined and everything I didnt know I wanted! I had zero dance experience and still mangaed to have the best time because people in this community are very welcoming to absolute beginners. It’s very refreshing to see.
Since then I’ve done a few more local Festivals like the Mzanzi Jozi weekender (Mar 2017), Annual Ahora sea weekender at the Johannesburg Country Club (November 2017), International Akoma Dance Spirit Festival in Johannesburg (Aug 2018), Johannesburg Afrolatin Festival (March 2019), Mambo City in London UK (May 2019) and my last festival was Croatia Summer Salsa festival in Rovinj (June 2019). My biggest regret of 2019 was not being able to attend the Mother City Dance festival in Cape Town because it was one that I held close to my heart and I heard it was off the chain! 2020 Mother City festival is not negotiable I cant miss it again!
It seems I have become a festival junkie… It should say something to you about the energy one experiences in these types of environments. Not everyone has the experience I have, I know, but I can only share with you my experience to be truly authentic.
My next festival will be a repeat of the Johannesburg Afrolatin festival! ( you can find all information here: https://www.afrolatinfestival.co.za )Why am I doing this festival again you ask! Have a read on my previous post called influencers I wrote on 18 March 2019 (here is the link for your ease of access https://tamstame.com/2019/03/18/influencers/). I didn’t focus so much on the dancing because the impacts that were made on me at this specific festival were more internal and self improvement moments were had. This year with all the internal work that I have put into myself, I can now attempt to focus on actually doing this dancing thing properly and not making excuses for my lack of knowledge or ability anymore… It’s simple, I need to focus on the musicality (which I can begin to learn at this weekend), I need to find my own ways to express myself, I need to get out of my head and last but certainly not least I need to practice! I dont aim to be a professional dancer that has a career in dancing, my interest is purely on a social basis, but if I’m gonna hang with this crew I HAVE TO UP MY GAME. Coz boy are they not waiting for me they are flying by!
Everyone has a process that they have to follow for their individual situation, my process has been a complicated one, but certainly not an impossible one. The key to my 2020 year is to finish and to not throw in the towel because its out of my comfort zone. Yes it’s difficult, but it’s not impossible. This doesn’t apply to dance only, it applies to everything outside of my comfort zone. My internal struggles that happen in my mind. 2019 was my year of placement, 2020 is my year of using where I have been placed to the fullness of it’s capacity in ALL aspects of my life. Career wise, in how I mother my daughter, in learning to dance and in my travel opportunities. I just want to stop wasting momentes that I could use based on fear or embarrassment. I look at 2019 and so much was handed to me that I didnt fully utilise, I could have grown so much more if it wasn’t for fear of being in the spotlight. This year even if I make a fool of myself I will not shy away from the challenges thrown at me. Starting from today, challenge accepted is no longer just on my weight or in my videos or my writing. It’s extended to everything that challenges me, that stirs a little bit of fear in me… I accept the challenge that life throws at me. To everyone who will see this as an opportunity to be a negative force and amuse yourself in my challenges, let me help you now by saying I accept your challenge anyway and I hope that the darkness in your heart that pushes you to hurt others will be outshined by the light I hold in me to help others.
To all my South African readers, if you have never attended a dance festival, I guarentee you that you will have an out of this world experience! Check out the links provided and grab yourself a weekend of PROPER dancing and entertainment! Don’t fret if you dont know how, there are local schools in your area that can teach you a thing or 2 in the next few weeks and there are also beginners classes at the festival for those of you that are just having a looksy. Trust me, it”s worth every cent that you will spend!
For my international readers, if you ever needed a reason to visit our beautiful country, this would be one of them, come and experience the vibrance of the South African Dance community doing what they love and sharing it with everyone who dares to show some interest.
Lets challenge ourselves in 2020 and for all the years to come. Dont be stuck in your comfort zone, you only have this life so live it to the fullest while you have breath in your body. Find where your heart is happy and then do as much of that thing as you can. For me its dancing, for you it could be anything else.
Live your life in the midst of the things and the people that bring you happiness!
It’s been so long since I’ve actually dated that I don’t think I remember how anymore. I’ve run out of excuses now and realise that fear of sharing me intimately with another is not going to overcome itself, I have to actually try. Also by intimately I don’t mean sex, to those who define intimacy as a physical characteristic. Also; I’ve done the “be alone” work in 2018 when I took time from dating (so yes I took time off to be alone on purpose), then in 2019 I dipped my toe into a little situation that ended up opening Pandora’s box in the form of every insecurity and fear that I had hidden inside of me and forced me to face them ALL at once. It was an internal storm that I needed to experience to resolve so many issues I had developed over the years of my life. I think it closed me off even more to the possibility of intimacy for a very long time, but opened my eyes to the many things I have yet to heal and have already healed in myself. I realised that all these disasters have nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with where I am in my life and what I am allowing in my space!
So this post is about healing and overcoming brokenness as you have possibly realised by now. It’s inevitable that your heart will break at some point in your life, even if you found the one at 12 and married him and lived happily ever after. Life still happens and hearts still break. So if you are that person that have their happily ever after, I send love and light into your life for the rest of your days.
Now let’s move onto the rest of us, the ones that tried and failed. the ones that failed even before they could try and the ones that didn’t even know how to try and ended up broken and alone.
Can I begin by acknowledging that you are whole! Even alone, you are whole. Whether you have been broken down, trampled on, abused, rejected, neglected or even thrown away; you are still whole! The emptiness you feel inside is not because you need another half, it’s because you have some darkness that has cast a shadow over your light. Yes, you thought he loved you and you glowed with everything from within because you felt like HE was your everything, so you gave him all of your power… now he is gone and it seems like he has taken a part of you with him, right? WRONG… All of you is still with you! No matter how much pain you are in, you are still in one piece, you have just momentarily allowed another to cast their shadow over you but if you just take a few steps forward, away from his or her darkness into your own light you will see that he/she hasn’t taken a single thing from you, but instead has given you the freedom to find your light again… it may take a while, I agree this is not a fairy tale where everything falls in your lap. No, you have to cry the tears , feel the pain, acknowledge the hurt, understand that it was never about you, people do what they do because of their own desires, so you have to let the guilt of what you could have done go and you have to ask yourself what can you do now to heal and improve your life and make better choices. Let the crazy out if you have to, don’t hold back your emotions because you think you might offend somebody. Sometimes releasing all the frustration you feel inside is key to your healing process. Every situation is different, every person is different, nobody heals the same way, but you have to find a way! The freedom of healing after brokenness is like standing on a mountain top with your arms open wide and taking a deep breath, with the wind blowing through your hair and the clouds around you as you look down on the world and just exhale allowing peace to overcome your mind, body and soul.
Overcoming emotional pain is one the most difficult things you will have to encounter, but overcome it you certainly can. Can we please clarify though, that overcoming does not mean sweep under a carpet and pretend it didn’t happen, because it did happen and you have an obligation to yourself to acknowledge that it happened and to face the pain. Give it a stern look in the eye (or in the mirror because you are talking to yourself here) and tell it that your light will overcome this darkness, no matter how long it takes! Stare it right in the eye and declare victory over it before it gets a chance to sink its teeth into your soul and seep its darkness into you. If it’s already taken a chunk or 2 and you feel like you are half a person remind yourself that you are created to heal, if you are not dead you are capable of healing and no amount of pain or trauma can defeat you once you declare victory over it… There are people with no legs and no arms that have declared victory over their lives and are winning! Here you are, all of your limbs, all of your senses and losing a battle that others are fighting with not even 1/4 of what you have! You have to pick your head up, you have to stare that shit right in the face and you have to tell it that the ride is over, it’s time to get off the bus and walk yourself to safety, to love, to light.
I write these words because I lived them, more than once. I write these words because I too at some point felt that giving up was an option until I realised that it wasn’t. It’s taken me over 10 years to unravel the pain and suffering in my heart caused by the turmoil of what was meant to be love. It’s taken me even longer to heal from the pain of another’s actions violating my body and then leaving me to face the world in shame. I write these words and tears fill my eyes because I know the sharpness and the depth of pain that we have had to face or will have to face in the future, and I feel with you the suffering of a broken spirit. I know the fight you will have to fight, the wars you will face within yourself. I also know that you can do this! You have to find the glimmer of light that nobody can extinguish but your maker, you have to look inside yourself until you find it! Then you have to nurture that glimmer of light and love it and appreciate it until it grows and shines and pushes the darkness out. You have to do it, because if you don’t you will drown and you will be defeated, not because you are weak, but because you didn’t even try. Give yourself a chance, lift your head up high and you look yourself in the eye and you declare victory over whatever situation you find yourself in! Then forward march into the battle of overcoming your own darkness and watch how the light in you will take over and push you to levels you didn’t even once imagine were possible!
I believe in you, because once I didn’t believe in me and now I believe not only in myself but in you as well. Because if I can do it you can too.
It’s my first post of the year and I’m really excited to get back into it, my break was well deserved and I am truly blessed to have had the opportunity to enjoy such a magnificent festive season. I hope that you all were out there living your best lives this festive and staying true to you! If not, its never to late to try and make those changes because every day brings you to new beginnings and a fresh new start.
