Everything always works out in the end, even if it seems like they wont at the time. I struggle with patience when it comes to things out of my control, patience is a tricky one for me. When it comes to people, I have all the patience in the world, when it doesn’t really affect me. But what I realise is, as soon as it affects my life directly, I want what I want and I want it now. This unfortunately has been my greatest challenge, realising that sometimes you have to wait. Sometimes waiting is better, even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time. When they said good things come to those who wait, they really meant it.
My life may not be where I thought it would be by now, but I certainly have come a long way. I have lost so much and gained just as much in the process. I realise now that learning how to control myself when I grow impatient is vital. Learning how to control my tongue when I am angry is challenging but rewarding, because in the end anger is hurtful and almost always regretted. I’m slowly learning not to panic when I am not in control of a situation, because panicking only makes it worse, and anger makes it even bigger than it should have been in the first place.
I am an over thinker and if my thought process begins with anger, my anger does not subside it only grows and I blow everything out of proportion. I have to learn to breath and not react. I have to learn to act with calmness in the hope that maybe, just maybe all will work itself out for the best.
Life is not meant to be easy, it will have both ups and downs. It will push you and challenge you and mould you into whatever choices you make along the journey. Yes sometimes my choices are bad, but I’m lucky enough to realise my mistakes and do my best to rectify them if I can. Negative experiences can be blessings in disguise they can move you away from certain things that are not good for you and they can bring you closer to what is good for you.
The world is ever changing, ever moving and never still, and if we apply this to our lives, we will have a greater understanding of everything and every experience. Nothing stays the same, good times will not be forever, bad times will find its way and vice versa. It’s the cycle of life. It’s our truth. The quicker we can embrace it the better off we will be.
Embrace both the good and the bad. They are both equally important in the bigger picture. If we forget that we are a part of one great universe then we forget that every single being has a purpose and every life must end and begin its new cycle.
Today I want to talk about something very close to my heart. When I was 8 years old I met my best friend, When I was 34 years old I lost her. She died in a car accident.
We fought like crazy, for everything, but one thing I could always count on was that she would never disappear for too long and she always forgave me. Even though we fought I always knew she had my back. I always knew that no matter how bad the fight got that she would always be there. I was always safe. I was never alone.
The year she died we had a disagreement and we were not speaking, but even though we were not speaking she still dropped off my birthday present on my doorstep and left… she had a remote control to get into my yard because we were family. 24 years of friendship gives you a title of family. I was awake and I saw the whole thing, how she was going for her usual 6am morning run and she opened the gate came in the yard left a gift on my doorstep and left. Said nothing , didn’t need acknowledgement, she just left. My heart melted and I was obviously the one who put my tail between my legs and apologised. That was the last fight we had. For the rest of 2014 we were closer than ever. We spoke more, we trusted more and we loved each other more. I didn’t know that our time would end on that 21 September 2014. I didn’t know that when she left my house that night and hugged me goodbye that it was the last hug I would ever receive from her. I woke up the next day to the news of her passing and my entire world as I knew it crumbled.
I fell apart because I didn’t have my person anymore, my sister, my best friend. The one person that knew literally everything about me and loved me anyway. I could lash out as much anger as I wanted, she always new that inside I was fragile and still loved me anyway. I didn’t deserve her, but I was blessed with her anyway. God gave me the greatest gift when he gave me that friendship and he took away a part of me when he took her away.
For 2 years I did nothing with my life but go through motions, I kept everyone at arms length and I was like a zombie. I was alone. I felt alone. Dont get me wrong, I had other friends who I love dearly, but they were all far away and I was so used to having her in my space every day all the time that when she was gone, I left myself for a long time too.
2 years later my dear cousin introduced me to salsa dancing. Little did I know that he was introducing me to a new family. One that would embrace me and take me in and treat me like one of their own from day 1. For the first time in 2 years I was motivated to live again. Truly live. I began to celebrate life again and I began to feel a pulse in my soul again. For that I will always be grateful to my new family. I felt life in me again. Now, I’m not the greatest dancer, even now 4 years later… but I’m still a part of the most amazing family.
It was through dance that I met my new friends, my new people. They didn’t replace Maree, but they sure did fill the gaping hole I had in my heart with love and affection. Exactly what I needed. but I still didn’t feel safe. I still kept people at arms length and I kept myself in a protective shell. I couldn’t even allow myself the freedom of real expression in my dance because I was afraid to let go, and to dance well you have to free yourself of all the things that hold you back and just feel the music.
I met someone through dance who turned out to become my new person. I don’t know how that happened, but it did. I trusted this person as much as I trusted Maree and for the first time in 6 years I let my guard down because I felt safe. I felt like 3 years of friendship had given us the foundation that would allow me to be vulnerable. But it wasn’t until the friendship had its first test that I realised, the foundation was not 10 years or 20 years.. it was only 3 years.
You see, I struggle with vulnerability and my defense mechanism comes with a mean streak that I thought I had worked out but I hadn’t completely worked this out, clearly. I lashed out at this person, because I was afraid. I lashed out because everything felt out of control. I lashed out because it what I used to do when life needed it before, when the world wasn’t a safe place for me and I had to protect myself all the time. But my life now does not need me to be defensive in order to protect myself. The people I’m surrounded by are pure love. and the one person that was closest to me got hit the worst when my fears and insecurities came to play.
This is where im struggling. You see with Maree, I always knew she would be back. But now I feel like I’ve lost one of the people I love the most. I feel like this is irreparable and I feel like the old me came out at the wrong time and it was not needed.
3 weeks ago I felt so safe emotionally, I felt like nothing could rock this boat, but it turns out I rocked the boat and it has capsized. The question now is, if I have apologised, if I have admitted to my mistake, if I have done everything within my power and it just seems to be getting worse… what now? What is the next step?
After some soul searching I answered my own question. The answer is love. Unconditional love. People are entitled to their feelings and they should be allowed to express them as they need to. I’ve accepted that the consequence to my actions are that I may lose the 1 person that has had my back and had my best interests at heart. I did that, because I allowed the insecurities of my past back in, because I let my guard down and trusted something that I thought was rock solid but was actually so fragile.
Now I have to face the reality of possibly losing one of the most important people in my life. I have to come to terms with the fact that the new people in my life don’t know how to deal with the old me because they don’t know the old me. and I have to face the fact that the old me is till in there, because healing takes time and I can only learn each lesson at a time. So now I’m stuck with this part of me that I thought was healed, but clearly is not healed completely or she wouldn’t have sabotaged something as valuable like this.
The lesson here is this. That you have to focus on the new improved you, but you have to understand that the old you still lives in you. and every now and then the old you will make an appearance. We never truly get rid of past habits and pain, but we can work everyday to heal and move further away from that toxic person we used to be. Everybody makes mistakes. but its what we do with those mistakes that matters.
I have chosen to accept my consequences and to love anyway. If someone doesnt want you in their space you can still love them from a distance. By understanding their choices and respecting them. By wishing them well and always having their best interests in mind.
Sometimes loving someone means letting them go. Sometimes love is hard and you have to choose what best for the other person and not only yourself. This is the case for me. I don’t know if I’ve lost my friend completely or not. But either way, I understand, and I love that person anyway, not matter what they decide to do. This is unconditional love. Love without condition. Its the purest form and the most rewarding. If you love someone, love them enough to set them free. What they choose to do after that has no condition on the love I feel for them.
I realise my emotioanl security used to lie in a person. Maree. But when she left I learnt how to rely on myself. For a moment I latched my emotional security on my new person, but now that they have gone, I realise that I am secure in myself. Even though I had a slight panic and destroyed a friendship in the process, I still realised that no matter what happens, I’m going to be ok, and Im going to love my friend no matter what their choices are.
We cannot place our emotional security on another person. It’s not healthy, not for you or that other person. That is the lesson I learned from all of this. That people are there for love, and to share life with. But they are not there to make you feel secure. You should be secure in yourself. You should be able to rely on yourself to sort out your emotions when shit hits the fan. You shouldn’t be crushed completely because someone left. You should remember that before that person became your person that you were a fully functioning human and you can become that again. But you should do this from a place of love and understanding, not hate and anger.
Always choose love. You are whole on your own. Just because you make mistakes doesn’t make you a terrible human, but if you don’t learn from your mistakes then you are losing the opportunity to grow. Always choose to learn and to grow. Then do better next time.
It’s women’s month and at the beginning of this month everything was sunshine and happiness, but as the month went by it became lots of rain for me. Life has taken a difficult turn and all because that what life does. It goes up and down and its how we deal with the storms that determines whether we grow from it or die because of it.
As a women going through a storm I still have to wake up every morning and get my kid to school, I still have to wear a smile on my face when she’s home because I am her everything and if I don’t smile then neither does she. As a woman I still have to feed my family and cook meals with love and share those meals with warmth.
I cannot sulk about the storm that i’m in, but I can feel it when I am alone, but as a woman when do I get to be alone? I have to get on with a job that requires my strength because I’ve chosen to be a woman that makes a difference and people look to me for strength, even when I am not strong.
As my storm roars on I have to look inside of me to find the peace that I have rooted in myself over the years and I have to remember that if I stand tall this too shall pass. As a woman I have to ignore my hormones creating chaos in my mind and my body because people depend on me to carry on even though I’m in pain.
Being a woman has proven to be a most difficult thing, but so rewarding at the same time because even though I cried my eyes out when I was alone and felt pain because life knocked me down, I got up and carried on and my child can curl herself on my lap even though she is almost the size of me to look for comfort. She senses somethings up and so curls next to me when I sleep so I’m not alone. She doesn’t know what exactly is wrong but she senses that there’s something and as a woman I have to protect her from my pain. One day she will be a woman and have to endure similar pain and if I can spare her of that for as long as I can I most certainly will.
As a woman I have to breath because losing my mind is not an option , but when I do crack and lose my mind every now and then, because the storm became to heavy for me to stand tall, I get judged because I’m not supposed to lose control.
As a woman I’m forced to behave a certain way because if I don’t I get labelled, as a mother I am forced to behave a certain way because if I dont I am letting a little person down. I have to show up for everything even if my heart is broken and I have enjoy every moment of it because if I dont then I am labelled as sour.
In the event that my emotions do take over I am treated as if I am crazy because im supposed to keep that shit under control, but as a woman I love more and I do more and its inevitable that my strength will break down every once in a while.
As a woman I have to be very careful who I let into my heart because if I’m not I end up being hurt and then blamed for reacting, I get labeled as typical and it makes me feel, just for a moment typical. But here’s the thing I am a woman, I’m soft and fragile even though you see strength outside, inside I am pure love. When you break my trust and my heart you break me, because when I love I love with my everything.
As a woman I have to be tough but gentle. I have to be wise and live with that wisdom and if I make a mistake I’m punished for it more than anyone because how can a woman behave in that way. I get attacked for expressing myself , because self expression is not smiled upon if it negatively affects others.
As a woman I have to face other woman who look to destroy me and take from me instead of build men up. I have to face men who wish to take from me until they have enough and then leave me empty. Through all of this I am meant to compose myself and smile. So when you see the sadness in my eyes but a smile on my face know that everything is not ok, but as a woman my sadness is only for myself, because if I let you see it then I might break down in tears and most cannot handle that. you just want happiness and sunshine.
The thing is, I’m proud to be a woman, because even though I may have more challenges than most I also have more rewards than most. I get to love like a woman, feel like a woman and I get give life and no man can do that. As a woman even though it’s not an easy task I get to make my home a home, and I get to embrace womanhood in all of its glory.
And to everyone that frowns upon me when I make mistakes, shame on you because you will never know that path I have walked and how far I have come. How being a woman means so much gets taken away and I still stand tall and smile at you because love is where I am rooted.
I am proud to be a woman, because without me there is no you.
I recently have been going through many challenges at work that I could not really change and required a shift in perspective. We can’t really control anything but ourselves and we can only make changes within to get through challenges that face us.
Covid 19 has been a challenge for many, increasing the unemployment rate tremendously worldwide. I am lucky to have my employment in tact … for now. Nothing is truly for certain and this period has proven to me that it’s never a good idea to be so complacent that you are not willing to grow or to try a new way.
I was faced with a new challenge, one I was not so happy with at first, but the choice was either change or be unemployed. I struggled because I am not afraid of unemployment, but I love my job and I wasn’t losing it completely I was just being asked to change a bit of it to something that I had developed a picture of in my mind as not for me many years ago.
I decided I will give it a chance, and instead of a making it a hindrance, I changed my perspective to a challenge. It will be interesting to see how I get through it , I’ve challenged myself to give it my best and instead of now dreading the new added work I am curious to see how I can push myself to make these changes and at the same time help my company in the long run.
My peace of mind has been restored and my faith in myself that I can do anything I put my mind to as well.
I’m posting this because I know many people are facing challenges at work at the moment, I just want to encourage you to try and look at things from a different perspective and maybe see the change as a positive, no matter how negative it may be. Look for positives wherever you can find them and just try to make the most of what you have until you can move to something better if you plan to.
I used to believe that outer appearances are so important, and to some they are… but, when what you look like on the outside becomes more important than who you are on the inside then you have some major inner confidence issues that you may want to address.
When I was younger I used to hide my body in boy like clothing because I didn’t want men to touch me because of my bad experiences with them. As I grew older I began to embrace my body and as a woman I started showing it off alot more, but this confidence was external and not internal. Internally I was afraid of myself, I was afraid of failure, I was afraid of actually dealing with my dark spaces. I leaned on my boyfriend at the time to be my pillar of strength because I wasn’t strong enough inside to deal with my own insecurities. I hid behind my quick tongue and my ability to manipulate certain things to go my way.
Fast forward to motherhood after having a six pack and then having to deal with a mom bod, every single insecurity came back again. Why? because I hadn’t dealt with anything, I just tried to sweep all my feelings into a corner and pretend all was well. I hid my tummy and just moved along. This affected my relationships, or my ability to maintain relationships because I was in an unhealthy space and my inner confidence lacked tremendously.
Fast forward to today. I do not have a six pack, but I love my body. It’s not rock solid like it used to be but I’m working on getting it to where I want it to be. I’ve spent the last 5 years working on my self, my inner self, the self that was so badly neglected and left to rot in a dark corner. I brought her out and exposed her to myself and dealt with the pain that she came with. Here’s the thing, it’s not easy to do this, in fact it seems almost impossible, especially in those times when you are completely out of your comfort zone. Even now after years of healing and work I find myself peeling off layers of discomfort that present themselves to me. Recently I was challenged with a test of confidence, inner confidence and I failed hopelessly, but my failure took me to a level of growth that I would have never experienced if i didn’t fail. Now I know that no matter the outcome of any situation, my ship cannot sail without me. I know that my blessings are for me and if it goes to someone else then it was never my blessing to begin with. I used to beat myself up for failing before, I used to go into a closed up hole and stay there ashamed to show my face. Not anymore, now I have learnt that not everything that fails is a failure, not everyone that leaves is meant to stay.
I truly believe that inner confidence comes from the ability to see yourself as you are, cracks and all and still love yourself anyway. This is when you can truly open your heart to those that deserve your open heart. This is when you can recognise who deserves your open heart, and this is when you can truly be free. When you have the ability to keep your heart open even when everything inside you from your past is screaming for you to close it because that part of me does not want to be vulnerable. That is when you know you have succeeded. Knowing that there are people that will hurt you on purpose and being open anyway because you will heal from that, there are people who will hurt you without intending to, you will heal from that too, then there are people who will never want to see you hurt and will catch you every time you fall… these are the people we want in our intimate space. These are the people that love you without condition, these are the people that your inner confidence and self value will attract into your space. When you find yourself surrounded by love and people who are there to catch you when you fall… then you know you have been making the right choices.
My confidence has grown so much because of these people and now I can truly say that I love me as I am. My health is important to me and I will continuously strive to be the best version of me I can be. I love all my quirks and imperfections, they make me, me. Lets just say … I’m bringing sexy back… at 40 🙂 Time to put the past in the past and look ahead. So much excitement!
I’ve come to realise that we sacrifice so much of what we truly want to make life convenient for other people. Those people are not doing the same for you always. It’s important to be true to how you feel about what you need and make it known, because if you find yourself in a situation that compromises you in order to keep another happy then you are in the wrong situation.
I always tell the ones I love to do what makes their hearts happy, and everytime I say that I genuinely mean it. When you love someone without condition you genuinely want to see them happy even if that doesn’t include you. Because why would you want to be the reason someone you love is unhappy? And in that same sense it’s important for you to do the same for yourself, if something no longer makes your heart happy or threatens it’s happiness then the best way to address that is to guard your heart, because everything you do flows from there. Guarding your heart does not mean close your heart off to love and life, it means guard your heart where you can from being hurt especially if you can see it coming.
Sometimes it’s better not to hold onto happiness too tightly because you might squeeze the life out of it… maybe when you let go of your grip a bit and allow it to breathe you will find that in the process that you might catch your breath as well. And what a relief it is when you take a breathe of fresh air… Maybe you need to just let go of the reigns and allow life to happen without trying to keep everything in control? Maybe chaos is exactly what you need for now to help you see the beauty in the storm that threatens everything in its path? Maybe you need the storm to destroy everything that needs to be destroyed in order to have a new beginning and start afresh? Maybe it’s time to shift your focus and start looking at right now, live in this very moment and appreciate now instead of worrying about what is and what was or even what could be. Maybe we should slow down a little and spend time with our family instead of chasing after dreams and money?
