I look to the Hills

Last night I had a dream and in the dream I was a kid again and I was struggling with the emotional torment of not feeling safe enough in my family space to be vulnerable and to to tell my father that I am struggling, so instead I acted tough and pretend to be strong and it looked like anger more than strength to me. After fighting with everyone around me and also fighting within myself, I made a quick decision, I changed my mind and ran into my fathers arms and held him so tightly and cried my eyes out. I felt safe again, I felt ok, I felt loved. I was not rejected anymore, and as my father held me in his arms and let me cry to my hearts content I felt the weight of the world lifting off my shoulders. I woke up with a smile on my face and I felt like a weight had really been lifted off my shoulders. It was the best feeling to wake up to, a feeling of peace and love.

Like the version of me in my dream, I struggle with vulnerability. I have made tremendous improvements now as an adult, but I resonate with the little girl in my dream so well. As I sit here and watch the sun rise, in awe of all its beauty, with a smile on my face, writing this expression of myself and sharing my vulnerability with all of you, on its own is a breakthrough for me. Thinking back to 2017 when I wrote my first blog post and the fear that went through my body before I hit send, always takes me back to that version of myself and helps me humble myself in gratitude for the accomplishments both great and small that have gotten me to where I am today. Today I write and click this post button without even the slightest hesitation, sometimes without even editing, I give you the raw and unedited version of myself, because I feel like that is who you deserve. Or else why am I even here on this platform sharing my life with you, if I’m going to pretend to be someone that I am not. I am just a person like you who makes mistakes and who falls , but every time I fall, I pick myself up , dust myself off and then try again.

I love that I had this dream, it makes me look to the version of me that was lost, that felt like I had nowhere to go, and that nobody loved me. A version of myself that didn’t even love herself. A broken version that has been slowly putting herself back together, looking for the glue in the form of mentors, and people who inspired me with their strength and their stories. If they could do it, surely I can. I never look back to to wallow anymore. I look back to remember how far I have come, I look back to remind myself when I am in a struggle that it will pass. I look back to remember the times I had with those that I have lost and I hold those memories close to my heart. In times of struggle I feed off the love that came from the past and I look towards the future, because the pain of now will pass. I don’t ignore the present don’t get me wrong, I live in the present , but I use my past smiles and I look to my future hopes and dreams to overcome any present challenges that I may be facing. The bigger picture , the unknown, the endless possibilities, that is what keeps me going, that is what pushes me to never stop working on my self development and improvement.

My dream has given me a new found strength, a strength that comes with understanding, that I am no longer that little girl that felt unsafe and that the world could be ripped from under her at any time. I am no longer that girl that needs people to feel safe. Now I am a woman, who has fought to overcome that battle, now I am a woman who looks to the hills for her light, for her safety, I look to the sky, I look at the trees, I look at life and most importantly I look within. For that Is where my safety lies, with the maker of all things, and with he that lives in me. I look to GOD for my strength and all his creations bring me the peace that I need to continue. He is my creator my father and my safety. This is what I choose, people are fickle, they cannot bring me these things, I have to find them within myself, through the breath of life that courses through me everyday, the source of that breath is my safety and my strength. No person can give me what they do not have, and that is the love that comes from within me.

I wish I had this sense of safety and security as a little girl. But it’s a wish that I know was not meant for me. Because without every difficulty that I faced, and every tear that I cried. I would not be the woman that you are faced with today, I would not be so full of fire inside. Fire to be the person that I needed growing up, fire to fill the void in others where I can. NO matter how little I have to offer, I will keep pushing myself to be the best I can be, so that those who need this version of me, no matter who they may be, gets to have just a little bit of their void filled knowing that they are not alone in this fight within themselves. Knowing that they can be safe again, knowing that vulnerability is not the enemy and that we cheat ourselves from so much by with holding who we truly are and how we truly feel.

Its an everyday battle, but everyday I fight. One insecurity at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time. I’m still working on my one on one vulnerability. Its a work in progress, and I know as long as I keep fighting the good fight within me to grow in love and light, this too I shall overcome, like everything else that had once held me back but no longer has the power to do so.

It’s a new day, Things are looking all shades of bright and beautiful through my bedroom window and I am so grateful that I get to be here, sharing myself with you and for the first time in a very long time smiling from within because I know a new day is here.

Love and Light

Tammy

PS. Don’t forget to pop down and have a listen to My Peeping Light Podcast.