I chose to enter my 2020 year in high energy and the New year squad was just what I needed. Positive energy vibes all around me, full support in every aspect of who I am, and just plain reallness. Teary speeches, leaving my mascara running down my face but, no problem because we had a make up rescue genius on hand. Look, it’s so important to surround yourself with positive energy, but also to know that if for a moment you have a small hiccup and a song decides to tug at your heartstrings in public, that the same level of energy is put into caring hugs and warm smiles so that the dip of energy lasts just for a moment. When they let you feel what you are feeling and immediately pick you up by just being themselves… this is what friendship is. This is what I have surrounded myself with! Good people, living their best lives, making changes to themselves and to the world one moment at a time.
My life has made a full postive turnaround, if I think of where I was 5 years ago and 5 years before that and even before that the growth in me has been exponetial and at one point last year I panicked because I felt like everything was happening way too quickly, but all it took was a breathing moment and for me to allow myself to feel and express myself instead of avoiding it. I didn’t believe in Tammy back then, now I am my greatest supporter, I know that with hard work and determination everything is possible. If I learn to celebrate the little things before I know it, all those little things add up to a huge step in the right direction. To this day people have negative things to throw at me, the difference now is that I don’t take them to heart anymore and their words move past me so quickly that I hardly even notice. You teach people how to treat you and if someone is treating you badly the only response is to remove yourself from their negative space, that way they will have the opportunity to either see the error of their ways or to continue spewing negative everything somewhere else.
2019 was an amazing year and 2020 is going to be an even better one. TO BIG HAPPY CHANGES was the cheers/toast to our new year! I’m all about fresh starts and new beginnings, I don’t care if you use the beginning of the year as a reason or the beginning of a month. Just as long as you start somewhere, no matter how small, because everything counts in the the long run. I’m so excited to see what this year will unfold for everyone and I cant wait to watch the people around me grow into themselves and find success in who they are. It’s going to be spectacular just to be a part of and to witness!
It’s Christmas eve and the world has pulled out all the stops in preparation for tomorrow. Some people are rushing through last minute shopping, others are home prepping for the meals they have planned, others have to work and are at their respective jobs, just doing what they need to do in order to survive, wishing they were home but understanding the importance of being employed and committing themselves to the tasks they have promised to fulfill. Then there are people who are alone, with nobody to celebrate with, some are homeless and others have been abandoned by their loved ones and others have lost loved ones and long for their presence, holding onto the memories for dear life.
This christmas while you celebrate, lets be joyful and full of cheer. Lets also be kind to EVERYONE not just those we see fit for kindness. It’s a time for love and hope, so create hope where you can and spread love how you can. It may even change your life! It’s so important to be mindful of others even in our time of celebration, because not everyone has what you have and not everyone is as strong as you are. Give more, live more, love more, laugh more and sing more this Christmas.
Travel safely to all your destinations and have an absolute blast! Merry Christmas everyone! It’s time to rest up re-assess our lives and plan for the future. Lets be better next year, lets do more and live larger!
It seems dance will always be a part of me and curiosity definitely keeps me close by, no matter what challenges I may or may not face it always brings me in full circle right back to dancing! It’s only those that have a love for something that will truly understand how it feels to have something connect to you in ways that nothing else does! As you all have gathered by now writing is my number 1 love and that is why you are here because I believe that sharing my love for everything life is vital in this world! So I’d like to offer an extension to those who share my 2nd love … dance, to find something special in the New Year, something they wont regret!
Dance may be my 2nd love next to writing but it definitely is the heart and soul of Mambo City’s Jean and Robert White! These two are amazing at what they do! Organising events to bring dance communities together and not only teach dance but also live through dance. Earlier this year for the first time ever Mambo City held an event called Mambo Con Son. It was first of its kind, different to their many, many events that they have held over the years. This event was unique in the sense that the Weekend was for dancers who dance On2, want to learn On2, or want to connect to the timing and rhythm of Son. They brought together some of the leading dancers in the world of Cuban and New York Dance and their workshops used live percussion to aid with understanding of the rhythms and timing.
The event was so successful that they decided to do it again next year, January to be exact and the response has been through the roof! It’s clear why though; focusing on just On2 is not something that is common and assisting On1 students with the transition between the 2 is not always the easiest, so a weekend like this is truly important, not only for the students who wish to transition but also for those that love On2 and just wanna splurge without having to give in to the occasional dance partner who isn’t familiar at all. Lessons with live percussions are magical, as they teach you the elements of the music as well; I experienced this previously and found it to assist me with understanding the music more than I did previous to the lessons!
I personally would give my left toe to be able to share this experience with Mambo City because it sounds simply out of this world amazing! I had a look at the line-up and boy is everybody in for a treat! They have Maykel Fonts & Sylvia Chapelli, Adolfo Indacochea & Lorenita, Tania Cannarsa, Osbanis Tejeda & Anneta Kepka, Anne &Anichi, Delia Madera, Luanda Pau Baquero, Damarys & Juan Carlos, DJ Julian The Duke, DJ Rumbero, DJ Dmitri, DJ Tuli, Abu (Pachanga) Gibril, Julian Summers and Olu Kongi. Look I may be biased because some of my favourites appear on this list, but let me just say that this weekend will definately be worth every cent and all the effort to get there! I recommend getting your tickets ASAP and planning your trip if you are not located in London. I see no better way to start the New year than with a fresh dose of Con Son!
Your excitement should be through the roof because these kinds of weekends really do make a huge difference to your progression in dance, whether you are still crawling like me or flying like the listed stars of the weekend, it always pays off to take the time to invest in your self and your love for everything dance and music. So if I have made your feet itchy and you just have to go and see what I’m on about I suggest you go to http://mamboson.co.uk where you will find all of the information that you need! Book your tickets through Eventbrite (which you also find on http://mamboson.co.uk ) and plan your first weekend of January (03rd to 06th Jan 2020) to be one filled with the chemistry of dance! It will absolutely blow your mind!
You can also find all the information you need about Mambo city on http://salsadance.co.uk feel free to browse and feed your curiosity. You will not be dissapointed!
P.S. I wrote this piece because Robert and Jean are two of the most genuine souls I know, and I honestly believe that taking the time to share this experience with them will be an investment to not only your dancing but to your soul.
I have wanted to give up on my dreams oh so many times, because its really tough to hang in there and push through the hard times. Nobody ever really wants to admit that they struggle, they prefer to just silently suffer in the darkness of their minds; some never break through but there are some that always do. Have you ever found yourself in total admiration of the strength and determination that those who push through their pain and come out on the other side acquire.
People often look at the rich and famous and think; how lucky they are! If you look closely you will realise that it has nothing to do with luck at all, most of them are just average people like you and I who have pushed so hard against the grain that they eventually made it through to the other side. They didn’t give up, they cried their tears, slept in their cars, moved in with their mothers, slept on peoples couches and even went hungry before they got to where they are now. I love how their stories are now told to help others going through hard times in order to motivate them to push through. It’s important to share you progress if you know it will help others come closer to finding themselves.
When I was growing up I didn’t really have anyone to help me push through my pain, as a result I dwelled in it for the first 25 years of my life. I just accepted fate to be what I had percieved it to be. I was not surrounded by people who lifted me up and pushed me in ways that I responded to. I did however find it fascinating how people who had nothing, broke through and found something in themselves to work with even when it seemed like they had nothing. It was definately too good to be true. I dont want to mention any names because there are just too many to mention, and I dont care how many haters there are in the world, because when I hear the success stories of others and I see how the world has a way of giving you what you ask for in its time not in your time, but you still get what you ask for in some way, shape or form. It’s so difficult to believe in yourself when everyone around you keeps telling you its impossible, who do you think you are and why on earth you would want to do something so ridiculous. I’ve learned that the people closest to you will be your greatest deterent, they will tell you everything you DON’T need to hear and then a complete stranger will come your way and say everything you need to hear in a positve light and help you to keep pushing through.
It’s all about knowing your pain, accepting your pain and then healing it through forgiveness, peace and understanding. Knowledge is key, you must know your enemy before you can destroy it, don’t just go in blindly and hope for the best. It’s not easy to do the actual work on yourself, nothing is, but as you rid yourself of one bad habit at a time, one dark space at a time, one bad relationship at a time, you will find that over a few years of building yourself up and pushing your pain out that you have the clear mind to start creating a new foundation, one that isn’t build on pain anymore but on peace , love and joy; one that has a full understanding of what you intend to build and therefore is structured to hold everything your dreams are made of. Sounds amazing, I know, but first youhave to clear out the clutter, push out the dirt and breathe in the fresh airomas of a clean slate.
Push through your pain, find your peace and heal your wounds, know who you are when you come out on the other side and then live everyday being that person, no matter who tells you not to.
Allowing yourself to process a disagreement is really vital to your growth and understanding of yourself. It’s when we overlook the confusion or the pain and pretend that it doesn’t exist, that we create a negative space for darkness to grow in our hearts. I was inspired to write about this because I had an experience yesterday that opened my eyes to something I mostly overlooked.
Meeting new people can be a smooth ride or a bumpy one, depending on the circumstances. Due to my life experiences I have always found it easier to just remove someone when I feel that they are not in alignment with my journey, what I failed to realise that in some instances it’s important to also have the uncomfortable conversation with that person if they are important to you and try to see where their hearts are actually at. Maybe if they hear what you have to say they will actually understand and instead of losing a person you will gain a stronger relationship. I have been removing myself from people’s lives without even giving them the opportunity to defend themselves or even telling them how I feel so they can be made aware of why I removed myself.