So many MAYBE’S because we will never know for sure. The trick is to do what makes your heart happy in that moment and live it to the fullest because you never know if tomorrow is even going to come… Do the ones you love know that you love them, when last did you say those words? When last did you action those words? When last have you done something for yourself? All these questions, all these things and all it takes is for us to stop with the crazy, take a breath and look at what actually makes your heart smile…Then focus on that and do more of it 🙂
Until now this has been something that I’ve randomly said when things go from bad to worse. I realise though how negative this can be for me because I’m allowing myself to believe that if it rains it will start pouring. I have been welcoming the pouring of negative emotions into my space and I was made to stop and think about what this statement actually means and the consequences of saying it so easily all the time.
My women’s month started off amazing, but as the first week passed by, challenge after challenge has crept into my space. Initially I was genuinely surprised that this was happening to me especially after all the work I have put into stabilizing myself and my life, but I realise now that no matter how much work you put in you have to brace yourself for challenges all the time. When faced with my first challenge I made the statement “when it rains it pours” and almost instantly it began to pour. I was faced with so many negative situations all at once that I had an emotional breakdown and took it out on the one person that most definitely did not deserve it. I’m truly grateful that the relationship is stronger than I imagined and working things out was a possibility because that saying “you take things out on the people closest to you is really true” but at the same time the people closest to us deserve to be treated with love and respect and not baggered with our negative emotions all the time.
I have a fear of losing people so have developed a protective mechanism of keeping them at arms length instead of having to deal with losing them. Don’t get me wrong I allow people into my personal space, but I keep them out of my intimate space. They know me but they don’t know ALL of me. The truth be told is we are all just a result of whatever our messy past has created in us. Some manage to heal and others don’t. I am lucky to have managed to heal a whole lot. But in the same breath have so much to still overcome and intimacy is one of them. Vulnerability is scary to me because it gives the person you allow in to see everything, every weakness every flaw and you just hope that they will love you anyway. Letting your walls down are so important if you expect to live a healthy life with the people you trust. But letting your walls down also opens up pandora’s box when it applies to me because I have not let them down completely in way too long and I don’t even think I know whats really lurking behind them.
I’m trying this trust thing out, I’m starting with trusting myself to make the right choices for myself and those that I love, along with my instincts. I am trusting myself enough to let SOME people in. Here’s the problem, as soon as I smell danger my default is for the walls to go back up because I’m absolutely terrified that this time I wont be able to pick up the pieces. I tried to put my wall back up this past weekend and failed hopelessly. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that there are actual people that are not out in this world to break your spirit and crush your soul… Who knew? In my experience as soon as you let them see you, it becomes a tool to manipulate you into being who they want you to be. My experience was completely warped by a broken community that had completely messed me up and a broken mind that had never really experienced true stability because of all the trauma I had to endure while developing myself as a person.
Now I find myself in a situation where I have to keep working on the foundation I see in my future, starting afresh and not looking to the past as a reference to what I see for my future. In the past I used control as a safety net and at this moment I realise that I can only really control my choices and how I react to certain situations. I do not pretend to be somebody I am not, I prefer to be proud of who I am and how far I have come even though I have a really long way to go.
My current struggle is self sabotage, I see something is good and it scares me, so without even thinking I go into this defensive sabotaging mode. I feel myself doing this now, I’m obsessing over the nitty gritty, I’m creating scenarios in my head that are just not true and I’m slowly taking away the joy that this situation brings me. Then I panic because I realise what I am doing and try my best to put together everything that’s broken and normally by this time its too late and I cannot repair the situation. I seem to overwhelm myself with emotion and at the same time I forget that I am overwhelming those around me as well which damages relationships and pushes people away.
I’m telling you about this because I know that I am not the only person that experiences these issues and I want the world to know that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HEAL IF YOU JUST ACCEPT YOURSELF AS YOU ARE AND DO THE WORK THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE IN ORDER TO HEAL.
Nobody is perfect, everybody is fighting their own battles inside of themselves. Whats important though is that while we fight our negative battle that we find the positive in them too, that we celebrate each achievement no matter how small and that we allow ourselves the room to feel pain when we need to and then allow ourselves to heal.
The choice is ALWAYS yours to make, nobody can take away your free will. I love sharing myself with you because it allows me to not only be open about the actual struggles we encounter on a daily basis, but it allows me to see how far I have come even when life gets me down. This is my happy place, when I’m here, sharing myself with you and making the most of every situation whether good or bad is when I am happiest. When you send me messages of inspiration and tell me that my time here has helped you it keeps me pushing through.
Even though the challenges are many for me at the moment, so are my blessings and you are all a blessing to me because it is you that keeps me motivated to be my best and to share myself. Every person counts, every feeling counts and most importantly every story counts. This women’s month I am sharing stories about the struggles of women in the world, but today I am sharing my story, my feelings and my struggles.
I can only hope that I inspire someone today to push through and even though times seem impossible, if I can just remind them that this too shall pass.
I am so grateful to each and every one of you who support me in my journey of living, loving and helping where I can.
Everything always works out in the end, even if it seems like they wont at the time. I struggle with patience when it comes to things out of my control, patience is a tricky one for me. When it comes to people, I have all the patience in the world, when it doesn’t really affectContinue reading “Embrace the cycle”
Even the most put together people fall apart sometimes, the most successful ones too. I do not pretend to be anything that I am not, and I most certainly am not perfect. I am a firm believer in going through the process and being true to your feelings even if that means completely falling apart.Continue reading “Just in time”
Today I want to talk about something very close to my heart. When I was 8 years old I met my best friend, When I was 34 years old I lost her. She died in a car accident. We fought like crazy, for everything, but one thing I could always count on was that sheContinue reading “Emotional safety”
Emily is a random name chosen by me to tell the true story of how women in our society are abused. Through this month I will continue to tell real life stories of women that have had to endure the pain and suffering of being abused by men. These are not all stories about my own experiences, they are stories of many women that I have encountered and shared in their experiences in some way or another. These stories have all made an impact on who I am today.
I am Emily is about a teenanger who had to endure constant beatings and sexual abuse from her father. Emily was not lucky enough to have a father who loved and cared for her in a nurturing way. Emily could not protect herself from the sickness of a man that touched his daughter inappropriately and beat her to a pulp when she angered him. Emily was lucky to have a close friend who she could confide in and call for help when things got out of control.
Emily had a saving grace, a fearless friend who was not afraid to stand up to the abusive father and do what was needed to be done.
Emily was one of the lucky ones, she turned her life into something meaningful. She may have made horrible choices in the beginning and got married way to young to escape, but now she stands tall with a beautiful life, a happy family and strength that she found in Jesus.
Emily is happy now, because she had people who were willing to stand up for her. If you have a friend that’s in trouble, don’t be afraid to stand up for them and do the right thing. Be their voice when they do not have one. Be their strength when they are not strong enough.
Be the person you wish you had when you were in the dark spaces of your life.
Be the voice for all the Emily’s in the world that are too afraid to speak for themselves, be the person that they can turn to if they need to. Don’t turn a blind eye because Emily needs your love, your support and your strength more than you know.
Happy womens month to all the beautiful women in the world.
I have DECIDED to dedicate this month to something I hold close to my heart. I have never truly been expressive of how deeply I feel regarding the topic of Gender based violence along with women and children abuse!
I am going to begin with myself, because in order to create awareness you have to be open and honest with the world so they can see the truth.
So here it goes :
I AM A WOMEN WHO HAS ENDURED PAIN AND SUFFERING AT THE HANDS OF MEN WHO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE BIGGER, BETTER AND STRONGER THAN ME, BUT THEY DIDN’T KNOW THAT WITH EVERY WRONG THEY DID TO ME THEY WILL MAKE ME STRONGER, LOUDER AND EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN THEY WOULD HAVE EVER IMAGINED.
I WAS A VICTIM OF CHILD MOLESTATION, I WAS A VICTIM OF RAPE, I WAS A VICTIM OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE, I WAS A VICTIM OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT, I WAS A VICTIM OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL, I WAS A VICTIM OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE BY THE HANDS OF A MAN BECAUSE I WOULD NOT LISTEN, I WAS A VICTIM OF INTIMIDATION BY MEN IN POWERFUL POSITIONS TO KEEP ME QUIET, I WAS A VICTIM OF THE WORLD…
I AM NO LONGER A VICTIM OF THIS WORLD! NOW I AM A VOICE, A VOICE THAT IS NOT AFRAID TO TELL YOU WHO I AM, A VOICE THAT WILL SPEAK FOR THOSE THAT ARE NO LONGER HERE BECAUSE THEY WERE MURDERED FOR NOT SURRENDERING TO THE WILL OF A MAN, I WILL SPEAK FOR THOSE THAT CONTINUE TO ENDURE THE PAIN AND SUFFERING OF THE HANDS OF THE MEN THAT RAPE THEM AND THAT BEAT THEM, I WILL SPEAK FOR CHILDREN THAT ARE SUFFERING BECAUSE NOBODY CAN PROTECT THEM, I WILL SPEAK ON BEHALF OF THOSE THAT ARE FORCED INTO SILENCE, FOR THOSE THAT ARE AFRAID AND FOR THOSE THAT WILL ONE DAY FIND THEIR VOICE AGAIN BECAUSE SOMEONE LIKE ME WILL HELP THEM TO PULL THEMSELVES OUT OF BEING THE VICTIM AND HEAL THEMSELVES INTO BEING THE VICTOR, THE PROTECTOR AND THE WARRIOR!
I AM NOT AFRAID, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I WOULD RATHER DIE STANDING UP FOR WHAT I BELIEVE IN, THAN LIVE COWERING IN A CORNER AFRAID OF WHAT YOU MIGHT DO TO ME. I AM STRONGER THAN YOU THOUGHT I WOULD BE. I AM A WARRIOR OF LIGHT.
I WILL BE WHO I WAS BORN TO BE NO MATTER WHAT YOU TRY TO DO TO ME!
THIS IS THE MONTH OF THE WOMEN, THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW CHAPTER.
TODAY I AM MY OWN VOICE, TOMORROW I WILL BE YOURS!
I feel like I’m in the process of change. I know this because the last time I was in this season it felt exactly like this one. I am fidgety, I feel dissatisfied, its like I know that I need growth, I know that I need to add more essence but more importantly remove what is not necessary. The difference between me now and me then is that now I am aware of what needs to be embraced, as opposed to back then when fear came into play, and instead of embracing the change I chose to fight it for the longest time.
The key is to trust your process, I have no idea what the changes will bring to me, but I know that as I make them I am being true to myself and I am following the vision I have for myself. The universe has given me many tools that I have been slowly collecting and using to plan. I know to some it looks like I am stalling, but I’m not. I am preparing myself for the discomfort of change, for the uncertainty of change and for the possible storm that may come with it.
I’ve recently reminded myself that there is no wrong way live my life. There is just a series of choices that I will make and as I make those choices I have to understand that the consequences of each choice will be manageable no matter which way it goes, everything will eventually work out in the end.
I struggle with failure though, this has always been a work in progress for me. I do understand that I will fail, many times, because in order to succeed there must be failure for valuable lessons to be learnt. I have improved a little, but there is definitely work to be done.
I am comfortable now to say that, I trust my choices enough to know that the changes that are coming will be positive ones and I can honestly say that I am excited to see them unfold as time goes by.
Giving up is just not an option, there is too much at stake. I only have this one life to get my essence, the reasonfor mybeingand myexistence out into thisworld. When Ileave this place my life’s work will be my legacy and mychildren will know that I made it through even though the world keeps throwing punches. I will never give up because this is my life to live, and those little eyes are watching to see how it should be done. I’ve come to realise that everything I do is looked upon and everything I say is repeated. It’s my duty to be my best always
I read somewhere that when you focus on a specific thing that it will ultimately find its way to you. I tried this out and funny story, it actually works. I drew up a list and 2 years later after zoning in on my list as often as possible most of the things on that list found its way to me. Then I drew up another list and repeated , but this time it was a more accurate list .Again, most of the thing found their way to me, and funny story… the things that I thought were not going to happen on the first list actually happened, they just took longer. Some things take more time than others. I learnt that if you focus on the desires of your heart and you stay true to who you are and what you want eventually it will come to you.
The law of attraction is something that I read about many years ago and recently I was reminded that in order for it to work I actually have to practice it. There is no time like the present to start again and look into which direction I actually want to go, instead of just drifting with the flow.
Focus on the direction you want to go , and don’t just be dragged around with whichever way the wind blows you.
I’m taking this time now to remind myself in this time of darkness and despair because since we have had this pandemic, its been doom and gloom. I found myself focusing less on my goals and my life and more on the things that are happening outside of my control. I have had to remind myself that I cannot control this mess that the world finds itself in, but I can control how much attention it gets from me. I have to zone out of this dark cloud and remember that even while all this is happening around me I am rooted in light and I should be focusing on that light. I was off balance for too long now, and I knew I was but I was truly consumed in everything being fed to me from the outside.
It’s time to get back to it and focus on the goal again, I have come a very long way to let go now and I know that when I reap the rewards I will look back at this difficult time and remind myself that I can get through anything if I put my mind to it. I have to remember that I am worthy and that I am enough. Nothing can take me from me, unless I let them.
I had a conversation this week regarding my journey of finding passion or being excited about life. I remembered a time when I found excitement uncomfortable, I did not express passion for anything or excitement.
I lost my freedom to be excited when I got let down almost every single time something excited me. This is how the light gets extinguished in a persons life. As a child our eyes light up for so many things and the people around us let us down, and slowly but surely we lose the ability to just trust something enough to be excited.
A few years ago I realized that I had no fire burning inside of me anymore. My light had been put out and I was really just walking through this life in a comfort zone that was not healthy or moving me in a positive direction. I was so numbed to pain that excitement became too risky. Too many people had let me down and too many negatives had dampened my spirit. However, it was not all doom and gloom because once I realized that I had no fire burning for my life, I began to search for things that will ignite a flame in my belly once again. The process of finding ones passion is a very scary process and it involves letting go of many protective mechanisms that I thought were keeping me safe but instead were keeping me imprisoned. The topic of caging oneself is a very interesting one because nobody is really stopping us from living our best lives but us. We stop ourselves by telling ourselves we cannot do it or should not do it and will not do it. Whatever it may be, we don’t give life a chance because we are too afraid of the possibility of pain that comes along with the risk of excitement.
One example is that I have only recently started celebrating my birthdays properly and by recently I mean +/- 10 years out of my 40 years I have celebrated properly. This began not because I chose to celebrate but because the people around me saw a need to create light for me on this day and saw how I shied away from any light that was shone on me. I had to learn to accept love, because I did not trust love. I had to learn how to be celebrated because I never truly celebrated myself. It sounds really sad, and truthfully it was. I’m not saying I didn’t have people that wanted to celebrate me, because I really did, I’m just saying that I had trouble trusting that process and allowing those people to celebrate me without caution because they were unsure of how I would react.
Pain drowns passion, but once you begin to heal the pain, your passion will have room to resurface and create the flame in your soul that lights up your eyes. Once I made the decision to try, to push myself past the comfort of my pain, to allow myself to feel pain freely with an understanding that it is not forever and that from that experience growth will come. One small risk at a time, one small step at a time. But you have to do the work, you have to try to understand why you hold back and heal that pain, feel that pain and move past it or you will be stuck in the realm of doom and gloom with no excitement for the rest of your existence.
I am happy to say that if I can break free of this dark space then so can you. I started to try new things, like dancing, and I started this blog, I started writing more and I changed my career, I even changed my mind about myself. I realized that if I don’t give myself the time of day then who will? It took a complete change to wake me up, it took an entire community to show me that I have really been living in darkness. I give credit to the dancing community for showing me that I can push myself through discomfort, I can trust some people and not everyone is going to let me down. I had made lots of progress before dance, but it was in this group that my eyes were really opened. How they celebrate you, how they embrace you and you become a part of their family as you are. I tried to keep my distance, I really did , but it was impossible, there was just too much love and light that got thrown my way for me to lose that battle, and now I have a group of people that I can call family and with my dance family I find myself thrown into so much excitement that I could never imagine even living how I used to live. This is an example of how putting yourself out in the world and trying new things can bring so much joy if you just allow it.
My next challenge is personal excitement, for my intimate space, trusting people with my heart and allowing people to be close enough to me to allow the process of trust to excite me. Trust and me are a work in progress but in writing these messages to you and sharing myself with you I am finding that with trusting myself and my very own choices that I trust more because now I trust my choices in the people that I have allowed in my intimate space.
So what I’m saying is… trust yourself enough to pursue your inner desires for yourself. Allow yourself to be excited about your ideas even if people have let you down, you can still pursue your dreams. They will try to dampen your spirits but will only succeed if you let them. You have to push through the pain and fight for your dreams, you have to chase after your passion and you have to absolutely believe that you can do all things that you wish to do. You have to believe in yourself, because you should be your number one fan. You have to remove all things and people that create doubt in yourself and you must surround yourself with people who want to see you succeed and want to add fuel to your fire. Those that are trying to put it out have no place in your life.
