The questions I’ve been asking myself today is why am I who I am? Who am I? Do I like who I am? Can I change who I am?
After some thought processing and reflection this is what I’ve come up with: I am who I am because of many different things. There is no one thing that creates me. I am kind hearted and loving because I know what it feels like to be hurt and rejected and I do my best to not bring about those things to other people, but I’m not perfect and sometimes I do lash out, yes. Simply because when I feel attacked the warrior in me comes out to defend myself. I also like really nice things, but I can live without them, its not a need its a want. I am fun and playful because there’s a part of me that will forever be a kid, and I am serious and stern because some things have to be taken seriously and corrected when necessary. I am not one ‘who’, but many …
For the longest time I hated myself. But I don’t anymore. I hated everything about me, because I told myself that I was not good enough, that I was weak and that I didn’t deserve what my heart desired. I felt like I did nothing right and that I was useless. I felt all these things because, well , people told me these things, and I believed them. Also because bad things happened to me and I felt like I deserved them, because I was being punished for being a bad girl…. depressing shit right? The truth is many of us are walking through life feeling this way about ourselves on the inside. We won’t ever admit it out loud, and we wont show it either. On the outside we have the brightest smiles and we wear the best of clothes to hide what we truly feel about ourselves inside. The good news is that it’s only permanent if we do nothing. It is what we decide it is, and if you decide enough of the bullshit and change what you think and feel about yourself then everything changes, not only around you, but also inside of you.
I could have chosen to keep the identity of Tammy, the angry girl, the rude child, the lazy person. I could have held onto the “wasted potential label” and continued on the path of doom and gloom that I once was on. But I chose differently. I chose to stop. I chose to believe in myself… Every now and then I have a dark phase and I fall into a small version of who I once was before, but I will never let that part of me take over again. It’s not who I want to be and not who I am anymore. I chose to change how I identify myself. I am not lazy, I am not weak … I am full of energy and strong. I am not a victim anymore I am not useless… I am a teacher of life and I am so useful to those that need me… You can ask them, they will tell you. I decided to take control of my life and push myself out of the darkness and depression that surrounded me. I sat up straight one day , took out a pen and paper and rewrote my story, over 10 years ago, I decided that no matter what I will change, and I have.
Looking back to who I was 10 years ago and who I am now? I am truly a different person, the way I speak is different, the way I think has changed, my career has changed, I know what my gifts are now, Im not afraid to say who I am and what I want and most importantly I value myself and my contribution to this world. It took lots of work for me to get to this place of peace, and Im still not where I aim to be, but the beauty of life is the journey and the memories I can make along the way.
Why am I writing this today? Well, because I feel like I need to share that its never impossible to make the choice to decide that you no longer want to serve the negative shit that you have been telling yourself all your life. YOU CAN DECIDE TO STOP. Only you can make that choice though, nobody can do it for you. You have to hate being miserable so much that you do everything to find happiness and joy. You have to have being a failure so much that you do everything in your power to find success. Success by the way, is not all about money. It’s about accomplishing anything you set to accomplish and achieving it. No matter how great or small, every success has value and is worthy of a celebration.
So this is for the people that read this and are struggling, in general. I know how tough it is to get out of your head and say enough, but you can, you just have to get angry enough, or tired of the shit enough to push yourself to do EVERYTHING that you can to make a shift. I did, and so can you! I’m still on my way to creating the identity that I want for myself, the person I want to be is the person that I work towards becoming everyday. I keep changing , because when I know better I want to do better. I don’t get a day off from pushing, from learning and from trying. It’s every day, I have to do better than I did yesterday, I have to continue pushing until I break the walls that I’ve built around myself. And when I fall, and find myself back on the ground, even if I stay there for a day or two, I find the strength to pick myself up and start over, but it’s never from scratch, it’s always from a better place, because you never lose the work that you put in and you will find that everytime you fall it will get easier each time to pick yourself up. Because the person that you become is stronger than you were before, resilient, and you will know that no matter what happens you are in control of your own life and your future is in your hands,
Most Importantly, I decide who I am, nobody else… My identity is not open for discussion, its simple. I am who I decide and choose to be, and you are who you decide and choose to be.
You are not stuck, change who you see yourself as and change your life.
Love and light.