I am grateful to have been called out yesterday by a new friend, where I was ready to pull myself out completely and not even think twice, and the question was raised… How are you going to deal with a relationship or a partnership in the future if you can’t discuss differences in opinion when they happen and you just ignore and go silent avoiding the situation entirely? I see the importance now of pushing through and having the courage to say what you feel and thereafter you can decide if the friendship or relationship is for you or not. I have walked out of too many friendships without a discussion, not because I couldn’t have one, but because I didn’t want to face the confrontation that could possibly create chaos for that moment. I see now that this is a cowardly thing to do and not only is it unfair to the other person but also to myself because I have been avoiding how I really feel about that person or situation and just “sweeping my feelings under the carpet”.
My eyes have been opened and my courage has been increased and I am really grateful to have this layer of truth exposed for now I have a responsibility to face confrontation instead of shying away from it. I truly believe that once you have the truth in your hands it’s your responsibility to follow that truth and to always keep it in your path to finding your true self and growing into the person you were created to become. Once you know a thing, you cannot UN-know that thing; it will forever change how you see the world to be.
I do still believe that respect goes a long way and just because you disagree with a person does not meant you have to be disrespectful towards them, because how you treat others really is a mere reflection of how you feel about yourself.
Live your life always respecting yourself and others.
I had no intention to write today, Mondays seem to have become the day I post on here especially since my inspiration has been low and my energy has been out of balance. Today I was scrolling through facebook and i realised so much is happenning around me, its my brothers birthday, my nephews no longer look like babies they are teenagers now, my friends are facing emotions I never thought they would face because they seem so together, some people that were close to me seem so far away now and then people that were far away have pulled themselves closer, people are dying, mothers are crying, others are celebrating life, travelling the world, dancing to their hearts content, the homeless guy of the corner that I greet and chat to every day when I stopped at his traffic light wasnt there today and I missed that smile and short conversation we have every morning.
So as I’m scrolling through facebook, literally looking at everyone elses lives, smiling at the accomplishments and feeling heartsore for those that have difficulties ahead of them, I decided to stop scrolling and take a short account of my life, to evaluate why I have cucooned myself in this protective bubble I find myself in when everyone else is out there clawing at everything to live, fighting to survive and here I am, complacent because something inside of me stopped fueling my fire. It was inside of me that the bubble formed, that I decided I’m safe here and I wont step out too much more, that I’ve pushed enough now and its time to stop. But look at the guy who stands at that traffic light every single day fighting to survive, and the man who I saw washing his face on the road because one of the pipes had burst and it was his ”gap” to get clean and feel fresh, he grabbed at the opportunity. He didn’t care that people could see, he cared that there was water and he could wash. Why am I so afraid to be who I am consisitently, to do what I need to do when the opportunity arises? When I know that its up to me to push, to fight and to create my own opportunities. The world offers me so much, doors are opened all the time, I knowso many people who would give their everything to be exposed to as much as I am exposed to, in both my working life and my personal life. Why am I not pushing more, why am I so afraid of success? Because its literally knocking on my door screaming for me to let it in???
Today as I sit here, I realise that everything I haven’t been doing, is not because I can’t do it, or because I dont know how, it’s because I’m afraid that once I do, theres no turning back and I’m terrified that I wont be ready; because to transition from being just someone who follows and goes with the flow to someone who leads because even in trying to be invisible my entire life I was not able to be invisible and now I have to just be who I was born to be and allow the natural progression of things to flow freely from my core without trying to contain it all in this bubble that I use as an excuse to hold myself back from being something greater that I could ever imagine.
You must be reading this and thinking what is she on and where can I get some!!! Hahaha, well it seems that today I broke through a layer of fear that has been holding me back and I have this feeling I should buckle up and brace myself because whats coming is going to be one hell of a ride! I’m gonna ride this wave confidently because I know who I am and theres just really no point in hiding myself anymore.
Thank you so much for being here, I absolutely love sharing myself with you and I really hope you enjoyed reading this post as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Live your life out of your bubble and keep pushing!
Opening yourself up to new people and to different things isn’t always as easy as it seems. For some of us it takes defying everything that we have installed in our current operating system (mind). There are very few people that I connect with on a real level. What I find is that whenever I do find such a person it is always someone that has the ability to push me to the next level. I don’t ask for these people to be sent into my life, but I’m truly grateful that they do.
If one attracts what they are, then the improvement in the state of my being has really grown exponentially over the last few years. I find myself in circles of positive people, filled with support of who I am and what I want to do; and I am distanced from those that criticize and put me down. This change is also not something that I asked for, but as I learned to love myself and improve myself, being around anyone that treats me less than I deserve just isn’t worth my time. So I found myself alone and isolated from what I knew because it just didn’t feel right anymore. Yet from that isolation and distance the people that enter my life now are on a different level to what I was used to, and more concurrent to the path that I am now on.
Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that every single person from my past is toxic, because that would not be true. I just needed to separate myself from everyone to finally hear my own voice and figure out what direction I needed to go. When your life is too noisy and you cannot hear your own voice, it’s necessary to take drastic steps to quieten everything down in order to find your bearings. As I progress in finding my true voice, the one I was born to be; the one that is not silenced by pain and suffering, I believe I will find my way to all those both in my past and future that are true to me and my calling. For I know in my heart where I belong and the journey to find that place is what makes me stand tall and strong; able to face adversity and overcome obstacles thrown in my way.
I am not on this journey alone, I have never been and I am truly grateful to every single soul that has played an important role in my growth. Whatever role it was whether positive or negative. If I had not crossed every path, met every person, made every single mistake and endured so much pain; I would not be the woman that I am today, I would not be the power that I am today and I certainly would not be the strength that I am today. So to every person place and thing that has touched my life and molded me into the woman I am right now, I thank you, I embrace you and I definitely needed you, because now I see that no matter what I’ve been through or what you have done to me or deprived me of, how you loved me or hurt me, that it was all necessary to break me, mold me and create the person that stands tall today with her head held high – I have survived it all – I am still here!!
I haven’t written in a while and the reason is that I have felt somewhat deflated over the past few weeks. What goes up must come down… right? The important part is that we don’t stay down for too long and get our butts back in the game.
So here is the story… I have always written everything down. It’s in my blood to pour myself onto paper. It was only until a few years ago that I acknowledged this as part of who I am and decided that I should be doing it all the time. But the thing that got me was, why am I doing this? It started out because a few birdies whispered to me that I should give it a try and I was too afraid so I didn’t at first, but then it became a challenge to face my fear of “showing” myself to the world and just do it, so I did but I didnt let anyone know that I was writing, I just wrote and left it out there for whoever to stumble across it by chance. After a year I got the confidence to show the people in my world and on facebook etc. what I’ve been up to and I only recieved positive feedback from those who supported the page.
So what is the actual problem? Why have I not been writing? What is actually holding me back? Well it’s because I write the truth, and my truth felt deflated for a moment and I didnt want to impose my darkness on you! So I climbed into my hole and hibernated, feeling like a fraud, like I’m letting you down and also letting myself down. All because I chose to hide and not fight through the blank space and make the time to write something, anything. But I didn’t; I chose to hide.
In my hiding space I went to a friends wedding and met some very interesting people. While in Cape Town I met a young lady, around 24 years of age who asked my friend for his lighter. Little did I know that this soul would awaken inside of me what was always there but afraid to come out. As she stood there and smoked her cigarette she complained about a few things in her life and by default I found myself giving her some advice about the choices she makes for herself and how important they are. After our chat she said I should start a blog because she thought people would be interested in what I have to say. It was then that I felt guilt filling in my core, guilt for not writing, guilt for hiding and guilt for not pushing harder.
I think in the frustration of having to maintain a 9 to 5 job in order to keep my family a float and my bills paid I found myself frustrated. Frustrated because I had not managed to balance the two and chose one over the other, when I had made a promise to myself to prioritise doing what I loved no matter what tried to distract me. I think this feeling of guilt and frustration was due to my promise to always do my best to share my experiences and my findings in order to help and then I realised how dissapointed I was in myself when I opened my page this morning and found it neglected and stagnant for so long.
My wake up call was the young lady who soaked in every word that came out of my mouth as I reminded her of her worth and her capabilities if she put her mind to her goals. Along with the realisation of my own goals as I spoke to her and how I too need to practice what I preach and remember my very own worth along with my very own goals. It reminded me that I am important and I have to focus on myself and my state of mind even when things become testing and frustrating its up to me not to allow the emotions to take over and the frustration to rule over my choices.
I have been unkind to myself, by not maintaining a balance between mind, body and soul and in return have been unkind to my family by not giving them the best version of myself allowing myself to fall in the trap of straight lines when life is not a straight line at all.
I write these words with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart. Hope for a renewal of spirit, hope for my balance to return and hope for my days to be brighter and full of more of me and less of “them”. What will “they’say? It doesnt matter, because no matter what I choose “they” will always have something to say. So more of me and less of them. More courage less fear. More pushing forward and less hiding in the shadows.