Find what excites you and do more of that… Try new things, find new adventures every chance you get.
Thank you for being a part of my journey and adding value to my passion by following my journey.
This piece is about my vision for my life, for myself and how I feel so close to it that I can taste it, but something holds me back and I never seem to grab a hold of the things that are right in front of me, the things that are meant for me, but I’m always too afraid to let them in because sometimes I think my greatest fear is that I will succeed and as much as I am hungry for it all, I am also fearful and I just can’t seem to overcome this fear of leaving the only thing I’ve ever known, the only life I’ve ever known. This is my expression of my dance with my hopes and my dreams that are always right in front of me to reach out and take, but I never do…
Sometimes I wonder about what I see, and if that thing is just for me? It looks like something that I could need, but is it just going to fill my greed?
My soul is tempted to reach out and touch it, my heart is afraid that I might just break it! How beautiful this present is to me, but is it mine for me to see?
I want to hold it in my arms and gently touch it and feel all its charms, it calls me in whispers to pull me near, but I’m not convinced about what I hear,
You look too good to be mine, I feel if I touch you everything will decline, it’s like what they told me once a long time ago, that it’s not for me to have that glow.
But your gentle whispers say ‘come here’, and my fearful nature doesn’t dare. I see the happiness that you could bring, but I just don’t seem to trust a thing.
I see my future with you here, my dreams come true and my fear will disappear, but if I reach out for you now, my clumsy hands could drop you and I’ll completely break down…
Maybe you’re just not for me, maybe my future isn’t what I see, how do I know who to be, if I cant even figure out whats special to me.
I see you standing there within my grasp, but are you really up for this task, do you think that what could be, eternally and forever is just for me?
Or am I thinking way too much about how you’re right there within my touch, the truth is that if I take the chance right now, I’m too afraid I’ll let you down,
I think you’re better off way out there, far away from all my fear, it might be best if you stay away because I might ruin everything, anyway. It’s safe to keep you held up high , where nothing can touch you, way up in the sky,
I think I should be careful about what I dare to dream, because I know you might just come right here to me, without a warning or any time, when you decide that you are mine,
I wont be able to push you away, once you’re here you will be here to stay, I wonder about what that life will be, with you right here next to me, but I’ll rather leave it up to you, because I’ll never say no to my dreams coming true.
I thought everything was good; that I was doing all the right things, making all the right choices and finding all the proper connections that I needed in life. Truthfully life is so much better now than it has been in a very long time, because I have made so many improvements and adjustments, but when it comes to those deeply rooted changes, the ones that shift you in your core and bring out every vulnerability you harbored in those dark corners of your soul and hoped that they will just disappear on their own … Yesterday I was reminded that they wont. They stay there until you face them, and now my biggest one seems to have resurfaced and I have to face her, because she is me…
I learnt that sometimes we think we are connected properly to life, love and people but there are breaks in those connections that can create misunderstandings and miscommunication. When you dance with someone the most important part is connection, if you can allow yourself that moment of vulnerability, maintaining a point of connection through the dance, then there’s going to be a beautiful and mind-blowing experience shared because you chose trust and opened yourself to allow a flow of energy from one person the the other… on the other hand, a break in connection will create uncertainty in which direction to go and how your partner needs you to move. As a ‘follow’ in the dance world you have to keep ‘looking’ for him and as a lead you he needs to connect with you properly in order to guide you to create a perfect flow of harmonious movements and dance to the rhythm of the music. Much like life, when choosing people to be in your personal space, you have to allow yourself to fully connect with those people. You have to open yourself up in a way that makes you vulnerable and let them see you with all your flaws and trust that the right people will accept you as you are and look to lead you or guide you to dance in the music of life anyway.
Any relationship requires communication and acceptance, starting with the relationship you have with yourself. There is so much about myself that I try to hide, how can I truly be free until these things no longer control me. I have kept myself so far away from the closeness of people for so very long that my brain completely loses it when someone actually manages to find their way into my heart. How did they get here, what magic is this? But here’s the truth, those bonds that form without you even realizing it are the ones that are very difficult to break. These are ones that are not forced, and so are real and true. Sometimes it’s difficult to belief that even after so much pain that connections like this, that are so real, so raw and so pure actually can still exist. When holding back is not necessary because you know that the person on the other end has got you.
I always speak of love in all of its forms; family love, friendship, nature and romantic love. Connections come in different forms, but nothing is set in stone. I always teach my daughter that nothing in life stays the same, everything is constantly changing, whether we want it to or not. People change every day, with every new piece of information we change. Relationships too, they change every day with every interaction, with every moment you share or with every encounter, that relationship will change for the better or the worst. The world is in a constant state of change, no matter how small the change may be and whether you can see it or not is irrelevant because it is happening whether you want it to or not. The secret is this: the more you resist the change happening around you, the harder accepting them and maintaining true happiness will be for you. Happiness and true happiness are different, you can be happy on a surface level and keep people at a distance, not allowing anyone in. However, when you have people that have your best interests at heart and those people have managed to make way into the deepest corners of your heart and your life why would you want to resist it? Why would you choose to resist it? I’ll tell you why…It’s because trusting someone with all your vulnerabilities is scary and it means you give them full access to you which means they can hurt you deeply and hurt people avoid that at all cost. But here’s the thing, if you don’t give complete access to those that you find real connection with, then that connection will die and you will never really experience true happiness because relationships only flow easily when openness is the foundation, and once the door of transparency closes that connection will die too and the relationship will die along with it.
So when you find someone that sees you for you, and accepts you for you, that loves you for you without giving that person or connection labels, why not just allow yourself to be vulnerable and keep looking for that point of connection that keeps you moving in complete harmony with each other so that when its needed you are able to follow a good lead and dance through life together instead of just on your own. Yes dancing alone is fun, but once you find true connection, with someone that has got you and you can trust that connection, dancing alone will fall into second place because alone you only have your voice and you can only correct the flaws that you see, but with others in your life you can get a perspective that you would never have seen on your own and you will learn life lessons that you could never have taught yourself. So when that change happens, a good change, a positive change and you find your life intertwined in relationships that no matter what happens in the future you can look back and say that it was worth every single moment, because you danced a real, raw and truthful dance and even if it has to end, the love that you felt never really ends, the joy that you gained never actually leaves you and the memories that you share will always carry you into the future. I know this because when I lost my person, the pain was so deep that I never thought I would trust anyone with myself ever again. But even though she is gone her love is still with me, now more than ever, because I carry her in these new connections. I feel her smiling when I make better choices and I feel her frowning when I make bad choices. I carry her in my heart when I see how I’ve opened myself to new connections, new people, new friendships, and new relationships. It’s just about finding someone who gets you, accepts you and loves you unconditionally, because that’s what love is, unconditional. To love someone without limiting them to conditions, as they are, allows you to truly love yourself as you are without placing limitations on who you are too. That way if you begin to walk a different path to me, we will still walk in love even if we choose separate lives.
Intimate relationships/ friendships are only viable if you completely trust the connection. Which is why we have to be picky with who we choose to share our intimate space. I have been blessed and I am truly grateful for my people, the ones who know that we are in it for the long run. Those that have been playing this game of life with me since childhood and the new ones that have crept into my heart without even trying to, I blinked and there you were. You are my people and you add so much value to my life, all of you. I will hold you in my heart forever, no matter your choices.
Live your life with people that are true not only to themselves but to the connection they have with you as well.
I love you all, thank you for sharing this journey of growth and understanding with me and for reading the words of my heart with kindness and love.
I was hiking with some friends and a valuable lesson was learnt along the way. Something I knew theoretically but putting it into practice was a bit of a wake up call for me.
The reward for this hike was a waterfall that we all got to see and enjoy but when we arrived one person was told that they can climb up and get behind the waterfall. This is what fascinated me, he didn’t even hesitate, he just went for it, climbed up the side of this waterfall and we all watched him enjoy the top. I was so tempted to go up, but i was worried about coming back down. The others were relaxing watching him with growing curiosity because we also wanted to see the view from up there.
Eventually after listening to me contemplate going up everyone decided to do it and going against my better judgement or my cautious approach I just did it. The top was breathtaking, worth every moment, even the fear of climbing down disappeared for just a moment, until it was that time.
The fear was greater than the climb down, it was actually easy and I spent all that time being fearful instead of embracing the moment and just doing what I wanted to in the first place.
My goal is to be like the person that didn’t hesitate and climbed because he knew what he wanted and didn’t really need the motivation or agreement of other people to see what he wanted to see. That is how you are meant to live, fearless, free and true to yourself. I’m grateful that I got to have that experience, even though I wasn’t brave enough to just go for it at first, I was brave enough in the end. It has awakened something in me that I used to know as a young person, a sense of adventure that I used to enjoy and lost somewhere along the way.
It’s amazing how timing plays an important part, because if this came at another time I would have made every excuse not to be there. My couch would have been my first choice, but after spending so much time quarantining, the couch has lost its appeal and nature seems to be so much more attractive once again. It’s even got me waking up to watch the sunrise and looking forward to absorbing the energy that comes with being awake at twilight.
I once looked at people who woke up early as crazy, because I was warm in my house, but my perspective has definitely changed. I see the positives now and they really do outweigh the negative. It’s the perfect time to have a shift in perspective and I’m really grateful to the people that are supporting me and pushing me through.
Live your life full of adventure and whenever you can get into nature, take the opportunity. The reward is so much greater that the risk.
My life has been so busy lately. Everything is a rush, shopping is a rush, even being in the outdoors is a rush. We can’t for a moment forget that there is danger lurking and it can attack from any moment. I get it, I do, but just because I understand, doesn’t make it less worrisome. People are not living, they are just rushing. I work more now from home than I did when I was in the office, because from home any hour seems like a good hour to get something done.
I am afraid for humanity. I’m afraid that we are going to develop this habit of rushing, even when the virus has been contained and is no longer a threat, by then it may become a lifestyle. It took me some time to stop and realize that this is still my life and even though there are restrictions I can still try to live it the best way I can. I fight the darkness in my mind often, because before people were the thing that kept me in check and every time I needed a dose of love or a hug, it was easy to receive. Now that hugs are scarce and love is via video calls, I’m struggling to find a balance between light and dark.
Slowly I am learning to try and normalize my life as much as I can, within the boundaries of safety and respect for others under this new way we live. I have noticed that I have pulled away from people. Not all people , but most people. Not because I don’t love them, or because I don’t care, but because I don’t have as much light to give as I did when things were less complicated. One thing I don’t share is darkness, because shared darkness spreads, and I believe in fighting for light and nurturing what I have until there is enough to share again.
If it wasn’t for those pushing me to do more, to exercise and to try, even though its tough. I would probably be a hot mess, because being human comes with flaws and none of us are perfect. I am grateful to have the friendships that I have in my intimate space. Yes I said intimate space, that space where I can be myself completely and trust that I am enough, even with my flaws. I’m generally a force to reckon with, but even then I need to have backup. We are definitely stronger together than we are alone and I see this now that my challenge is just making it through today without completely derailing and to try to stop at least once and admire the beauty that still surrounds me even in the middle of chaos.
I have to realize that this is still my life, and rushing through won’t change anything. Being careful doesn’t equate to losing hope and bypassing beauty because of fear.
It’s the first day of July and I am dedicating this month to stopping and remembering what’s important. I want to embrace the now and use this time to improve myself instead of destroying myself. I have to stop and remember that this too shall pass, but in the meantime love will be my comfort and my strength, love in all its forms, but only if I let it in. Not even love can get on a moving train, so in order for my kid to be loved properly, I have to stop, and the same goes for my closest friends and family. I have to stop and let them in and so do you. Or this is going to be a very lonely ride!
I love you all and I’m so grateful that you share this journey with me.
Please stay safe and take care of yourselves and your loved ones.
It’s starting to feel like so much more responsibility keeps coming my way. I’m not complaining because I know that with success comes responsibility but the pressure is definitely on for me to keep up the pace right now.
I had 2 months of doing nothing, and basically just breathing while trying to collect my thoughts and redirect myself in the direction I actually need or want to go. I was so out of balance that I think it was a well needed 2 months of peace and not working. However not too long a go I had a thought that this calm was nice, but is this the calm before a storm. How do I prepare myself for whatever is coming my way, especially when I have no clue because of this pandemic. My life could go any way right now and just like that I blinked and a door opened. I promised myself that I will walk through all the open doors to see whats inside and give it a chance even if I am a little afraid. This door didn’t make me feel afraid but things have changed and I feel like the responsibility of helping people motivates me to make sure that I do things correctly. Mostly because a mistake means someones lives are inconvenienced instead of taking a load off them.
Everything I asked for , as usual is here. But what I realise with every ask is that , it looks easy from a dream, but the reality is always a different reality. Working from home for example isnt the easiest thing to do. Discipline plays a huge part here and its very easy to be tempted to do everything else but work.
Not being confined to a 9 to 5 means that sometimes at 6pm something comes up and you sort it out, or even at 10pm and idea pops into your mind and then its work mode. I have realised though that even though the picture inst exactly as I imagined it , when it comes down to the nitty gritty , I still believe that we pave our own pathway by the things we say to ourselves and the things we secretly wish for.
So now that I am being given a taste of what I’ve asked for, its time for me to show myself that I can do this and I can do it well. The pressure is on for me to perform, not for the world to see , but for me to see that I can push past my limitations and I do have this under control and once I have it in the bag, that I can push even further and move to the next level.
It’s all about pushing past those boundaries and making the most of what we have now in order to get to where we see ourselves in our dreams. I’m so grateful for the ability to see past the surface of most situations allowing me to overlook plenty and just push through. It also helps that my support system really supports me and I am slowly learning how to be a supportive person too.
I love you guys , seriously, thank you … you rock!
I promised myself that if I’m going to do this it’s always going to be an authentic journey both for me and for those who choose to read my posts. Sometimes I stare at a blank screen and have no idea what I want to share with you and sometimes my energy and words flow freely and nothing can stop the words from pouring out of me.
It has me thinking about the things that cause blocks in my productivity and my inspiration. When my mind is blocked the words don’t flow and sometimes what I write just feels wrong so instead I choose not to post anything until my energy is up again. While looking into what causes me to blank out I realized that energy is the greatest factor. Next to my lack of energy is fear. The fear that creeps up in me stems from the past, and the little voice in my head tells me so many negative things that I know are not true but something in me seems to hold onto these past feelings. Feelings of not being good enough, feelings of insecurity, ‘what will the neighbors say’ was the biggest thing that got drummed into my head. I never want to disappoint my family, nobody does really, but I realize, that as I venture into my purpose using my gifts, that pleasing my family or my friends becomes less of a priority. the priority is being an authentic person, staying true to my calling, my purpose and my journey. Understanding that people will always have something to say and that no matter what, I have to push through to continue building myself and my strengths in order to persevere.
As I continue with my journey and heal my wounds one day at a time, I realize that not everybody that I once called friend will stay with me on this journey, and that is OK. I realize that even when I lose the most precious things to me, that I’m never left with nothing and what I have left will always be the tools I can use for my new ending. I realize that I may not be able to change the beginning of my story, nobody can change the past. It is set in stone, it will never change. However I can change my future, my now, my new choices. Yes, there will be people holding me to a standard that I once was held to, but those people will have to understand that who I am now is not I was 10 years ago. They will have to let go of their requirements of me and realize that I have my own requirements and standards now that are no longer in alignment with what they once knew.
One of my blocks is the guilt of letting go. Letting go of relationships that no longer have a positive impact on my life. Understanding that change is not supposed to be an easy process and that the discomfort I feel when making transformations is necessary for me to grow. I have to allow myself to say goodbye to my past and leave its darkness behind and instead choose to find the light and the lessons in the pain that I had to endure.
So when I find myself staring at a blank screen I have to remember not to limit myself to what I think you want to read but instead share the truth as it stands for what I want to share. My truth may not be what some want to hear, but as long as it helps those that need to hear it in order to grow,to learn and to realize that they are not alone, I will continue to share myself as best as I can with those who need me to. I will continue to stare at the blank screen until the words come flowing out and I will continue to serve you with honesty and realness, with authentic versions of my truth as long as you need me to.
Thank you for sharing your love and your light with me.
Isn’t it so sexy when you see a person that takes care of themselves even in the midst of chaos? When the peace that flows through them is so apparent that u just wanna be close to them so you can maybe catch some of that energy flow and hopefully just hopefully get a glimpse into their peace. Where in a world filled with chaos theres that person that just look so… together?
I’m not talking about smooth talking, good looking or even financially able people. I’m talking about the ones that just got this sense of calm about them, all the time… That is my kinda sexy. Not boring… calm. Not perfect but healthy, looks have nothing to do with it, but the effort and love that goes into their appearance is noticeable.
It probably has something to do with my own habits, because I feel sexiest when I’m taking excellent care of myself, when my skin is soft and when I’m soaking in a bubble bath completely immersed in peace and calm where not only my body gets to relax but my mind too. When I know that I’ve groomed and had a facial or neatened my eyebrows. When I am balanced and I get a good session of exercise in my day and my diet is one that serves my body not destroys it. This is when I’m feeling sexiest and happiest and no matter the shape of my thighs or the chub on my cheeks or the crooked in my smile, nothing can take away the joy and the glow in me when I am truly balanced.
