One of my very supportive followers mentioned to me that I should write a piece giving relationship advice. Knowing very well my response would be “I am THE LAST PERSON”to give relationship advice. As a single, never been married 38 year old, why would I have any input on relationships at all? But of course I never ignore anything that challenges me or that creates a stir in me because that is where I find my most passionate subjects. So I’ve decided to write this piece, not to give anyone relationship advice but to give my view of having a relationship status.
My current relationship status is single. I am 38 years old and up until about 3 years ago marriage just wasn’t something that I wanted. To me it looked too messy, too demanding, too uncertain, too much drama. Look, all this negativity stemmed from divorced parents, a failed 7 year relationship and then all the other stuff like being attracted to the wrong kind of man for me. Making many bad choices and doing things that I would later have to heal the scars they had left on my soul. The energy you project to the world reflects the state of your soul, your internal struggle is reflected by your external struggle. The last time I actually called someone “my boyfriend” confidently was my daughters father. From there… well… lets just say I gave up on the idea of a shared life and grew into this woman who focused on her kid. Nobody has made it past 3 months since then, for many reasons, but mainly because I chose badly and then, when I didn’t choose badly, I ran. Self sabotaging any potential future because subconsciously I didn’t believe in happily ever after.
Thankfully, with lots of healing and effort put into restoring myself I no longer believe in the gloomy full of doom future I once had for myself. Realizing that happiness begins with me and understanding who I am, what I want and what I need is more important than anything else. Self love before shared love is what I’m about and taking the time last year to deliberately not date and just be with me has made such amazing improvements to my state of mind with regard to societies need for me to be married by now. I am so full of peace, love and joy in who I am and what I have to offer that in no way will I settle for anything or anyone less than what I deserve.
So here is my relationship advice to every single person out there. Before you commit to anyone, do you first, find you first, love you first. Once you have the peace of knowing who you are, loving who you are and embracing you for all that you are, then there is no way that you will attract anyone less than you deserve. It’s in those moments of fear, when decisions are made to fill gaps and people are used to heal brokenness or to create what was never there to begin with that you find yourselves in situations that lead you to unhappy and unhealthy relationships. OK, sometimes you really just grow apart, I get that, we change as we age and sometime the vision you once had as a unit changes and that causes strain. I have never been married and so make absolutely no judgments with regard to choices married or divorced people have made. You do you boo! But what I do have is my experience and my lessons and that’s what all this about. Sharing myself with you in the hopes that I can reach anyone who needs to read these posts.
So don’t let the pressures of the world force you into anything you are not ready for. Just do you and life will follow. Happiness does not come from another person, if you don’t have your happiness down before you add a second person, it gives that person an unfair and unrealistic responsibility that was never theirs to begin with. Two half humans don’t make one whole human, it just creates hurt and pain which gets passed down to the children. Broken parents break their children without even meaning to, or realizing that they are doing it (I have first hand experience in this with my own kid). It takes two full, whole human beings loving and supporting each other to create a full and whole relationship based on love and trust with the ability to fully open themselves up to share themselves with each other knowing that they are safe to do so.
That is what I need, and I will settle for nothing less because I am doing great as I am, therefore any person coming into my space will add substance to my life or not be in my life at all.
Happy Friday people.
Live your life full of everything that is you!
Written by: Tammy-Lynn Murphy
Photo Cred: Taelyn Murphy