It’s interesting for me to observe how my reactions to a thing changes over time. The difference being that I am looking at the challenge with my eyes wide open and self development and growth on my side. Using the challenges that I have faced in life to help me grow and to change my mindset for the better instead of to hold me back. Its a process though, one step forward two steps back. Two steps forward no steps back. Yes sometimes I regress, but what I find important is the willingness to continue to push through the challenges even though it feels like I’m going nowhere at that time.

I now find myself in a place where I look at the world and its the same world, but I see it so differently. I accept it for what it is now, I don’t wish it was different, I don’t regret any of my mistakes anymore and I don’t live in shame. I know that no matter what I must face, that everything will work out in the end and there’s no point in worrying about what has not happened as yet. If I make a mistake, no matter how big or small, I learn something from it. If I hurt people in the past, I cannot change that, I can apologise, but I cannot live in shame and regret for the rest of my life over poor choices that I made in the past. Yes I am imperfect. I am ok with that. My imperfection makes me human. I see now that hiding in my house doesn’t make the world stop. It only makes my progress stop. It takes away my drive and my will to be the person that I truly am. It makes me sad and lonely and depressed.

I had a chat with a friend and while talking I realised that I already have the answers. However sometimes I just need a loved one to push me out of the loop that I’m are in. Round in circles is ok, until its not ok and once you realise you are in the loop it’s on you to jump out of it or to stay stuck in it.

When I look at the world I see a place full of mystery. It’s a beautiful mystery, a painful mystery, a sorrowful mystery and a joyful mystery. The key for me is to embrace each one as they come. The pain will pass, but so will the joy. They key for me now is to stay present in the moment. Even if the moment is a painful one, with the understanding that life is not a straight line. The has to be ups and downs, lefts and rights and wobbles here and there. That’s what makes it life. How dull would it be if we were stuck in a monotone life, with a straight line and everything was the same every day.

I think for me, the realisation that no matter which path I choose to take, it will be ok keeps me going. My belief that no matter which mistake I make, it will work itself out in the end and even if it doesn’t, I will be ok. I’m certainly not getting out of this life alive anyway. So I may as well learn as much as I can, Do as much as I can, Be who I was meant to be and take as many risks as I want to. There is no escape, so why run from it. Instead, running into each challenge or joyous moment head on is much more worthwhile in the end. That way I will have tried my best with all that I was gifted and I will have left behind a legacy of never giving up and facing it all for my daughter. I don’t want her to live in my shadow, I want her to live in her light. I want her to see how I jumped into life, even if it took me a while, that I found my way and jumped into it head first. Hoping for the best but enduring the worst when I had to. She watches me closely, she doesn’t even know it but she’s such a beautiful delight of a person and her wonder for life amazes me. The way she tackles her life inspires me to be the best mom I can be for her. So that when she watches me, its with big bright beautiful eyes and with her head held high. I want her to see that she too has the strength to shine as bright as she was made to shine.

I don’t regret the difficulties I had to face, I appreciate them. They have molded me into the woman I am today. My eyes have been opened to the glory and wonder of life and the beauty of it all lies in the fact that I can never un-see what I now see and I will live out the rest of my days ready for the whatever comes my way. I am grateful for the paths I had to take because they got me here and this is a beautiful place where blessings are found even in painful moments.

Love and light

Tammy