I guess because this is when I am at my highest high and when I got my shit together so I find myself attracted to this type of person in both my love life and my friendships. I know how out of whack I feel when I’m eating unhealthy and not exercising, this happens all the time, I also know how I lose my confidence and how I just don’t feel alive in myself and bright. You see if you surround yourself with my kind of sexy, then when you lose your spark or your balance every now and then it’s that person that will push you back into it, nudge you in the right direction and make sure that you find your glow again and vice versa. This is how it’s supposed to be, this is what true sexiness is. Finding your best and always striving to improve, but also being in your worst and having someone that pushes you through, not for any other reason but for your benefit and your happiness.
Be sexy, be that person for yourself and for others when they need you, surround yourself with people like this and you will surely follow in their ways or use their methods to find you own way.
Thank you to my sexy people who push me into balance and pull me out of sluggishness when I fall in the trap. I love you and I appreciate you.
It’s so easy to fall into the trap that people have set up for us. Where we find ourselves blindly following and obsessing over things that we have been convinced actually matter. Like money and having lots of it. Yes, I know, money makes life easier and I’m not saying that money is bad, how could it be? It’s just a piece of paper or a coin that we as humans have given value to and have made life extremely difficult to live without.
We find ourselves sacrificing precious time with family and loved ones for money. We even sometimes sell our souls to make more of it. We have been convinced that we are nothing if we don’t have an exorbitant amount of it and we even look for life partners that are able to promise us financial stability if we choose them. But what about life itself? Actual life? How much of our time are we investing on prioritizing staying alive, being alive and, well, taking care of ourselves and our loved ones in every way that is needed and not only wanted in the form of finances.
Are we taking time out of our day to nourish our minds, our bodies and our souls? If we are that’s great! Have you taken the time out of your day to share your balance and your abilities with others? Or do you feel like sharing knowledge just isn’t your thing? I find that my success in any form only feels truly worth it to me when I have managed to share it with others. When give someone the tools and the knowledge to also find success in their lives. Whether it be in the form of writing or sharing verbally. What good is my life work, my life pain and my life’s success if not to share it with others to take from it any knowledge or strength that they may need. I’m happy to share and exchange energy and stories with you because I know that true success for me means that I have achieved my own personal goals as well as shared with whoever wants to listen, how I overcame challenges on the way in the hopes of them finding the will and the strength to overcome as well.
Recently the world has been ‘caught with its pants down’ and is now trying to do damage control, but this damage that’s being done is irreversible. Lives are being lost and people are getting sick. Everybody else sits in fear of the unknown waiting to feel safe again, waiting for things to go back to normal. So many people have lost their jobs and now face the challenge of feeding their families and paying for the roof over their heads. Some are panicking others remain calm but in the midst of all this we are all just fighting to survive. Because if we lose our lives then none of it matters anymore. Not the money, or the pretty things. Just the love that we share and the impact that we made will be left behind. So while we all sit at home, or even go to work in this uncertain time, what are we doing to maintain a balance in our lives and in our hearts? Are we mindlessly watching the news all day or peoples social media opinions and fear based rants and feeding ourselves with fear too? Or are we actually taking this time to reassess what’s important to us and how we have been living our lives thus far? For those of us that are able to use this time to make adjustments to our lives, to our priorities and for those of us who are losing what we know and have to find new ways to survive, how are we changing our lives in a way that will create a new path for us? A new perspective, how are we using this time to adjust? Are we reading more? Are we meditating? Are you taking the time to give yourself what you need while you actually have this time? Are you brainstorming ways to make an income if yours has been compromised? Or are you just allowing yourself to fall into the trap of absorbing all the dogma that is being spewed out to us, which seems to be blindly accepted and has been blindly accepted throughout the years.
Instead of just following the collective consciousness of the world, why don’t you take the time to find your own consciousness? Who you are and what you truly think and believe. Why don’t you take the time to look in the mirror and for once stop allowing external input to dictate to you who you are and what you should be doing. For once look inside yourself and follow your own instincts and be guided by your own true thoughts and beliefs. The time is now to make the changes you need to make, the time is now to use the isolation to your benefit and grow yourself in some way, the time is now to fight for your survival and to be bold in your convictions. Do not let the limitations of others stop you from surviving this time, from pushing through the boundaries of collective consciousness and finding your own way to live without the worry of “what others may think.”
Everything at this point is unknown, so instead of choosing fear, choose faith, choose life, choose hope and choose love. Choose to find a way even when there seems to be no way. Look to your maker, your God, look within yourself for everything you need is in there and everything you don’t have your creator will provide, for grace and love will always find its way to those that surrender themselves to life itself. The very being the gives us breath, the source of life.
At the end of the day, when you look at yourself in the mirror you have to be pleased with what you see and who you are because it’s you that has to live with whats inside of you, for nobody else will ever know but you.
My mother tells a story of me helping my drunken neighbor, who had passed out on the pavement next to our house. I was young about 13 years old and he needed help, so I helped him. Do I remember this incident? Absolutely not, do I believe her? Absolutely, because I know that my heart today could never leave a neighbor on the ground when I could help, so my innocent (ish) 13 year old self would definitely not be able to let that go. Why am I telling you this story? Because today I decided to just let whatever comes out of me come out freely and that I will share it with you without being too concerned with what the neighbors will think or the church will think or just anyone really. My life is my life and all this shame that people feel they need to force on me and on you is just not cool.
I’m not supposed to talk about many things because it will bring shame on me or my family. But truthfully the only one that allows the shame to manifest is me. I am the one that feels shame. Why because we are raised in shame. People just mustn’t know because they will think badly of you. I get how this was important many moons ago, when the world was still in black and white and priorities were different and women basically were just there to make babies and be a wife to some man. Mixing races was a ridiculous thought back then and so was same sex marriages. Slavery was a thing too, but hey lets not raise our sons and daughters in this decade with the same shame that was placed on people in the past.
Last night I cried a little, not because a virus is taking over the world, not because people are dying and its out of my control, this is something that my heart cries out for every single day and I cant bear to imagine the level of pain families are going through at this time. It weighs heavy on my heart every day as we are asked to stay home and protect not only ourselves but everyone else too. No last night my tears were closer to home, I cried because I felt like a failure. I felt like a failure because I lost my cool AGAIN and used words to express my frustration that no 11 year old needs to hear. My kid never hears me use curse words, only when the level of angry does not allow for any other words to describe the amount of frustration.
One “f*#en hell” and the tears ran down her cheeks because she places blame on herself when she sees frustration in me. I know this because she tells me its her fault that I am frustrated and then she self shames because it’s how she relates my anger to herself. Now let’s understand that I immediately rectify her thoughts with a greater understanding of how my frustration is not her fault, that I love her unconditionally and she is the joy in my world. That my frustration comes from my own choices and my own failures and they have nothing to do with her. I had to remind her how precious she is to me and to the world and that sometimes being an adult is really tough and that we don’t always know what we are doing. That we feel just like she does but we don’t always get to express ourselves as freely as kids do. Eventually she smiled again and told me that she understands and that she loves me and will try to do better tomorrow. (meaning chores and schoolwork etc) because obviously this was the reason I lost my cool a little bit.
Once she fell asleep I was allowed to finally let the tears out and feel everything. Overwhelmed with just everything at this point, for the first time in a very long time I felt alone, I felt like I had nobody that I could call at 1am when my world was falling apart because, well, that person died 6 years ago and lets be real, people are asleep at that time and finding people that will drop the world and answer a call at that hour is just ridiculous. Or maybe its just me that doesn’t feel like burdening my tribe with tears at 1am because I know they are like me and the phone is on silent and sleep is not gonna be disturbed, so it would be pointless anyway.
I felt like a failure as a mother, I felt like a failure as a person and I felt like a failure as a woman.
Being a single mother comes with guilt, guilt of not being able to give her everything I feel in my belief system that she deserves. 2 parents, white picket fence… you know the supposed dream that we as girls are taught to believe is the way to be. It doesn’t help that all my child wants are these things and I spend my time explaining to her why she doesn’t have them
My feeling of failing as a person comes from the general expectation the world had on me when I was younger. That I would do more and be more and success would find me. I look at my life and one day I feel truly blessed , and then the next I feel overwhelmed with bills. How will I have enough to cover everything and now that my salary is uncertain how will I cover anything? I used my savings to travel last year, now what? I honestly feel like every choice I made has left me a failure. I’m supposed to have done so much to help change the world by now, I wanted to help so many people, but darkness in my heart, pain from my past and fear just kept me making shitty choices. My choices are better now, yes but look at how behind I am? I’m supposed to be doing this stuff in my 20’s not at 40. But here I am making better choices, now, rather late than never I guess. I have grown so much and achieved so much in a short time, but last night my heart would not allow me to see these things, just pain and regret. I know I haven’t ACTUALLY failed as a person, when the darkness becomes light all is well and all the sorrow is forgotten because Joy comes in the morning with the gift of another day to do better to try harder and to love more… right?
My feeling of failure as a woman comes from the expectation that the world has always had on me to marry. My fathers heart will rest only when he knows that I have found someone to share my life with. Half the world says I’m better off and the other says I’m not. My heart was hardened to marriage because of the poor examples I had of it around me and the pain that it caused me as a child. As a teen I would dream of meeting someone and doing the whole family thing yes, because that was the dream all little girls were told by their grandmothers and their aunts and their mothers. but after a failed 7 year relationship by 25 lets just say I closed my heart off to love, I didn’t believe it was for me and so sabotaged every chance I had to find love back then. I didn’t even realize I was doing that until I began to work on healing that pain of my past. It’s amazing how we protect ourselves by avoiding the thing that hurt us. My father always teased that I wouldn’t be young and pretty forever and I should snatch someone up before the wrinkles came, hahaha. But I was too busy avoiding life to see that in his joking he was really concerned for me. I know in reality I have not failed as a woman and that this is just a way of punishing myself for the many bad choices I’ve made in the past, but last night my heart wouldn’t let me see any light and so I had to feel the pain that my heart felt.
So I cried and let a layer of pain leave my body because I know that the only way to heal is to feel and I know that the only way to resolve is to face the feeling and work through it in the morning. So here I am today, I decided that this blog cannot be just about happy days and happy times, but also about whats real, and whats real for me right now is that I feel vulnerable to many things because I am alone in my personal struggle because only I can resolve the conflict within myself. But I also know that I am not actually alone in my struggle because even in this lock down where my movement is limited and things are scary and unknown, I know that I may physically be alone here in my space, but I am not really alone in the world because the people that I have chosen to be in my world are amazing people and even though they sleep at 1am, I know that if I reach out to them that they will reach right back as soon as they possibly can.
This morning I am once again filled with hope, filled with light and the pain of last night resolved and the lesson taken with me into the future. I am not perfect, I know, but I am doing the best I can with what I have, and yes the pressures of the world may make me feel insufficient at times but in truth I know that I am not measured by the things that I have or the money that I make but I am measured by what is in my heart and how I choose to live my life from this day forward. So the past is not there to haunt me but to grow me and teach me and guide me, and my tears are not there to torture me but to heal me and help me to shed the internal pain that I carry with me. One day I know that it will all make sense, I know that everything I’ve lived will not seem as confusing to me as it did before and that all the pain in the end will have purpose.
I share this with you because I know i am not alone in these feelings of insufficiency and because I want to do all that I can to help whoever I can to resolve their pain and to feel less alone even if all I can do for now is write down my story, or parts of it at least, Its the on thing that I have to share and giving love and light right now in any way shape or form means one step closer to fighting of darkness and warming up cold hearts with feelings of love and understanding.
We are all doing the best we can, so please cry if you must, feel what you must but when morning comes and a new day begins, lift your chin up, hold your head high and start again, try again and never give up the fight for life, for love and for purpose. We are all worth the fight, nobody is worthless, together we can overcome everything.
Fear is ruling the world at the moment, people are afraid of the unknown, they always have been and probably always will be. People that allow fear to be their ruler are dangerous people, because fear is from darkness and it tries to put out the light that shines in all of us. But all hope is not lost because courage has overcome fear before, and it will again, there are always warriors of light that in the face of fear look within themselves and find the courage to overcome it even when all hope seems lost. I say ‘seems’ lost because we can never completely lose hope as long as there is a glimmer of light that shines in us.
People that are self serving will try to put out your light and try to make it seem like there is no hope, but let me remind you that even in the greatest test that we are now facing, the test that will be remembered for the rest of our lives, there is always light and there is always hope. These people that spread darkness will spread fear, but lets not forget that even they have hope in them, and it’s in our light and our love that we are sharing and spreading with each other that will help them find their light and their hope. With all the light bearers and light warriors that we have in this world, I have complete faith that hope will be restored as long as we fight together.
Today I was reminded that I am a part of a global family, that I am loved and supported not only by my blood but by my extended family in the world. Until today I took for granted the support and love that I receive from so many, literally from all the corners of the world. In one week I have received video calls, normal calls and text messages from loved ones all over the world, Australia, Canada, USA, UK and so many from my loved ones in South Africa. It took a heartfelt message from a beloved friend who lost a loved one and in this time of pain where many choose to hide in the darkness, they found courage and faced their fears and instead of dwelling in darkness chose light, to share light, to live in light and just to be light in the midst of our darkest times. I was reminded that in times of struggle and pain to remember that we are never given more than we can handle and that the greater the test the greater the person.
I have always preached living in light, I have always spread a message of love, but I too sometimes fall in the realms of fear and that sometimes I too am surrounded by darkness and have to fight. We have to remember that we are in this together, there is no escaping this. Where fear lives in the hearts of many and when love is the only way to fight through this battle. I sometimes lose hope, but there is always a fellow warrior of light who spreads just the message I need to hear to re-ignite my flame before it dims. I hope to be that light for anyone who needs to be reminded that in the midst of darkness, there are always warriors of light fighting their way to you and if you can just open your heart to face your fear and find your courage to spread the love and light that you were born to share.
In the midst of all this fear, don’t give in to darkness, don’t let anger take over and don’t spread hate, look to life and find ways to heal and love instead. Don’t be a part of the problem, choose to be a part of the solution, choose to be a part of togetherness in sharing love and light in a time that we need it most. Please remember that together we are stronger, so lets support each other while the world weeps in pain, as she loses her people, as she watches her children starve and cry out to their God to save them. It’s a time for togetherness even if we have to do it in separation, let’s show solidarity in doing what we can to minimize the risk of spreading this problem and doing what we can to love and support those in need instead of spewing hate and spreading darkness where light is the only hope we have in making it through this. It may not seem like a big deal to many, that’s because you have not felt a loss or have not had to suffer because of it, I pray that you never have to because this pain you would not wish on anyone.
Live your life spreading light not darkness and be the light that you need, so you too can help others.
So today is day 16 of South Africa’s official lock down but day 26 of my self isolation and now things are starting to get interesting. It’s time for me to start looking into how the bills will get paid with me not being able to work a single day in the month of April. How do I know for sure that May will be cleared for movement, and if its not, how will I get bills paid? I haven’t had to ask this question in a very long time , but here I am faced with a dilemma. This is what the general population has to face when they have a job that they actually have to physically be at in order to get it done and get paid. My domestic worker has rent to pay and quite frankly, so do I and if I’m concerned can you imagine how worried she is? As a human being its my duty to make sure that she has a roof over her head and that she and her kids have food to eat, she is a member of my family and we love her dearly. Yet how do I manage if my salary is cut or no existent? How will I send her money even though she cannot work, I am her only source of survival, if I dont get paid how do I extend myself to her and her needs?
Before this pandemic, I was very comfortable. most of my needs were met and I honesty lived a pretty protected lifestyle. As a single mother to an 11 year old and a woman that financially has a household to single-handedly keep afloat, but on top of that my domestic worker and her family is my responsibility too as she too is single-handedly keeping herself afloat. It’s a domino effect really, if I crash she crashes and I simply cannot have this situation play out in the worst case scenario.
This pandemic will undoubtedly change the world forever, we don’t know how, but things will never be as they once were. In times like this where worry creeps in, where not much is in our control, I look to God, the maker of us all, whether you believe in God or not, when challenges are out our hands and we can only do very little to make change, I look to the creator of everything that is alive, at life itself and I call for mercy, I call for peace, I call for sympathy. I am so thankful for the life I have been blessed with thus far and when things have been tasked to me I try my best to follow the call that I hear through the whispers of life.
It’s in times like these however that our true character shines through and who we actually are will show. To those that are not willing to sacrifice their freedom for the good of mankind and still go for runs, walks and swims in public areas when the rest of the country is trying to fight an enemy that is yours too, your character and selfishness is being shown to the world. In the end, while we are trying to overcome obstacles like survival, it is you, that feels the struggle of every South African is beneath you and that you are too self important to follow rules and regulations. We see you. You lose the respect of the nation when you are so self absorbed in your own needs that the needs of those less privileged than you become obsolete. We see you, and we pray that you have a change of heart because when you actually open your eyes and see how the earth is crying because so much life has been lost, when you stop for just a moment in your bubble of self absorption and see that over 100 000 people have lost their lives and families are mourning the death of their loved ones from afar. I pray that as you take your jog and possibly spread and move around a virus unknowingly because you touched something, or someone, that the pain of every potential person you could infect due to your stupidity finds it’s way to your heart and helps you to change your mind about being the self absorbed human that you are portraying yourself to be. I can only pray for your change of heart, that you change your mind and realize the potential damage you could be doing to all of us that have mouths to feed and that do not have the privilege of unlimited financial resources. That you heed the cries of children that have lost their parents and parents that have lost their children, along with the cries of those that were already struggling before this pandemic hit us and now they are at a point of all hope being lost in hunger and pain as their lives and what little they had to begin with fall to pieces with little or nothing they can do to prevent it.
