As I am

I watch a lot of motivational videos as I am always looking for inspiration. Those who seek will find. I believe this. I look at the people in these videos and I wonder if they really do have their shit together like they say they do. Their words are magical and hypnotic and I definitely want more of what I’m listening to, but where are the parts where they explain their struggles too, you know those ups and downs and tornado’s that hit along the way. Did they also cry bitterly on the floor in pain before they overcame? Did they also take 2 steps forward and 10 steps back? Is it just me that’s finding it all a real battle? You know, the battle with yourself and your daily habits, the battle with the people around you or the lack of people around you, the battle to find the right support from genuine people, the battle to overcome the internal struggle with yourself, like a proper full blown argument with yourself in your head, silently. Then there’s the battles out of your control, these ones are exhausting. Especially when you get sucked into them, because there is nothing you can do. So you basically running around like a headless chicken. All over the place but you have zero control of the outcome.

Am I picking a fight with those that have chosen to share their positive lessons? No, absolutely not, those lessons pull me out of my darkest moments and without them I would not have come this far. I just sit and wonder, if they too struggle like me on a daily basis to keep my head up, to keep my positive voice turned on and are they constantly shoving the negative one (voice) back in its box. Are there attacks coming from all sides all the time. Can they also never let their guard down because as soon as they do… BOOM… Battlefield Galactica everywhere you look.

I think my greatest shortfall is having no real people to truly lean on. I genuinely feel alone in this life. Yes I have friends, but they have their own lives and families too. We are all busy. It’s lonely here, with nobody left alive in this world that truly knows all of me, the pictures they now have are fragmented, because they have not been with me until the end, which makes understanding me so much more difficult. I feel like my past confuses many people, especially the part where I am not afraid to talk about it all. I am not ashamed to share my story. I know I have made many shady choices, I know I have had many uncomfortable experiences, I’m aware that not everybody is into depth like I am. Nor are they into self development and growth like I am. People are happy to see me, and have a good time with me, but where are the people that share ideas, and talk strategies and share knowledge with each other. You know the ones that see lifting each other up and discussing how to build wealth as a good time. It’s genuinely lonely where I am at the moment. It’s also difficult because once again I am figuring it all out on my own, with the help of people I have never met. Books, podcasts, seminars. This is how I find my knowledge (which in my opinion is seriously lacking).

I have to keep reminding myself to not be impatient, to keep pushing through and to never give up. I have come a really long way. I have real love for the path that I am on. I genuinely care about sharing myself to help others. I just wish that caring would pay these bills. I wish loving humanity would cover my mortgage, and educate my kid. I haven’t found a way as yet. Who knows what the future holds though. Who knows what today will bring or what tomorrow promises. Living for now is the only way to live. It’s the only way to be truly happy. Appreciating this very moment, where I get to share my life with you, my accomplishments and my struggles. In the hopes that it will give you the courage to take the steps you need to take to move forward, to grow, to heal and to live in your full potential.

I genuinely am happiest here. I smile the most in this place, you know those smiles that come from the inside. It’s where I am just free to be me. No filters, no airs and graces. Just me, my soul and I, sharing with you and creating connections I would never before have ever dreamed I would have with people from all over the world. This is my happy place.

Love and light.



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