I’ve always had to work harder for the things that I need or want out of life, part of this is my own fault, I know because I made easy choices when I should have been building a foundation. The result is that now I have to work harder than those that worked harder 20 years ago.
Rejection for me has become a weakness. I hate being rejected, it brings up things in me that I didnt know even existed. Insecurities pop up, strange behaviour, and a feeling of inadequacy that I cant even describe. I’ve been working on this for a short while and there has been major improvements because theoretically I know that I shouldnt take most of it personally and even when it is directly aimed at me on a personal level, I know that it only has the power over me that I allow it to have. Right, but when in that very moment it is happening, when you feel the ripping feeling inside the core of who you are and you feel the pain of that “no” or that, “you are not what we are looking for”, It takes a special level of self control and being truly centred to be able to not allow that into your core or your space. I have not mastered that as yet. So I have to say that this Visa process has been excruciating for me.
When I opened that first response and they gave me a long story about why they declined my visa it felt unreal, it felt like I was being ripped apart, their reasons were not valid reasons, it was like they looked for something negative to say and then they were like yeah , you didnt prove that you are truly coming to dance, what shit was that, I had a letter inviting me? What more do you want? Thank Goodness my insecure , emotional self (that lies dormant mostly), the onethat hates being rejected took a few deep breaths and then instead of curling in a ball of sorrow, held my head high and just rectified the issues that they had with my application and without any noise or drama sent them the new application. I have to say the feeling that I had when I went to pick up my passport yesterday was one I had not felt in a very long time. I felt like I was going to evaporate into thin air. I was so very nervous to fetch that document and the relief that overcame me when it had a visa inside of it took over my entire being!
So much time, effort, energy and love had been put into this trip, I was so very excited and then so very dissapointed and now I’m back to being excited!! I wasn’t going to write about this experience, but then that would make me a fake, because if I can rave on about the feelings of excitement then you deserve to know about my dissapointments too.
I am truly grateful to be writing this positive piece and that I dont have to write the one telling you that I was no longer going, and then the lesson in that would have been not to count your chickens before they hatch. I was raving on as if my passport allows me to do as I please, clearly as a South African, my passport has many more limitations than most of the people that I know because they have British , Australian and Candian passports which have so much more freedom.
Thank you to all of you who take the time to read my stories, I appreciate you.
Live your life with yes in mind , no matter who tells you no!