I’m trying really hard to remain calm and focus on the positives in my life at the moment. My focus is forward, my focus is right now, not yesterday and certainly not tomorrow. If I look to either side of me I may be distracted by the crashing down of the world as I know it and be distracted by worry and fear instead of focusing ahead, on what’s in front of me and on what I CAN control.

I’m in a good place though, don’t be alarmed, my eyes are fixed on what’s important and on who’s important, my heart is at ease because I know that no matter the outcome I am loved. So I close my eyes and pray, for my focus not to shift, for my fears not to rule, for my courage to be brought forth and for my strength to carry me through while I am carrying this burden through.

You are probably wondering what the hell is going on with Tammy? And the answer is this… I am carrying the weight of my family on my shoulders alone and by my family I mean my immediate family (teenager), I have nobody that I can truly lean on for real, yes a little here and there, but I always have to be cautious. I have the weight of my dreams on my shoulders, the ones that I am working towards daily, praying for daily and still doing what must be done to pay the bills. I have to find the strength to continue to push through the pain of not being free of the way I was taught to survive yet fighting it with all that I have.

Financial distress, emotional distress, health challenges, and the only thing that keeps me calm and strong is my spiritual strength, the fact that I understand that I can only do what I can do, and if it’s bigger than me then it’s not my battle to fight, (Thank you Steven), and so I hand it over to the spiritual realm. To me Gods got me. My belief in this is what keeps me from giving up, keeps me pushing forward as hard as I possibly can. My faith keeps me strong, keeps me alert and even though I don’t have any physical humans to lean on, or to confide in, I’m keeping it together because I have a spiritual father who can carry the weight of the world and not waver. (As I’m typing this I’m thinking, I have living parents here on earth too… but my parents are over 70, it’s my turn now to give them the support that they once gave me. I can’t be laying the crazy of my life on their shoulders, I wont do that to them. They deserve peace and joy at their age. So yes I talk to them and yes I lean on them, for love and hugs and emotional support, but not entirely, because I’m heavy and they should not be carrying my 43 year old ass any more. I got them, I got me and I got my kid).

I’ve also been torn about which direction to take with regards to my writing and my podcast. I purposefully keep my spirituality broad because I don’t want to isolate anyone because they don’t follow my belief system. I’ve always maintained that I have no judgements with regards to peoples choices for themselves. It’s not for me to decide what works for someone else, I can only decide for myself what works for me. I admit, I hold back because of this, and I don’t think I’m being fair to myself. I am who I am right? I believe what I believe and I should be free to write what I truly feel without holding back in order to not isolate others because my intention is not to isolate others but to freely express and share myself. After all I choose this for me and I respect what you choose for you. I think a part of the weight on my shoulders is me always trying to never offend anyone? I think that plays a huge role in the the burdens that I carry daily. Not everyone will like me, not everyone will agree with me. That is just an impossible phenomenon to hold onto, and I need to begin to work on being firm in my own beliefs, and being able to stand by them.

This session became a lightbulb moment for me. So in light of my AHA moment, I realise that I am too much of a people pleaser. I will immediately begin to work on that and not let certain people walk all over me anymore…

I thank you for being here with me as I navigate my way through life and for your continuous love and support that you send my way even though you have never met me.

Love and Light

Tammy