I took some time off from Blogging and Podcasting. I think it’s important to know when to stop and rethink things instead of just blindly moving forward without any direction. Mental health is important, and so is self awareness. If you do something just for the sake of doing it and you are aware that you are not putting your best foot forward, I believe that you are selling yourself short and you should stop to take a look at your life and figure out why you are where you are. Know exactly where you are and then figure out the next step to take.

So here I am, refreshed and ready to give you my best. While on my break one of you lovely readers noticed my absence and asked why I haven’t been writing. I was honest and told you that I was not in a good space and I didn’t want to spread negative energy. Your opinion was that it would be good for me to write when I’m down too so that you can get to know me better. I feel that writing for others when you are in a bad space sends an unclear message, because my mind is not balanced and I would be sharing that energy. I prefer to resolve the problem within the quiet of my mind and the privacy of my journal and once I have overcome my obstacle, I am happy to share the experience with you from a positive light.

Something inside of me felt lost for a short while, I had strayed from my path and couldn’t find my way back. Mentally I felt overwhelmed and understandably so because life is overwhelming at the moment for the average person. So because I don’t smoke anymore, I’ve replaced the cigarette with cake and we all know what that means… 🤣 As I write this my mouth full of cake and I’m enjoying every bite. I know that comfort food won’t solve my mental state and I have to do the work required to overcome my current funk. I tend to practice what I preach and have begun the healing phase and will soon be ready to step out of the comfort bubble into the wild. I’ve retreated into my bubble of comfort and safety a few times this year because I have felt really vulnerable and needed to get my head together in order to live the life I truly believe that I deserve to live.

Lets talk about my triggers and why I am where I am. I have lost many people that are close to me and I have always had a thing about people leaving and never truly getting too close to anyone to avoid feeling any real pain when they decide to leave. This stemmed from childhood trauma, but lets not get into that. My trigger this time is having to face the death of people that I care about and love. Covid-19 has taken many people from me, and I have been coping as best I can, but what I’m struggling with is the unknown. Waiting for the worst to happen. My grandfather is going to be 94 years old and he is not in a good place anymore. His quality of life has deteriorated and when I saw him a few weeks back, something inside of me broke. I feel sadness for him because he is suffering, but I also know the hurt that will come to me and those left behind when he passes, it’s the anticipated pain that I know we will face on his departure from this world. He is tired, he is struggling and I know that he needs relief, but anticipating the death of a loved one, I feel, is far worse than not knowing. Anyway, to cut a long and soppy story short, I have been triggered. So now I ask all the questions…What am I doing with my life? Who am I? How am I going to be the best version of myself? How can I heal the broken parts of me that I don’t even know are broken? Why am I so afraid ? The questions are flying through my mind. The emotions are overwhelming, the uncertainty is killing me. I know that I am questioning myself? Am I doing the right things? Am I on the right path? Sometimes I think that I’m being delusional to assume someone like me has anything to offer, but then I’m reminded by you that I have so much to offer. That what I have to say is important to those that struggle like me, to those that doubt like me.

It’s important to remind those that need reminding that they are not alone. To remind myself that I am not alone and to remember that I write here because I truly believe that sharing myself with you can make a difference to someone. Even if it’s just 1 person, I need that person to know that the dark cloud that hovers over them will pass. It will move along and you will see the sunshine again. It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to fail, to be vulnerable, to need support, and to ask for help. It really is ok to not be ok. It’s ok to take some time off whatever it is that you are doing to stop, and breathe. Remember that NOBODY is perfect, even those that think they are perfect, have flaws too. So forgive yourself for making mistakes, I certainly have had to find forgiveness in my heart for so many mistakes that I have made this year, this month, this week, gosh even today. Today I made mistakes, and I just have to be kind to myself and remind myself that I have a lot going on and I am only 1 person. I can only do what I can do and everything else either has to wait or someone else will have to do it. I’m ok with sharing the load, I’m really not possessive over my load, I am happy to share. The issue is who to share it with? Everyone has so much going on? Everyone has something going on. I chose this life, funny enough. I chose to step away from people and reassess my life. I needed to, I don’t regret stepping away. I needed to clear my head, there was way too much going on and I needed to find some peace, and I did, I found peace. I took the time but then a month turned into a year and now I think I have turned into a hermit 🤣 A peaceful hermit, with a heavy load and too much for 1 person to handle. I think we find the value in our friendships and relationships when we remove them and see how much they actually contribute to our lives. We only really appreciate something in its absence… but wait, I still have friends, they are just out there waiting for me to be ready. Am I ready? Am I ready to be around people again?

I think that being alone for too long is not good for ones soul. My soul is definitely ready to bond with other souls again. Outside of my immediate family that is.

What’s the point of this post? What’s my message? Well… When life gets too loud, take the time to find some quiet, but don’t stay there for too long because your peace is not only found in the silence but also in the togetherness of the people around you that love you and care for you. So take some time off for quiet, but also take time off for laughter, love and togetherness. My grandfather is reaching the end of his life and my heart breaks for him, I wonder if he took enough time off in his life to balance the quiet with love, laughter and togetherness? I guess I’ll never know, but we can meet him where he is at and give him as much love laughter and togetherness that we possibly can now. While he is still here, even if he doesn’t know who we are most of the time. It doesn’t matter because we know who he is.

Live your life to the fullest. NOW is what matters. Not yesterday or tomorrow… NOW

Love and light

Tammy

P.S. Don’t forget to check out the podcast below and have a listen. 😁