I’ve let go of alot of things that were bad for me and it hasn’t been an easy process. In fact, they creep up every now and again to test my strength. I used to dwell on the fact that so many bad things have happened to me and my line used to be “you name it, its happened to me”. It takes years to undo that negative attachment that I used to claim as my story. Yes all the things that I referred to actually did happen to me, yes people are mean and cruel and they take advantage of other people every chance they get, but that does not mean I am defined by their actions. I held onto my pain for the longest time because I was so comfortable in that pain, until I learned to let go of it and see that outside of the pain was so much more.
I gave up my dream of love and happiness because my example of what that looked like was more pain and suffering, and so I chose the route where games and pretending took me on a roller coaster ride of all types of torture. Until someone that saw through my facade called me out. They let me run wild and led by example and chose love and kindness as the route to getting through to me. When someone loves and respects themselves unconditionally in front of you as you continuously choose destruction they plant a seed in your mind. Or at least they did in mine. When you are drowning in the depths of pain you don’t see that there is more, you only see what you are drowning in, until someone throws you a lifeline that you can choose to grab a hold of or just ignore. I had ignored so many life lines that were thrown at me. I had always chosen the hard way, until I finally stopped; and that seed that was planted and nourished before, grew and grew. Without even realizing it I found myself making better choices and seeing how much more there is to life. The problem is, that not everybody gets thrown a life line. I was blessed with people that surrounded me with love even in the midst of my darkness. There were people that saw the light in me when I didn’t want to believe it was there. People that saw more, when I saw nothing.
Why am I writing about this you ask? Well, its because what I have now only manifested once I saw it, even the smallest thing, the smallest steps that I took, only came to be once I envisioned them and then believed that I deserved them. I can see now that every little positive seed that all those people planted in my mind and nurtured in their own unique ways brought me to this place of more. Where I see a future for myself full of everything that I once believed was only for everyone else, now more than ever, even though onlookers will always have their negative things to say, I will always have this belief in the depths of my soul that I am enough and I deserve more. A more that I can only have if I continue to be this person that I am growing into. Every day I am more, every day I grow, everyday I am new. I see the clean slate that I am given with each sunrise, I see the opportunity to do more every day. I see that every single thing that has happened and every single person that I have encountered both positive and negative have contributed to my more and without them I would not be where I am today. Because of you, I have found more of me and I cannot fault you for that. I can only thank you for teaching me, showing me and molding me into this version of myself. A me that I am so proud of now, even in my darker days, a me that I don’t care to hide anymore. A battle that I am going to win, is the battle between who I am and who they want me to be. A battle that can only be won if I turn to the very breath that I breathe, and the very source of my life and my existence.
When I close my eyes I see the light of my being, shining in the distance, and I envision myself swimming towards my light, running towards my light, dancing towards my light, walking and just enjoying my light. Sometimes I just stand there and bask in the warmth of it all; my life and my light. Nothing can take that away from me, because fast forward to now, my roots run deep and my heart is connected to the rhythm that I choose for myself. So even if I seem to stumble, and I will stumble, and even when I fall, it doesn’t matter, because I will get up every single time and try and try again. I will fight for more, I will keep dancing to the rhythm of my own life and I know that if I keep doing this I will never be alone, because those that dance with me are here because our rhythms are aligned and we truly find what we need in each other, even if it just for that moment or that song. What I found is that while we are dancing to our individual beats and sync into each others lives, we find true harmony accepting each other for what we are and appreciating the the synchronicity of our rhythms combining, even if it’s just for a moment, it doesn’t matter because when its real, it’s never wasted and you can find your more in that moment and you never know if that is the moment that will lead to a lifetime.
Look for more.