I had a conversation with an old friend of mine who has not had an easy life due to the choices he had made. But life keeps giving him the greatest opportunities to re invent himself and to make the positive changes he needs in his life. If only he could grab a hold of one of those opportunities and use it to stabalise himself, or to create a positive life for himself. Look, I realise its up to him to see how blessed he actually is and to make the necessary changes he needs to create happiness and abundance in his life. I also realise that pain can sometimes blind us to what we actually have and make us dwell in what we feel inside.
It made me take a moment to think about all the opportunities I have let slide past me in the name of fear, or not believing in myself. I realise that I have to be the change I wish to see in my friend, not only for my own benefit but for those around me. I cannot control what other people do, but I do control what I do and if they have an example, someone to show them that there is a way out and that life does not have to be a pit of misery no matter what you have been faced with. I will never dial down anyones pain, pain is real and felt in the depths of a persons being, they are entitled to feel what they feel. My wish for those that have been broken, hurt and violated is to show them that they are not doomed to a life of misery and that they CAN overcome the darkness that takes over, it is not forever and they really are able to move past the darkness and find their light once again. I know there are people that will say “easier said than done,” and I agree it really is easier to say all these things than to actually get them done. Which is why I choose to focus on what I can change, and thats myself. If they see that I can heal my own pain and not be dark anymore then maybe, just maybe, I can motivate someone to do the same, or at least try and look for a silver lining to the cloud they may find themselves in.
My daughter looks to me for everything, and I have to show her that there is always light even in the darkest moment, if she just looks within herself and tries to find it. No matter how difficult it may be. I know that I am not perfect, I know that there are people that are better equipped to be the change I wish to see in the world, but the reality of the matter is that we all have to play our part, and if I can be brave and find my light then hopefully you will want to be brave and find yours too. After all, we cannot allow darkness to win, no matter how hard it tries , light must always prevail.
The only thing thats guarenteed is death and taxes? This is what I constantly hear from people when expectations are not met. As I think on it, it becomes clearer every time how true this saying ACTUALLY is, because absolutely nothing is truly guarenteed. We are “winging it” through this life, grasping at straws and holding onto whichever concept works for us at that moment, but who truly knows?
This piece was inspired by a picture of a lady entering “Heaven” and hugging Jesus and it occurred to me that even this may not look like what we percieve it to look like. The picture of Heaven and Hell that has been painted in our hearts and minds may not look like what we think it looks like. The picture of marriage that has been planted in our minds may not even be what it looks like, just what we made it up to be along the way.
Things are constantly changing as the years go by, nothing really stays the same, so if you look at the greater scheme of things a question asked to me by someone last year re enters my thought process… “does any of it actually matter in the end?”
Man has created the need for money , its become a necessary evil required for survival, it gives strength to the rich and takes strength from the poor. People with money are treated better becasue they have more to offer and people without it are starving to death because without currency they cannot eat. Land is now something that is so controlled that people cannot freely move around the earth as they wish because borders have been put up and if you dont have money you cannot cross them.
It makes me look at everything that I do for survival and it makes me scared for my grandchildren and what they will have to endure. It’s not a matter of surviving the wild anymore and we dont have to worry about wild animals. It’s our own kind that threaten us, it’s our own kind that we have to be alert around and it’s our own kind that will be the death of us. We have caged the wild animals and kept them in parks, not allowing them free access to the land we are all meant to share and we cage ourselves in little boxes and then call it surviving. We work for money and then pay bills to keep what we have. the circle is so vicious that when I look at what is happening I think what the absolute F*#$!
The human race is in such a fast paced downward spiral that I don’t think they will be able to stop in time, and before we know it… there will be nothing left. Nothing left for our children to see but burnt offerings of a world we once got to enjoy. Nothing left of nature because we killed all the animals that lived with us. Nothing left of the earth because we destroyed it to the point of no return… and then what? Will we then meet our maker? Will we still get to run into the arms of our maker after we destroyed everything?
I’m struggling, I really am… to grasp the point of it all. I work hard all day and am a slave to bills so my family can be fed, educated and have a roof over their heads. Money is basically the driving force of the existence of most people and we can never have enough of it; the poor need more and the rich want more. It’s a never ending story of greed and pain that has become the new circle of life. We are born, we have a moment of actual bliss where we get to be free (because our parents are doing all the work) but then we have to go to school to learn how to function in a world created for people to fail so that the rich can stay rich and the middle class can be content with working for the rich and the poor will just stay poor because they dont have the tools to make the changes they need to make. Then in the end everybody dies and becomes the dust and then what?
I have to believe there is more! I have to believe that I am more than just a mere blink in the the greater scheme of things. I don’t care that it seems stupid to some, It has to be true, because the alternative just makes no sense to me at all. If I have to choose in believing in greater or just believing in this, I’m goint to choose that there is more to everything than just doom and gloom. I’ll rather be blissful fool than a miserable realist … Either way death will come… I’ll just be smiling more on the journey!
Live your life true to your beliefs and the rest is history, because in the end it’s what YOU believe that really matters.
So I finally made this video, because my time is just about up and next week is my deadline for posting a video. This is the link to watch the video: https://youtu.be/nQRnGHb-mWM .
It took me 6 months to actually post a video. I would like to share with you why I took so long to do this; I was scared, I didn’t believe that I could face this fear right now, I am too critical of everything that I do, I want perfection and nothing is perfect, I have some underlying confidence issues that I am working on, and lastly I was just scared and had to go through the process of trusting myself all over again like I did with this blog.
Please let me know if you enjoyed my video and subscribe to my youtube channel if you are interested in what I will put out there.
Always remember that nobody else is going to do this life thing for you. It’s all on you, and yes you will share it with people along the way, some will be givers and some will just take, and then you will get those well balanced individuals that know the importance of both giving and receiving.
Whenever I get into a funk about my progress I noticed that I retract myself from people. Not because I don’t value them or care but because I value myself enough to know when I need to reset myself. You know, stop, listen to your mind, body and soul and then assess what’s out of balance to make the necessary adjustments you need for progress.
Whenever I’m in a funk I always try to remember that this too shall pass and only I can make the shift needed to get out of this mind-set of being in a funk. I immediately know when I am out of balance, I don’t immediately adjust though, I have this habit of going into autopilot mode and then after blindly going through weeks of imbalance I get to a point of “no more”. Where I just can’t do it anymore and I have to snap out of it to find my balance again.
This business of sleepwalking through life is a topic discussed by many, and it is a real thing. People are like zombies going through their lives with no ambition or drive and just get through the day to get through the day. They don’t know any better and are numb to their daily routine. These people are the ones that resist change because they are very comfortable in their pain and find too much discomfort in change, even if it is a positive one. Sometimes when having conversations with this type of person I have to remember that I too once lived like this and rolled into every day just to get through and so I have to believe that the seeds of information that I could plant in a lost mind may one day grow into fruition and I have to remember that those conversations are important to have and so I need to be balanced because how will I find the patience to be my best self for these conversations if I myself cannot snap out of my own funk.
I try to remember that nobody is perfect and that everybody is doing the best they know at that moment. So just because I am at the point of moving forward and growing does not mean that everybody else is at this point with me. I have to remember that I am a work in progress and I am worthy of the work I put into myself, this way I can be a blessing to others keeping my struggle in mind while attempting to understand others.
I was in a funk for a little while, a few days of retracting didn’t hurt anyone, but I have found my way back to my balance and can continue to search for progress and share my journey with all my struggles and my success along the way. Being me was never an easy task, but as I learn to embrace myself more and more I find myself enjoying the journey and what seemed like a task at one point has now become such a joy to explore.
Happy Monday everyone, I hope the weekend brought good things your way and if it didn’t I hope you find peace in knowing that everything will work out as it should in the end. Just hang in there.
Getting out of my head has proven to be an extremely difficult task, I don’t think its impossible because I win sometimes and actually set myself free of my critical mind, but when you have been criticising yourself ALL your life because you were criticised all you life its difficult to break that habit entirely in one go. It’s a creeper this habit, creeps up on you when you are most unsuspecting and boom before you even realised it you have talked yourself out of something, because your internal voice told you to stay in your lane.
This habit is covered in great detail by many life coaches, motivational speakers and even psychologists. I’ve heard it being referred to as the internal dialogue, the continuous tape playing over and over in your mind and even negative seeds that have been planted in the garden of your mind. I agree with all of these, I have even tried ALL of the methods to help break the chain. Look we all want to pick up a self help book, or go to a seminar and think its going to fix us. Let me be the one to burst your bubble… It’s NOT. The only thing thats going to fix us, is us. We have to do the work on ourselves every day to rid ourselves of this virus we have in our minds, killing our dreams day by day. Telling us we are not good enough and that we cannot do great things. The only cure is YOU. YOU have to decide that you are will to make the effort and make the changes, to do the exercises and with time I do believe it will make the biggest difference.
If I had to compare me now to me 10 years ago, I have to tell you that I am a completely different human being. Not only has my thought process changed, but with each little step that I have taken for myself, I have changed my life completely! I think differently, speak differently, I’m passionate about things now, I express myself now, I even show happiness and sadness every single time i feel them. I used to be such a cold person that was too afraid to show myself, my true self because I was afraid that the world would reject me. NOW I show myself because I ACCEPT ME and whether the world rejects me or not is not my problem, because I am here, and as long as I breath I will keep trying, keep pushing and I will keep believing.
