Why am I afraid to tell you who I am

Voicenote for my listeners.

I wrote this because it is the essence of how I felt with regards to many situations in my life. My relationship with my parents, my relationship with my brother, with myself, with work and with love… I had always felt trapped because of the sensitivity and harshness of my life and not wanting to be a dissapointment to anyone. Recently I realised that it had nothing to do with them at all and it was all about me not dissapointing myself, and my expectations of the relationships I longed for required me to stay in a proverbial box out of fear of losing the picture of perfection in my head. Which I didnt get to have anyway… so this is my story… this is my song.

All my life I’ve tried to hide myself from you, and in the process I’ve hidden myself from me. Do you know how I’ve longed to be free and just trust that you would love me anyway?

But I knew that no matter which way I looked at it, I would never be what you were looking for, because I’m broken and because I don’t live by your rules.

I always looked for your approval and I never really got what I was looking for, I looked for that person you wanted me to be and I tried, I really tried, but I just couldnt find her. She doesnt exist , you see. She’s a fictional character that you have created in your mind on who YOU NEED ME TO BE, but that is not me , I am not her.

And so I hid myself in the shadows, hoping you would not see that I was not her and she was not me. That what you thought was true simply was what you CHOSE to see.

The me I really am is so afraid to come out, because what will you do when you see who she truly is, what she truly believes, and where she truly flies.

You like me in this box that you have put yourself into, but its cramped in here now and I cant seem to fit anymore, every time I step out you pull your love back just enough to make me feel the pain of your absence to want to get back in.

Your love is all I’ve ever known and all I’ve ever really looked for, but now that I am grown into my own can’t you see its hurting me to stay in your little box that has kept me warm for so many years of my life.

Don’t you want to know the real potential in me and not just what you wish to see, if you let me go I promise to always be true to me and let the things inside my heart set my spirit free.

You hold so tightly onto this dream you wish to see, but can’t you tell there’s so much more in life than what YOU see. My wrists are full of bruises, your grip is way too tight. I need for you to let me go and just trust in my light. I cant promise you that I’ll be perfect, like how you like me to be, I can’t promise that I’ll fullfill all you hope for me.

I can tell you though that I will give it all I’ve got, if you can just let me go and if you can just love me unconconditionally and absolutely … No matter what.

Love Tammy



One comment

  1. Reblogged this on Tamstame` and commented:

    When I read this, my heart feels for the me that wrote this in 2019 because I know what she was going through and I know how lonely it was for her. Yet at the very same time I read this now through the eyes of me now and my heart is glad that I dont feel this way anymore. That the proverbial bruises on my wrists written here have now healed and are no more. There is nobody trying to keep me in a box and my relationships have been healed. The love that came out of this piece and the healing that it provided was so vital to journey of my self realisation and acceptance.

    Its a beautiful piece, its the song my heart sang 2 years ago. Its a poem written from my soul, and its a catalyst to the healing process that came thereafter.



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