I’m worried that these inconsiderate people will be the reason I can’t go back to work along with the rest of South Africa, the reason this lock down will keep getting extended, the reason the spread of this virus will not come to a halt and the reason I will run out of savings and whatever funds I was able to put away for this type of emergency. My money will stretch to a certain extent, yes, but it too will come to a complete end and then what, what do we do then? How does my helper eat then? How does my family eat then? Who will pay my rent? these are the questions going through minds of the majority of people in the world that actually have to get up and work for a living, where no work means no pay, and no pay means no food and no shelter.
For the love of humanity and the survival of our people, before we start losing lives to starvation as well as this pandemic, can we just do our part and stay the f*#! at home people. Don’t be that person that feels they are beyond this, you are not.
Live your life responsibly please, our lives are in your hands.
It’s not easy to be productive when you are home and have fallen into the cycle of late nights and sleeping in every day. However today am inspired by the many talented people who are being an inspiration to the world despite their circumstances. What I found is that the more I watch these people on social media platforms share themselves through their talents to keep the world spirits up and to do what they can to make their mark in the midst of this crisis. We can only control ourselves and what we do. So its up to us not to fall into the lazy trap and just binge on everything that we can find.
Food is meant to provide us with nourishment and give our bodies energy to perform at its best. It’s not meant to keep us busy while we are bored. If you are going to eat out of boredom then expect your energy levels to drop because too much food does more harm than good to our bodies.
I read once that if you find yourself bored it means that you are not making enough of an effort to be your best and to grow because there are never enough books to read or online courses to take, there are always ways to self assess and make moves to create change no matter how small in your life. Boredom is a reflection of the choices that you are making for your life, and the way to overcome that is by taking the time to assess why you don’t have the motivation to improve yourself and instead choose to call it boredom.
I write about this because I too fall into lazy spells where days go by and I have done nothing to improve myself and binge watching series or movies is all I can bring myself to do. I’m lucky enough though to have friends that remind me to be productive and to make an effort. I also have access to the internet where I get to watch all these inspiring connections being made, where DJ’s from all over the world continue to play sets online, dance teachers continue to offer free classes online and musicians are not only sharing information but collaborating in singing songs to keep the world positive and hopeful.
I’ve been in isolation for 24 days today, first it was self isolation after my attendance to a festival to keep whatever germs I may or may not have been carrying to myself, but now it’s because of the national lock down that the entire country has to adhere to. It hasn’t been too much of a daunting task to stay home because I’m blessed with a garden big enough to keep me sane and to take a walk when I need to. However I have definitely not been as productive as I normally am, and its time to step up and begin to make the changes in my daily routine to boost productive energy. How am I going to do this? Well I have to start with self care. If I don’t actually take care of myself an my body how can I be productive? So starting today I have to find the motivation to exercise in some way, whether it be yoga, dancing ,weights, skipping or even just a good skipping session. I’ve already made changes to go back to my healthy eating habits because the carbohydrate overloading was making me uncomfortable and just bloated. So that one seems to be under control. I also need to make time to read every day, instead of screentime, I need to take time to read a book, challenge my brain a bit to use its imagination and to create its own pictures instead of the tv or laptop just doing it for me. Household chore that I have been avoiding are getting tackled one at a time because my helper is also on lockdown and I am left to do it all. Maing sure to prepare healthy meals every day keeps me bouncing around in the kitchen happily to my favorite playlists.
So it’s time for me to improve myself where I can every day and to use this time to make the most of all the things I won’t be able to focus on when its back to the hustle and bustle of life as we once knew it. I call on you to look at the choices you are making every day and to ask yourself what positive changes can you look into making while you have this downtime. How are you using this time to improve your family life or to reach out to people who you normally would not have the time to reach out to. Make that call, read that book, play that game your kid has been asking you to play for so long, make that video you keep putting off or do that online course that you said you didn’t have enough time to do. There is nothing but time now, to focus on all the things that are not on your radar when you have a full time job to do. Write that book you started and didn’t finish!
Live your life even staying home turns out to be harder than you thought. Live your best life anyway!
There is a fight going on between light and darkness. Anger vs calm, fear vs peace, joy vs sadness and love vs hate. This is not a new fight, its been here since the beginning of time, but it looks like the source of darkness has upped its game a notch or 50. The world is in chaos, literally. People are living in fear, fear of an invisible enemy, one that came to steal joy from those that are joyful by killing those that are weak.
I’ve been keeping an eye on the statistics of this Covid 19 virus that has us all on our knees, it’s real, it’s here and its out to infect whoever it can get to. The call is to stay at home, this virus doesn’t have legs, we are its legs, and by moving around we move it around. We risk either touching something that it’s sitting on, or we risk sharing it with our fellow friends unknowingly because we have it on our hands. Don’t touch your face they said (this is impossible) so at the very least we need to wash our hands as often as possible and keep the surfaces in our homes disinfected because you will never know what you have brought into your home at this point. You have to behave as if you have it on you all the time, you have to behave as if every cough you let out and every sneeze you have is spreading this virus everywhere and you have to do your bit to contain it as much as you possibly can. You have to remember that everything you touch outside of your home is a possible carrier including yourself. Just because you don’t have the virus doesn’t mean you can’t carry it around and bring it home to your family and your loved ones. You have to be made aware, you have to try and do what you can to kill this virus off.
The reality is that our weak are dying and even the slightest infection is a torturous affair, where you find yourself with the risk of fighting off a virus that trying to take over as much of your lung power as it possibly can. Breathing is how we live, without breath we die. If we cannot get enough oxygen into our lungs we suffocate and die. This enemy is trying to suffocate us, to dim our light and finally extinguish it, but we cant allow it to win like this, we have to put our big girl panties on and our big boy undies on and we have to kick this things butt.
It’s not a virus that we can take lightly just because we are not weak or because we will most likely not die. Before too long you will know someone who knows someone that has died of this virus, and not too long after that, you yourself will know someone that has died of this virus. Please note, you probably already know someone that is infected or has been infected and has already recovered, because this thing is everywhere. The good news is that it cannot live forever, it dies if it doesn’t find a host to devour, it dies even if it does find a host. The bad news is the more we choose to move around the more we are helping the enemy kill our neighbor and infect our friends and family.
Please, for the sake of humanity, for the sake of the poor and the weak, who don’t have the means to fight this like you and I who are strong, please for this time of lock down stay put and protect those around you by not contributing any more than you already have to to the spread of this thing.
I’m not writing this to install fear in you, fear is another tool used to destroy the world, I’m writing this so you can have the information that you need to do the right thing, not only for you and your family but for me and my family too.
Covid 19 can be beaten, it will be beaten! WE HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO WIN THIS FIGHT, BUT WE NEED YOU TO PLAY BY THE RULES AND STAY AT HOME.
I haven’ t written in a long while for so many reasons which from week to week keep changing. But I realize that its time to pull myself up and get back out there. The world is in crisis and here I am trying to stay in my own little corner trying my best not to do any harm.
So Covid 19 is the name of the game at the moment and by game I mean life game not haha funny game. It’s not amusing in the slightest, I should know, isolation isn’t the easiest, especially when you have so much counting on you then boom, out of action. What will we do in the midst of this Covid 19 outbreak? We will remain calm and do what we can for humanity in our own little corners of the world. That’s what. Do go about spreading unnecessary panic, yes we are all a little afraid of what could be, but in the end, its what we choos to do now that matters, so make calm choices… please.
I love how social media is have having live DJ sessions and the dance community has online classes for free. Everybody is coming together to do their part. It’s amazing how in crisis we are pulling together instead of tearing each other apart… I obviously can’t speak for everybody though, there is always one spoilsport kid in the class that wants everyone to be as miserable as they are, so my words exclude you.
South Africa is on a 21 day shut down, I have to say that as my President ended his speech last night, I felt the sincerity, and the emotion in his voice and my heart reached out to him. I don’t care how many people that have left want to bash my country, I am proud that our leader has taken a stand and is doing his people proud. The world needs calm leadership in this moment, and I pray for those countries that don’ t have that.
So for today, big ups to my president, I am proudly South African and keep calm everyone. It’s going to be a little overwhelming at first, but remember if you stay in your lane and follow the rules, everything will be OK. We have survived worse, we will survive this, as a nation. Stay positive and remember together we are stronger.
Last year I challenged myself to lose 17kgs I started the year weighing 92 kg’s and by the end of May 2019 I was 84.1 Kg’s, just a few grams away from my actual halfway mark. I didnt track my progress after this date but I do know that there was a Croatia trip involved and boy was I not watching my eating habits on that trip. Before I knew it the numbers on the scale were climbing again and by January 2020 I was weighing 89 kgs again. A mere 3 kgs from where I started my health challenge in 2019. It’s safe to say that I did not reach my goals in 2019 and somewhere along the road I lost my motivation to push, and then discipline went out the window.
So I started this year at 89 kilograms and as everybody seems to do they get on a scale after the holidays and torture themselves with all the weight they have put on. I joined the party this year and boy did my eyes open really wide. I made a decision to make healthier choices and not hold myself to any goal or standard, but being human I still had that 75kg goal at the back of my mind. I realise that I work well when I motivate myself with realities and reward myself with each small step I take. So far I have read up about my blood type and realise that I have been eating so many things that are bad for me even if they are healthy for someone else.
I am not on a diet, I have simply made a few changes in what does not agree with my body and given it a chance to prove itself right or wrong. I feel less bloated and I feel alot more energetic when I am excluding the the food that does not agree with me. I cheated last week, and oh boy have I been suffering. Headaches, bloated and I have learnt that my body really does not like wheat at all.
Following these changes my weight is down to 84,3 kgs. Almost 5 kilograms down in just under 2 months. It’s an achievement for me because I am very uncomfortable in an overweight body, not only because of how I look but how I feel. My knees get affected and my back. I am happier with less weight to carry around and my body moves with so much more ease. I can truly feel the difference already and the change in my energy levels with each kg that drops off me.
Since I have made a change in what I put into my body, I have realised that I really should be more mindful of what I eat. Not for cosmetic reasons but for my health too. There is nothing better than being healthy and being able to do a task without struggling with aches and pains caused by extra weight.
Someone told me to embrace my curves, and if I actually had curves I really would embrace them, but I get bigger square not curvy and my waitsling dissappears, So in order for me to have any type of curve I have to remove the body fat from my waisteline… I love curves on a womens body, but let’s remember that we are not all built the same and we have to embrace the body that we have and be the best version of who we are.
So my challenge to you and to myself is to love ourselves as we are, with all the extras or lack of extras that we come with, but in loving ourselves we have to be healthy first and foremost. We must love ourselves enough to change what we can for the healthier and accept what we can’t change and have enough knowledge about our bodies to know the difference… Yes I used a prayer and changed it up.
I finally understand why I have been such a control freak all my life. It’s because I have rarely been in situations that have not been controlled in one way or another. I panic when control is lost, because the reality is control is comfort for me.
It started with my mom, she loved control, but from stories I get the sense that her parents were even more hectic than she was. My mother and cleanliness on are on a level of their own. I mean cleanliness is great, but yoh, I’m really happy to see her relax as she ages and realises that a fork in the sink will not end the world. (I’m exaggerating mom) I get it, when you are in control you feel safe and feeling safe in those days were important because alot was going on with brown people and white people and Apartheid here in South Africa. So I get it, saftey and control was a matter of survival, and to date we hold onto it like its the very breath that we breathe. My mom chose a career from one of the few things coloured women were allowed to choose back then, she was a teacher, I honestly do not know how she managed, but she was a brilliant teacher and she genuinley had the heart for it.
My dad was into control too, but kinda different from my mom, his was more of a mind control, observe and quitley coerce people into seeing it his way kinda guy. My dad has a brilliant mind, he could have been anything in my opinion, but again limited by Apartheid our men had to be some sort of tradesman and of course my dad was an amazing tradesman ( I’m clearly biased). He started as a carpenter and moved to shopfitting… I loved how he used to take me on site with him as a child. It moulded me into that tomboy child that ran a mock on sites instead of wearing pretty dresses and playing with makeup.
I turned out to be a solid mix of both these humans, and then a sprinkle of just me on top. Control practised in all senses of the word, I even find control when I’m spiralling out of control. I look at my life and it hasnt been a bad life, its been pretty darn good actually. But something has been niggling at me for the longest time. The word freedom. I feel like my greatest frustration is not being free. Free to really just do what I feel is best and free to not feel guilty about disagreeing with certain things.
I mean, first school controlled me, do as you are told they said. Then Religion controlled me, if you don’t do it this way then you are sinning, then family belief systems controlled me, not only immediate family, just family dynamics in general… I have always been held to a certain level and I remember always fighting it by rebelling, but I’m grown now and all that nonsense stopped a long time ago. But then work controlled me, because it pays the bills. When will I begin to actually just be free to live my life outside of this control?
I’m really struggling with this concept of freedom, mostly because I really don’t know how to address it. I’m so afraid of it, but I so badly need to break free of these chains I’ve been allowing to hold me back from living my life how I want to live it. My chains are in the form of guilt. I’m guilted by what I’m “supposed to do” and I’m afraid to do do what I actually “want to do” because I feel so guilty.
I see my little girl being indoctrinated with the same control lines, and I think to myself…Is this what I truly want for her? Do I want her to be struggling with guilt because people told her what she should and should not be doing? I’m so control driven that if something is out of my control I completely freak out, I have to learn to breathe and just wait for an outcome and I’m learning that I can only really control my reaction to the things out of my control. But does this make the process easier? It certainly does not.
Whats brought this on? I’m so tired of being told what to do, by people that don’t even have a clue about their own lives. I’m so tired of being manipulated into being who “they”want me to be and not who I truly am. I’m tired of this guilt I feel inside when I go against how I was raised and do what I want. I’m 40, surely by now this should not even be a factor? But it is, it really is. I am truly mindfucked by things that have controlled me for so dam long and breaking free of them is really turning out to be one of the most difficult things I am faced with. Just when I think I have found freedom, I realise that I’m so deep in this controlled lifestyle that the little bit of freedom I have found doesn’t even cover the tip of the iceberg of freedom and now I have to find a way to break these chains that I didn’t even see in the first place.
Wish me luck, this is going to be an interesting year of big happy changes.
The truth is: I want to quit often, but I can’t… not only because I have little eyes that look up to me, or because I have a pattern of not completing certain things… I can’t quit because if I do, it means I give in to the voice that tells me I can’t do it, then I will never do anything. I have to keep pushing through all my fears because if I don’t my life will fall into a dark space that I know only too well. I can’t allow myself into that space because getting out of it is really tough and sometimes feels impossible, especially when you are drowning in the darkness that many give into.
The truth is: I am afraid often, but I can’t stop pushing through my fears because the feeling of being on the other side of a conquered fear is indescribable. The freedom of not letting fear kick your ass is the most rewarding feeling of freedom you will have. It’s how you free yourself one fear at a time in the realm of complete freedom from everything that holds you back.
The truth is: Bad habits linger in the background, they never 100 % go away, they wait for you in the dark corners, ready to pounce as soon as you are struggling, but you can’t allow them back in, and if you do, you have to remember why you stopped in the first place. You have to keep working at your positive reinforcements that got you to push those habits out in the first place.
The truth is: NOBODY is perfect, nobody ever will be perfect and if you expect perfection in people you are going to be dissapointed. Holding others to a high standard is a reflection of the standard you hold yourself to. I have no issues with high standards, but perfection is impossible, so stop looking for it and instead look for happiness, joy, love and peace in people and therin you will find what you are looking for.
The truth is: I want more, but I know that in order to get to where I what to be I have to work harder than I have worked before. That to whom much is given much is required and the responsibility of more can sometimes be overwhelming. Where I am now is preparing me for my next step and I have to conquer this stage before I can move to the next.
The truth is: you are a reflection of your inner thoughs and beliefs and if you are internally dark and damaged then your external life will reflect that in some way shape or form. But its not impossible to rectify darkness and fill those gaping holes with light and love.
The truth is: Nobody truly know the point of it all, we try to understand as best as we can. We look for God in the only ways we know how and we search for redemption the only way we know how. Religion separates us more than it brings us together, but God is love and he unifies us in ways beyond our understanding.
The truth is: Sometimes I’m confused about what it is I should be doing and sometimes its crystal clear. So why is there doubt? Which direction do I follow? The truth is the only direction to follow is the one inside of me, my inner feeling of this feels right or this feels wrong. Thats the direction I am meant to go.
The truth is: Nobody actually knows what the truth actually is, we are all just winging it through life, doing the best we can with the information that we have been given, whether it be correct information or incorrect information.