Am I immune to rejection? Hell no! Does it hurt tremendously when I am rejected? Hell yes! Does it stop me from trying again? Sometimes, but not always… I am a work in progress and I have come a long way. Once I find my place in MY world, then I will be truly free. Once I believe 100% that everything is going to be alright then I know I will let go of that small amount of doubt that I seem to still hold onto. But I am more than halfway there. I have come a long way from where I used to be and I still have a very long way to get where I want to go. What is the key to all of this? Have a picture, have a plan, and then work your butt off to get closer to that picture or that goal. Sometimes you might not like the route you have to take! But you have to wake up every day, show up everyday and be the best that you can be at that very moment!
This morning it took everything out of me to get myself out of bed and show up for this day. EVERYTHING told me to get back into bed curl up in a ball and just sleep. But I decided to ignore this loud noise that clouded my better judgement and listen to the whisper telling me that I have work to do, that I have to push, that this is not forever and it will pass. I have to push myself harder sometimes, on those days when I feel hopeless, like today, I have to push harder, because if I dont, who is going do it for me? I have to learn to get out of my head sometimes , because if I dont, who will push me ? Who will believe in me? Who is going to convince me that ita all possible? It’s all me? Nobody else can live this life for me, I am my only hope and I have to keep trying no matter how huge the obstacle appears to be. I have to remember that perception is everything and everything is not always as they seem.
I have to believe in me and you have to believe in you. You are the one that’s goping to break your own barriers as soon as you get out of yor head!
Thank you for reading and following me. I really appreciate all of you and I love sharing myself with you.
Live your life out of your head and try to stay grounded.
I read a few years ago that success is finding out who you are, and BEING REALLY GREAT AT THAT! Dont ask me to remember who said it, because I dont, but whoever you are, I salute you.
Success to me lies more in my inner peace than the amount of material things I have accumulated. I’m not saying that I don’t like nice things, of course I do. I am saying that I will determine my success by the level of peace I feel no matter the storm that approaches. I want to be so rooted in peace that even the roughest of storms will not uproot me. That for me is success.
Knowing myself so well that nothing can uproot me, finding my stability in who I am and not who the world thinks I am. Looking for approval from myself rather than external approval, and in that way not being too concerned with the criticism of the world outside of myself. Don’t get me wrong, this is not an arrogant approach, because I value the input of the people that I know have constructive input and are not out to put me in their respective boxes, but if they see a possible problem, they make me aware of it. I value that because those are the people that have my back and help me find solutions as well.
I am still climbing the ladder of success. I am a late bloomer, its been a very recent thing that I have discovered my value and how much I can accomplish if I just allowed myself to be who I am and stopped looking around for approval. I have to let you know though, that this journey is not for the faint hearted and it is more difficult than it sounds, to stick to the plan and to believe in your purpose and just go for it. There will always be obstacles in the form of people or finances that will try and keep you from your vision. It’s important to hold on tight and continue even when you feel like giving up. It takes momentum to reach your destination and you cannot create momentum standing still and not even trying. You have to keep pushing up that hill because there is a reward once you reach the top, once that ball starts rolling on its own, and you can watch it pick up speed knowing that it was your hard work and dedication that allowed that to happen.
I wish success was easy, but it’s not. Even when it looks easy, it”s still not. It is hard work getting there, and once you are there the responsibilities are even greater. With great success comes great responsibility (Who was it that said that? I’m so bad at remembering who said all these wise things).
Sometimes I wish that everything would just happen NOW! Then I remind myself of the responsibility that comes with everything that I am working towards and I realise that there is no rush, its OK to build on myself and learn more so that when the time comes I will be armed and ready for what I have to carry.
Live your live aiming for the success that you are looking for.
It’s amazing how when we have joy everything seems to fall into place and when we have sadness everything seems to fall to pieces. Yet there is always that point of change when sadness lifts and joy finds it way back into our hearts. Sometimes it’ s a quick process but depending on the depth of the sadness it may take years again to find your joy. Apparently “joy comes in the morning” because the morning is a new day, a new beginning a time to start afresh, and your “morning” could happen at any time in your life. you can start afresh right now, in the afternoon or even at night. your fresh start , your new beginning is when you decide to lift the past , release the sadness and allow joy into your heart again.
It sounds like what I’m saying is be happy… No. real joy is eternal, happiness is an emotion, a feeling, one that can leave as quickly as it came, but joy sits right in there with peace and love. It’s a root, a source. Part of the foundation you need to have before you begin to build. If you build your life without joy then how will you smile on the inside, how will you trust on the inside, how will you let go of the past? Joy definitely does come in the morning because every morning I wake up is a new day, a day for me to look at my life and say ‘this has been one hell of a ride”, through all these crazy ups and downs , the grin on my face is joy, because I’m here, and I’m happy. I made it through EVERYTHING. I didnt die, not spiritually, not emotionally and certainly not physically. I’m still here doing what I was born to do, creating what I am here to create with a heart filled with love for my life, peace in my heart and joy in my spirit.
Sometimes the universe tries to whisper things to you about who you are and you hear it, but sometimes you don’t and you need to bump your head really hard before you pay attention. This was me, God needed me to bump my head really hard for me to learn this lesson and to have this feeling. The spirit of my creator has always been in my heart, even through the rough times. I know because I felt comfort when I was alone and I managed to make it this far. Who knows what the future actually holds, I certainly do not. Yet I Plan for it like I do. If there is anything that I have learned is that the journey does not always go the way you planned it, but as long as you have a destination and a plan, as long as you have movement and good intentions then no matter how bumpy the ride may be, you are learning and growing and finding yourself along the way. Eventually you will get to where you are MEANT to be.
I believe that we create as we move and we make what we believe into our reality. The whole idea of manifesting in our external world what we feel and believe internally has been proven to be true. Proven by me, to me and for me. I know that if I am dark inside, my world outside is darkness and if I find light inside, my world outside is full of light. I also know that no matter how dark one may be internally, light can always be found, because as long as there is breath in your body then there is light in your soul, you just have to find it, it’s in there and it will only come out if you search for it.
Joy definately comes in the morning and as I look to the sunrise I see a new day, a new promise and a fresh start. In order to find your joy, you have to look for it, but before you look for it you first have to want it and then you will do everything in your power to find it.
The last few weeks have been a little touch and go for me, in the sense that everything I have set my heart on seems so much harder than the other stuff. I sometimes wonder why the things worth having and doing take so much more effort than the easy way out.
I have been feeling somewhat despondent about my goals, but I know that its just a dip in energy and I need to take the time to center myself again and I will be back on track. Yesterday a friend voicenoted me and checked on my dancing… (I haven’t danced in 2 weeks). The fact that I felt guilty, knowing that I have made goals and JUST BECAUSE IT’S BEEN CHALLENGING DOESN’T MEAN I GET TO GIVE UP. Which is kinda what I did for a minute, I just gave up. But after hearing her voice reminding me of who I am and what I am and where I’m going has given me a little push in the right direction, so today I dance because I love to dance and the only way to beat this slump I’m in is to get on my feet and dance.
I’ve also fallen off the healthy eating band wagon for 3 weeks now, carbs, cake .. all my guilty pleasures in life that I know I fall into when I’m a bit troubled. So yes I felt despondent and I stopped doing everything that is good for me. I’m human and I’m allowed to have some time to be a failure. Today another friend asks about my eating and my exercise… What is this lol check up on Tammy week? Clearly the world needs me back on my balanced feet and doing what I do because it won’t leave me to dwell in darkness for too long. So I have to go grocery shopping and chuck out all the biscuits … fun times ahead. I also have to get my exercise on again beacause as he clearly stated , all he was hearing were excuses… caught in my own little circle of excuses. So I acknowledge this and I will change my behaviour. One step at a time.
I think that I am still exactly where I need to be, because if it wasnt for my moments of weakness, I wouldnt take the time to re-asses my challenges and I would just blindly march on, this way I get to see how negatively these bad choices affect my mind and my body and it gives me strength to pick myself up and move forward.
I have very few people in my life that take the time to check up on me for real, but I’m blessed for those that do because without them my life will be such a bore. I know that they love me enough to tell me what I need to hear. I look at my small circle of friends and I truly am blessed at the positive changes I’ve made in my life. I’m also grateful for this negative patch that I have just gone through, it has opened my eyes to many things and I am now able to adress them and grow.
I am so thankful for everyone in my life and every relationship I have where there is a mutual love and understanding. My circle is a genuine one and the people I have surrounding me are full of the positive energy and upliftment that I need right now. I love you guys, ALL OF YOU.
Thank you for following my posts, I look forward to hearing from you and sharing more with you.
Live your life surrounded by positive light and love.
Love is everything that is good around you. Love is all the kindness shown to you by every living being. Love is that stranger opening a door when they absolutely didnt have to. It’s that little child that doesnt even know you but gives you the biggest sweetest smile ever. Love is the beauty of the world we have been blessed with; the trees, the seas, the birds and the bees, it’s in the air that we breathe and the songs that we sing. Love is in every kiss on the forhead, or on the cheek or on the lips. It’s in every drop of rain that falls from the clouds to nourish the earth. It’s in the eyes of your children as they watch your every move, and in the hands of your mother as she cooks your food! It’s in the actions of a friend, who sees you for you and values you for you and it’s in the hands of your father as he labours everyday to uplift his family in all that he does. It’s in the art that we create in any of its forms. It’s in the way a soul carries itself through the world and shares itself with everything it touches and when we close our eyes it’s in the pictures in our minds that always bring a smile to our lips every single time!
