It’s been so long since I’ve actually dated that I don’t think I remember how anymore. I’ve run out of excuses now and realise that fear of sharing me intimately with another is not going to overcome itself, I have to actually try. Also by intimately I don’t mean sex, to those who define intimacy as a physical characteristic. Also; I’ve done the “be alone” work in 2018 when I took time from dating (so yes I took time off to be alone on purpose), then in 2019 I dipped my toe into a little situation that ended up opening Pandora’s box in the form of every insecurity and fear that I had hidden inside of me and forced me to face them ALL at once. It was an internal storm that I needed to experience to resolve so many issues I had developed over the years of my life. I think it closed me off even more to the possibility of intimacy for a very long time, but opened my eyes to the many things I have yet to heal and have already healed in myself. I realised that all these disasters have nothing to do with anyone else and everything to do with where I am in my life and what I am allowing in my space!
So this post is about healing and overcoming brokenness as you have possibly realised by now. It’s inevitable that your heart will break at some point in your life, even if you found the one at 12 and married him and lived happily ever after. Life still happens and hearts still break. So if you are that person that have their happily ever after, I send love and light into your life for the rest of your days.
Now let’s move onto the rest of us, the ones that tried and failed. the ones that failed even before they could try and the ones that didn’t even know how to try and ended up broken and alone.
Can I begin by acknowledging that you are whole! Even alone, you are whole. Whether you have been broken down, trampled on, abused, rejected, neglected or even thrown away; you are still whole! The emptiness you feel inside is not because you need another half, it’s because you have some darkness that has cast a shadow over your light. Yes, you thought he loved you and you glowed with everything from within because you felt like HE was your everything, so you gave him all of your power… now he is gone and it seems like he has taken a part of you with him, right? WRONG… All of you is still with you! No matter how much pain you are in, you are still in one piece, you have just momentarily allowed another to cast their shadow over you but if you just take a few steps forward, away from his or her darkness into your own light you will see that he/she hasn’t taken a single thing from you, but instead has given you the freedom to find your light again… it may take a while, I agree this is not a fairy tale where everything falls in your lap. No, you have to cry the tears , feel the pain, acknowledge the hurt, understand that it was never about you, people do what they do because of their own desires, so you have to let the guilt of what you could have done go and you have to ask yourself what can you do now to heal and improve your life and make better choices. Let the crazy out if you have to, don’t hold back your emotions because you think you might offend somebody. Sometimes releasing all the frustration you feel inside is key to your healing process. Every situation is different, every person is different, nobody heals the same way, but you have to find a way! The freedom of healing after brokenness is like standing on a mountain top with your arms open wide and taking a deep breath, with the wind blowing through your hair and the clouds around you as you look down on the world and just exhale allowing peace to overcome your mind, body and soul.
Overcoming emotional pain is one the most difficult things you will have to encounter, but overcome it you certainly can. Can we please clarify though, that overcoming does not mean sweep under a carpet and pretend it didn’t happen, because it did happen and you have an obligation to yourself to acknowledge that it happened and to face the pain. Give it a stern look in the eye (or in the mirror because you are talking to yourself here) and tell it that your light will overcome this darkness, no matter how long it takes! Stare it right in the eye and declare victory over it before it gets a chance to sink its teeth into your soul and seep its darkness into you. If it’s already taken a chunk or 2 and you feel like you are half a person remind yourself that you are created to heal, if you are not dead you are capable of healing and no amount of pain or trauma can defeat you once you declare victory over it… There are people with no legs and no arms that have declared victory over their lives and are winning! Here you are, all of your limbs, all of your senses and losing a battle that others are fighting with not even 1/4 of what you have! You have to pick your head up, you have to stare that shit right in the face and you have to tell it that the ride is over, it’s time to get off the bus and walk yourself to safety, to love, to light.
I write these words because I lived them, more than once. I write these words because I too at some point felt that giving up was an option until I realised that it wasn’t. It’s taken me over 10 years to unravel the pain and suffering in my heart caused by the turmoil of what was meant to be love. It’s taken me even longer to heal from the pain of another’s actions violating my body and then leaving me to face the world in shame. I write these words and tears fill my eyes because I know the sharpness and the depth of pain that we have had to face or will have to face in the future, and I feel with you the suffering of a broken spirit. I know the fight you will have to fight, the wars you will face within yourself. I also know that you can do this! You have to find the glimmer of light that nobody can extinguish but your maker, you have to look inside yourself until you find it! Then you have to nurture that glimmer of light and love it and appreciate it until it grows and shines and pushes the darkness out. You have to do it, because if you don’t you will drown and you will be defeated, not because you are weak, but because you didn’t even try. Give yourself a chance, lift your head up high and you look yourself in the eye and you declare victory over whatever situation you find yourself in! Then forward march into the battle of overcoming your own darkness and watch how the light in you will take over and push you to levels you didn’t even once imagine were possible!
I believe in you, because once I didn’t believe in me and now I believe not only in myself but in you as well. Because if I can do it you can too.
Life your life believing.