I used to believe that outer appearances are so important, and to some they are… but, when what you look like on the outside becomes more important than who you are on the inside then you have some major inner confidence issues that you may want to address.
When I was younger I used to hide my body in boy like clothing because I didn’t want men to touch me because of my bad experiences with them. As I grew older I began to embrace my body and as a woman I started showing it off alot more, but this confidence was external and not internal. Internally I was afraid of myself, I was afraid of failure, I was afraid of actually dealing with my dark spaces. I leaned on my boyfriend at the time to be my pillar of strength because I wasn’t strong enough inside to deal with my own insecurities. I hid behind my quick tongue and my ability to manipulate certain things to go my way.
Fast forward to motherhood after having a six pack and then having to deal with a mom bod, every single insecurity came back again. Why? because I hadn’t dealt with anything, I just tried to sweep all my feelings into a corner and pretend all was well. I hid my tummy and just moved along. This affected my relationships, or my ability to maintain relationships because I was in an unhealthy space and my inner confidence lacked tremendously.
Fast forward to today. I do not have a six pack, but I love my body. It’s not rock solid like it used to be but I’m working on getting it to where I want it to be. I’ve spent the last 5 years working on my self, my inner self, the self that was so badly neglected and left to rot in a dark corner. I brought her out and exposed her to myself and dealt with the pain that she came with. Here’s the thing, it’s not easy to do this, in fact it seems almost impossible, especially in those times when you are completely out of your comfort zone. Even now after years of healing and work I find myself peeling off layers of discomfort that present themselves to me. Recently I was challenged with a test of confidence, inner confidence and I failed hopelessly, but my failure took me to a level of growth that I would have never experienced if i didn’t fail. Now I know that no matter the outcome of any situation, my ship cannot sail without me. I know that my blessings are for me and if it goes to someone else then it was never my blessing to begin with. I used to beat myself up for failing before, I used to go into a closed up hole and stay there ashamed to show my face. Not anymore, now I have learnt that not everything that fails is a failure, not everyone that leaves is meant to stay.
I truly believe that inner confidence comes from the ability to see yourself as you are, cracks and all and still love yourself anyway. This is when you can truly open your heart to those that deserve your open heart. This is when you can recognise who deserves your open heart, and this is when you can truly be free. When you have the ability to keep your heart open even when everything inside you from your past is screaming for you to close it because that part of me does not want to be vulnerable. That is when you know you have succeeded. Knowing that there are people that will hurt you on purpose and being open anyway because you will heal from that, there are people who will hurt you without intending to, you will heal from that too, then there are people who will never want to see you hurt and will catch you every time you fall… these are the people we want in our intimate space. These are the people that love you without condition, these are the people that your inner confidence and self value will attract into your space. When you find yourself surrounded by love and people who are there to catch you when you fall… then you know you have been making the right choices.
My confidence has grown so much because of these people and now I can truly say that I love me as I am. My health is important to me and I will continuously strive to be the best version of me I can be. I love all my quirks and imperfections, they make me, me. Lets just say … I’m bringing sexy back… at 40 🙂 Time to put the past in the past and look ahead. So much excitement!