I’m not saying that its perfect, because sometimes love is painful and hurts us when lose it, but it’s in the pain of the loss, that we feel the intensity of the love our hearts have felt. I’m not saying that its easy, because sometimes it takes a lot of work and patience to truly love, to truly and unconditionally express love, it takes commitment, blood, sweat and so many tears. I’m not even saying that sometimes love can be more painful than hate, because who we love and what we love can sometimes be harmful to us and we have to learn to let it go when it hurts us but try not to fall into hate because love is alwasy the answer. you dont have to be in a persons space to show them love, it can be shown from a distance. Sometimes tough love is what is needed, but I think this is even more painful for the the person on the giving end because we want to take that person in our arms and fix them, but that would hurt them more and sometimes to help someone we have to push them towards helping themselves first.
Love is a tricky thing, it can bring so much joy and so much pain, but in the end I believe that this is what we are made of. The core of our existence and every living thing is made of love it is our natural instinct to love first and all the rest is learnt from pain and suffering, sometimes even survival. But in the beginning , at the core of everything and everyone, is love.
Live a life full of love and everything will flow from there.
Have you ever just had the feeling of nothingness, when your focus is faded into the distance and you are in a place of complete, well, nothingness. When you look at everything and see how no matter how hard you try it just gets harder and harder. Then you see how relief seemed to be reachable at one point but now it’s drifted off into the distance and disappeared from sight.
Now you have this life that must go on and these people that still rely on you and bills that must still be paid. You are just lost in the midst of this dream you have of floating away into the sunset and not having any of these responsibilities. A dream of freedom from this chaos that the world requires us to live in, where people are actually free, to go where they want, be who they want and live how they want without the harsh judgments that get passed onto them if they choose not to conform to the norms and standards of other people.
Where borders don’t separate us and money doesn’t dictate to us who belongs where, and how we see each other becomes a human thing, not a status driven vision. So we can have a clear vision through our spiritual eyes and not only look through our physical eyes where we see the souls of each other instead of outside appearances; we make choices based on who we are, not what we look like, because the world is full of so much body shaming and negativity even though we are not our bodies.
Sometimes my soul takes me out of this place that my body is stuck in and moves me to a place of peace and love, where dreams are a reality and I can see the world through spiritual eyes not physical ones where colours are different and feelings are a language spoken through the beauty of nature given to us by mother earth. Where energies flow through everything and the world is connected through life and nothing is discriminated against, nothing is compared and everything JUST IS.
Live your life, but take the time to see more than what the physical eye can see.
What goes up must come down because, well, gravity. Also because Newtons 3rd law says every action has an equal an opposite reaction. Can this concept possibly apply to life as well? Do our highs and our lows balance each other out? So when you experience a really high high, then at some point you can expect a really low low? Right? When you are head over heels in the clouds of happiness, is there always that rainy day that will bring us right back to the ground and remind us that nothing is forever? Do we have to fall in order to feel?
This year has been truly mind blowing for me, in both the highs and the lows. I have been floating on clouds and also felt gut wrenching emotional pain. I’ve learnt that I have SO MANY people that I have just met that will move heaven and earth for me and in the same breath people that I thought would move heaven and earth for me that have been in my life forever really just wont even lift a finger anymore… As you grow into yourself it appears that people grow out of you. I guess the important part is that you keep your head held high through the pain and disappointment and that you don’t jeopardize yourself because of the choices other people have made.
I really do believe that people will always do whats best for themselves in the long run and the ones who feel that considering you is best for them, those are the ones to keep close to your heart. Once you find love and respect for yourself its very difficult to overlook people who lack love and respect for you, but its also very important to remember that you should always treat others like how you would like to be treated because nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes every once in a while.
When you are on a really high high and you are not expecting to be kicked in the gut by people that you love, it can actually destroy you if you don’t actively have ways to protect yourself from the energy that these kinds of experiences can take from you. I find that when I have these moments I have to take time , a day, to reflect, assess and process what I need to change in order to move past what is hurting me. I generally write my feelings down and then read through them and once I fully release the negative emotions that have been created inside of me, I then write down what I need to change in order to move forward. Taking into consideration every aspect of my situation. Its easy to run away from a low emotion and pretend everything is OK, this doesn’t work for me, I find that bottling up emotions just creates a bigger explosion later on when I can avoid it by processing each incident as it comes.
In the end I’m grateful for every positive experience I get to have in my lifetime and I appreciate every negative encounter as well, because without the negatives I never truly would be able to appreciate the positives that I have had the privilege of experiencing. To every person who shines light into my life , who loves me, supports me and considers me, I am truly blessed to have you. To every person who contributes negatively to my life and takes from me but never gives, who expects from me but never assists me, I am grateful for you as well, because I will continue being myself and learning how to properly balance myself even while you create challenges. And even though sometimes your actions may make me cry, that’ s OK too because in my tears I find strength and healing and there is always joy in my morning. No matter what you do to create chaos, the sun will rise and I will heal with every morning I am blessed with, I will ALWAYS have the strength to overcome ANYTHING that gets thrown my way.
So even though what goes up must come down, its not how many times I fall that counts its how many times I find the strength and courage to get up again and throw myself right back up there where happiness and joy lives, and even though it wont last forever, its those moments of bliss that will get me through anything else that life throws my way.
I look forward everything that life has to offer, after all, this is the only one I have, so I might as well enjoy every moment that allows me enjoyment and when I have to endure low moments that’s OK too because nothing lasts forever and that too shall pass.
It’s so fascinating to me how the universe aligns you with EXACTLY what you need when you need it. You learn about the laws of attraction, in so many different books and as you read them sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it feels like that is just for other people and doesn’t apply to REAL life.
I started planting seeds of positivity in myself about 14 years ago, and a lot of the time the books I read didn’t blow me away with the information they gave me. Some of them helped in my healing process when I ACTUALLY did the exercises they had in them and others planted seeds that I would only use now with a greater understanding of the concepts fed to me back then.
The power of positive thinking can seem silly to most. It sure seemed silly to me most of the time, but I did it anyway, I changed the dialogues I had within myself and forced myself to catch the negative things I would say and change them there and then, until they went away… Did they go away? Yes, they really did. I’m not mean to myself like I used to be, in fact I actually say really nice things to Tammy nowadays. Changing my internal dialogue has been one of the most rewarding exercises that I continue to practice to this day. Because once you change your thoughts into positive ones and then you actually start believing in yourself, and as a result you make the changes that are NECESSARY to improve your life. You make those difficult decisions that create a sense of fear inside of you and you do what’s best for you even though you feel that fear. It’s like a domino effect, once you start one exercise everything else begins to fall into place. Choices change, lifestyles change, friends change, circles change and jobs change. You become a truer version of yourself with each passing day or at least I do.
I find that sometimes I slip into a negative mode for a moment and in that space someone comes along really quickly and just in time and nudges me in the right direction, with the simplest of gestures, without even realising that they are helping me to find my positive space again. People that cross my path now are people that add value to my life. I am not selecting them, it’s a mutual crossing of like-minded people or people on the same level of energy vibrations that are drawn to each other. I look around me and I see so much change, so many new faces, so many old faces and so much light in my life.
Whoever said that it would be easy to make these changes lied. Because it’s HARD work and endless hours of doing things that sometimes even make you feel silly. But in the end the result is always growth. Learning new ways to be, new ways to see, new ways to live and new ways to grow is so vital to personal mastery. Practice is key, we can’t learn something and not practice it and then expect to master it! Personal mastery takes work and effort and if you look around you, and you see positive vibrations all around you like I do, then you know that all the blood sweat and tears have been worth it and that the big man upstairs is smiling at your progress pushing you along to be the creator that HE CREATED YOU TO BE.
GOD is in all of us, we need to remember that. We are not useless, we are not hopeless, in fact we are made in the image of our creator and we are born to be great, if only we took the time to tap into our capabilities as beings we would all learn to fly (not literally) because we are runners and dont have wings , but we can create them, build them and improvise! We are all born creators. Do the work and find your gift and start creating!
Look around you, what do you see? Don’t like it? Change it! Find yourself and run as fast as you can with all of your being and be the greatest at being you. But don’t forget that the people you meet along the way are there to grow you, teach you, love you and unplift you, so take care that you are kind and loving as well. Arrogance will get you nowhere and people will be scarce as a result. Always be grateful and humble.
Remember to whom much is given , much is required.
Live your life with humility, because we are all fighting our own struggle.
Everything in nature seems to have a cycle. We are born, we live and we die. The sun rises and it moves across the sky (or appears to because the sun doesnt actually move) and then it sets in all of its beauty and wonder. Plants have their own cycles too, each one unique to the individual plant. It’s beautiful to watch, this thing called life in all of its forms. Sometimes when we are really in tune with life we get to notice the little things that will take our breath away every single time!
