I haven’t written in a while and the reason is that I have felt somewhat deflated over the past few weeks. What goes up must come down… right? The important part is that we don’t stay down for too long and get our butts back in the game.
So here is the story… I have always written everything down. It’s in my blood to pour myself onto paper. It was only until a few years ago that I acknowledged this as part of who I am and decided that I should be doing it all the time. But the thing that got me was, why am I doing this? It started out because a few birdies whispered to me that I should give it a try and I was too afraid so I didn’t at first, but then it became a challenge to face my fear of “showing” myself to the world and just do it, so I did but I didnt let anyone know that I was writing, I just wrote and left it out there for whoever to stumble across it by chance. After a year I got the confidence to show the people in my world and on facebook etc. what I’ve been up to and I only recieved positive feedback from those who supported the page.
So what is the actual problem? Why have I not been writing? What is actually holding me back? Well it’s because I write the truth, and my truth felt deflated for a moment and I didnt want to impose my darkness on you! So I climbed into my hole and hibernated, feeling like a fraud, like I’m letting you down and also letting myself down. All because I chose to hide and not fight through the blank space and make the time to write something, anything. But I didn’t; I chose to hide.
In my hiding space I went to a friends wedding and met some very interesting people. While in Cape Town I met a young lady, around 24 years of age who asked my friend for his lighter. Little did I know that this soul would awaken inside of me what was always there but afraid to come out. As she stood there and smoked her cigarette she complained about a few things in her life and by default I found myself giving her some advice about the choices she makes for herself and how important they are. After our chat she said I should start a blog because she thought people would be interested in what I have to say. It was then that I felt guilt filling in my core, guilt for not writing, guilt for hiding and guilt for not pushing harder.
I think in the frustration of having to maintain a 9 to 5 job in order to keep my family a float and my bills paid I found myself frustrated. Frustrated because I had not managed to balance the two and chose one over the other, when I had made a promise to myself to prioritise doing what I loved no matter what tried to distract me. I think this feeling of guilt and frustration was due to my promise to always do my best to share my experiences and my findings in order to help and then I realised how dissapointed I was in myself when I opened my page this morning and found it neglected and stagnant for so long.
My wake up call was the young lady who soaked in every word that came out of my mouth as I reminded her of her worth and her capabilities if she put her mind to her goals. Along with the realisation of my own goals as I spoke to her and how I too need to practice what I preach and remember my very own worth along with my very own goals. It reminded me that I am important and I have to focus on myself and my state of mind even when things become testing and frustrating its up to me not to allow the emotions to take over and the frustration to rule over my choices.
I have been unkind to myself, by not maintaining a balance between mind, body and soul and in return have been unkind to my family by not giving them the best version of myself allowing myself to fall in the trap of straight lines when life is not a straight line at all.
I write these words with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart. Hope for a renewal of spirit, hope for my balance to return and hope for my days to be brighter and full of more of me and less of “them”. What will “they’say? It doesnt matter, because no matter what I choose “they” will always have something to say. So more of me and less of them. More courage less fear. More pushing forward and less hiding in the shadows.
Live your life in the fullness of you.