For Most of my existence I have always chosen the road most travel. The one that blends me in and keeps me unnoticed. I have always tried my best to stay in the shadows of life, not to be seen or heard. I didn’t want to be noticed. Because I sought after this path, it is the one I received. Of course every now and then someone would see the light inside of me and try bringing it out by celebrating me and inside I would be conflicted between joy and fear. It always felt good when my dear friend made a fuss of me on my birthday, but nobody really ever made a fuss before and so I never did have the full experience of Joy because it was fear that always took over. Even though my heart always melted with joy silently. Because of the negative attention I was used to, my natural reaction was to avoid attention because I related it to pain. I was teased; I was told that I wasn’t pretty when I tried to make an effort. I of course at the time didn’t understand the reason was not of my own doing, because later on I would learn how very pretty I was and how I really wished I wasn’t because it meant people would try and take from me what was not theirs to take . As a result , I didn’t want to have these green eyes and blonde hair and I hated that I looked like this. I wanted to be pretty, because which little girl didn’t want to feel beautiful, but they just took away my right to be beautiful and turned it into panic and despair. So instead I did all that I could to hide my beauty, both inner and outer. I became one of the boys. But my friends always looked so pretty and made such an effort, and I longed to be like them, but I couldn’t. Too much had already been taken away from me, so I dressed like a boy most of the time. And it seemed to work, it kept me hidden. It also made me seem like something I was not. It turned me into something I couldn’t control and I was all of a sudden someone even I didn’t recognise.
You see I was born this bright shining little girl, as was every little girl, and the world slowly dimmed my shine. But as every other little girl that was dealt a bad hand I was very confused and didn’t understand why I could not have what the others had, why I could not be what I wanted to be, and why they kept turning me into something I was not. Why they made me feel less than I deserved and why did they blame me when my innocence was taken away from me. I wanted to be free, I tried to be free, but every time I pushed, the world pushed back. It may not have been the whole world, but it certainly was my world. It may have only been a single person that initiated it but to a little girl one person can be their worst nightmare. You see my world took away who I was, it drowned it in fear. So much that I wanted to be hidden, invisible… and I did well, with little or no effort I managed to be nobody, I chose to be nobody, I decided that I wasn’t worth being anybody. This path was the path many chose to follow, it is a road travelled by many, it is a road travelled by the world in pain, seeking to relieve their pain by not being seen. But this is not the path I was born to follow, nobody was born to follow. We go down this road seeking what we will never find there, we seek peace, we seek wholeness, and we seek a pain free life. No, the path most travelled by the world today does not lead to this that we seek. It leads to more destruction more pain, more brokenness.
Finally through many years of following the leader, of blending in, of trying to be what I was not, of ignoring the burning desire inside of me to break free, to be someone, to do something important, I finally found the strength and the courage to listen to the voice inside of me. The feeling that always told me I was more. Through years of reading and understanding, through many days and nights of tears and pain, I found that light inside of me again, I faced the fears that kept me hostage, I faced them through understanding, through forgiveness, through prayer and love. I found that little girl again, I found her light. I found it through the path less travelled, the difficult path, the one we try all our lives to avoid. I took the path that lead me to my light, my true being. I fought through the fear, I fought through the tears, I forgave what needed to be forgiven and I took my life back. Step by step. Problem by problem. Fear by fear. I took each one of them and made sure that they no longer dimmed my light. I will shine, like the star that that I was created to be, the star that is now able to lead others to their light. To help them choose the road that is less travelled. Because that road dear friends, is the only road that will take you to where you need to be in life. To your true self, you true being, the person you were created to be. The road less travelled is the road that will lead you to a successful life. A life free of the weight that the world today put on our shoulders. A life where our strength is greater than that weight. Where one can overcome anything because they found a way to believe in themselves. Just like I did. It was not an easy road, but every step was worth it. For now I only seek to be true to myself always, to believe in myself, to trust myself with my life. No more hiding in the shadows, it’s time for the world to see who I truly am, who I was born to be.
Written by: Tammy Murphy