Until now this has been something that I’ve randomly said when things go from bad to worse. I realise though how negative this can be for me because I’m allowing myself to believe that if it rains it will start pouring. I have been welcoming the pouring of negative emotions into my space and I was made to stop and think about what this statement actually means and the consequences of saying it so easily all the time.
My women’s month started off amazing, but as the first week passed by, challenge after challenge has crept into my space. Initially I was genuinely surprised that this was happening to me especially after all the work I have put into stabilizing myself and my life, but I realise now that no matter how much work you put in you have to brace yourself for challenges all the time. When faced with my first challenge I made the statement “when it rains it pours” and almost instantly it began to pour. I was faced with so many negative situations all at once that I had an emotional breakdown and took it out on the one person that most definitely did not deserve it. I’m truly grateful that the relationship is stronger than I imagined and working things out was a possibility because that saying “you take things out on the people closest to you is really true” but at the same time the people closest to us deserve to be treated with love and respect and not baggered with our negative emotions all the time.
I have a fear of losing people so have developed a protective mechanism of keeping them at arms length instead of having to deal with losing them. Don’t get me wrong I allow people into my personal space, but I keep them out of my intimate space. They know me but they don’t know ALL of me. The truth be told is we are all just a result of whatever our messy past has created in us. Some manage to heal and others don’t. I am lucky to have managed to heal a whole lot. But in the same breath have so much to still overcome and intimacy is one of them. Vulnerability is scary to me because it gives the person you allow in to see everything, every weakness every flaw and you just hope that they will love you anyway. Letting your walls down are so important if you expect to live a healthy life with the people you trust. But letting your walls down also opens up pandora’s box when it applies to me because I have not let them down completely in way too long and I don’t even think I know whats really lurking behind them.
I’m trying this trust thing out, I’m starting with trusting myself to make the right choices for myself and those that I love, along with my instincts. I am trusting myself enough to let SOME people in. Here’s the problem, as soon as I smell danger my default is for the walls to go back up because I’m absolutely terrified that this time I wont be able to pick up the pieces. I tried to put my wall back up this past weekend and failed hopelessly. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that there are actual people that are not out in this world to break your spirit and crush your soul… Who knew? In my experience as soon as you let them see you, it becomes a tool to manipulate you into being who they want you to be. My experience was completely warped by a broken community that had completely messed me up and a broken mind that had never really experienced true stability because of all the trauma I had to endure while developing myself as a person.
Now I find myself in a situation where I have to keep working on the foundation I see in my future, starting afresh and not looking to the past as a reference to what I see for my future. In the past I used control as a safety net and at this moment I realise that I can only really control my choices and how I react to certain situations. I do not pretend to be somebody I am not, I prefer to be proud of who I am and how far I have come even though I have a really long way to go.
My current struggle is self sabotage, I see something is good and it scares me, so without even thinking I go into this defensive sabotaging mode. I feel myself doing this now, I’m obsessing over the nitty gritty, I’m creating scenarios in my head that are just not true and I’m slowly taking away the joy that this situation brings me. Then I panic because I realise what I am doing and try my best to put together everything that’s broken and normally by this time its too late and I cannot repair the situation. I seem to overwhelm myself with emotion and at the same time I forget that I am overwhelming those around me as well which damages relationships and pushes people away.
I’m telling you about this because I know that I am not the only person that experiences these issues and I want the world to know that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HEAL IF YOU JUST ACCEPT YOURSELF AS YOU ARE AND DO THE WORK THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE IN ORDER TO HEAL.
Nobody is perfect, everybody is fighting their own battles inside of themselves. Whats important though is that while we fight our negative battle that we find the positive in them too, that we celebrate each achievement no matter how small and that we allow ourselves the room to feel pain when we need to and then allow ourselves to heal.
The choice is ALWAYS yours to make, nobody can take away your free will. I love sharing myself with you because it allows me to not only be open about the actual struggles we encounter on a daily basis, but it allows me to see how far I have come even when life gets me down. This is my happy place, when I’m here, sharing myself with you and making the most of every situation whether good or bad is when I am happiest. When you send me messages of inspiration and tell me that my time here has helped you it keeps me pushing through.
Even though the challenges are many for me at the moment, so are my blessings and you are all a blessing to me because it is you that keeps me motivated to be my best and to share myself. Every person counts, every feeling counts and most importantly every story counts. This women’s month I am sharing stories about the struggles of women in the world, but today I am sharing my story, my feelings and my struggles.
I can only hope that I inspire someone today to push through and even though times seem impossible, if I can just remind them that this too shall pass.
I am so grateful to each and every one of you who support me in my journey of living, loving and helping where I can.
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