I hate failing, I really do! It makes me feel worthless, less than nothing. It burns so deep that I would rather not even try , if there was the slightest chance I could fail. This is the saddest realization one can have about themselves, andc it is mine. something inside of me has been tuned to say you cant, you wont , you are not good enough. That something of course has been the reactions of people to my past failures and the reaction to myself, the things I have said to myself all these years when I have failed at something. things like ” what were you thinking?” “who were you trying to fool, you could never do that”. The internal and sometimes external name calling ‘ idiot, stupid, dumb, pathetic, useless etc’ these were the words that I would say to myself inside and even more.
It took me some time to realise that I did this to myself, someone pointed it out to me, and it has taken very long to heal the damage that I have done with my harsh self talk. I haven’t reversed the damage though, because I still hate trying new things, the level of fear that builds up inside of me is on the level of sky diving, even if its just swinging a golf club at the driving range. Which I completely sucked at and then when i fought the internal battle, someone on the outside verbalised how bad I was and that was it. I just stopped. because that part of me came through, why are you doing this, who do you think you are playing golf, look at you making a fool of yourself. So I proceeded to watch instead of trying again…
This is where my biggest challenge lies, I am watching while the world plays, and I sit out because I haven’t felt good enough. But the truth is I deserve to play, just like any other person on this earth. We all deserve to play the game of life, but our circumstances have taught us otherwise. Our experiences have made us afraid, people have told us that we cant. I call bullshit. Its bullshit that we have allowed ourselves to believe that we are nothing and that we are not worthy. How can we let years of holding onto pain control us? This is not who we are as people? We are bigger than our pain, we are greater than our fears and we all deserve a chance to play this game of life… Dont let them tell you otherwise, dont tell yourself otherwise.
You are your own limitation, I am my own limitation… nobody is holding us back but our own fears, but we cannot find our courage if we do not face our fears… We have to feel fear, its human nature, but instead of running away lets fight for our dreams, for our desires, for our lives. We deserve to live the life we see for ourselves , so lets stop making excuses and instead of focusing on why we cannot and why we should not, lets focus on why we can, why we should.
Our dreams are not in anyone else’s hands but ourselves, our lives are our responsibility. Nobody is coming to save you, you have to be your own rescuer, you have to decide, you have to take action, you have to fight for your life, for the life you deserve to live.