My life has been so busy lately. Everything is a rush, shopping is a rush, even being in the outdoors is a rush. We can’t for a moment forget that there is danger lurking and it can attack from any moment. I get it, I do, but just because I understand, doesn’t make it less worrisome. People are not living, they are just rushing. I work more now from home than I did when I was in the office, because from home any hour seems like a good hour to get something done.

I am afraid for humanity. I’m afraid that we are going to develop this habit of rushing, even when the virus has been contained and is no longer a threat, by then it may become a lifestyle. It took me some time to stop and realize that this is still my life and even though there are restrictions I can still try to live it the best way I can. I fight the darkness in my mind often, because before people were the thing that kept me in check and every time I needed a dose of love or a hug, it was easy to receive. Now that hugs are scarce and love is via video calls, I’m struggling to find a balance between light and dark.

Slowly I am learning to try and normalize my life as much as I can, within the boundaries of safety and respect for others under this new way we live. I have noticed that I have pulled away from people. Not all people , but most people. Not because I don’t love them, or because I don’t care, but because I don’t have as much light to give as I did when things were less complicated. One thing I don’t share is darkness, because shared darkness spreads, and I believe in fighting for light and nurturing what I have until there is enough to share again.

If it wasn’t for those pushing me to do more, to exercise and to try, even though its tough. I would probably be a hot mess, because being human comes with flaws and none of us are perfect. I am grateful to have the friendships that I have in my intimate space. Yes I said intimate space, that space where I can be myself completely and trust that I am enough, even with my flaws. I’m generally a force to reckon with, but even then I need to have backup. We are definitely stronger together than we are alone and I see this now that my challenge is just making it through today without completely derailing and to try to stop at least once and admire the beauty that still surrounds me even in the middle of chaos.

I have to realize that this is still my life, and rushing through won’t change anything. Being careful doesn’t equate to losing hope and bypassing beauty because of fear.

It’s the first day of July and I am dedicating this month to stopping and remembering what’s important. I want to embrace the now and use this time to improve myself instead of destroying myself. I have to stop and remember that this too shall pass, but in the meantime love will be my comfort and my strength, love in all its forms, but only if I let it in. Not even love can get on a moving train, so in order for my kid to be loved properly, I have to stop, and the same goes for my closest friends and family. I have to stop and let them in and so do you. Or this is going to be a very lonely ride!

I love you all and I’m so grateful that you share this journey with me.

Please stay safe and take care of yourselves and your loved ones.

Tammy