I want to be that person that keeps it real when I share my thoughts here. So I will… It’s been doom and gloom for me for a few days now. I don’t know what’s happened but it did, It feels like the part of me that keeps pushing through the negatives with a positive outlook just fell to pieces.
For a while now I’ve been fighting inner demons, in the form of hard choices and changes. I thought I was managing everything fine and working through each thing as it came; but apparently I wasn’t as successful as I thought. When darkness covers me I am so hard on myself and self blame comes into play. I blame myself for everything and I feel like the worst person in the world. I just want to be alone, but I also know being isolated in times of darkness is dangerous so I pushed myself to keep my routine. However I didn’t handle the people that were around me as I should have. I was cold and distant and snappy. I really felt like I should have just stayed home, but I also know that staying home would have done more damage to me than good.
I can’ t really pinpoint what my breaking point was, but grief was one of the triggers. Grieving not only people but situations and comfort. So much has changed in my life over the past couple of months. most of them challenging, They say if you don’t embrace the change happening around you then you become part of the problem. At the same time I find that the more I resist change the less happy I will be. But in my situation it didn’t just rain a few little changes, it poured crazy amounts of overbearing changes that have created a situation where I find myself overwhelmed.
Grief comes in many forms, anything lost goes through a process of grief; jobs lost, people lost, relationships lost and even financial changes that creates loss goes through a grieving process. Dealing with any one of these things can be difficult for most, but dealing with all of them at the same time can break a human spirit… and honestly… I think my spirit broke this weekend. It all just became too much and I crashed. The tears would not stop, for 3 days, It felt like I was leaking. My heart was tired, my heart is tired. I feel somewhat better today. because I made the choice not to keep it all to myself and didn’t let everything fall to shit. In the middle of the tears I reached out to the people that could relate to my situation and just let them know that I’m not ok. This is what made the difference. The fact that in the darkness, there are people that are willing to take the time to just be there, offering nothing but understanding and support. Ultimately it’s up to me to push through this, nobody can do it for me. But knowing that I can lean on a support structure when my balance is off makes the journey through hell that much more bearable.
I still have to make the journey, and I still have to heal whats broken,
But…As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your Rod and your Staff, they comfort me.
My creator will always give me the tools I need to find my way back to my path when I stray. I have no doubt that I will find my light once again, it may take some time, but I will be ok in the end.
This too shall pass.
Love and light