Incomplete

I’ve left behind trail of incompleteness as I’ve walked through my life. I realise that it’s a reflection of how I feel about myself in the deepest corners of my being. As my healing process progresses, I realise that in order to rectify this reflection of myself in the world, I have to actually complete the things I want for myself. Starting is not good enough if I’m not going to see the project through… The funny thing is when I am given tasks at work I never stop until it’s resolved or completed. So why cant I give my personal goals the same respect that I give to tasks set out for me by other people?

I didn’t finish my degree because, well, teenage me had better things to do, I did try to pick it up again later on in life but the older me got lazy and made excuses. I blamed others for the longest time for this but in actual fact I was given every opportunity to study and have whatever degree I wanted. I didn’t though, instead I took the difficult path and chose to party and be irresponsible.

I have wanted to write a book for the longest time. I’ve started at least 3 times and never got to finishing, instead I make excuses for myself and internally feel that its useless. Why would I even do that? Recently * was asked to collaborate on a book totally out of my comfort zone and I may just do it. Venturing out of comfort and having someone to work with may just be the push I need to finish my own book.

Then there was the vision board workshops, and the motivational talks that I started and never followed through. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I was afraid to. Not because I couldn’t do it, but because I let fear talk me out of it. I had everything planned and even put together a program along with content. Yet still, it sits at the bottom of a cupboard, unused and dusty.

This is a reflection of the broken parts of my soul that I am yet to heal. The good thing is that once you know better you can do better and now that I know better I have to do better. One thing at a time. Starting with the small things that I need to finish in my home and working my way through each doorway that I’ve left open without completing the task assigned to me.

I cant run from myself forever. This mind of mine is here to stay and it cannot be quietened. I have to set it free or face myself 10 years from now filled with regret and a bigger hole to fill. I know I have the potential to see my dreams through. I also know that nobody else can do this for me, it has to come from me and be done by me. These are my personal dreams that I keep putting on hold out of the belief of unworthiness that hasn’t completely left me. My mind knows that I can do it, my heart wants to do it, but my soul is holding onto some pain that I have to release. It doesn’t matter who told me I cant, that I shouldn’t, or that Im not enough. That’s their opinion of me, and it’s time for me to let go of those negative narratives that have been keeping me hostage all this time.

It’s time to set my spirit free.

All my love,

Tammy

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