40 How much?

Its my birthday week and this Mama is turning a whopping 42 on Saturday. Am I excited to be 42? Hell yes! Do you know what a privilege it is to live and be alive? So many of my loved ones didn’t make it and I am still here. So I lift my head high, I stand tall (all 1.76m of me) and I live. I live because I’m here, I push because I still can and I get up every time I fall because if I don’t then what? What’s the alternative? I stay down and waste the precious life that I GET to live and others don’t? Hell Nah. I’m gonna do this with all that is in me and embrace every wrinkle that comes, every grey hair and every single privilege that comes with aging.

I look at my life and I can smile and its because I can see how far I’ve come! I can see how much I’ve turned it around. Where once I was completely lost and now I’m just a little lost 🤣. I call myself a late bloomer, because everything that I should have done in my 20’s (according to the standards of society) I’m only doing now. I’m looking at buying my first home very soon, I’m finally open to love and be loved. I’ve never been married you see. By choice and by circumstances. I just didn’t allow myself trust anyone enough with the role of my husband. I had seen too many horror marriages and I had experienced too many horror males to trust even a single one. That’s what I had been living with. Shoo. How morbid was I before… Look I still am a work in progress, but my willingness to open up has definitely improved plentiful as I take this journey of healing and self development. I’m clearer now about what I want my life to look like and I’m willing to do the work to get there.

42 for me is a door to unlimited possibilities. It’s my new year, my fresh start. I love to use my birthday month to make an annual assessment of my progress and to draw up the plan for the next year. The plans are a guide and not set in stone, but I find that having one makes it easier to navigate the direction I need to finally reach, even if there are detours along the way. Some detours come with amazing surprises and others with serious setbacks, but all of them are welcomed learning experiences. I have learnt that the good and the bad are important.

I’m excited to grow, to learn, and to become the vision I have of myself. Each day that goes by, each step I take brings me closer to that vision. I love that I now embrace each part of my journey, understanding that my past is over I cant change it, and appreciating it for molding me into who I am today. I love that I can see where I have placed limitations on myself and I am now able to seek help in removing these limitations. I love that even if I have one bad moment, I have learnt how to not make that moment ruin my entire day. I love that I can look at my own behaviour now and rectify my choices before they spiral out of control and hurt those around me. I love that saying I’m sorry to those that I have wronged comes easily to me now. I remember a time when I couldn’t bring myself to say those words ever. I love that I’m not angry at the world anymore, that I look at life as a gift now and not a burden to endure everyday. I love that the years of work that I have put into myself has finally shown itself to me in the form of my life improvements and in the way I see the people around me and the path ahead of me. I love that the path ahead of me is not a worry anymore because I understand that I can only deal wit the step in front of me and If I just focus on the steps I’m taking now, that new paths may even open up so there’s no point in worrying about what’s too far ahead, just what’s happening now.

My plan is to not stress and trust that the end goal will manifest itself in time. When the time is right and when I am ready.

My plan is to continue to love my life just as it is now and to do the best I can now with what I have now.

My plan is to take each moment with a loving heart and embrace all that life brings my way.

My plan is to live.

42 doesn’t look so bad from where I’m standing. But for now, let me rock this last few days of 41 years old. Ill never be this age again, so I have to make the most of it while I’m here.

Love you all.

Tammy