As March ends I find myself reflecting on so many different things. One issue that sits with me though is that I have definately sacrificed alot of myself in my lifetime for the happiness of others.
This seems like a noble thing, but its actually not. When you live your life in fear of what others will say, do or think, it becomes a prison you create for yourself. Living to serve others is a completely different story. Service comes from a place of giving. What I’m referring to is not service but fear. Fear of losing a person so you act how they want you to act. Fear of dissapointing a person and so you do what they feel is best for you. Basically living your life how everyone else wants you to, instead of following you own path.
This has been the greatest lesson for me. I know it’s going to take a long time to change this behaviour completely. But once you are are fully aware of a negative thing that’s hurting you, it’s your responsibility to heal that hurt and close that wound and make your mind and your body a healthier place for you. Nobody else. People are always going to do what’s best for them, and when they want you to behave a certain way it’s because its convenient for them. It’s not because it is what is best for you.
I’m so saddened by this truth. I have spent my youth fearful of almost everything that would have been good for me. Only because the fears of others were projected onto me and I was not whole enough to see that this was happening. My brokennes has kept me captive. But now that I have seen, I cannot unsee, and now that I know what is best for me, it’s a forward march in the right direction.
I will not look back, unless it’s to remember who I am and how far I’ve come. Unless it’s to smile on the memories that are forever in my heart, unless it’s to learn from it and use that memory as a growing tool for now. Now is what matters, looking ahead and focusing on the life I am building now.
Whoever doesn’t like the choices I’ve made and the ones I will make in the future, they will have to deal with their feelings, because when the people around me made choices for themselves and for their own lives, I wasn’t even a thought, or a consideration. Don’t get me wrong, I am not becoming cruel and unkind, this isn’t in my nature. I am only raising the value of my own happiness and holding it in the highest of regards remembering that I am the author of my life and I choose which path I take. Every one can say what they need to say, if they feel they must and I will listen to them sincerely always, but ultimately guilt will no longer play a role in the choices I make for me.
It’s never to late to raise the bar, it’s never to late to turn your back on pain and focus on pleasure. It’s never to late to try something new. It’s never to late for life.
Love and light.