I noticed though that it’s only us humans that within our cycle of life we create circles of destruction that not only affects us, but the entire planet as well. I see this within my own life as well as many others. We react to a scenario whether negative or positive, and then we base everything around that one thing, that one thought, and for years we have the same scenario playing out repeatedly because we do not see the circle that we have placed ourselves into. Facebook memories shows me every year on that day what I posted every year on that date for as far back as when I first started posting on facebook. I found that everything I did had a time and a path, I would want to lose weight every year around about the same time, I would feel the need for changes more or less the same time, I would date the same kind of man repeatedly not growing from previous experiences. I literally went in circles for about 10 years making the same mistakes in different forms and not learning from them, thus making them repeatedly without even realising it and spinning in circles not moving forward nor backwards.
Change came only when I realised that I was not moving in any direction, it came when I was willing to make the tough choices that made me uncomfortable; when I left the job that held me hostage, when I started the blog that I was afraid to start, when I stood up for myself instead of just pretending it was ok, and when I took time off from dating to assess why I was making these choices and what I needed to heal in myself before dating again. Change came when I started listening not only to what others had to say but also to what I felt inside, it came when I began to prioritise myself and look into who I am not who they want me to be. Change only came when I changed … and the circle was finally broken and instead of trying to lose weight for a month and then again in 6 months, I have made consistency a priority and therefore changing my eating as a whole and making it a lifestyle choice instead of a short term diet. It came when I overcame my fears and travelled even though it was out of my comfort zone. It came when I took a dance class, and made the difficult adjustments to improve my lifestyle.
Your life cycle does not have to be a circle of repetitive mistakes, you do not have to spin out of control. If you take the time to catch yourself no matter how fast you are spinning, to stop yourself from getting dizzy with the noise and fear and confusion that life throws at you. It can be a cycle of truth and love and challenges, and not a life spinning out of control because you didnt take the time to STOP, and ASSESS. and BE QUIET enough to listen to your heart and to live your life with eyes wide open instead of sleepwalking through a circle of dizzyspells.
Make your life one that counts, one that leaves behind a better path for your loved ones, one that creates a legacy in your name and when people speak of you, there are smiles on their faces when they remember the person you once were. Make your life the best one that you can have, and don’t accept the scraps that the world wants you to believe is all that you are worth, because you ARE worth EVERYTHING your heart desires and you can HAVE EVERYTHING your heart desires, if you only take the time to stop, and listen to your inner voice that whispers and guides you through everyday. Take the time to DECIDE who you WANT to be and then work every day to become that person. It’s not and easy process, it’s tiring and its overwhelming at times, but everytime you reach a milestone, EVERY SINGLE TIME you achieve a goal, no matter how small, the reward is so great and the feeling of accomplishment is so beautiful and you realise that one step at a time you CAN bring everything your heart desires and one day at a time you can build the life that you wish to have.
Dont listen to the noise, move away from the negativity, focus on your self and your goals and always be kind even when you dont want to, always be grateful even for the negative experiences, because from them you will grow. Always learn the lesson so that you dont have to repeat the test, because life WILL keep giving the same test repeatedly until you learn to master the skills needed in order to pass the test and move to the next phase of your life. It may not get easier, but it will get better and with every accomplishment will come great reward, and with great reward will come great responsibility, because that i the cycle of prosperity and that’s the cycle you want to find yourself living.
Live your life in a cycle of growth of self and not in a circle of repeated mistakes and self destruction.
Thank you so much for the support and the love! i feel it , I embrace it and I am so grateful.
I have been blessed with the most amazing sunrise to welcome me to life every morning. It has become an inspiration for me to have my early start even though the winter chill tries to keep me all tucked in the warmth of my bed. It’s been a fight, I can tell you that, but whenever I do pull myself out of the warmth to experience the sunrise I am blown away every single time!
There are so many beautiful parts of our day that we can focus on to improve our mindset, and there are so many breathtaking opportunities to savour in nature that if we just quietened the noise of the world and for a moment stopped to breath in the fresh air, or admire the sunrise, watch a child in pure bliss playing in the distance, walk barefoot on the grass, put your feet in the water when you are at the beach or the lake, make a snowman when it snows and even dance in the rain every now and again! Why do we wait for our lives to be where we percieve it to be in a good place before we can enjoy anything? This morning it was a menstrual cramp that woke me up earlier than usual, yes I said it… it happens… lets not be weirded out by this. Instead of complaining, I got my butt out of bed, soaked it in a hot bath to sooth my cramping, had a small bite, took a pain tablet and then sipped my coffee as I watched the sunrise.
Have I lost my mind? NO, what I’ve lost is the need to mope about over something I cannot change, to change what I can and to enjoy the blessing I was given in the process. Yes its Monday, but why are we fighting with this poor day again, It’s my choice to get up and earn a living so that I can live the life I want to live, it’s my choice to get out of bed every morning, so if Saturday is more enticing than Monday, then you seriously need to have a look at the career choices that you have made and try to get your life in alignment with what makes you happy.
I’ll be honest, I can’t wait for the day to be free of a 9 to 5 day job, and to be able to earn a living doing what I love, writing, talking, helping and inspiring. Does my 9 to 5 stop me from doing what I love? Hell to the no, I write in the morning as I watch the sunrise before I head off to the office, I try to inspire as many people in a day as I can in every day life situations, I talk non stop when given the opportunity; about my passion, about life, love and all things growth (spiritual & emotional) related, balance related, and making positive changes. I’m never going to stop being who I am and doing what I love because I have bills! What I will do though, is work my butt of to move closer to not having to work a regular 9 to 5 so that my day job CAN be my passion.
I have found my love for dance again, I try to dance everyday now, not because I have to, but because I want to! I used to do Ballet, I stopped when I was 17 because I lost my love for it and moved onto other things, also my teacher moved over the sea and by the time I was 17 my head was pretty messed up enough to not be passionate about about much. I found a love for dance again, but not ballet, more Salsa /Bachata/Kizomba vibes for now. I’ve been teaching myself Spanish for the past year and a half now! Why? Because if I’m going to listen to Latino music most of the time, I have to learn the language. Do you know how excited I get when I understand a full sentence in a song? It’s like Christmas for me… The reward of all the hard work I put in is that moment where you ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND SOMETHING! I may not be great right now, at the language or the dance, but I will some day because I found something in this lifestyle that lights up all sorts of amazing feelings, experiences and passion in me that I had lost along the way. Yes I may still tramp a toe or 2, but it wont be forever!
Nothing worth having in life comes easily. You have to do the work to reap the rewards. You have to work hard to create a momentum of freeflowing movement, you first have to push really hard before you can watch the ball roll. I’m pushing! I’m pushing and nobody can stop me because when you are hungry for life, then the world is at your fingertips and the love of it in its entirety will envelope you in its beauty until you become one and you learn to be in harmony with everything that surrounds you.
Just a quick note to myself and whoever needs to hear this…
If you stay true to who you are inside you will always win, if you always doubt yourself, you allow weakness to creep in and give negativity a gap to take over.
Other people are always acting in their own best interest, even if they dont think they are, its human nature, just like how you are always acting in your own best interest.
Don’t do anything without putting your heart into it first, because if you do something half heartedly whats the point?
When you love someone, love them unconditionally without any expectations in return. True love expects nothing but gives with all its might. You learn this when you become a parent. You love your little one unconditionally and you will give them everything no matter the cost. This is true love, this is how you love in all areas, if love is what you feel. Not many people will have this capability, but thats ok too because they too will be loved unconditionally and without expectation, because if you love and expect something in return, then your love is a self serving one and only meant for your benefit.
Nobody is more important or less important than you are, not the millionare and not the beggar, you will all die just the same even though you live very differently. RESPECT EVERYONE!
You are worth every effort you put into yourself, dont give up. Believe in your dreams and spend time working on them every single day.
Inspiration doesn’t come from a single place. It’s a collective of things and experiences that occur over a period of time. After a series of pictures and words, there is that one moment of… ‘I can do this’ that sparks a flame inside of your soul and only you can hold you back from leaping into the joy that it creates inside your heart and the picture that it creates inside your mind.
Once upon a time I had a picture in my mind; it was created by the things that I’ve seen and the things that I’ve experienced. One day the picture in my mind that I held onto became a reality and I wondered to myself ‘how did I get here?’ It was a dark picture of pain and suffering, but something inside of me knew that I was more than this pain and I was better than these choices. It came in the form of people telling me how creative I was, how talented I was and in things that I would see randomly in the form of videos or even in books. People saw things in me that I could not see in myself; I was regularly told that I was full of potential. As the years went by, I had overlooked all the seeds that were planted in my mind, because I didn’t really believe I was any of those things. Not deep down in my core. It took a wakeup call of near death to show me that I am full of so much more than darkness. It took years of little signs and signals to remind me that I was made for more. Once I realised that I am more than this dark space, the seeds of light that had been planted in me began to grow, they began to surface. I took the time to find love for myself, to forgive myself and to heal myself through books and through research and going through the process of acknowledging EVERYTHING that I am and accepting it. Layer after layer I peel information about myself out of my brain and process it for what it is.
