When I look around I notice how things have changed for me. The world hasn’t changed much, it’s still the same place it was back in the day, but I have changed. My life has changed, my mind has changed. I am no longer that person that I was back then. My default is no longer anger and pain, there are alot more smiles and I’m genuinely at a place of peace. Every now and then I’m reminded that I am still a work in progress, and not to get too confident in this new place of peace, because deep down I am still processing through the pain of the past and layer by layer I tackle each item as my mind is able to unfold them.
I realise that the difference between inner confidence and outer confidence shows only when you allow people into your intimate space. From the outside looking in people will see a strong and confident woman when they see me. They will not see the inner flaws that I battle with on a daily basis, because it’s not for them to see. I think part of the reason I havent settled down as yet is because I haven’t trusted anyone enough to let them in. I mean I can let you in the door, sure and show you around the living room of my life, I can even let you in my bedroom and show you some intimate parts of who I actually am. But will I let you read my diary? Are you worthy of best friend material? Can I trust you with the most delicate and intimate details of myself and also trust that you wont use this to hurt me one day? This is the risk I hadn’t been able to take since I was 25 years old.
You see I did it once, the love thing, the 7 year relationship that moulded me for the longest time. In fact I spent my best years loving someone, who in the end made the choice to not be loyal and to live a double life. I dwelled on this for so long that it started to turn me into a cold, disconnected person. In turn took me down a path of destructive encounters, I can’t say relationships, because can you even call it a relationship when you didn’t let them into those parts of you that requires openness an connection in order to be in an actual reltionship? So the ‘encounters’ I had were pretty destructive, and the one ‘encounter’ that I actually felt could have been more, turned out to be the perfect one for me to sabotage because my fear of closeness and of actually being loved was just greater than my desire for it.
When you are so afraid of pain, that you harden yourself to feeling intimacy and you steal from yourself huge pieces of life that you could have lived, but instead chose to hide in the comfort of your distance to others. It’s easy to avoid love connections when you have a solid friendship base and you are busy raising a little human. It never really gets to the point of lonliness until that solid friendship foundation is ripped from under you. It’s been just over 5 years now that I lost my friend to a car accident, and until she was gone I didn’t really understand the need to want to share my life with someone in the form of a partner because I shared my life with her. For as long as I can go back all my memories or most of them had her with me. We did most things together and when her time here was over, I had this missing piece that I know I can never replace. But realised it’s the trust that I lost, the closeness, the ability to bare my soul and still be loved through my imperfections. I realise that she filled the gap. When I lost my trust in romantic relationships, she filled that gap through a close friendship. So even though I was unable to trust in romance, I was never alone, ever.
Her leaving the world has forced me to face my fears and to actually allow people in, and I have. I have found peace with myself and who I am and I am no longer holding the world at an arms length. I have had to learn to love myself enough to let people love me. Do you know how tough that is for a guarded person? To break down the walls of the past is a process, that I would go through over and over again to get to this point of peace and love within myself. The turmoil one feels with being guarded is painful and can be lonely, not to mention alot of work because you find yourself doing everything on your own. Not allowing others to help, goodness what a tiring way to live! I’m grateful to have this new perspective, one that allows others in, one that understands that imperfections come with being human, but your tribe will embrace you as you are and those imperfections become the thing that makes you perfect to them.
Find your tribe, open yourself to love, open yourself to happiness, open yourself to peace and live your life free from the chains of your past.