It’s up in the air

Have you ever felt like you have no control over anything? That’s how I have been feeling lately, like everything is just up in the air floating around and out of my control or my reach. It seems to be a time where I truly rely on faith. Faith that I have done enough to secure my place and that what is for me will be for me and what is not for me will pass me by.

Faith… People say “have faith” like it doesn’t come with some anxiety and fear. Like you should just have it. Like its so easy to have but I have learnt that having faith is an active work in progress. Something I must always work on, it doesn’t just fall in your lap. In order to believe, I have to do everything within my power to understand first, then do everything I can to apply my knowledge and then I have to trust my instincts. But how do you trust, when 9 times out of 10 you have been wrong? I have to constantly remind myself that its not people I am putting my trust in, its myself, its my work, its my purpose. I am trusting in the fact that what I have put into the world will surely be paid off in one way or another. Have you ever heard the saying “be careful what you wish for because you just might get it” ? I have to trust that if the answer is no, its because that thing that I thought I NEEDED was not mine to have, and that there is more to it that meets the eye.

In all honesty I cannot sit here and type or say that I am in control of everything, because I am not. I can die in a second, my life can turn around in a second for the better or even for the worse. The only thing I control is my thoughts and my reactions and that on its own is not something that I am always in control of, because I seem to lose it regularly in times of frustration anger or even fear. I let go of that control and just succumb to my emotions (which never really works out for the best) I literally throw the little control that I should have up in the air.

I sometimes wonder after I have thrown a fit of rage directed mostly at the wrong target what actually happens to me while that is happening, where do I go? Because I know that that is most certainly not me behaving this badly? It cannot possibly be me? Can it? What is it that lies dormant inside of me waiting for a moment of weakness to take over and let rip. Because after every single fit of rage or tantrum thrown, I sit in regret for not handling the situation better. Now I’m not a violent angry person, I mostly use my words when I’m angry and my tongue gets very sharp and attack mode is on and screw the consequences. The problem there, is that the consequences are not always worth the 2 minute anger tantrum and the long term pain it may cause the person on the receiving end.

I can happily say that I am normally really good with holding back anger or frustration for a long time, but this is only because I know how bad it can get if I am triggered and I now realize is where my problem lies. I get so tired of smiling and holding back that it builds up to the point of no return and is almost always unleashed by the tiniest issue and on the wrong person entirely. Avoiding that initial conflict is creating a mountain of a problem for me, whereas I could just resolve the tiny issue that I am faced with each time. Truth be told, I would probably not lose myself in fits of frustration if I did this and then it will all probably not be thrown in the air, I would have control over my emotions and whatever that darkness is that lies there waiting for its opportunity will never be given the opportunity. They key here is to stop the problem before it is even created, don’t give it life, don’t give it a chance to grow roots in your mind. Or my mind at least.

Basically I have to find the courage to speak up ALWAYS when something irks me or tugs at my triggers because that is the only way to remain in control of myself. After all, I can be in control of nothing else or nobody else. And wouldn’t it be a shame if the one thing I was tasked to ‘Handle” (me) I let go of completely and failed. Its the one thing that I have for sure and I have been giving it to others to control. This is a serious realization, something that I truly have to learn to understand more. The lightbulb in my mind has finally turned on.

I have heard so many different variations that people in self mastery use to help understand this concept. “Your life is a movie and you are the star of the show, you cant be an extra in your own movie.” This is one of the most popular of them all. But for me, I just realized this on a deeper more spiritual level. I’ve been given this life, nobody else can really live it for me, I have to live it. I came here alone and I’m leaving alone. In the interim, while I walk the earth in this body, I am steering this body, I allow what I want in and I refuse what I want to refuse. I cannot steer anyone else’s body but my own. But I can influence them in a positive way to help them steer themselves in a positive direction. However I first have to learn how to steer myself, how I work, what I can and cannot do. I’m like a car that nobody else can drive. Even when I feel like I have handed the wheel over to someone else, I haven’t, because nobody else can choose for me. They can influence my choice, they can block my way, they can crash into me and cause damage, but this car will not start with anyone else in the driving seat but me. Sometimes I get stuck in traffic and it seems I wont ever get out of it, but I will eventually, no matter how long it takes. Some traffic takes longer to clear than others, but it always clears. I can let people in to ride with me, but they cannot control what I do, they can influence how I think, how I feel, they can feed me with negative thoughts, they can even tell me where to turn and try to convince me of a route that they prefer, but ultimately this is my car (body) and its my choice to turn or not, its my choice to stop or not. I can kick them out if I like and find people that wont try to take me to negative places or I can choose to drive alone and find my own way. Ultimately. No matter what anybody says or does, the choice in the end is mine. To shout to scream, to learn or to not learn, to submit or to not submit, to believe in God or not, to believe in life or not, to believe in anything or not. Its all my choice. I can give you the illusion that you are in control of me, but its always just an illusion, I’m still the one driving and I can always stop and change direction if I choose to do so whether others approve or not.

I have spent many years of my life stuck in the illusion that I am not in control. I believed the lie that was told to me. That I have to do what I’m told no matter how uncomfortable it makes me and that I have to take the path of least resistance always. But that’s all it was, an illusion, a smoke screen, created to blind me from the truth and to keep me from fulfilling my true path, and from walking in the light that was behind that screen of smoke. But why? Why create the smoke in the first place? What’s this tug of war between good and bad, light and darkness, rich or poor or real or fake really about anyway? Will we ever really know?

My brain works in pictures, incase you haven’t already noticed and my picture has just become clearer. The realization that no matter what the outcome of anything, it will be ok. That ultimately the goal is to always be myself and to never hide behind illusions created by others in an attempt to be safe. Safe from what exactly? We cannot avoid our ultimate end, we will all eventually die, the real challenge is how will we all choose to live? Will it be in true freedom and in our true light or will it be a shadowed existence hidden from who we really are what we were actually meant to be doing? We all have our role to play, and we are the only ones that know how to play it. We can either choose to do it well, or we can be sloppy, but we have to play the role, it cant be avoided. We are here, we didn’t ask to be here, yet here we are, playing a role, in a body that we didn’t ask for and ultimately its up to us what we choose to do with this opportunity that we have been given. Are we going to squander it and just waste it or will we use it to learn to discover to grow and to explore every single avenue and ability that this body has?

The question of the day is: ” is it really ALL up in the air?” or ” are we just throwing it up in the air because we are to afraid of the responsibilities/consequences that come with holding on?” ” If we threw it up, then surely it must come back down? Will you catch it or let it fall to the ground? Is it heavy or light? Why did we throw it in the first place? Where did it even come from? Is it good for you or will it hurt you?” Something for you to ponder on. Are you treating your life like a hot potato and just throwing it up in the air for others to grab because holding onto it has just become to uncomfortable, or have you realized that the heat is temporary and it will serve you better in the long run to hold onto it and manage the pain until finally cools down. Or will you just let it fall and hit the ground and splatter all over the floor and leave it for somebody else to clean up? Or will you clean up your own mess? Its your potato, its your life. Its your rules. When the day comes for you to face your choices, will you be proud of your journey, or will you regret your choices? I guess “it” is really up in the air, and its your choice to catch “it” or not. Whatever “it” is, because ‘it” could be anything.

Live a life with no regrets. Live your life the way you want to. Live your life.

Love and Light

Tammy