I meet people every day that inspire me to be better. I see love every day that inspires me to love more. I see joy every day that inspires me to be joyful. The more I live my life to its full capacity and potential the more I grow within myself and the more I grow within myself the more I see the potential in everything and everyone around me. How nothing is by chance, how broken watches and cracked sunglasses all happen for a reason. I may not have a full understanding of the reason, but I acknowledge it for what it is; a sign , a signal and a part of my process.
My eyes were closed to the reality of my choices. Once I opened them and took a close look at the choices I had made and chose differently, my world opened up before me and created a new reality one that I could have never even imagined. But now I do, now I see, now I dream, because now I know that the true potential in me has always been there and it’s up to me to unlock every corner of my ability. Nobody else can do that for me. It’s in everything I say and everything I do. Every choice I make and every step I CHOOSE to take.
When I look around I see the beauty of all my answers at my fingertips. They are everywhere all the time. All I have to do is surrender myself to the possibilities and close my eyes and let myself fall into myself.
Live your life with open eyes, not your physical eyes but your spiritual eyes.
I wrote this because it is the essence of how I felt with regards to many situations in my life. My relationship with my parents, my relationship with my brother, with myself, with work and with love… I had always felt trapped because of the sensitivity and harshness of my life and not wanting to be a dissapointment to anyone. Recently I realised that it had nothing to do with them at all and it was all about me not dissapointing myself, and my expectations of the relationships I longed for required me to stay in a proverbial box out of fear of losing the picture of perfection in my head. Which I didnt get to have anyway… so this is my story… this is my song.
All my life I’ve tried to hide myself from you, and in the process I’ve hidden myself from me. Do you know how I’ve longed to be free and just trust that you would love me anyway?
But I knew that no matter which way I looked at it, I would never be what you were looking for, because I’m broken and because I don’t live by your rules.
I always looked for your approval and I never really got what I was looking for, I looked for that person you wanted me to be and I tried, I really tried, but I just couldnt find her. She doesnt exist , you see. She’s a fictional character that you have created in your mind on who YOU NEED ME TO BE, but that is not me , I am not her.
And so I hid myself in the shadows, hoping you would not see that I was not her and she was not me. That what you thought was true simply was what you CHOSE to see.
The me I really am is so afraid to come out, because what will you do when you see who she truly is, what she truly believes, and where she truly flies.
You like me in this box that you have put yourself into, but its cramped in here now and I cant seem to fit anymore, every time I step out you pull your love back just enough to make me feel the pain of your absence to want to get back in.
Your love is all I’ve ever known and all I’ve ever really looked for, but now that I am grown into my own can’t you see its hurting me to stay in your little box that has kept me warm for so many years of my life.
Don’t you want to know the real potential in me and not just what you wish to see, if you let me go I promise to always be true to me and let the things inside my heart set my spirit free.
You hold so tightly onto this dream you wish to see, but can’t you tell there’s so much more in life than what YOU see. My wrists are full of bruises, your grip is way too tight. I need for you to let me go and just trust in my light. I cant promise you that I’ll be perfect, like how you like me to be, I can’t promise that I’ll fullfill all you hope for me.
I can tell you though that I will give it all I’ve got, if you can just let me go and if you can just love me unconconditionally and absolutely … No matter what.
I think amidst all the hype what I found to be most rewarding were the friendships created! The time day 3 arrived for me it was already time for my roomies to leave because they had been there for the full 2 weeks and my first goodbye to Mirta over drinks at Havanna cocktail bar was the start of my day. If I may note that it is 4pm and my day was just starting. The plan was to do one last round of Amarin after my goodbyes to Mirta. But there I was scrolling through facebook, and I see that there are tickets to go on the Bachata boat party… I had not been on a boat party as yet, because when you make last minute trips everything is sold out by the time you want to get them. I was so 2 minded , do I, dont I? So when Pat arrived to go to Amarin I let her know what my dilemma was. As always Pat was a YES girl and said “Go for it!”. But her and Gen were still doing Amarin. Or so they thought because once I got my tickets I saw them running towards me with a changed mind! YES! The girls were in it to win it!! Spontaneous parties are always the best ever!
I’m going to say that the Bachata Boat party with DJ Julian Mr M and DJ Latin Master was of epic proportions! The energy on this Boat was up in the sky! We had our South African squad, doing it the South African way! We are not a quiet bunch, that’s all I have to say! When the DJ said everyone can jump off the boat now I was like, wait… what? No freekin way! Then everyone jumps in the water, including Genevieve. Uh… I’m good thanks, we have sharks where I come from… staying on the boat especially when Julian said there are Jellyfish on the other side of the boat… Nope, not happening. Happy to watch! Happy to dance and soak in the energy. My energy tanks were so filled after that party! Positive absorption for days! It was such a vibe! Next year I’m on that boat, that’s a promise!
Dinner vibes after the boat party were just as lit, I mean when you are surrounded by amazing people ALL THE TIME you cannot avoid having the time of your life… Dinner with friends as the sun sets after the most epic boat party ever… we brought all that energy with us.
Saturday night celebration party! I have to say that the guys on this particular evening were looking VERY JUICY all cleaned up and dressed in their smarts. I mean, it was eye candy for days… what? Looking is for free, I was very well behaved on this trip! I managed to escape the pull of temptation and just dance my way through! The shows were off the chain, and before I knew it, I had to say goodbye to my roomie Prideel. Left to myself in the apartment … mmm whatever will I do?? Hahahah just kidding… I slept, that’s what I did for half of Sunday because I needed rest before the mother of all pool parties were to happen. By now I had officially gate-crashed Gen & Pats duo, it was now a trio, but then there were the boys, and we had evolved into what became theee best squad we could have ever put together. Not by choice, not by chance, but by the sheer pull of amazing souls toward each other!
I’m going to rave about this pool party, because it deserves every second of me raving! I was not ready! I was dancing in the pool, out the pool, I’ve definitely found a happy place in Bachata, I know Robert is going to give me a hard time for saying this… But even though I can’ t really dance it properly YET, I have found a happy place in it… I blame Angelica, hahaha she did this to me and grew a little something in my heart in London. I love her for it though… Again the Dj’s on the bachata/Kizomba floor were off the freakin chain! Everyone who knows me knows I hardly ever let my hair down , and not for long periods of time… These guys had me jumping up and down, shaking things that haven’t been shook in a while and did I mention by the end of the pool party, my voice was gone. Poof … no more voice. I was a kid again, free of all the stresses of life, this is what its meant to be like, this is what freedom feels like! My love for this day cannot be explained. I loved it so much that when it was over I went to sleep. It was midnight though, but there was no room left for more… I literally crashed, for a solid 8 hours and then some. It was a good thing too because Gen & Pat had more boat party ideas!
So the guys had bought tickets for the sensual mix boat, and we were winging it AGAIN because we had no tickets for this boat. The struggle was real, but fingers crossed we could get tickets … and we did. It’s very unlike me to behave like this, I’m usually very prepared and together, but it was so much fun winging this holiday and just hoping for the best. Ah Sam was on this boat with us! Yay more friends. I felt like we had our very own private party because our squad found a corner and we stayed there causing all sorts of havoc! This time I jumped off the boat!! It was such a freeing experience to just do it without thinking too much. It was easy when every single person from your squad was shouting jump, jump , jump. Talk about peer pressure. But I am no party pooper and so I jumped in the fire with everyone else .. oops did I say fire… I meant water (hehehe).
Our last night in Croatia and we had to have one more dinner to remember, at the Mexican restuarant (cannot remember the name). Dinner and dancing (well my friends were dancing, I just watched). I was honestly done. Tired was not the word to describe me. I was happy to laugh and eat and just soak in the final moments of these amazing people that I met and the ones that I already knew. We brought our A game to dinner though… we were the vibe that night at the restuarant! Thank goodness I had packed already before the boat and I didn’t have much left to do.
My last night, I danced once. The rest of my evening was a night of photos and bonding with Jean. I’m so glad I got to spend a decent amount of time with her before I left. What a lovely human being she is and I am so blessed to have her in my life. Some last minute retail therapy, to heal our tired souls. Some last minute photo sessions. Lots of squeezes and finally it was over. I chose to spend my last moments in the bachata room because I knew that DJ Julian Mr M would be bringing the house down until the last second (I have proof) and because all my friends were there (hahaha)! Lights on, music off. Everything was over, I had a ferry to catch but not before I got to say goodbye to all my favourite people… sadness filled some eyes, I saw a tear or 2, but there was nothing but love that filled the air as everyone made their way out of the Adris Tobacco factory, feeling a mixture of emotions in disbelief that it was actually over!
It has to have been one of the most eye opening experiences I have had in my life. Where I experienced so much love in so many different forms with so many different people who all had one goal in common… to dance. I made new friends that I will always cherish, I got to see old friends (not so old, but not new anymore). What I realised is that THIS IS LIFE. It is the very moment you are in right now. It is not only when you do something amazing that you are living, but EVERY SINGLE MOMENT. As I write this I LIVE. As I remember these moments I LIVE. I live as brightly NOW as I did while I lived all these moments.
My wish for you is to not let your NOW pass you by, because your NOW is your life. If you dont like where you are now, then work towards making the changes you need to make. 2 years ago my now was not what I wanted and I took the time to make the changes. Every day I see the rewards of all the hard work I have been putting into my changes and my now. Make your now the one you always dream of living.
Live your life NOW, dont wait for later because it may never come.