This is something I have never really struggled with in the past, but recently anxiety has been a real thing for me. When I look at the bigger picture of my life, I know that I’m surrounded by blessings. I have so much and I am closer to where I dream of being. So why the anxiety?
I guess its the same old story about the internal battle continuously happening in everyone’s mind. The old vs the new. The dream vs reality. When you reach that tipping point and its time to jump right into the new but the old is holding you back with invisible strings that you just cant shake. Or at least I just cant shake.
I’ve lost a lot in my life, I have also gained a lot. I try to focus on what I have and not what I have lost, but in reality the things you lose and the people you lose leave a gap in your life, a hole that has a heavy type of emptiness that you can never truly replace you can fill it up with new things and new people, but I guess the new shapes just don’t fit quite like the older ones. Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes you wish you could just have that hug one more time, or or see THAT smile. You know when you are surrounded by faces but the one face you need just isn’t there anymore, because life is short and people are not immortal. So we just have to learn to adjust to life every time someone’s life ends.
I recently lost my grandfather. 94 years of age. He lived a full life and although he struggled in the last few months of his life, he died a peaceful death. I’ve never known life without him. He has just always been there. Its interesting how when someone leaves their physical bodies they seem to take everything that they are with them. Everything they represented, everything they did… Gone. Families fall apart after the glue that held them together passes. I’ve seen this happen in my life in many families. Its like the end of an era. For my family at least.
My anxiety was not triggered by my grandfathers passing, it has however been amplified by it. I keep seeing death around me and it is triggering things in me that I need to find a way to settle in my soul. Like, have I done enough, Is my kid going to be ok if anything happens to me and the answer is no I have not done enough and yes my kid will be ok but I need to do more. I need to do better. But then I have to pull myself back and remember “One day at a time Tammy. One moment at a time”. That’s all I can do really. This anxiety is caused by letting the what ifs take over my mind. What if I never make it to my dreams. What if I fail. What if, what if, what if. Its like I’ve taken 10 steps backward and why? I dont know. I continuously see how frail life is. I see how no matter how healthy you live your life you can still die of cancer. I see how there are no guarantees. I see how in the last moments of your life the people that should be there sometimes aren’t. I see how when you are sick, many people aren’t there to nurse you and look after you but then others are. And I see how quickly life gets back to normal once you die.
So what is the point of it all? To work our asses off to pay bills to barely survive and then die. What is the point of that? I mean if I have to be here and I’m going to work my ass off for anything it definitely shouldn’t be just to pay dam bills? Surely I should be living for much much more, because money means nothing once you die. It creates animosity between those that you leave it for and they end up fighting over who got more and they didn’t even work a day in their lives for it. I guess I just have seen so much in the 41 years and 11 months of my life that I’m standing at the edge of a cliff, looking at the view and admiring its beauty, behind me is EVERYTHING in the past, in front of me is the unknown. I have a choice. Stand here frozen, and let the past hold me back, or jump into the unknown, trusting that the parachute I have on my back will open and I will land safely below. I see now that the worst that can happen is that I’ll die. But I think at this point I’ll rather take my chances of an earlier physical death than be dead emotionally , mentally and spiritually for a long time.
I’m told now is not the time to do anything crazy. But then if not now, then when? The problem is, what is that thing that I need to do to take me over the edge of this dam cliff that I’m stuck on. The invisible strings just wont let me go and my anxiety grows everyday that I don’t find a way to set myself free. I know this feeling is just for now, I know it will go away and I will eventually bounce back to my optimistic self and see the world with hearts and flowers again, but today I see mist and clouds, its hazy and I am frozen in this one place. In this moment, In this situation, on this day, I am here, stuck, sad and anxious about everything that is , was and could be… And I can only deal with right now, so deep breaths and one step at a time, I know Ill get back to where I need to be or jump into the beauty of the unknown and give my life to living freely and not being tied up in knot of nerves just because it got a little tough for a moment.
Ok, enough of the doom and gloom for one day but thank you for being here on this journey with me. I’m Grimm today I know, but this is where I’m at and its a journey of both ups and downs. My down wont last too long I promise, but right now in remembrance of a man that has lived a full circle of life and has left us, I write this piece in honor of him. Whatever anxiety I face today, I will overcome, because I know come from a bloodline of emotionally strong people. I come from a line of fighters and as long as I have breath in me I will fight until I succeed.
I love you Grampa. May your soul rest in peace.