It’s easy to sit on the outside and watch in making comments about what people should and should not be doing. The real test is when you are faced with the same situations and if you take your own advice, or do you cower away. I never write about things I have not experienced for myself, or just how I see a possible path to be the most likely one for me. I couldn’t possibly be throwing information into the world about experiences I have not yet had. That being said I would like to say that it’s easier said than done. Life is tough, these lessons are tough and the solutions are not going to come easily. You have to actively want to make the changes and find the answers for there to be any hope.
It’s not easy to have difficult conversations with people, especially if we love them, and sometimes choosing to ignore a problem seems like the better option. I wish someone taught me healthy self expression at a younger age. It would have made my life so much easier. Learning how to express myself in a healthy way has become my greatest blessing. Communicating with those I care about regarding both positive and negative feelings have created a path of peace for me. It still makes some members of my family a little uncomfortable though and I’m also still selective with who gets to know my true feelings and who doesn’t. I still maintain that NOT EVERYBODY deserves certain parts of you. But those people that do get to see the real me, the ones that get the inside scoop to my diary version, those are the ones I reserve for intimate conversations. You may only fit on one hand, but I don’t believe I need to expose myself to everyone, only those that genuinley are there. Real life requires real conversations. If they leave because you have a conversation, you are better off without them, friendships, family and romantic relationships. You should be able to express yourself with your inner circle and they should be able to equally share with you too, without anybody running away. Lifetime friendships/relationships are reserved for those that are willing to stick through both the good and the bad times. Those are the relationships worth keeping.
I used to be afraid to share how I really felt with people close to me because I was afraid they would leave. The fear of them leaving literally paralized me to silence. Healing that wound and finding the root of the problem was vital, it has allowed me the freedom of expressing myself and my concerns and also accepting that those who leave have chosen to do so out of their own and it has no reflection on who I am as a person. I need to remember that when I am unhappy in situations I too have left them, and so I should allow others to do the same without me placing my happiness or well being on their shoulders. It’s so sad how childhood experiences get carried into our adult choices without us even realising it. It’s also easy to blame those childhood experiences for every bad or negative experience. As adults, it’s our responsibility to heal the wounds that hold us back and to push ourselves past our fears. We can never live a full life in the shadows of our past. Finding solutions and accepting help from others with regards to your emotional growth is so important.
Nothing lasts forever, people change, things are not meant to stay the same. Embracing change is one of the most important lessons I have learnt and not holding on to things or people because nothing and nobody actually belongs to me. In the end, when my life transitions to its next phase, I will leave everything here, with the living, so why hold on so tightly.
I used to look for love in all the wrong places, because I didnt really understand how to love and how to be loved. I struggled with receiving love from friends and family because, well… life. I’m not gonna go into how I should have had this and didn’t have that, and blame people that should have given me x and gave me y instead. No, because who I am today is a direct result of everything that I have lived in my past. How I love now is a direct result of how I couldn’t love back then.
Lets not confuse what I’m discussing as romantic love. To me romance happens naturally based on a mutual connection that grows and it takes time to evolve into what you can call being “In Love”. You can’t be in love with someone that you dont know. You can be in lust with them, attracted to them yes, but romantic love… it takes time, and work, along with a solid foundation of understanding and respecting each other for who each person truly is. Jumping in the sack doesn’t mean love, kissing doesn’t mean love. Love is more than physical attributes and hotness levels of the other human. Does he or she make and effort, do they show up, do they keep promises, are they consistent and do they ensure that you are confident in your place and position in their lives?
OK. Back to what I’m actually talking about, love in general. People get awkward around love? Why? If I love you, it means you hold a special place in my heart and I cherish the relationship we have and the person you are. Telling the people that you love how you feel strengthens relationships. Why do we wait till death or sickness to realise how we could have shared more and loved more openly. The world needs to open their hearts more. Love surrounds us all, lets embrace it and open our hearts more. The ocean is filled with love, the trees, flowers and even animals. Why do we choose not to emerse ourselves with this overflow of happiness and instead drown our lives in stress, anger and awkwardness. If you are with the right people you can relax because you know that they have got you.
Let go of the past by embracing now. Forgive those that hurt you and free yourself of the hold they have over you. Love is so much better than playing games with life. One day your life will end and how will you be remembered? Will you have been loved or will you be resented.
Just live your life with love. Fill it up with everything around you and be your best. I personlly love my tribe, I would not change them for anything!!
Today is my last day to be in my 30’s. Tomorrow is a new decade for me, my new chapter, the next leg of my life. I am truly being tested though, with many things being placed in front of me to try and shift my peace, but I am not that weak, and the world needs to know that when peace is rooted deep inside your soul, no amount of tugging can move it. I will always stay rooted in the peace that I have fought so hard to find.
Yes sometimes I am stirred by people’s behaviour and want to react, but I seem to have mastered pulling myself together. No amount of testing is going to get a reaction out of me… Not today. You probably thinking what is going on? She’s rambling but not telling us. Let’s just say; people sometimes seem to go on power trips and want to control other people… I am not a person that responds well to people trying to control me in any way. I am grown, I control myself. You don’t see me out there controlling what other people do.
So I find myself having to breath through this day, to remember who I am and how I react is in my control ALWAYS. Shrugging off negativity and embracing the positive is what I choose. Embracing NOW and appreciating NOW, because tomorrow is never promised, only today, only NOW. I am blessed and one power driven person does not get to shift my focus or my peace.
Thank you all for taking the time out of your lives to share this time with me. I appreciate you.
3 years ago I made a choice between a deskjob and my sanity. I chose my sanity. I knew the risk was great, I was giving up a stable job with benefits for the unknown. Yes I saved and planned to take a year off to find myself in the chaos of this world. 3 years later I can say it was definately the best decision I had ever made. The career change was drastic and the satisfaction in the challenges I am faced with makes every day worth it.
I want to say ‘look at me now’, look at the staircase of my life, each step I take in an upward direction, making moves and changes and just embracing life as it comes. Walking through doors that once scared me into silence and speaking at tables I was once not even invited to sit at. I may not be where I want to be as yet, but I certainly am on my way. I may not have found what I am looking for just yet, but I have found so much more along this path that is true to who I am and my purpose.
People put so much pressure on themselves when they feel that they cant, instead of realising that even what seems impossible is worth a try because you never know what you might find at the end of that can’t once you change into “let me try”.
It’s taken a village to open my eyes, a tribe of people that I celebrated in my previous post. Each one contributing in their own way to showing me love, light and helping me find my way. Next week I turn 40, it’s a new chapter for me. It’s a new direction for me and it’s my time to take everything that I have been pushing to learn and to start enjoying the rewards for a while.
One of the members of my tribe gave me this to think on, and I dont know if he realises the impact he has when he says these things but here it is: ” you 40 cause man made up that time frame. Although you cant change it on your ID you dont have to let it change how you think or feel“… Mind absolutely blown! This human seriously throws me into some deep waters when I’m feeling a little shallow.
Here I am celebrating my tribe again. They have no age limits, or personality requirements, some are 20, others are retired. None of this matters because very single human in my space and in my life has everything I need and more no matter which side of the age line they happen to fall. None of it matters, I love them all, I treasure them all and I would not be here today if not for them.
My 30’s chapter is coming to a close, it was a learning chapter, a growing chapter and a chapter of change. It was the chapter that I put so much work into healing that it changed me. It was was one of the most important chapters that I have lived through so far. Who knows what 40 will bring? I dont know but I can tell you that its gonna be one hell of a ride. One week left of 30’s, presents coming in already… let the celebrations begin!
Live your best life! Who cares how old you are, dont stop for anyone!
When I look around I notice how things have changed for me. The world hasn’t changed much, it’s still the same place it was back in the day, but I have changed. My life has changed, my mind has changed. I am no longer that person that I was back then. My default is no longer anger and pain, there are alot more smiles and I’m genuinely at a place of peace. Every now and then I’m reminded that I am still a work in progress, and not to get too confident in this new place of peace, because deep down I am still processing through the pain of the past and layer by layer I tackle each item as my mind is able to unfold them.
I realise that the difference between inner confidence and outer confidence shows only when you allow people into your intimate space. From the outside looking in people will see a strong and confident woman when they see me. They will not see the inner flaws that I battle with on a daily basis, because it’s not for them to see. I think part of the reason I havent settled down as yet is because I haven’t trusted anyone enough to let them in. I mean I can let you in the door, sure and show you around the living room of my life, I can even let you in my bedroom and show you some intimate parts of who I actually am. But will I let you read my diary? Are you worthy of best friend material? Can I trust you with the most delicate and intimate details of myself and also trust that you wont use this to hurt me one day? This is the risk I hadn’t been able to take since I was 25 years old.
You see I did it once, the love thing, the 7 year relationship that moulded me for the longest time. In fact I spent my best years loving someone, who in the end made the choice to not be loyal and to live a double life. I dwelled on this for so long that it started to turn me into a cold, disconnected person. In turn took me down a path of destructive encounters, I can’t say relationships, because can you even call it a relationship when you didn’t let them into those parts of you that requires openness an connection in order to be in an actual reltionship? So the ‘encounters’ I had were pretty destructive, and the one ‘encounter’ that I actually felt could have been more, turned out to be the perfect one for me to sabotage because my fear of closeness and of actually being loved was just greater than my desire for it.
When you are so afraid of pain, that you harden yourself to feeling intimacy and you steal from yourself huge pieces of life that you could have lived, but instead chose to hide in the comfort of your distance to others. It’s easy to avoid love connections when you have a solid friendship base and you are busy raising a little human. It never really gets to the point of lonliness until that solid friendship foundation is ripped from under you. It’s been just over 5 years now that I lost my friend to a car accident, and until she was gone I didn’t really understand the need to want to share my life with someone in the form of a partner because I shared my life with her. For as long as I can go back all my memories or most of them had her with me. We did most things together and when her time here was over, I had this missing piece that I know I can never replace. But realised it’s the trust that I lost, the closeness, the ability to bare my soul and still be loved through my imperfections. I realise that she filled the gap. When I lost my trust in romantic relationships, she filled that gap through a close friendship. So even though I was unable to trust in romance, I was never alone, ever.
Her leaving the world has forced me to face my fears and to actually allow people in, and I have. I have found peace with myself and who I am and I am no longer holding the world at an arms length. I have had to learn to love myself enough to let people love me. Do you know how tough that is for a guarded person? To break down the walls of the past is a process, that I would go through over and over again to get to this point of peace and love within myself. The turmoil one feels with being guarded is painful and can be lonely, not to mention alot of work because you find yourself doing everything on your own. Not allowing others to help, goodness what a tiring way to live! I’m grateful to have this new perspective, one that allows others in, one that understands that imperfections come with being human, but your tribe will embrace you as you are and those imperfections become the thing that makes you perfect to them.
Find your tribe, open yourself to love, open yourself to happiness, open yourself to peace and live your life free from the chains of your past.
One of the lessons I learned this weekend is not to wait for other people to lift you up or get you moving, you have to snatch up the opportunities as they come or you will miss out on so much. Another lesson is, if you surround yourself with trustworthy consistent people then you can trust that they will be consistent in the role that they play in your life or that their friendship/relationship with you is never something you have to doubt.
If you have been promised something by an individual that doesn’t deliver and you get offerered assistance by someone else, you cannot hold onto the undelivered promise; especially if they have let you down continuously. You have to put yourself first and walk through the doors that open for you. Life will continue to open doors that you are ready to walk through, fear will always do its best to hold you back and make you doubt yourself. You have to push through the fear.
People that consistently let you down or keep you waiting are not people that respect you or your time. Surround yourself with humans that appreciate you and the time you set aside to be with them. This way when you do spend time with people, it’s always time well spent and worth every minute. I may only have a handful of people I allow in my intimate circle now, but they are a well chosen few and I’m so blessed to have them.
My cup runs over, thank you for all the blessings.
We are not built to live in isolation. Humans are social beings. being isolated can open gates to many unnecesary dark corners in your mind that feed off each other and cause people to do things they would not have normally done if they were not so isolated from the world.
I’m writing about this because I have isolated myself many times and I find that it’s in those periods of isolation that my dark moments come out more regularly than they should. I begin to feed off my negativity and it is a dangerous space to be in. Having someone to share your life with is so vital to our well being. In the form of friends, family or partners. There has to be a level of interaction and love in our lives for us to function on a healthy level.
When my person past away I was lost for a very long time. I was lucky to have surrounded myself with more than one friendship to lean on when my heart was broken, because they carried me through the pain of losing a vital person in my life. I went into darkness regularly and was pulled out by love and support of friends and family. I don’t even want to think about what could have happened had I not had such a strong support base.
If you are alone, I wish you could understand that you dont have to be. There people out there that reach out and want to share themselves with you. You just have to open your heart to the possibilities of allowing a person into your space. We are not built for living alone, it has this habit of driving us insane. Isolation is used as a punishement, so why do we punish ourselves by isolating ourselves from the world and all the love it has to offer. Yes there is eveil, but if you look for evil you will find evil, if you look for good then good people will find you. Give yourself a chance and reach out, it will make the world of a difference in your life.
Everybody needs somebody, even those people that think they are good on their own. Open your heart to the love of the world and the love of the world will surround you with hugs in the form of warmth and beauty. Let mother earth hug you with her warmth and share her love with you.
I’ve being trying to do better with opening myself up to new and different possibilities for a while now. So far it’s taken me to places I’ve never been before and it has me bonding with people I would never have given a chance before. It has also helped me to open my eyes to the general nature of people outside of my norm and I realsied that people are generally kind and considerate in nature with the odd exeption obviously. However the majority seem have a general kindness in them helping me to understand that if you are surround by judgy unkind people you are in an unnatural environment and should remove yourself from that. Especially if you find yourself becoming like them.
Looking outside of your usual boundaries can be scary yes, I would know because I found comfort in my negative space and to have to recieve love and warmth was very uncomfortable for me for the longest time. A gentleman was assumed to be flirting because guys were only nice if they wanted something in my old life, until I stepped out of it and realised that being nice was just a part of having a good nature. I could be nice without people assuming it was because I wanted something. Do you know how long it took me to get out of this mindset. It’s so sad to know that there are good people living in bad environments that mask their goodness to the point of invisibility and all they allow the world to see is this hard exterior that refuses to crack. All in the name of self preservation, survival and protection. The closed doors that they face all because they cannot open themselves up to vulnerability. It makes me look at the world I grew up in and just want to shout from the mountain tops that its ok to love, not everyone is that guy or that girl or that friend that did you wrong. The pain isn’t forever, you dont have to protect yourself from EVERYONE. There are so many amazing humans that will love you if you just let them. And that is where the key to the door lies, you have to let them. You cant pretend like you dont need anyone and inside be screaming for love and affection. You have to give love and affection and it will find its way to you in ten fold. You have to let the doors be opened and allow your life to progress. You have to push your boundaries, get on that flight and find and adventure. Meet new people, learn new cultures and just embrace what the world has to offer. If you stay where you are, you will never learn more than what you see around you everyday. You have to look for new things and find new ways to earn your way through life. You have to push past what holds you back and push towards more. Because there is more out there, more of everything you dream of. You just have to believ in yourself and go for it.
Live you life with more in mind, always. Be better, do better, live better.
Sometimes I look at the world and think, what is the point of all of this. We can’t all just be here running around trying to pay bills and impress everyone with untruths. When you get down to the nitty gritty of your life, have you ever really wondered why you are here? Does there even have to be a why? Can it all just be pointless? I met someone a few years back that truly believes everything is pointless. How do you live a full happy life when you believe that nothing matters? How does that level of emptiness actually feel? Convincing yourself that you are free of burden by believing that nothing matters. OK if nothing matters why do you do everything in your power to keep your kids alive? Or to keep your pets alive? Or why do you water your plants? Why bother getting up in the morning to earn a living if none of it actually matters?
I cannot allow myself to fall into this trap of non belief. What I believe is that we have built in internal systems for a reason. Fight or flight reflexes for a reason. We have to follow our natural instincts and our internal guide to find our way and to stay alive. We use it to protect our families, for a reason. we may not have the reason but we cannot go through this life believing that its pointless, because if it was then we all mights well not bother to eat, drink or move and just die. We eat food and drink water for a reason – to live. We protect our families because we have a built in connection to them, its called love. We get up and do everything we can to survive and to live our best lives because we want to be successful for our families more than for ourselves. We take care of trees, because they give us Oxygen and we will die without them. If it was pointless then we wouldn’t need to bother because dying would just be one of those things, but its not. When someone dies we feel sadness and loss, because we have a connection to them somehow. Just because we cant explain it doesnt mean it isn’t there. All you have to do is pay close attention to feeling the world around you, closing your eyes and taking the time to connect to yourself, to nature, to life for you to know that everything has a purpose, there is a reason and nothing is pointless.
There is a lesson in every failure, making failure useful. There is satisfaction in being surrounded by love and knowing you belong. Everything is full of purpose, you just have to look deeper, stop being distracted by unnatural things, social media is not life, without it you will not die. Trees are life though, without them you will certainly die. Learn to appreciate the beauty of the world around you, the purpose of each LIVING thing and connect yourself to them. Surely this way, you simply cannot believe that there is no point. When you see how connected we all are, how we need each other to survive, how our energies move from one to another and how we can share positive energy with someone who needs it.
You just have to stop for longer than a minute, to breathe and connect or you will miss it and what a sad thing that will be if you go through this life missing all the beauty that we have been given for free.
