In being true to myself I have been able to manage my insecurities and anxiety much quicker lately and much more easily than before. I used to wallow in my own sadness and anxiety or just beat myself up for the longest periods of time. The messy parts are definitely less now that I hold myself accountable to the truth about my story and whatever the situation is at that point in time.
Telling myself the truth is never something that I used give any attention to, I used to be so comfortable with the negative storyline in my head that I didn’t ever question it and I let it run wild. I used to let that dialogue in my mind destroy me on a daily basis. Its funny because I find myself correcting it now, and reminding myself that the truth for my situation now does not have to hold onto the truth of a situation from 10 years ago. I have grown since then, I have learnt lessons, met people, lost people and as much as these things don’t change the facts, I have to remind myself that how I see those facts have changed. That I as a whole have changed.
The truth for me is that without my faith and believe in GOD I would have never made it this far. That’s my simple truth. My truth is also that I choose to believe that I am not alone in this internal fight and that there is a higher power greater than my understanding that intervenes on my behalf when I am not able to. That’s my truth. That is my foundation. The truth is that I’ve been talking to GOD since I was a child, fighting, crying, begging, pleading and also thanking GOD. When I feel alone I remember that I may be physically alone but spiritually I am never alone. This has always brought me comfort.
I never really liked to talk about my faith here or my deeply rooted belief in GOD because I felt like people would judge me, but then I realized that people are going to judge me anyway. So I try to keep the dialogue here free, and I will continue to do so, because my choice does not mean I judge your choice. Religion divides us too much, I wont use this platform to divide anyone or to exclude anyone. I believe that just as I have the freedom to choose for myself, so does everyone else. The freedom to choose what’s right for you is your right. I would be annoyed if someone tried to force anything on me and judged me because of my personal preferences. So I extend the same courtesy to those that make different choices to mine.
For me LOVE is the most important thing. Love your neighbors as yourselves. I reserve all judgement to the only being that has the right to judge and that is the creator of life. Its not up to me to go around judging you for your life when I myself am so flawed. I have accepted that those that choose judgement will walk their path and I will walk with those that choose love. It is not my task to force the direction of any human, not even my own child. This is not an easy task, the one where you allow your child the freedom to explore what is right for her, with no judgement. Secretly you hope that they follow in your footsteps but the truth is we have no control over any human, we are not GOD.
I thought about starting a separate page to openly discuss my faith and my journey, but then I came to the realization that I would only be doing this to avoid losing readers and I had to get behind the truth of the matter, which really was that I was afraid of being rejected. I now understand that my fear of rejection comes from my fear of failure and I thought if I held back some of who I am it wont be so bad. But this is not the truth, the truth is that by denying myself the freedom to be me, I lose the entire point of this platform, and that is authenticity. The place where I bear my truth for you to see that you are not alone in this internal struggle of whether you should do a thing or not. Whether you should reveal yourself or not. I just asked myself now, “why am I doing this “and the answer is to to share myself with the world in order to help those that feel alone or that struggle with the same demons as I do.
This morning I prayed that GOD would untangle the knot in my stomach, I prayed that the emptiness in my heart will be filled and that the cloud that’s been following me for the last few days would disappear. I prayed my way out of the cloud, I prayed my way back into clarity.
My city has gone through so much in the last month and we are still recovering. The floods have taken over 400 lives and homes have been destroyed. the number of displaced families is crazy. I thought by now it should all be settling down, but the truth is we are all holding onto that cloud, or at least I was. The energy in the city is just low. Between Covid, natural disasters and just dealing with everyday life, the city of Durban has really been through a lot. The people have been through a lot. When one thing passes another seems to be lurking in the shadows. Not too long ago we had the unrest, and lives were lost there too. I didn’t realize that I was carrying all this with me for so long.
I am thankful that I feel lighter today, light enough for me to write with an open heart and not with a heavy one. Its difficult to express myself when I’m in a cloud of darkness. I’m happy to have clarity once again. I’m happy to see that the hard work I have been putting into myself really is paying off and the tools that I have learned over the last few months really do work. They really do lift me up and pull me out of a funk that I don’t need to be in.
Its time to be excited. The purchase of my first home is coming together and soon I will be a homeowner. Its going to be an achievement for me, something I didn’t even think of 10 years ago. I am a late bloomer, but who says 42 isn’t as good as any other age to start building on the foundations that I have been laying over the past few years. It sure feels like its not too late and so I hold my head up high, I thank my maker for the opportunity to live another day and I face what’s been placed in front of me with all that I have. Who knows what tomorrow holds, That’s tomorrows promise, but I will focus on here and now and let tomorrow see for itself. Right now I am here with you. Thinking of you, writing not only for myself but for you too. The truth is that I really do care about what happens to you, how you are feeling and that you grow into the person you are meant to be. I may not know you in person, but by you reading this we are connected, me as the writer and you as the reader. Our paths have crossed and this interaction matters. That is why when I am here I am careful to remember why I am here and I am careful to remember that I too once looked for someone who understood, who I could resonate with and who walked through the fire of life and overcame it. I may not be be rich with money, but I am rich with Love in my heart for those who ache, and for those who need a healing word. I know I cant change the world, but I can be my best here and reach out to you and let you know wherever you are in the world that YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE CHERISHED, YOU ARE GOING TO OVERCOME THAT THING THAT STANDS IN YOUR WAY AND THAT I WILL CONTINUE TO SEND MY LOVE AND LIGHT INTO THE WORLD IN THE HOPES THAT YOU FIND IT AND USE IT TO PUSH DOWN THOSE BARRIERS, THOSE WALLS, AND SET YOUR SPIRIT FREE.
The truth is that we all are just doing the best that we can with what we have. Some have more than others, but we still do our best and that on its own is good enough. To have gone through a day knowing you have made it through and remember that tomorrow will bring a new light, some new challenges and a whole bunch of new opportunities too.
I wrote this post today because I want the truth, your truth to set you free.
Love and light as always.