I promised myself that if I’m going to do this it’s always going to be an authentic journey both for me and for those who choose to read my posts. Sometimes I stare at a blank screen and have no idea what I want to share with you and sometimes my energy and words flow freely and nothing can stop the words from pouring out of me.
It has me thinking about the things that cause blocks in my productivity and my inspiration. When my mind is blocked the words don’t flow and sometimes what I write just feels wrong so instead I choose not to post anything until my energy is up again. While looking into what causes me to blank out I realized that energy is the greatest factor. Next to my lack of energy is fear. The fear that creeps up in me stems from the past, and the little voice in my head tells me so many negative things that I know are not true but something in me seems to hold onto these past feelings. Feelings of not being good enough, feelings of insecurity, ‘what will the neighbors say’ was the biggest thing that got drummed into my head. I never want to disappoint my family, nobody does really, but I realize, that as I venture into my purpose using my gifts, that pleasing my family or my friends becomes less of a priority. the priority is being an authentic person, staying true to my calling, my purpose and my journey. Understanding that people will always have something to say and that no matter what, I have to push through to continue building myself and my strengths in order to persevere.
As I continue with my journey and heal my wounds one day at a time, I realize that not everybody that I once called friend will stay with me on this journey, and that is OK. I realize that even when I lose the most precious things to me, that I’m never left with nothing and what I have left will always be the tools I can use for my new ending. I realize that I may not be able to change the beginning of my story, nobody can change the past. It is set in stone, it will never change. However I can change my future, my now, my new choices. Yes, there will be people holding me to a standard that I once was held to, but those people will have to understand that who I am now is not I was 10 years ago. They will have to let go of their requirements of me and realize that I have my own requirements and standards now that are no longer in alignment with what they once knew.
One of my blocks is the guilt of letting go. Letting go of relationships that no longer have a positive impact on my life. Understanding that change is not supposed to be an easy process and that the discomfort I feel when making transformations is necessary for me to grow. I have to allow myself to say goodbye to my past and leave its darkness behind and instead choose to find the light and the lessons in the pain that I had to endure.
So when I find myself staring at a blank screen I have to remember not to limit myself to what I think you want to read but instead share the truth as it stands for what I want to share. My truth may not be what some want to hear, but as long as it helps those that need to hear it in order to grow,to learn and to realize that they are not alone, I will continue to share myself as best as I can with those who need me to. I will continue to stare at the blank screen until the words come flowing out and I will continue to serve you with honesty and realness, with authentic versions of my truth as long as you need me to.
Thank you for sharing your love and your light with me.