I was introduced to my first Salsa festival in November 2016 when I was convinced to attend the Cape Town Salsa Festival with a group of Durban dancers who are now more family to me than anything. It was nothing I could have imagined and everything I didnt know I wanted! I had zero dance experience and still mangaed to have the best time because people in this community are very welcoming to absolute beginners. It’s very refreshing to see.
Since then I’ve done a few more local Festivals like the Mzanzi Jozi weekender (Mar 2017), Annual Ahora sea weekender at the Johannesburg Country Club (November 2017), International Akoma Dance Spirit Festival in Johannesburg (Aug 2018), Johannesburg Afrolatin Festival (March 2019), Mambo City in London UK (May 2019) and my last festival was Croatia Summer Salsa festival in Rovinj (June 2019). My biggest regret of 2019 was not being able to attend the Mother City Dance festival in Cape Town because it was one that I held close to my heart and I heard it was off the chain! 2020 Mother City festival is not negotiable I cant miss it again!
It seems I have become a festival junkie… It should say something to you about the energy one experiences in these types of environments. Not everyone has the experience I have, I know, but I can only share with you my experience to be truly authentic.
My next festival will be a repeat of the Johannesburg Afrolatin festival! ( you can find all information here: https://www.afrolatinfestival.co.za )Why am I doing this festival again you ask! Have a read on my previous post called influencers I wrote on 18 March 2019 (here is the link for your ease of access https://tamstame.com/2019/03/18/influencers/). I didn’t focus so much on the dancing because the impacts that were made on me at this specific festival were more internal and self improvement moments were had. This year with all the internal work that I have put into myself, I can now attempt to focus on actually doing this dancing thing properly and not making excuses for my lack of knowledge or ability anymore… It’s simple, I need to focus on the musicality (which I can begin to learn at this weekend), I need to find my own ways to express myself, I need to get out of my head and last but certainly not least I need to practice! I dont aim to be a professional dancer that has a career in dancing, my interest is purely on a social basis, but if I’m gonna hang with this crew I HAVE TO UP MY GAME. Coz boy are they not waiting for me they are flying by!
Everyone has a process that they have to follow for their individual situation, my process has been a complicated one, but certainly not an impossible one. The key to my 2020 year is to finish and to not throw in the towel because its out of my comfort zone. Yes it’s difficult, but it’s not impossible. This doesn’t apply to dance only, it applies to everything outside of my comfort zone. My internal struggles that happen in my mind. 2019 was my year of placement, 2020 is my year of using where I have been placed to the fullness of it’s capacity in ALL aspects of my life. Career wise, in how I mother my daughter, in learning to dance and in my travel opportunities. I just want to stop wasting momentes that I could use based on fear or embarrassment. I look at 2019 and so much was handed to me that I didnt fully utilise, I could have grown so much more if it wasn’t for fear of being in the spotlight. This year even if I make a fool of myself I will not shy away from the challenges thrown at me. Starting from today, challenge accepted is no longer just on my weight or in my videos or my writing. It’s extended to everything that challenges me, that stirs a little bit of fear in me… I accept the challenge that life throws at me. To everyone who will see this as an opportunity to be a negative force and amuse yourself in my challenges, let me help you now by saying I accept your challenge anyway and I hope that the darkness in your heart that pushes you to hurt others will be outshined by the light I hold in me to help others.
To all my South African readers, if you have never attended a dance festival, I guarentee you that you will have an out of this world experience! Check out the links provided and grab yourself a weekend of PROPER dancing and entertainment! Don’t fret if you dont know how, there are local schools in your area that can teach you a thing or 2 in the next few weeks and there are also beginners classes at the festival for those of you that are just having a looksy. Trust me, it”s worth every cent that you will spend!
For my international readers, if you ever needed a reason to visit our beautiful country, this would be one of them, come and experience the vibrance of the South African Dance community doing what they love and sharing it with everyone who dares to show some interest.
Lets challenge ourselves in 2020 and for all the years to come. Dont be stuck in your comfort zone, you only have this life so live it to the fullest while you have breath in your body. Find where your heart is happy and then do as much of that thing as you can. For me its dancing, for you it could be anything else.
Live your life in the midst of the things and the people that bring you happiness!
It’s been so long since I’ve actually dated that I don’t think I remember how anymore. I’ve run out of excuses now and realise that fear of sharing me intimately with another is not going to overcome itself, I have to actually try. Also by intimately I don’t mean sex, to those who define intimacy as a physical characteristic. Also; I’ve done the “be alone” work in 2018 when I took time from dating (so yes I took time off to be alone on purpose), then in 2019 I dipped my toe into a little situation that ended up opening Pandora’s box in the form of every insecurity and fear that I had hidden inside of me and forced me to face them ALL at once. It was an internal storm that I needed to experience to resolve so many issues I had developed over the years of my life. I think it closed me off even more to the possibility of intimacy for a very long time, but opened my eyes to the many things I have yet to heal and have already healed in myself. I realised that all these disasters have nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with where I am in my life and what I am allowing in my space!
So this post is about healing and overcoming brokenness as you have possibly realised by now. It’s inevitable that your heart will break at some point in your life, even if you found the one at 12 and married him and lived happily ever after. Life still happens and hearts still break. So if you are that person that have their happily ever after, I send love and light into your life for the rest of your days.
Now let’s move onto the rest of us, the ones that tried and failed. the ones that failed even before they could try and the ones that didn’t even know how to try and ended up broken and alone.
Can I begin by acknowledging that you are whole! Even alone, you are whole. Whether you have been broken down, trampled on, abused, rejected, neglected or even thrown away; you are still whole! The emptiness you feel inside is not because you need another half, it’s because you have some darkness that has cast a shadow over your light. Yes, you thought he loved you and you glowed with everything from within because you felt like HE was your everything, so you gave him all of your power… now he is gone and it seems like he has taken a part of you with him, right? WRONG… All of you is still with you! No matter how much pain you are in, you are still in one piece, you have just momentarily allowed another to cast their shadow over you but if you just take a few steps forward, away from his or her darkness into your own light you will see that he/she hasn’t taken a single thing from you, but instead has given you the freedom to find your light again… it may take a while, I agree this is not a fairy tale where everything falls in your lap. No, you have to cry the tears , feel the pain, acknowledge the hurt, understand that it was never about you, people do what they do because of their own desires, so you have to let the guilt of what you could have done go and you have to ask yourself what can you do now to heal and improve your life and make better choices. Let the crazy out if you have to, don’t hold back your emotions because you think you might offend somebody. Sometimes releasing all the frustration you feel inside is key to your healing process. Every situation is different, every person is different, nobody heals the same way, but you have to find a way! The freedom of healing after brokenness is like standing on a mountain top with your arms open wide and taking a deep breath, with the wind blowing through your hair and the clouds around you as you look down on the world and just exhale allowing peace to overcome your mind, body and soul.
Overcoming emotional pain is one the most difficult things you will have to encounter, but overcome it you certainly can. Can we please clarify though, that overcoming does not mean sweep under a carpet and pretend it didn’t happen, because it did happen and you have an obligation to yourself to acknowledge that it happened and to face the pain. Give it a stern look in the eye (or in the mirror because you are talking to yourself here) and tell it that your light will overcome this darkness, no matter how long it takes! Stare it right in the eye and declare victory over it before it gets a chance to sink its teeth into your soul and seep its darkness into you. If it’s already taken a chunk or 2 and you feel like you are half a person remind yourself that you are created to heal, if you are not dead you are capable of healing and no amount of pain or trauma can defeat you once you declare victory over it… There are people with no legs and no arms that have declared victory over their lives and are winning! Here you are, all of your limbs, all of your senses and losing a battle that others are fighting with not even 1/4 of what you have! You have to pick your head up, you have to stare that shit right in the face and you have to tell it that the ride is over, it’s time to get off the bus and walk yourself to safety, to love, to light.
I write these words because I lived them, more than once. I write these words because I too at some point felt that giving up was an option until I realised that it wasn’t. It’s taken me over 10 years to unravel the pain and suffering in my heart caused by the turmoil of what was meant to be love. It’s taken me even longer to heal from the pain of another’s actions violating my body and then leaving me to face the world in shame. I write these words and tears fill my eyes because I know the sharpness and the depth of pain that we have had to face or will have to face in the future, and I feel with you the suffering of a broken spirit. I know the fight you will have to fight, the wars you will face within yourself. I also know that you can do this! You have to find the glimmer of light that nobody can extinguish but your maker, you have to look inside yourself until you find it! Then you have to nurture that glimmer of light and love it and appreciate it until it grows and shines and pushes the darkness out. You have to do it, because if you don’t you will drown and you will be defeated, not because you are weak, but because you didn’t even try. Give yourself a chance, lift your head up high and you look yourself in the eye and you declare victory over whatever situation you find yourself in! Then forward march into the battle of overcoming your own darkness and watch how the light in you will take over and push you to levels you didn’t even once imagine were possible!
I believe in you, because once I didn’t believe in me and now I believe not only in myself but in you as well. Because if I can do it you can too.
It’s my first post of the year and I’m really excited to get back into it, my break was well deserved and I am truly blessed to have had the opportunity to enjoy such a magnificent festive season. I hope that you all were out there living your best lives this festive and staying true to you! If not, its never to late to try and make those changes because every day brings you to new beginnings and a fresh new start.
I chose to enter my 2020 year in high energy and the New year squad was just what I needed. Positive energy vibes all around me, full support in every aspect of who I am, and just plain reallness. Teary speeches, leaving my mascara running down my face but, no problem because we had a make up rescue genius on hand. Look, it’s so important to surround yourself with positive energy, but also to know that if for a moment you have a small hiccup and a song decides to tug at your heartstrings in public, that the same level of energy is put into caring hugs and warm smiles so that the dip of energy lasts just for a moment. When they let you feel what you are feeling and immediately pick you up by just being themselves… this is what friendship is. This is what I have surrounded myself with! Good people, living their best lives, making changes to themselves and to the world one moment at a time.
My life has made a full postive turnaround, if I think of where I was 5 years ago and 5 years before that and even before that the growth in me has been exponetial and at one point last year I panicked because I felt like everything was happening way too quickly, but all it took was a breathing moment and for me to allow myself to feel and express myself instead of avoiding it. I didn’t believe in Tammy back then, now I am my greatest supporter, I know that with hard work and determination everything is possible. If I learn to celebrate the little things before I know it, all those little things add up to a huge step in the right direction. To this day people have negative things to throw at me, the difference now is that I don’t take them to heart anymore and their words move past me so quickly that I hardly even notice. You teach people how to treat you and if someone is treating you badly the only response is to remove yourself from their negative space, that way they will have the opportunity to either see the error of their ways or to continue spewing negative everything somewhere else.
2019 was an amazing year and 2020 is going to be an even better one. TO BIG HAPPY CHANGES was the cheers/toast to our new year! I’m all about fresh starts and new beginnings, I don’t care if you use the beginning of the year as a reason or the beginning of a month. Just as long as you start somewhere, no matter how small, because everything counts in the the long run. I’m so excited to see what this year will unfold for everyone and I cant wait to watch the people around me grow into themselves and find success in who they are. It’s going to be spectacular just to be a part of and to witness!
It’s Christmas eve and the world has pulled out all the stops in preparation for tomorrow. Some people are rushing through last minute shopping, others are home prepping for the meals they have planned, others have to work and are at their respective jobs, just doing what they need to do in order to survive, wishing they were home but understanding the importance of being employed and committing themselves to the tasks they have promised to fulfill. Then there are people who are alone, with nobody to celebrate with, some are homeless and others have been abandoned by their loved ones and others have lost loved ones and long for their presence, holding onto the memories for dear life.
This christmas while you celebrate, lets be joyful and full of cheer. Lets also be kind to EVERYONE not just those we see fit for kindness. It’s a time for love and hope, so create hope where you can and spread love how you can. It may even change your life! It’s so important to be mindful of others even in our time of celebration, because not everyone has what you have and not everyone is as strong as you are. Give more, live more, love more, laugh more and sing more this Christmas.
Travel safely to all your destinations and have an absolute blast! Merry Christmas everyone! It’s time to rest up re-assess our lives and plan for the future. Lets be better next year, lets do more and live larger!
It seems dance will always be a part of me and curiosity definitely keeps me close by, no matter what challenges I may or may not face it always brings me in full circle right back to dancing! It’s only those that have a love for something that will truly understand how it feels to have something connect to you in ways that nothing else does! As you all have gathered by now writing is my number 1 love and that is why you are here because I believe that sharing my love for everything life is vital in this world! So I’d like to offer an extension to those who share my 2nd love … dance, to find something special in the New Year, something they wont regret!
Dance may be my 2nd love next to writing but it definitely is the heart and soul of Mambo City’s Jean and Robert White! These two are amazing at what they do! Organising events to bring dance communities together and not only teach dance but also live through dance. Earlier this year for the first time ever Mambo City held an event called Mambo Con Son. It was first of its kind, different to their many, many events that they have held over the years. This event was unique in the sense that the Weekend was for dancers who dance On2, want to learn On2, or want to connect to the timing and rhythm of Son. They brought together some of the leading dancers in the world of Cuban and New York Dance and their workshops used live percussion to aid with understanding of the rhythms and timing.
The event was so successful that they decided to do it again next year, January to be exact and the response has been through the roof! It’s clear why though; focusing on just On2 is not something that is common and assisting On1 students with the transition between the 2 is not always the easiest, so a weekend like this is truly important, not only for the students who wish to transition but also for those that love On2 and just wanna splurge without having to give in to the occasional dance partner who isn’t familiar at all. Lessons with live percussions are magical, as they teach you the elements of the music as well; I experienced this previously and found it to assist me with understanding the music more than I did previous to the lessons!
I personally would give my left toe to be able to share this experience with Mambo City because it sounds simply out of this world amazing! I had a look at the line-up and boy is everybody in for a treat! They have Maykel Fonts & Sylvia Chapelli, Adolfo Indacochea & Lorenita, Tania Cannarsa, Osbanis Tejeda & Anneta Kepka, Anne &Anichi, Delia Madera, Luanda Pau Baquero, Damarys & Juan Carlos, DJ Julian The Duke, DJ Rumbero, DJ Dmitri, DJ Tuli, Abu (Pachanga) Gibril, Julian Summers and Olu Kongi. Look I may be biased because some of my favourites appear on this list, but let me just say that this weekend will definately be worth every cent and all the effort to get there! I recommend getting your tickets ASAP and planning your trip if you are not located in London. I see no better way to start the New year than with a fresh dose of Con Son!
Your excitement should be through the roof because these kinds of weekends really do make a huge difference to your progression in dance, whether you are still crawling like me or flying like the listed stars of the weekend, it always pays off to take the time to invest in your self and your love for everything dance and music. So if I have made your feet itchy and you just have to go and see what I’m on about I suggest you go to http://mamboson.co.uk where you will find all of the information that you need! Book your tickets through Eventbrite (which you also find on http://mamboson.co.uk ) and plan your first weekend of January (03rd to 06th Jan 2020) to be one filled with the chemistry of dance! It will absolutely blow your mind!
You can also find all the information you need about Mambo city on http://salsadance.co.uk feel free to browse and feed your curiosity. You will not be dissapointed!
P.S. I wrote this piece because Robert and Jean are two of the most genuine souls I know, and I honestly believe that taking the time to share this experience with them will be an investment to not only your dancing but to your soul.
I have wanted to give up on my dreams oh so many times, because its really tough to hang in there and push through the hard times. Nobody ever really wants to admit that they struggle, they prefer to just silently suffer in the darkness of their minds; some never break through but there are some that always do. Have you ever found yourself in total admiration of the strength and determination that those who push through their pain and come out on the other side acquire.
People often look at the rich and famous and think; how lucky they are! If you look closely you will realise that it has nothing to do with luck at all, most of them are just average people like you and I who have pushed so hard against the grain that they eventually made it through to the other side. They didn’t give up, they cried their tears, slept in their cars, moved in with their mothers, slept on peoples couches and even went hungry before they got to where they are now. I love how their stories are now told to help others going through hard times in order to motivate them to push through. It’s important to share you progress if you know it will help others come closer to finding themselves.
When I was growing up I didn’t really have anyone to help me push through my pain, as a result I dwelled in it for the first 25 years of my life. I just accepted fate to be what I had percieved it to be. I was not surrounded by people who lifted me up and pushed me in ways that I responded to. I did however find it fascinating how people who had nothing, broke through and found something in themselves to work with even when it seemed like they had nothing. It was definately too good to be true. I dont want to mention any names because there are just too many to mention, and I dont care how many haters there are in the world, because when I hear the success stories of others and I see how the world has a way of giving you what you ask for in its time not in your time, but you still get what you ask for in some way, shape or form. It’s so difficult to believe in yourself when everyone around you keeps telling you its impossible, who do you think you are and why on earth you would want to do something so ridiculous. I’ve learned that the people closest to you will be your greatest deterent, they will tell you everything you DON’T need to hear and then a complete stranger will come your way and say everything you need to hear in a positve light and help you to keep pushing through.
