I haven’t been writing as much as I did when I started off this year, I’ve been distracted with so many different things lately and what I found is that the thing I once looked for to shift my focus in the past, I realise now is the thing that keeps me off balance from the me I strive to be.
In the past I looked for distractions to shift my focus off a painful feeling or emotion, but my choice of distraction was never good for me. They came in tall, dark and handsome, with good arms and no good for me at all. I think I always ended up worse off than the thing I was distracting myself from.
Now I dont have to look for distractions because life has become my distraction. I made the decision to be true to my authentic self , but I also need to eat and so the sacrifice I make to eat distracts me from where I ACTUALLY need to be and from doing what MY SOUL wants to do. It can never be an equal balance between the two, unless you find a way to do the thing that your soul longs to do to pay the bills. Unfortunately this is not the case with me and so I find myself so distracted from my dreams.
I have hope though, I havent given up, I still write when I can and I still plan my future when the moment comes. However my energy is low, I feel it. I’m not 100% energised in all that I do at the moment even when I do what I love. I’m too distracted by the things that need to be done and the things that stop me from doing what I need to do and the people that need me.
So last month I said screw it all and I just up and went to LONDON for a week. Best feeling ever, I felt free to be me and guilty that I left my daughter behind but at the same time my tank was running low and I needed to refuel the life source inside of me. It worked, I came back ready to take on the world, well, ready to take on MY world not the world. I also came back realising that MY world doesn’t have to be as small as I have made it in the past. MY WORLD is so great that I actually have no boundaries, and the things I called distractions before were holding me back from WHAT I REALLY WANTED, WHAT I REALLY NEEDED. I distracted myself from growth and purpose and freedom. I distracted myself through self sabotage from success. I distracted myself from love though toughening up and choosing to believe it doesnt exist when it really does. I distracted myself from true connections with people, connections in the form of friendships, relationships , family. I didnt allow the world to see me because I couldnt even see me and it took 1 comment, 1 person, 1 distraction to make me realise that I really dont want people to see me. I have hidden myself from MYSELF and from the world for as long as I can remember, and slowly as time went by as I found little things like my voice in the form of writing , like my true feelings about myself in the form of dance. Dance showed me how little I liked myself and how little I trusted myself with others, and I am so grateful for that because every day I grow into a new person, who learns to trust more and more every single day. A person who likes herself more and more every single day. A person who has learned that comfort is over rated and I am finally realising that I was the distraction, it wasnt really them. It was always me, and now I know that in every situation that I find myself in , whether good or bad, that the thing I choose is always just a reflection of where I am at that very moment, and I’m not always going to be ok and that alright.
I finally see that the truth is right here inside of me and everybody that has been blamed for my truth had nothing to do with any of it. With all this information, with my head held high, I peel one more layer of shame off my body, I peel one more layer of understanding from my brain, I take one more piece of information and plant it in the roots of my soul to water it until it blossoms into a fountain of love and understanding and acceptance for EVERYTHING that I am and not only some things that I wished I could be. This is me. and I will not apologise for it anymore!
Live your life how YOU want to, not how THEY want you to!