I hate being embarrassed. I don’t know how it managed to get so bad, but I hate it. When I was younger it created anger inside of me and made me lash out many times at people that really didn’t deserve to be treated that way. But I was angry, I was trapped and always felt cornered in these situations. Looking back, knowing better, I see that my insecurities always got the better of me. I never really did believe in myself back then and I took it out on everyone around me. In my defense, I really didn’t know better, I had never been guided in these situations , only reprimanded and all that did was make me feel angrier and even more cornered. It wasn’t my fault that I was surrounded by anger, bitterness , hatred and insecurity. I was raised into, and molded into these things by everyone that I shared my life with in the past. If I do a quick scan on my life 20 years ago when I was 18 years old, I have many friends, my social life is booming, my love life is booming, but I’m angry, I’m lonely and I’m afraid.
Now that I’m free, of anger, bitterness and all those negative things that came with a troubled youth. I have grown, I have learned that love surrounds me and that I create my own peace. With this new understanding comes a new outlook on life. Who I am, who I represent and how I want to live. I’m yet to completely free myself from the fear of embarrassment. As soon as I shake this one thing… not if someone teases me, that I can take. Its the embarrassment of not living up to the expectations that I have created for myself. When I make mistakes, my inner voice goes to default and I feel like digging a hole and asking the earth to swallow me. But you cannot escape yourself, you cannot run away from your mind. It follows you wherever you go. This is why some people just lose it, because there is no escape. There is only understanding and perspective but never escape. This is why taking care of your mind is so crucial, taking time to quieten the noise and to fully understand yourself in order to put everything into perspective. If you choose to ignore the need to clear your mind, I fear that one day it will catch up to you and ultimately be the reason you break, mentally.
In the process of clearing my mind and finding ways to understand myself and to deal with the many years of destruction that I have endured, I have come to understand that it is so important for me to feel challenged, to grow, to learn and to understand. The path of unlocking my potential has become the adventure of my lifetime! Literally, but always a planned adventure because I have to plan the life out of everything. If I am not prepared for every single situation, I am nervous. This is my next challenge. Learning how to free myself from too much structure and to sometimes jump into the unknown and just take a chance. If you know me, you will know that this is not going to be the easiest path for me to take. It goes against the very core of my safety net. I’m a planner, but I feel like I’m missing out on so much joy and so much life by not embracing the unknown side of living. I have to learn to take more chances … somehow.
Taking chances has always been a no go for me. What if I fail? What if I fall? What if I look ridiculous? What if they laugh at me? If I take this chance and it doesn’t go as I picture it in my mind, what will I do? Everything needs to be planned, structured, no surprises… right? Goodness me!! Hell no, WRONG!! What kind of an existence have I been trapped in, where there is no excitement and adventure out of fear? Fear of myself! Fear of my own mind! This year I wanted to say yes to more, take more chances, find more adventures. The intention was there , but I held myself back, I kept myself from growing. Its the continuous battle of my mind that I keep mentioning in my posts. Its an ongoing struggle and the only way to win is to try and to do the things that make me uncomfortable in the bubble that I have put myself in. I have to step out of this bubble and enjoy the world. I have to move forward in order to be my best self. I have to trust that taking a chance is going to be an adventure more than anything else and believe in the process of growth.
So…here’s to taking chances, being brave, finding adventures and living my life to the fullest!
Live your life in adventure!
Written by: Tammy Murphy