My weight journey has never stopped, I have been off and on with healthy eating since January 2019 and after London it took a while to get back on track. My weight is sitting at 84.1Kgs with a total loss of 7.9 kilograms and just 0.6kg’s away from my halfway mark. Which would be great if I reached it in June, halfway through the year! My goal is to lose 17kg’s and sometimes I feel like its impossible but im so close to halfway but at the same time my body has decided it’s staying here. I’m going to have to increase the intensity of my exercise or lower my calorie intake because we have reached a standstill. I’m a little frustrated to be honest and just wish I could quit, but everytime I eat something I shouldn’t I actually feel like im cheating on myself! Hahaha interesting concept, I know!

My energy is low, I need a boost. I’m not sure whats causing the lag but I need to find a way to fill my tanks soon because old habits can creep up on a person without you even blinking. I havent made my video as yet. I will tho soon, I think im over thinking it and I should just do it and move past this hurdle. Easier said than done, yes I know.

I realise that I struggle with things that don’t have a purpose or a positive effect on the world. It’s difficult for me to focus on what I don’t see as important. Even though in order for me to survive I have to focus on all things in my life or I will fall behind and not know whats happening in the world. I realise though that I’m just not AS interested in these worldly things as the rest. My interest lies more in, how can I help? Where do I need to go to make a difference? Who needs to hear this message? How can I share my passion?

Anyway, its been an interesting time for me as I filter through the corners of my mind to make decisions about where my future will lead me. At the same time I’m searching in those same corners to see what “now” has in store for me and how I handle the cards I’ve been delt today, because thats how I build my future, with today. The decisions I make today affect my tomorrow. I have to remember that always.

As I lose this weight, I seem to be be losing many other things as well. I’ve lost the weight of expectation I have always held myself to, the weight of needing to be accepted, the weight of trying to hide myself from everything and everyone that means anything to me. As my weight dissapears, so are my insecurities, my need for approval, my need for acceptance. I am realising as I accept myself, that everything I’ve ever needed lies within me and nobody else can give me what I have been looking for. I’m not even half way to my healthy weight and I already feel this change in my mindset. So this thing thats holding me back and trying to make me lag behind, thats draining my energy and keeping me from pushing forward, whatever it is, needs to be found and removed.

It’s in times like this where I learn the most about myself, because I am literally figuring it out as the minutes tick by. At the same time I have to maintain everything else. I have to remember that I am blessed because I GET to be in the situation where I have these choices and this path to follow. That it’s not a burden because others don’t have what I do, and so I carry my choices with me everyday, walking through the valley, aiming for the hills and hoping to find myself on the top of a mountain someday.

Thank you for reading, I appreciate you all.

Live your life questioning everything, never take anything for granted.

Tammy