Even the most put together people fall apart sometimes, the most successful ones too. I do not pretend to be anything that I am not, and I most certainly am not perfect. I am a firm believer in going through the process and being true to your feelings even if that means completely falling apart.
August 2020 was a tough month for me, I was faced with challenges within myself that pushed me to a new limit, it’s been a long while since I’ve been through something as big as this. Big for me, because I had to face one of the deepest darkest corners of myself and for my longest dark period in many years it has taken me 4 weeks to finally come back to myself.
I have found something in me that I hadn’t known before, I have found a new level of peace and understanding that only can be reached by allowing deep pain to ACTUALLY heal. My friend has been telling me that she feels deep down I don’t believe I deserve true happiness. And I always respond with ” what are you on about im so happy?” because I genuinely was so happy, within myself… until my boundaries were pushed and I was faced with something I never thought I would need to face. ACTUALLY ALLOWING SOMEONE INTO MY INTIMATE, INTIMATE SPACE. THAT PLACE WHERE NO ONE HAS GONE BEFORE, THAT PLACE I KEPT FROM EVERYONE BECAUSE IT WAS NOT SAFE TO LET ANYONE IN THAT DOOR…
Now, intimate space is a space of complete trust, complete vulnerability and you really basically let someone into the door that for me has never ever been opened. As you all know my life has not been a walk in the park, and of course due to this walls are put up and defensive mechanisms are developed. I have been working on my healing process for many years now and have come a very long way. I am proud of where I am and the work that I have put into my healing.
Then this happens, this person that I trust completely with my life until the relationship got to a point of me and that door, that big red door that needed to be opened, I panicked and ran for the hills. Okay to put this into perspective, when I panic I react, badly. I say things I shouldn’t say, I do things I wouldn’t normally do and basically I became my broken 21 year old self ALL over again in just one blink. I lost myself in fear, I lost myself in panic and everything fell to pieces. I fell to pieces. I even started smoking again. Yes 3.5 years of good behaviour went down the drain all because I panicked.
Funny thing though when you reach the darkest pit of your soul you have a choice to make. Basically you can sit there and self destruct completely or you can have a look around and deal with whatever demons lie there, beat the crap outta them and then re emerge to your light. This comes in stages, the emerging, because the darkness does not easily let go of your soul, it wants to keep you there. It’s a fight that only can be won if you use all your strength and you look to more than just yourself to win the battle. Negative energy lurks around everywhere and it just wants to suck you in, you have to find the positive energies around you and ask them to help. I am blessed with an amazing support structure, that through thick and thin fight my battles with me. If it wasn’t for the words of encouragement, the pushes and the greater understanding from my support system, I would not have won this battle. But I have to say that my connection to God is what what really saved me. My understanding of God, and my ability to look to him when things are not of this human world. My fight was a spiritual one and there is no greater warrior to fight spiritual battles than your creator. I believe that I am protected and that I am alive today because I am protected. I believe that the power of the universe lies in all of us, the power of creation, the energy that links us all together and that we live as one in spirit.
I haven’t really been writing because, well, I’ve been at war with so many things and I’m ready to share with you now, well because my war is over. I have come out on top with the realisation of a lifetime.
Being told that “you think you clever , I’ll show you whos clever” for most of my youth had grown roots in me, it something that was said to me in past relationships, frienships and just in general. It was a tit for tat lifestyle, if you do something wrong I’ll show you I can do better. I developed a belief system that if I make a mistake the people closest to me are going to do something to punish me, and so before I can feel pain, I create a situation where I can control the pain and I am the one doing the damage instead. I didn’t realise this until just yesterday. I had a dream and the realisation in this dream showed me that I am carrying this inside of me and that is why I attack when I make mistakes. This lightbulb moment came just in time for me to realise a wrong that I was doing. A wrong that I created, a molehill that I have turned into a mountain.
Once the light went on in my mind and I saw the root of my problem, everything lifted. I knew that this was fixable, I was fixable and that was my final step out of my darkness. When I took hold of who I am now and pulled myself out of the mindset of who I used to be. I choose my path, I choose light. I’m glad this happened, I may have lost a close relationship along the way, but I found a new level of understanding myself and growing myself. I have pushed past a barrier that I didn’t even see, I didn’t know it existed and the lesson learnt is so valuable to me. Now I can continue to focus on healing and breaking a pattern that is trying to keep it’s home inside of me. The good thing is , once I know it’s there, I’m doing everything in my power to change the belief system and flush old negative beliefs out. Yes it takes time and work, but this is what I’ve been doing for the last 15 years, identifying what need to be rectified, building myself up, picking myself up everytime I fall and peeling myself off the floor even when things are tough. The greatest reward is when you reach the top again and you look down and see everything that you have accomplished, every battle that you’ve won and you can celebrate another victory.
Every battle comes with a lesson, you will continue to fight the battles in your mind until you finally learn the lesson. My lightbulb moment came exactly at the moment I needed it because I was ready to give up, but then God, as usual, was just on time.
I am blessed and humbled to be myself again. I am grateful to be out of this dark space and I will continue to push myself through each barrier that still lives in me, each belief system that surfaces, because you can only heal a wound that you know is there.