It’s all about knowing your pain, accepting your pain and then healing it through forgiveness, peace and understanding. Knowledge is key, you must know your enemy before you can destroy it, don’t just go in blindly and hope for the best. It’s not easy to do the actual work on yourself, nothing is, but as you rid yourself of one bad habit at a time, one dark space at a time, one bad relationship at a time, you will find that over a few years of building yourself up and pushing your pain out that you have the clear mind to start creating a new foundation, one that isn’t build on pain anymore but on peace , love and joy; one that has a full understanding of what you intend to build and therefore is structured to hold everything your dreams are made of. Sounds amazing, I know, but first youhave to clear out the clutter, push out the dirt and breathe in the fresh airomas of a clean slate.
Push through your pain, find your peace and heal your wounds, know who you are when you come out on the other side and then live everyday being that person, no matter who tells you not to.
Allowing yourself to process a disagreement is really vital to your growth and understanding of yourself. It’s when we overlook the confusion or the pain and pretend that it doesn’t exist, that we create a negative space for darkness to grow in our hearts. I was inspired to write about this because I had an experience yesterday that opened my eyes to something I mostly overlooked.
Meeting new people can be a smooth ride or a bumpy one, depending on the circumstances. Due to my life experiences I have always found it easier to just remove someone when I feel that they are not in alignment with my journey, what I failed to realise that in some instances it’s important to also have the uncomfortable conversation with that person if they are important to you and try to see where their hearts are actually at. Maybe if they hear what you have to say they will actually understand and instead of losing a person you will gain a stronger relationship. I have been removing myself from people’s lives without even giving them the opportunity to defend themselves or even telling them how I feel so they can be made aware of why I removed myself.
I am grateful to have been called out yesterday by a new friend, where I was ready to pull myself out completely and not even think twice, and the question was raised… How are you going to deal with a relationship or a partnership in the future if you can’t discuss differences in opinion when they happen and you just ignore and go silent avoiding the situation entirely? I see the importance now of pushing through and having the courage to say what you feel and thereafter you can decide if the friendship or relationship is for you or not. I have walked out of too many friendships without a discussion, not because I couldn’t have one, but because I didn’t want to face the confrontation that could possibly create chaos for that moment. I see now that this is a cowardly thing to do and not only is it unfair to the other person but also to myself because I have been avoiding how I really feel about that person or situation and just “sweeping my feelings under the carpet”.
My eyes have been opened and my courage has been increased and I am really grateful to have this layer of truth exposed for now I have a responsibility to face confrontation instead of shying away from it. I truly believe that once you have the truth in your hands it’s your responsibility to follow that truth and to always keep it in your path to finding your true self and growing into the person you were created to become. Once you know a thing, you cannot UN-know that thing; it will forever change how you see the world to be.
I do still believe that respect goes a long way and just because you disagree with a person does not meant you have to be disrespectful towards them, because how you treat others really is a mere reflection of how you feel about yourself.
Live your life always respecting yourself and others.
I had no intention to write today, Mondays seem to have become the day I post on here especially since my inspiration has been low and my energy has been out of balance. Today I was scrolling through facebook and i realised so much is happenning around me, its my brothers birthday, my nephews no longer look like babies they are teenagers now, my friends are facing emotions I never thought they would face because they seem so together, some people that were close to me seem so far away now and then people that were far away have pulled themselves closer, people are dying, mothers are crying, others are celebrating life, travelling the world, dancing to their hearts content, the homeless guy of the corner that I greet and chat to every day when I stopped at his traffic light wasnt there today and I missed that smile and short conversation we have every morning.
So as I’m scrolling through facebook, literally looking at everyone elses lives, smiling at the accomplishments and feeling heartsore for those that have difficulties ahead of them, I decided to stop scrolling and take a short account of my life, to evaluate why I have cucooned myself in this protective bubble I find myself in when everyone else is out there clawing at everything to live, fighting to survive and here I am, complacent because something inside of me stopped fueling my fire. It was inside of me that the bubble formed, that I decided I’m safe here and I wont step out too much more, that I’ve pushed enough now and its time to stop. But look at the guy who stands at that traffic light every single day fighting to survive, and the man who I saw washing his face on the road because one of the pipes had burst and it was his ”gap” to get clean and feel fresh, he grabbed at the opportunity. He didn’t care that people could see, he cared that there was water and he could wash. Why am I so afraid to be who I am consisitently, to do what I need to do when the opportunity arises? When I know that its up to me to push, to fight and to create my own opportunities. The world offers me so much, doors are opened all the time, I knowso many people who would give their everything to be exposed to as much as I am exposed to, in both my working life and my personal life. Why am I not pushing more, why am I so afraid of success? Because its literally knocking on my door screaming for me to let it in???
Today as I sit here, I realise that everything I haven’t been doing, is not because I can’t do it, or because I dont know how, it’s because I’m afraid that once I do, theres no turning back and I’m terrified that I wont be ready; because to transition from being just someone who follows and goes with the flow to someone who leads because even in trying to be invisible my entire life I was not able to be invisible and now I have to just be who I was born to be and allow the natural progression of things to flow freely from my core without trying to contain it all in this bubble that I use as an excuse to hold myself back from being something greater that I could ever imagine.
You must be reading this and thinking what is she on and where can I get some!!! Hahaha, well it seems that today I broke through a layer of fear that has been holding me back and I have this feeling I should buckle up and brace myself because whats coming is going to be one hell of a ride! I’m gonna ride this wave confidently because I know who I am and theres just really no point in hiding myself anymore.
Thank you so much for being here, I absolutely love sharing myself with you and I really hope you enjoyed reading this post as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Live your life out of your bubble and keep pushing!
Opening yourself up to new people and to different things isn’t always as easy as it seems. For some of us it takes defying everything that we have installed in our current operating system (mind). There are very few people that I connect with on a real level. What I find is that whenever I do find such a person it is always someone that has the ability to push me to the next level. I don’t ask for these people to be sent into my life, but I’m truly grateful that they do.
If one attracts what they are, then the improvement in the state of my being has really grown exponentially over the last few years. I find myself in circles of positive people, filled with support of who I am and what I want to do; and I am distanced from those that criticize and put me down. This change is also not something that I asked for, but as I learned to love myself and improve myself, being around anyone that treats me less than I deserve just isn’t worth my time. So I found myself alone and isolated from what I knew because it just didn’t feel right anymore. Yet from that isolation and distance the people that enter my life now are on a different level to what I was used to, and more concurrent to the path that I am now on.
Don’t get me wrong I am not saying that every single person from my past is toxic, because that would not be true. I just needed to separate myself from everyone to finally hear my own voice and figure out what direction I needed to go. When your life is too noisy and you cannot hear your own voice, it’s necessary to take drastic steps to quieten everything down in order to find your bearings. As I progress in finding my true voice, the one I was born to be; the one that is not silenced by pain and suffering, I believe I will find my way to all those both in my past and future that are true to me and my calling. For I know in my heart where I belong and the journey to find that place is what makes me stand tall and strong; able to face adversity and overcome obstacles thrown in my way.
I am not on this journey alone, I have never been and I am truly grateful to every single soul that has played an important role in my growth. Whatever role it was whether positive or negative. If I had not crossed every path, met every person, made every single mistake and endured so much pain; I would not be the woman that I am today, I would not be the power that I am today and I certainly would not be the strength that I am today. So to every person place and thing that has touched my life and molded me into the woman I am right now, I thank you, I embrace you and I definitely needed you, because now I see that no matter what I’ve been through or what you have done to me or deprived me of, how you loved me or hurt me, that it was all necessary to break me, mold me and create the person that stands tall today with her head held high – I have survived it all – I am still here!!
I haven’t written in a while and the reason is that I have felt somewhat deflated over the past few weeks. What goes up must come down… right? The important part is that we don’t stay down for too long and get our butts back in the game.
So here is the story… I have always written everything down. It’s in my blood to pour myself onto paper. It was only until a few years ago that I acknowledged this as part of who I am and decided that I should be doing it all the time. But the thing that got me was, why am I doing this? It started out because a few birdies whispered to me that I should give it a try and I was too afraid so I didn’t at first, but then it became a challenge to face my fear of “showing” myself to the world and just do it, so I did but I didnt let anyone know that I was writing, I just wrote and left it out there for whoever to stumble across it by chance. After a year I got the confidence to show the people in my world and on facebook etc. what I’ve been up to and I only recieved positive feedback from those who supported the page.
So what is the actual problem? Why have I not been writing? What is actually holding me back? Well it’s because I write the truth, and my truth felt deflated for a moment and I didnt want to impose my darkness on you! So I climbed into my hole and hibernated, feeling like a fraud, like I’m letting you down and also letting myself down. All because I chose to hide and not fight through the blank space and make the time to write something, anything. But I didn’t; I chose to hide.
In my hiding space I went to a friends wedding and met some very interesting people. While in Cape Town I met a young lady, around 24 years of age who asked my friend for his lighter. Little did I know that this soul would awaken inside of me what was always there but afraid to come out. As she stood there and smoked her cigarette she complained about a few things in her life and by default I found myself giving her some advice about the choices she makes for herself and how important they are. After our chat she said I should start a blog because she thought people would be interested in what I have to say. It was then that I felt guilt filling in my core, guilt for not writing, guilt for hiding and guilt for not pushing harder.
I think in the frustration of having to maintain a 9 to 5 job in order to keep my family a float and my bills paid I found myself frustrated. Frustrated because I had not managed to balance the two and chose one over the other, when I had made a promise to myself to prioritise doing what I loved no matter what tried to distract me. I think this feeling of guilt and frustration was due to my promise to always do my best to share my experiences and my findings in order to help and then I realised how dissapointed I was in myself when I opened my page this morning and found it neglected and stagnant for so long.
My wake up call was the young lady who soaked in every word that came out of my mouth as I reminded her of her worth and her capabilities if she put her mind to her goals. Along with the realisation of my own goals as I spoke to her and how I too need to practice what I preach and remember my very own worth along with my very own goals. It reminded me that I am important and I have to focus on myself and my state of mind even when things become testing and frustrating its up to me not to allow the emotions to take over and the frustration to rule over my choices.
I have been unkind to myself, by not maintaining a balance between mind, body and soul and in return have been unkind to my family by not giving them the best version of myself allowing myself to fall in the trap of straight lines when life is not a straight line at all.
I write these words with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart. Hope for a renewal of spirit, hope for my balance to return and hope for my days to be brighter and full of more of me and less of “them”. What will “they’say? It doesnt matter, because no matter what I choose “they” will always have something to say. So more of me and less of them. More courage less fear. More pushing forward and less hiding in the shadows.
I had a conversation with an old friend of mine who has not had an easy life due to the choices he had made. But life keeps giving him the greatest opportunities to re invent himself and to make the positive changes he needs in his life. If only he could grab a hold of one of those opportunities and use it to stabalise himself, or to create a positive life for himself. Look, I realise its up to him to see how blessed he actually is and to make the necessary changes he needs to create happiness and abundance in his life. I also realise that pain can sometimes blind us to what we actually have and make us dwell in what we feel inside.
It made me take a moment to think about all the opportunities I have let slide past me in the name of fear, or not believing in myself. I realise that I have to be the change I wish to see in my friend, not only for my own benefit but for those around me. I cannot control what other people do, but I do control what I do and if they have an example, someone to show them that there is a way out and that life does not have to be a pit of misery no matter what you have been faced with. I will never dial down anyones pain, pain is real and felt in the depths of a persons being, they are entitled to feel what they feel. My wish for those that have been broken, hurt and violated is to show them that they are not doomed to a life of misery and that they CAN overcome the darkness that takes over, it is not forever and they really are able to move past the darkness and find their light once again. I know there are people that will say “easier said than done,” and I agree it really is easier to say all these things than to actually get them done. Which is why I choose to focus on what I can change, and thats myself. If they see that I can heal my own pain and not be dark anymore then maybe, just maybe, I can motivate someone to do the same, or at least try and look for a silver lining to the cloud they may find themselves in.
My daughter looks to me for everything, and I have to show her that there is always light even in the darkest moment, if she just looks within herself and tries to find it. No matter how difficult it may be. I know that I am not perfect, I know that there are people that are better equipped to be the change I wish to see in the world, but the reality of the matter is that we all have to play our part, and if I can be brave and find my light then hopefully you will want to be brave and find yours too. After all, we cannot allow darkness to win, no matter how hard it tries , light must always prevail.
Even the most put together people fall apart sometimes, the most successful ones too. I do not pretend to be anything that I am not, and I most certainly am not perfect. I am a firm believer in going through the process and being true to your feelings even if that means completely falling apart.
August 2020 was a tough month for me, I was faced with challenges within myself that pushed me to a new limit, it’s been a long while since I’ve been through something as big as this. Big for me, because I had to face one of the deepest darkest corners of myself and for my longest dark period in many years it has taken me 4 weeks to finally come back to myself.
I have found something in me that I hadn’t known before, I have found a new level of peace and understanding that only can be reached by allowing deep pain to ACTUALLY heal. My friend has been telling me that she feels deep down I don’t believe I deserve true happiness. And I always respond with ” what are you on about im so happy?” because I genuinely was so happy, within myself… until my boundaries were pushed and I was faced with something I never thought I would need to face. ACTUALLY ALLOWING SOMEONE INTO MY INTIMATE, INTIMATE SPACE. THAT PLACE WHERE NO ONE HAS GONE BEFORE, THAT PLACE I KEPT FROM EVERYONE BECAUSE IT WAS NOT SAFE TO LET ANYONE IN THAT DOOR…
Now, intimate space is a space of complete trust, complete vulnerability and you really basically let someone into the door that for me has never ever been opened. As you all know my life has not been a walk in the park, and of course due to this walls are put up and defensive mechanisms are developed. I have been working on my healing process for many years now and have come a very long way. I am proud of where I am and the work that I have put into my healing.
Then this happens, this person that I trust completely with my life until the relationship got to a point of me and that door, that big red door that needed to be opened, I panicked and ran for the hills. Okay to put this into perspective, when I panic I react, badly. I say things I shouldn’t say, I do things I wouldn’t normally do and basically I became my broken 21 year old self ALL over again in just one blink. I lost myself in fear, I lost myself in panic and everything fell to pieces. I fell to pieces. I even started smoking again. Yes 3.5 years of good behaviour went down the drain all because I panicked.
Funny thing though when you reach the darkest pit of your soul you have a choice to make. Basically you can sit there and self destruct completely or you can have a look around and deal with whatever demons lie there, beat the crap outta them and then re emerge to your light. This comes in stages, the emerging, because the darkness does not easily let go of your soul, it wants to keep you there. It’s a fight that only can be won if you use all your strength and you look to more than just yourself to win the battle. Negative energy lurks around everywhere and it just wants to suck you in, you have to find the positive energies around you and ask them to help. I am blessed with an amazing support structure, that through thick and thin fight my battles with me. If it wasn’t for the words of encouragement, the pushes and the greater understanding from my support system, I would not have won this battle. But I have to say that my connection to God is what what really saved me. My understanding of God, and my ability to look to him when things are not of this human world. My fight was a spiritual one and there is no greater warrior to fight spiritual battles than your creator. I believe that I am protected and that I am alive today because I am protected. I believe that the power of the universe lies in all of us, the power of creation, the energy that links us all together and that we live as one in spirit.
I haven’t really been writing because, well, I’ve been at war with so many things and I’m ready to share with you now, well because my war is over. I have come out on top with the realisation of a lifetime.
Being told that “you think you clever , I’ll show you whos clever” for most of my youth had grown roots in me, it something that was said to me in past relationships, frienships and just in general. It was a tit for tat lifestyle, if you do something wrong I’ll show you I can do better. I developed a belief system that if I make a mistake the people closest to me are going to do something to punish me, and so before I can feel pain, I create a situation where I can control the pain and I am the one doing the damage instead. I didn’t realise this until just yesterday. I had a dream and the realisation in this dream showed me that I am carrying this inside of me and that is why I attack when I make mistakes. This lightbulb moment came just in time for me to realise a wrong that I was doing. A wrong that I created, a molehill that I have turned into a mountain.
Once the light went on in my mind and I saw the root of my problem, everything lifted. I knew that this was fixable, I was fixable and that was my final step out of my darkness. When I took hold of who I am now and pulled myself out of the mindset of who I used to be. I choose my path, I choose light. I’m glad this happened, I may have lost a close relationship along the way, but I found a new level of understanding myself and growing myself. I have pushed past a barrier that I didn’t even see, I didn’t know it existed and the lesson learnt is so valuable to me. Now I can continue to focus on healing and breaking a pattern that is trying to keep it’s home inside of me. The good thing is , once I know it’s there, I’m doing everything in my power to change the belief system and flush old negative beliefs out. Yes it takes time and work, but this is what I’ve been doing for the last 15 years, identifying what need to be rectified, building myself up, picking myself up everytime I fall and peeling myself off the floor even when things are tough. The greatest reward is when you reach the top again and you look down and see everything that you have accomplished, every battle that you’ve won and you can celebrate another victory.
Every battle comes with a lesson, you will continue to fight the battles in your mind until you finally learn the lesson. My lightbulb moment came exactly at the moment I needed it because I was ready to give up, but then God, as usual, was just on time.
I am blessed and humbled to be myself again. I am grateful to be out of this dark space and I will continue to push myself through each barrier that still lives in me, each belief system that surfaces, because you can only heal a wound that you know is there.