Firstly, lets clear up the fact that I have been through so many different stages of dating that I probably should be expert…I am not!. What I’m also not an expert at is committing and sticking around! I do admit though that it was only a coping mechanism because in reality none of us start out being this way, its the painful experiences that we have to endure in the process of finding our feet that turn us into what is percieved as a player. I don’t want to pretend to understand the perspective of a guy in this regard, I can only discuss what I have experienced and can relate to.

Dating for me has been a painful eye opening, eye shutting, dont blink or you will miss something kind of experience. I have never been married , mostly due to the fact that I have never really believed that someone can love me that much to want to spend their life sharing it with me, or maybe it was also that I didnt believe that I could love someone that much that I would want to share my life with them … Probably a combination of the 2. I’m not going to try and pretend that I know the truth about everything concerning dating. What I will tell you though is this, “until you can heal yourself from past hurt and pain, understand yourself , know yourself and why you are the way you are , and lastly love yourself all by yourself, you have no business being in a relationship with anyone because all that will come of that is broken hearts and pain. Not only for you but for the other person as well.

In todays world, people dont really date anymore, they chill, they hang, they are friends (with benefits) and unless you truly dont see yourself settling down one day and the hope for love that will last is truly dead to you (which is never the case), then this form of modern dating is going to end in a painful emotional experience where at least one of you will be hurt. I’d like to add that its not always the female that gets hurt in these scenarios. some of you guys have messed the female generation up to a point of total coldness and a shutdown of emotion that they are able to play the role of what used to that of a guy and be a player. Its all the result of the amount of pain one has had to endure in a lifetime and how able we are to heal ourselves from that pain.

If I use myself as an example; when I was young and innocent my heart was trampled on so many times that by the time I reached the supposed age to get marriage there was no way on this planet that I was going to trust myself in the hands of any male. When I reached my 30’s I was actually grateful that I didnt marry because most of the couples my age were already divorced and in my mind I was like NO THANK YOU. Being a child from a divorced family, I understand the depth of it all and the permanent damage that it can do to everyone involved. It’s a heart wrenching experience that leaves a scar on the hearts of everyone involved forever. I truly never want to go through anything like that ever again and I certainly dont want my daughter to have to go through it either. So I played it safe and stayed single… This is was another coping mechanism.

What changed me was having my daughter. As she got older and looked to me for everything I saw her mimicking a cycle that I did not want for her. A cycle of harshness towards men,  that I had picked up from my mother, who chose singleness for herself, and being raised by a strong single mother, kept me on a strong single path not needing a husband really because I was raised to be able to do EVERYTHING on my own. Deep down I did wish for a family life , but with every negative experience I had had with men, all my teenage dreams of a pigeon pair, a big wedding and a white picket fence became non existent… until I took the time to sort my mind out that is, and to understand who I was and why I behaved the way I did, I found myself in the middle of a tangled mind boggling war between what I have been telling myself for so long and what I truly wanted and believed.

Today I have taken the time away from from dating to date me, to love me to heal me and I have taken the time from the pressures of a day job to truly find my way and I have also taken the time to asses my situation and to create progress in how I think and how I speak to myself. Over a process of about 10 years of searching, reading and understanding ways to create a positive healthy lifestyle I can safely say that I will have no part in the modern dating game. I have discovered that deep down I am an old fashioned gal, so chivalry, respect and true connection really is the only way my head will be turned. In the end, if the choice was to have less than what I deserve or be alone, I’m going to be alone because I have found a peace and love in my own space and trust that I am enough on my own. Any relationship will be an addition to who I already am and will compliment the path I have already chosen for myself.

I urge every person to find themselves first, love themselves first , before adding another person int o the chaos of your life.

Live life in love.

Written by: Tammy- Lynn Murphy