I’ve always been a roaming soul, wondering in this world full of chaos. I have never really felt like I belonged anywhere really. At least not for too long… it seemed I always had to move on. I think it came with a stirring inside of me that cried out for more, more than what that place had to offer, and when I found the more I was looking for, it was not too long before I needed to move again. A wondering spirit, struggling to find a home. The truth is, the only time I am truly myself is when I am alone. This is the only time I don’t have to play the part of, daughter, sister, cousin, mother, friend or employee. I can just be me.
What I realized as I changed my processes and my habits over the years is that I am always me, different parts of me exposed in stages, depending on who my audience was, and according to my level of trust in them, determined how much they got to see. Changing faces as I go along to suite the situation and the people. As I grew in self , my faces began to diminish one by one, as I found that in fully embracing who I am no matter who my audience is, I am living my life authentically and not to please the world.
The insecurities that occupied my mind had taken root and kept me from many things that in my heart I desired. My confidence truly lacked until I found my songs. The songs in my heart that always came out of my mouth, the songs of love , trust and betrayal. Music was the key to me finding solace within myself. My tormented soul found peace in a song. Even when I didn’t realize that music was saving me, it was. As a little girl there was a hymn that I used to sing even in my sleep “walk with me”. I don’t know why it took root, but it did. As a young teenager the tune changed and I found my song in ‘Mariah Carey’ that had me humming away “Hero” repeatedly until i drove my family insane! Boys to men”end of the road” and my all time favorite Usher! I always had a song. A song that sung the tune of my heart for that moment.
I still have my songs today. When I hear it for the first time its like everything inside of me awakens to feel, embrace and fall in love with the movement of the lyrics and the music. Usher has taken me through many chapters of my life, in fact most of my songs are on his playlist. I use them to find quiet in my heart, to find joy as I battle through life. In the beginning I was restricted to what was deemed to be cool in the 90’s, so Rnb and Hip Hop and Jazz, then I found House music and a new rhythm was born in me, I was happy here.
I then discovered in my late 20’s that I truly loved all music that made sense to me. This is when I began to free myself from what others listened to and just found the beat of my own soul and Rock was allowed to enter the realms of my heart. It was frowned upon, this is not the music we listened to back home, but I was in a new city , in a new place with new people and here I found a part of myself that I had kept hidden and once that part of me was set free there was no turning back. Although when I reached my 30’s everything seemed to explode, because my playlist found everything from Rock, to House, to Latino music. Rnb will forever be engraved in my soul, Old school Hip Hop will never die, and Mariah and Usher will always reach and tug strings in my heart that only they can tug at. But once again I had discovered a new rhythm, one that I had never experienced before in the form of dance. Salsa music, Bachata tunes, Kizomba mixes and even the Cha cha has stolen my heart. Music I once heard as a teenager and deemed to bee dull but never truly listened. I was closed to the feeling of music back then and needed to understand the lyrics to allow myself to feel and so it couldn’t reach me until now. Its a new beat to the new rhythm of my soul, its the music that takes me to my happy place inside my mind. Its something that not many can understand. But I do and that’ s what counts.
All music is as relevant as the other, none of it is rated better or worse. Each genre fits in to the moment I find myself in. Nothing that fits the mood and the place is rejected. I am free to soar all the corners of my heart through the many beautiful songs of my soul and I can truly say that music is the reason I can hold my head up high through everything and march forward through the battle of my life.
I have learned over time to follow the beat of my own drum and not to be too concerned with how other people choose to beat their drums. I don’t have to be like them to be accepted, in fact I don’t need to be accepted to be free. I just need to accept myself in all of my imperfections and to challenge myself to be a better me everyday, to dance to my own tune everyday and everything else will fall into place. Its taken a while, but here I am, singing the song of my heart, not looking around to see who’s watching and loving every moment of it!
Sing the song of your own heart, close your eyes and set yourself free!
Live your life in song! Be free!
Written by: Tammy- Lynn Murphy