I thought everything was good; that I was doing all the right things, making all the right choices and finding all the proper connections that I needed in life. Truthfully life is so much better now than it has been in a very long time, because I have made so many improvements and adjustments, but when it comes to those deeply rooted changes, the ones that shift you in your core and bring out every vulnerability you harbored in those dark corners of your soul and hoped that they will just disappear on their own … Yesterday I was reminded that they wont. They stay there until you face them, and now my biggest one seems to have resurfaced and I have to face her, because she is me…

I learnt that sometimes we think we are connected properly to life, love and people but there are breaks in those connections that can create misunderstandings and miscommunication. When you dance with someone the most important part is connection, if you can allow yourself that moment of vulnerability, maintaining a point of connection through the dance, then there’s going to be a beautiful and mind-blowing experience shared because you chose trust and opened yourself to allow a flow of energy from one person the the other… on the other hand, a break in connection will create uncertainty in which direction to go and how your partner needs you to move. As a ‘follow’ in the dance world you have to keep ‘looking’ for him and as a lead you he needs to connect with you properly in order to guide you to create a perfect flow of harmonious movements and dance to the rhythm of the music. Much like life, when choosing people to be in your personal space, you have to allow yourself to fully connect with those people. You have to open yourself up in a way that makes you vulnerable and let them see you with all your flaws and trust that the right people will accept you as you are and look to lead you or guide you to dance in the music of life anyway.

Any relationship requires communication and acceptance, starting with the relationship you have with yourself. There is so much about myself that I try to hide, how can I truly be free until these things no longer control me. I have kept myself so far away from the closeness of people for so very long that my brain completely loses it when someone actually manages to find their way into my heart. How did they get here, what magic is this? But here’s the truth, those bonds that form without you even realizing it are the ones that are very difficult to break. These are ones that are not forced, and so are real and true. Sometimes it’s difficult to belief that even after so much pain that connections like this, that are so real, so raw and so pure actually can still exist. When holding back is not necessary because you know that the person on the other end has got you.

I always speak of love in all of its forms; family love, friendship, nature and romantic love. Connections come in different forms, but nothing is set in stone. I always teach my daughter that nothing in life stays the same, everything is constantly changing, whether we want it to or not. People change every day, with every new piece of information we change. Relationships too, they change every day with every interaction, with every moment you share or with every encounter, that relationship will change for the better or the worst. The world is in a constant state of change, no matter how small the change may be and whether you can see it or not is irrelevant because it is happening whether you want it to or not. The secret is this: the more you resist the change happening around you, the harder accepting them and maintaining true happiness will be for you. Happiness and true happiness are different, you can be happy on a surface level and keep people at a distance, not allowing anyone in. However, when you have people that have your best interests at heart and those people have managed to make way into the deepest corners of your heart and your life why would you want to resist it? Why would you choose to resist it? I’ll tell you why…It’s because trusting someone with all your vulnerabilities is scary and it means you give them full access to you which means they can hurt you deeply and hurt people avoid that at all cost. But here’s the thing, if you don’t give complete access to those that you find real connection with, then that connection will die and you will never really experience true happiness because relationships only flow easily when openness is the foundation, and once the door of transparency closes that connection will die too and the relationship will die along with it.

So when you find someone that sees you for you, and accepts you for you, that loves you for you without giving that person or connection labels, why not just allow yourself to be vulnerable and keep looking for that point of connection that keeps you moving in complete harmony with each other so that when its needed you are able to follow a good lead and dance through life together instead of just on your own. Yes dancing alone is fun, but once you find true connection, with someone that has got you and you can trust that connection, dancing alone will fall into second place because alone you only have your voice and you can only correct the flaws that you see, but with others in your life you can get a perspective that you would never have seen on your own and you will learn life lessons that you could never have taught yourself. So when that change happens, a good change, a positive change and you find your life intertwined in relationships that no matter what happens in the future you can look back and say that it was worth every single moment, because you danced a real, raw and truthful dance and even if it has to end, the love that you felt never really ends, the joy that you gained never actually leaves you and the memories that you share will always carry you into the future. I know this because when I lost my person, the pain was so deep that I never thought I would trust anyone with myself ever again. But even though she is gone her love is still with me, now more than ever, because I carry her in these new connections. I feel her smiling when I make better choices and I feel her frowning when I make bad choices. I carry her in my heart when I see how I’ve opened myself to new connections, new people, new friendships, and new relationships. It’s just about finding someone who gets you, accepts you and loves you unconditionally, because that’s what love is, unconditional. To love someone without limiting them to conditions, as they are, allows you to truly love yourself as you are without placing limitations on who you are too. That way if you begin to walk a different path to me, we will still walk in love even if we choose separate lives.

Intimate relationships/ friendships are only viable if you completely trust the connection. Which is why we have to be picky with who we choose to share our intimate space. I have been blessed and I am truly grateful for my people, the ones who know that we are in it for the long run. Those that have been playing this game of life with me since childhood and the new ones that have crept into my heart without even trying to, I blinked and there you were. You are my people and you add so much value to my life, all of you. I will hold you in my heart forever, no matter your choices.

Live your life with people that are true not only to themselves but to the connection they have with you as well.

I love you all, thank you for sharing this journey of growth and understanding with me and for reading the words of my heart with kindness and love.

Tammy